My oldest brother called me last week to let me know that our father was going in for a heart catherization with a possible stint. I was surprised at how upset I was at first. I had NO desire to fly up to be with my family, but I was sad and worried. My mother told him not to tell anyone - and I'm sure "anyone" is code for "Tricia." I was hurt that they didn't tell me, but I wasn't surprised at all and I bounced back pretty quickly. He had the procedure done last Wednesday morning and it went amazingly well. His blockage is down 10% from 9 years ago when he had this done the first time and they ended up going through his wrist, so he was ready to come home a couple of hours after the finished. My brothers say he is doing well. I'm glad.
It's more than sad, all of this, but I'm at peace. It's hard to understand how deeply saddened I am by all of this and yet, I'm so at peace. I can tell my kids are worried about me. I also know that they pity me. I have been through some shit this past two or three years, haven't I? The beautiful thing is that, now that I'm mostly over my pity party, I can clearly see that people have their limitations and it doesn't lessen my worth. I also know that I am blessed to have the phenomenol children I have. I FINALLY have a man that REALLY loves me for who I REALLY am. I have some deep abiding friendships that leave me feeling lonely a lot of the time, but are rare and beautiful, too. I like me. I'm proud of the work I've done. I don't feel exhausted trying to be who no one can ever really be anymore. This is where I've wanted to be all of my life. It was a l-o-n-g hard road and I'm going to savor every minute. I am a faithful, loving, flexible, giving wife, mom, daughter, sister, and friend. I'm not in denial. I'm just beginning to understand good, healthy boundaries. I'm also beginning to feel what real freedom feels like...

Dear Lord... Or Some Light at the End of the Tunnel

AUGUST 3, 2010 (The day after my mother's birthday)
Well Lord,
I made it through yesterday and it wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. I didn't repeatedly question myself or feel overwhelmed with guilt. I feel sad that my parents told me not to have any contact with them. I feel sad that they don't value having an authentic relationship with me, but I know I can't change that. I understand that they lack something (You) and it isn't because I'm not worth it. You died for me and my sins, so surely I am loved without condition. You think I am worth pursuing, even at my worst.
I am thankful that my husband's betrayal and our healing journey has helped me better understand Your love. I get that we are incapable of loving each other unconditionally and authentically without You. I've experienced Your love for the first time in my life this past year and a half through my husband in a way that we both understand he couldn't produce on his own. I've watched him submit to You time and time again.
It's ironic to me that all of that excruciating pain and the journey back has left me still so broken and yet, for the first time, I am willing to face my deepest fears - that they can discard me without a fight - and then have those fears confirmed and I'm still standing in peace and authentic love. - Thank You

But They Sure Can Un-Pick You...

Well, I composed the letter to my parents several times. It became shorter and shorter as I became more rational and focused. I wasn't unkind or judgemental. My Honey read it and helped me get the last piece of sarcastic hurt out of there. I didn't send it. I decided to wait a few days. Let the money be returned in the mail and let my heart settle now that I had written and my head and heart were not in a tailspin. My Honey even took me for a massage on Saturday and I felt SO much better!
This morning I received this email from my father:

Mon, July 26, 2010 10:59:12 AM Goodby
From: David McDowell View Contact
To: T Ojeda

Mrs Ojeda;

Since your goals in life appears to be hurting your mother as often as possible and becoming totally Mexican'
I have a suggestion loose our address and phone number do not contact us again and please take the McDowell name off your facebook.!
Thank you

I have to admit, one of the first things I wanted to do was correct all of the punctuation errors! Then I just kind of wanted to write back, "Wow, I don't know why I continue to be astounded by what a HUGE asshole you are. Goodbye..."


So, I think I'm at the venting stage now...
"Mrs. Ojeda" - really?
It's "appear" when you use it with multiple goals not "appears."
"totally Mexican?" - What the F*** are you talking about??? - and shouldn't that have either a comma or a period after it and not an apostrophe?
"suggestion" should either have a period or a colon after it. In the case of the latter, "loose" should be capitalized. "loose" should also be spelled "Lose."
There should be a period after "number" as well as a capital letter to begin the word "Do."
Now here's the biggie for me: Didn't he get his last name the same way I got it? We were born with it, right? Where the hell does he get off telling me to take my birth name off of my facebook profile??? And then he ends it all with a period and an exclamation point, but he did thank me...
This is all in reaction to me not returning my mother's phone call last Thursday about whether or not I had received the money she slipped into my bag while we were at their house. Money I repeatedly told her NOT to give me because I just wanted to do something nice for her. Money that I mailed back to her on Saturday.
Welp... I guess that just about takes care of it. I expect I will have some kind of breakdown. I mean, it's really tragic, isn't it? I don't really feel anything right now except disgusted. Truth be told, I have been considering posting it to my fb wall! Wouldn't that be hilarious??? Okay, not really, but sometimes the way he acts is so hurtful that I want to see other people's reactions just so I know my reality is accurate. No wonder I'm so f'ed up, huh?...
My Honey's at work. I hope he calls me soon...

You Can't Pick Your Family...

Well, I've been mulling all of this over since we got back almost a week ago. The time we spent in Michigan with our friends was absolutely wonderful. It was painful seeing how hard life has been for our friends there. Everybody is struggling with SO much right now, but it was cleansing and it's always amazing to me how these friends of our fill our love tanks by just accepting us and supporting us just as we are.
We had a nice time with my Honey's family. They always spoil us. They don't do it with material stuff as much as with attention. Mom always makes our favorite foods and dad goes to the store and gets special shampoo that we'll all like, etc. We just talk or play games, etc. It's so relaxing and real.
My parents' was a nightmare - plain and simple. For the first time in my life, however, I went there feeling stronger in some ways than I ever have before. For the first time my husband was completely behind me, not acting like I was putting him through something horrible or doing his best to avoid conflict. I knew he would defend me and protect us all. I also knew my kids were on solid ground and that we were united. My mother, and keep in mind here I have believed for several years that her meds are messed up or she is developing alzheimer's (sp.?), insisted that I told her we would arrive at 5 o'clock on Monday and called me at Michele's (at 5:15)to tell me so. We had 5 conversations where she tried to manipulate me into saying we would be there for dinner or that we would stay an extra night, etc. Each time I told her we would be eating at Michele's and would not be there until later that night. She even said she would make tuna/pasta salad in case we were hungry and that way she wouldn't worry about dinner. I told her firmly that I did not say that and then she asked me if we had eaten. When I replied, "Yes," she hung up on me! A couple of hours later we arrived at their house. My father stiffened when I hugged him and said something sarcastic, as my mother walked away from me. I asked him if he was going to do this after we had driven over 1200 miles to get there and we only had a couple of days? He replied that he was only acting like himself, so I asked him to act like someone nice who was glad to see his daughter and family after they had traveled so far to see him. No reply. My mother hugged me like a distant relative that she had a ten year grudge against and that was pretty much the general attitude for the next 2 days! The following night, my sil, Mandy, called to talk to my mother, as she does EVERY single day. In spite of the non-communcation betweeen us for several years and my mother being completely aware of it, she handed me the phone - at first I thought she said it was my brother, Danny. Mandy was all gushy and pretend enthusiasm. I politely answered her questions and asked her how she was doing and how she enjoyed their vacation to Colorado. When it got quiet, she asked if I was still there. I said I was. She asked if I had anything to say, so I told her not really. I said that we hadn't really talked in several years, so I didn't see any reason to pretend we have a relationship because Mom had put us on the phone with one another. She then screamed, "What did I ever do to you?!" I told her we hadn't talked in several years and she hadn't done anything, but since I had made it clear that I wanted a relationship with them and had made several attempts to have one and they had not made any effort, that I didn't really see any reason to pretend on the phone. I said we had been polite and asked how one another was doing, but I saw no need to waste our time pretending there was more between us. She screamed that she only talked to me because Mom had asked her to and then she said, "GOOD-BYE!" I remained calm because I just wanted to be real, I understood we were both put in an uncomfortable position and I had mourned the death of this relationship some time ago.
When I hung up, my mother said, "Well that was a short conversation." I agreed it was. She then asked me if she should not have put me on the phone with Mandy. I quietly told her, "You absolutely should NOT have put us on the phone together." I told her that even though I understand what she wants, I had tried very hard to have a relationship with my brother and his family and they had made it clear that they didn't want one. I told her that things like this tear off my scab a little and it's painful for me. She said she was sorry and that she should probably call Mandy because she was sure she was very upset. WOW! REALLY?! - I told her to do whatever she thought best, but that we were all grown women, no harsh words were spoken and I saw no need to make this into a bigger deal than it really was. Mandy called my mother about 10 minutes later and I overheard my mom consoling her.
The following morning my brother, Scott, called me just as Hannah, Caleb and I were headed next door to my brother, Doug's house for breakfast. I didn't know who it was when I answered the phone. It said "cellular phone," so I thought it might be my brother, Dan, running late or something. We each said hello and then I asked who he was. I thought it sounded like my dad! He said it was Scott, I told him our parents were at Doug's. He said he knew where they were, he called to talk to me (which probably means one of our parents told him I was at their house alone) and then he asked me to give him my "side of what happened last night." I told him that I wasn't going to give him my side and I had no desire to convince him of my position. I told him I felt bad that his wife was put in such an awkward position and that I knew why he would feel protective. He said, very clearly, "I don't give a shit about Mandy! I'm calling because, as usual, you're trying to be the center of attention and making Mom and Dad uncomfortable while you're there!" I told him that he never came to visit any of the times I have in the past 4 years, so he wouldn't have any idea what my visits were like or how our parents felt while I was there. He then told me he thought I was crazy, called me an ugly name, and said, "Why would I EVER come to visit while you're there?" Again, I remained calm until he hung up on me and then I burst into tears with my kids watching. Hannah heard every word and was a mess about it. I got my act together as best I could and then we headed over to Doug's. I went into the bathroom with Bob as soon as I got there and told him through tears how upset I was. I tried my best to just enjoy the time with everyone there. My dad gave me a hard time about the garage door opener, so I took care of that and my mom was stand-offish, at best.
I found out that Danny and Scott are battling it out again. Scott stole a dvd that Dan uses for sales - that cost him several thousand dollars to make- and my dad is the one who gave it to Scott. All of my brothers are in great turmoil over the whole thing. They all said I was the smart one for moving away... sad... My parents, naturally, haven't said a word to me about any of this, because that's what they do. Keep it all in the dark and then act like victims when it all blows up in their faces.
I am so full of emotion, I don't know what to do with it all. I want to have a clear head, but there's too much junk in there right now. I am SO disgusted with my parents. I am appalled at what my family has become because of greed and such conditional "love." The day after we got back I had a notice that one of my family members had deleted me from their account: Mandy! Mature... Then I looked at my father's account and he is no longer friends with Danny... Hmmmm... I wish I could say that I'm surprised by this from him, but I'm not...
Everytime I visit them I am a mess for weeks before we leave and then I'm a bigger mess for weeks when we return. It affects my entire family... I am so tired of being blown away by what horrible people my parents can be. I am so deeply hurt by how they treat all of their children, aside from Scott. I feel like I want to tell my parents that I want them out of my life. Bob asked me to wait a week to make my decision and I have, I think... I'm not sure if I should call or write. If I call, they will twist everything I say when they gossip about it to the other people in my family and then I have to deal with some of my brothers calling to discuss how much I hurt my mother! Also, I'm afraid of my emotions getting the best of me and not clearly communicating and opening myself up to the hurtful things my parents will definitely say to me. If I write, it seems a bit cowardly and impersonal. The good thing is that I could blind copy it to my brothers and then my parents couldn't say it said anything that it didn't. Part of the problem is that I know in communicating how hurt I feel, a little piece of me is hoping for change and there goes that scab again. I kind of wish they would just leave me alone... fade off into the sunset.
I talked with my son, Scott, yesterday. I told him I feel so conflicted because I have tried so hard to parent with unconditional love because I never wanted them to feel like I did, but that now I'm thinking about telling my parents to leave me alone, I feel like I'm not offering them grace, unconditional love and I'm afraid of what I'm showing my children about family. I said I just want to do this "right." He said I will always love them, but that they don't accept my love and it's healthy to have boundaries with people like that. He is wise beyond his years...
Hannah wrote a letter to her Uncle Scott yesterday. She told him how upset she was about the way he talked to me. She told him she expected more from him, a better example. She told him he wouldn't want his son to talk that way to his sisters so he shouldn't set that example. When she asked if she could do it, I told her she could, but I didn't want to see any swearing or disrespect. HA! I was moved by how well she expressed herself. It filled me with hope to see how highly she regards family.
I hate that I put my husband and kids through this shit with my family of origin. It's time to stop the madness and stop doing what looks right to others. I may regret not having them in my life when they are gone, but I regret almost every minute I spend with them now, so I'm not sure how to realistically make a healthy choice for everyone or even anyone! I don't want to be one of those people that just walks away because they think they are always supposed to be "happy" - because I get that that is just self-centered b.s., but to keep exposing us all to this is just kind of sick, isn't it? I mean finding that place between unconditional love and doormat is so hard for me... wouldn't you think I'd get better at it at some point?...

My Baby is 24...

Wow! Time flies when you're having fun, and even when you're not, but Especially when you are. He's 24. I have been a mom for 24 years. I have been a changed woman for 24 years. I stopped being completely self-centered 24 years ago...
I wonder if he knows that he's the one that made me want to be better. I remember when I was in the hospital and he was only a few hours old, I got on the phone, called information for the number to the admissions office at U of M in Flint, and within the hour I had begun my journey to receiving my degree.
I wanted to be a good example. I wanted to know that I could take care of him - that he would know he could always count on me. I thought if I did it all right that I would deserve a gift as wonderful as he was to me. I also believed that we would be different because he would always trust me and know that I had his best interests at heart because we would always have this awesome communication between us. I was NOT going to be like all of those other parents! HA!
I'm pretty sure he's taught me much more than I have taught him. We do communicate pretty well... now. It has been the journey of my life, so much of it uphill... I have made SO SO many mistakes... Love covers a multitude... Parenting is NOT for cowards! He continues to make me better. He brings me so much joy. He turned out so much better than I ever imagined in all of the ways that really matter. He really does bring me joy...
8 lbs., 21 inches, born at 10:45 a.m. on July 21, 1986
Thank You, God...

You Cannot Lose My Love

My Banana Girl brought this to me tonight and told me that it was "Like God is talking to you, Mom." I said, "Oh, this is the song I sing to you."
As I listened to it, I first thought of how much I love my kids and I'm glad we have the kind of relationship where I show them how unconditional my love for them is. Then I had a quick pity party about how I wish my parents were capable of this kind of love... But then I heard Him speaking to me, "You cannot lose... You cannot lose... You cannot lose My love."
I haven't felt His love reign down on me in a long time. It was worth waiting for...

My Old Friend, Joy, Has Moved Back In

Kind of a rough week. I've been doing the stand in the middle of the room stomping my feet while I tell God how unfair all of this is and list a bunch of the ways/times my husband (and she) kicked me while I was down. I listened to a story in church last week about how God came through financially for this single dad at the last minute and all I could think of was why didn't He come through for me? Why did He allow me to be SO betrayed when I was fighting to stay in a relationship with Him, etc., etc.? After we all went out for lunch, my oldest, Scott, asked me what was wrong and then called me a liar when I told him that I was fine. He hugged me a while later and asked me to please tell him what I was so sad about. I gave him a little outline (including why I couldn't really work through this with his dad's help, but that I don't have any other friends, etc. that I can really discuss this with) while I cried into his shoulder and then he asked me to call him later. I told him I thought I needed him to give me a swift kick in the ass and tell me to get it together. I hoped he would explain why God had seemingly forsaken me or at least tell me why He just wouldn't communicate with me any more. My husband has been trying to help me work through this all week and while I appreciate his commitment to me and this valley, he just probably isn't the one I can do this with. So, on Wednesday I asked Scott to have breakfast with me and we stop by this really cool antique shop, he buys Bailey's engagement ring and then we go to Magnolia's for a great breakfast and time together.
My son doesn't kick me in the pants. He tells me how strong he thinks I am. He tells me how understandable my rhetorical kicking and screaming are. I explain to him how the greatest thing I've lost in all of this is the ability to trust myself - my feelings, my reactions, my opinions, my reality... He tells me that he trusts me completely and he respects my opinion more than ever and that for now I should let it be enough that others feel that way and that, in time, I will regain this for myself. I feel better after we talk, but I'm still so lost. I miss God so much it is overwhelming to me. He asks me to please read C.S. Lewis's "A Grief Observed" and I go to 1/2 Price and buy it immediately, hoping that I will find God in there, or at least, the reason He won't commune with me, so that I can fix it asap! I'm a great "fixer!"
I read the first couple of chapters and some more of "Eat, Pray, Love" and then I go on with my day. The following day I read more of "Eat..." Finally today I finish it and I am overwhelmed with her journey. I am blown away that she went through such a long spiritual drought and just kept seeking Him - and that she kept finding Him - although not without lots of work and commitment. I begin to feel my heart melting. I hold the book and cry for a little while. I feel grateful... I run that picture that is filed away, but always readily available, through my mind of me dancing with joy on my face and people watching while I smash, face first, into a glass doorwall. But, wait... for the first time in forever, I'm not humiliated. I simply get up, dust myself off and realize it doesn't matter to me what they think of me.
So, I open my email and this is what I find:
I am making the rough places smooth and the crooked places straight by taking the stumbling block out of your way. This is what keeps you from progression. It is your disobedience to My Word and your rebellion against My precepts. I am going to make the offense very clear to you in the days ahead so that you can make a choice whether or not to cooperate with My work in your life. If you choose to work with Me in these areas of correction, you will be delighted with the liberty that comes as a result, says the Lord.

Jude 24-25 Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, God our Savior, Who alone is wise, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and forever. Amen.

HE'S SPEAKING TO ME!!!! He's kicking me in the ass and telling me that He is still here, molding me, reminding me that I have free-will, but He is always there to help me.
I had to drive past the hotel awhile later and go to the town that usually causes me to spiral a bit, still. I was unmoved. Her image didn't stir up anger deep in my gut. I only felt loved by God and grateful for His grace and admonishment. I know this may not last permanently, but I choose to believe that it is a MAJOR step in the right direction on my healing journey. I have faith that God is moving and He wants me to DANCE! He loves me and He spoke to me... Today, for the first time in years, I experienced peace and joy...

Last day of work... Summer Vacation!!! I made it through the school year and I did a pretty fine job! My students excelled in ways that not many expected. I had a classroom full of beautiful and very needy kids and I LOVE every one of them. They worked hard and we were a team and they are ready to fly from my nest!!
I have to deal with her again next year. I am hoping that will get easier. Most days it is just fine, but sometimes when I'm REALLY tired or emotional... it's not so easy. Sometimes I even feel like I must be crazy and I just can't stand to think about doing this anymore.
I was just contacted by a betrayed woman who lives next door to the woman her husband betrayed her with. Her husband has left and the other woman is still with her husband. So, she gets to look out her window and be reminded every day. She also has to do it without her husband's support. I can't imagine...
Sometimes when I have a really bad day, B. will ask me if it would be easier to start over without him around reminding me of what he did to me and how much of my life has been affected. I usually just laugh (a sarcastic chuckle), because REALLY, I've spent over 20 years with this man. He has seeped into EVERY area of my life. I can't clean out a drawer in the entire house without being reminded of something that happened in our history together. And then there are the kids. They kind of remind me of him... Even the one that isn't biologically his...
I wish that God would provide really awesome jobs for both of us somewhere close by. I wish we could sell our house and move closer to Austin and NEVER look back. We would all love that, but it's pretty clear to me that that isn't His plan. I'm resigned to that. I wish I could clearly see what His goal is, but apparently that's not the deal. I feel beat up. I'm too tired to do more than submit. I'm also too gun-shy to step out in faith. I feel like I'm wasting time, but I'm not sure how to move forward. I've had so many people tell me how great I'm doing. I'm sure that SO much of that is due to God's will in my life, but the truth of the matter is that I seem to have lost any connection I used to have with Him. It feels like WAY too high a price to pay.

What do I want?...

Maybe that's the question I should be asking myself. Maybe I should REALLY try to figure out what that is...
The truth of the matter is that most woman don't have any idea what they want and almost as many lost sight of their needs a long time ago.
I met with my DE group last night at this beautiful lake house on Lake Travis. We spent the night. We went out to eat, made breakfast together, talked, laughed, prayed and honored each other. It was just the medicine my soul was longing for, but I stopped listening to my soul a long time ago. I knew that I had to force myself to go this weekend. I told myself that it was because I had to reclaim that part of my life. I can't be held prisoner to my fear of Bob betraying me again. I told him that after all I had given him, that if he chooses to risk losing me, again, then I know now that it's a hole in him that I can't fix and I will not blame myself for his bad choices. I was surprised by how difficult it was in some respects, and even more surprised that I was really able to relax and enjoy the women in my group. We share an intimacy that is rare. It's something I have never experienced before and felt so safe in. This is the stuff we long for, but always struggle to find time for or get so busy that we forget how it feeds us. I also am still struggling with reaching out for more time with them because I fear rejection and the distance makes a ready excuse for letting time pass without doing anything about it... Loneliness will be the end of me...

Slowing down ...

Not really sure what to write... It's just that everyone is gone for a couple of hours and it feels like this is the one thing I yearn to do when life is chaotic (which is most of the time), and now I don't have anything very profound to write about.
My house is a mess. I need to study for the EC-12 Pedagogy Test that my job depends upon. But I have my house to myself with NO interruptions and I need to slow down, regroup and enjoy this moment. We took the Banana-Girl to her first counseling session this morning. Her dad had to recount his story about why she is struggling so much with anger, trust, etc. It was difficult, but necessary. It felt good to feel like we are pointing her toward someone who will throw her a rope to get out of this mess she seems to be drowning in. It feels a bit vulnerable to know that the only way for her to get healthy is to tell intimate details about my parenting - which aren't always "pretty" or textbook. I yell. I tell my children to leave my bedroom when they argue with me and I just shut the door and ignore them when I'm tired. I've been tired a lot this past year... But, I'm up for some guidance on how to do this teen parenting thing better, too. I love my girl and it's been EXTREMELY painful to watch her become bitter over this. It's impeded my forgiveness of her father at times. I'm still REALLY mad at him for doing this to her! I'm a little embarassed because she tells me that she thinks I do most of the work in our marriage and she thinks her dad is still such a weak man. I can't defend him. He has to show her that he's changed. There's a lot riding on his example, so I'm praying he keeps growing.
The boys are skateboarding with some good friends uptown. I CANNOT believe how quickly they are growing up. I really like them. They have the best senses of humor. They have a confidence that is hard to find in most 15 year old males. They have been through a bunch the past few years and they are scarred, but so much better and stronger for it. They are more sensitive now. They appreciate our family time in a way they never used to and I don't really expect from teenagers. The Banana-Girl and my Honey are singing/playing a wedding reception in Austin tonight. They performed at Johnny Fin's Floating Bar and Grille a couple of nights ago. When that girl of ours sings, I could just lie down and rest in her voice. I get lost in it. I know that I'm her mom, but she really is that talented. I relish in watching her and her "Pops" captivate an audience. My girl is sultry. She has her daddy's talent and my smile... How can she go wrong?

It's sunny with a tiny breeze and around 82 degrees outside today. I have the windows open and our cat, Figero, is perched on the sill watching the humming birds outside our bedroom. The ceiling fan is on and I'm going to run a bubble bath for myself in a little bit. I am grateful...

I Love My Life...

One of the things I'm trying to reclaim is joy. That probably sounds ridiculous to some people, but I've always been a reasonably grateful person. I choose to recognize how blessed I am because I know that it isn't because I deserve it or I'm owed it, but simply because I am loved by God. I've tried to instill a spirit of gratitude in each of our children - which is sometimes an uphill battle with teens ; ) !! The best way for me to do this is to live it. That wasn't usually a struggle before all of this happened, but now I almost feel afraid to let go and feel joy because I'm so afraid someone is waiting in the wings to snatch it from me as soon as I begin to live in freedom again.
I have this internal conversation with myself:
"So, are you willing to miss out on these moments because you're afraid you will be hurt again?"
"Well, no, but if I just hang back, then it won't hurt so much. I won't feel so humiliated. I won't go reeling, I'll just take a step back and stay there."
"But you'll miss out and you'll have regrets. Is that the life you are choosing?"
"It feels more like it has chosen me. GOD! I do not want to play the victim, but part of me still feels like one. I feel unable to move beyond this at times."
"It's the whole better to have loved and lost bullshit. It sounds SO wise and noble. The truth is it hurts like a mutha and even though I can FINALLY say I feel that way, it took a year and a half to get here - AND too many of the women I work with don't feel that way. They feel as if loving fully got them 20 years wasted!"
"But you don't feel that way."
So, I guess that's the thing. I have to claim it. I have to trust that He'll help me get there if I'm willing to follow Him. He's shown me so much already. The ironic part is that He has given me all of these wonderful moments just recently when I felt so much joy that my eyes were puddles and my Honey and our children just hugged me and told me that they loved me, but then my brain starts preparing, protecting and I'm robbing myself of the joy God blesses me with.
So, this past weekend was one of those rare weekends when the weather is perfect, things are organized, the right clothes are clean and look good on you, and no one argues! Friday I went out for a drink with my principal who knows our dirty little secret. She's a believer and we've connected since we first met 2 years ago, but then all of this got in the way. After drinks I picked up Bob and we went over for burgers on the grill and Hannah provided a fabulous mint chocolate cheese cake. We packed some drinks and went up town to listen to the concert in the park. It was one of those great nights with friends who are easy to be with. I haven't had one of those in years...
Saturday, Bob and Hannah played at a Wine Festival. It was like being at a Michigan apple orchard in late September, only better. It was sunny and warm (got a little color), we had unlimited wine (the sangria was yummy!), free food (pulled pork, roasted veggies...need I say more?), a farmer's market, several (really good) local artists, and I got to watch my Banana-Girl and her daddy make BEAUTIFUL music all afternoon. We all had a fabulous time and talked all the way home about how great it all was...
Sunday, we picked Scott and Bailey up for church and then we went to the Hickory Street Bar and Grille and sat on the patio with all of the kids. We had decided that we would use the money from Saturday to pay for breakfast downtown. We got the breakfast bar with bottomless mimosas for the adults. It was pure happiness. The kind you wish you could bottle and save for "when needed" days. Laughing, teasing, talking about grandchildren with Scott and Bailey, summer plans and sprinklings of how much we all love each other. Then Scott started asking Aaron and Caleb to skip their soccer game so that we could all go to Twin Falls greenbelt and swim. He and Bailey took them to borrow shorts to swim in and get towels. Bob and I took Hannah to buy suits for her and I to swim in and we all met. We hiked the trail down the greenbelt and one by one jumped off the ledge into the cold water! It was delicious! We all slept like babies last night...
Today, my Honey and I are taking the day off. It's the kids' last late day at the academy and we are just laying around enjoying each other and this beautiful day. Steaks on the grill later and then ice cream at Amy's with ALL of the kids, again. I love this man. I love my life... No "buts"... I just love my life.

Yesterday was my Honey's birthday. We celebrated all week. This morning we were waiting for our table at Kerby Lane when my phone rang. My oldest brother called to tell me that one of my cousin's in California had committed suicide yesterday. She was losing her house through a foreclosure and she has been struggling financially for quite a while. I am overwhelmed by the pain and loneliness she must have been experiencing. A few years ago I would've been a little judgemental about how selfish suicide is and how much pain she has left her mother, siblings and children with, but now I understand how debilitating intense pain can be. I understand it can cause you to behave in ways you NEVER thought possible. It can cause you to not be able to do anything more than seek a way to escape the pain.
It reminds me how far I've come and how much I have to be thankful for. It breaks my heart that this beautiful woman didn't make it to the other side of her hardship. I am so very sad at the senselessness of her death. All day I have felt helpless to do anything and now there is so much more to say and I am at a loss...

What IS my bottom line?...

So....
Just before Christmas the 3rd grade bilingual teacher left - a whole other ridiculous story I should not get into. A new young, sharp woman without a teaching degree, but with a degree in Spanish was hired after two other people turned the job down. Now she's anglo, looks like a younger, more stylish version of me, so I tell my husband that I feel really threatened by her - especially because she's in the bilingual dept. with him and I know the other Mexican women will chew her up and spit her out, so he will feel protective. We are both like this, but we can't afford to be anymore, because all we can do is protect ourselves while I heal. He tells me he won't even talk to her unless it absolutely necessary and completely work related.
So, a few weeks ago they have a bilingual meeting and he reports to me that she asked him one question and he answered it very business-like and that was all there was to it. Then they had another bilingual meeting this past Monday. He told me a story about how he talked with the other teachers and aides at the meeting, but never mentioned her.
Wednesday evening we sat on the couch together and he said he wanted to check his email. As soon as he opened it, there was a reply email from the new teacher. The subject line said something about an mp3 of one of his songs. He immediately started down-playing the email. I stood up and started screaming (with my daughter in the room, btw), "Are you fucking kidding me?" He tries to explain through my ranting that she asked to hear one of his recordings after the other bilingual staff introduced him as the resident musician and so he told her he would send her one.
I storm off to the bedroom and he follows. He keeps trying to justify why it wasn't anything. He says he should've been more sensitive. He says she means nothing to him and I scream how little I care about that. Our kids hear everything through the walls, the ceiling, the vents... I am SO fucking mad that at one point I tell him how much I want to hurt him. I tell him that at this point I want a divorce. That I can't imagine sweeping this under the rug and setting that example for our daughter.
He tries to talk to H and each time he minimizes his role in the whole thing, she completely throws it back in his lap and tells him to man up and take responsibility for his actions. He tries to explain things to me again and I just keep explaining to him how ridiculous his reasoning is.
I realize how much I've changed this past 16 months. I am not blaming myself or trying to figure out where I am lacking. I completely get that he has a problem. I also totally see that this is how the other started. He wasn't interested in her for any other reason than she told him how great she thought he was all of the time. When they all started talking about him being an awesome singer/musician, he saw the chance of getting a little of his drug of choice - her compliments - and he chose to throw me and my transparent fear under the bus. He understood how much pain it would cause me and still he took the chance.
Now, I know there are people who think this is a minor infraction. The other 500-plus times this happened, pre-betrayal, I would've (and did) agree with that determination. It is so abundantly clear to me that my husband is truly a bottomless well and he will do whatever he has to to feel full for the 40.2 seconds a compliment lasts. I have run interference all of our marriage because this is a familiar dance. When I couldn't emotionally be on my toes, the wrong person stepped into the picture and my weak husband chose to be led to the slaughter. I refuse to run interference any longer. It got old a LONG, LONG time ago. He doesn't feel safe anymore. I don't really want to invest anymore into this marriage only to find out that he'll repeat this in another year or two. I can see that he is hugely remorseful. He has taken responsibility for hiding it from me and knowing that he made that choice because he justified how strong I am now and that he knew she doesn't mean anything to him.
I have never been as happy and felt as loved as I have this past year - I know that sounds crazy considering that this was all a result of the worst betrayal I've ever experienced. I have no doubt that he is madly in love with me in ways he never has been before. I know he isn't attracted to her. I know he had no motive other than receiving praise for his talents.
I feel like I am suffering from split personality disorder. I cannot imagine divorcing this man. I love him deeply, completely, humbly. He is my best friend, my partner, my confidant, the father of my children, my memory sharer, my future co-conspirator, my hero, my comedian. When I think of telling him about how insecure I felt about her after he betrayed me and that weeks later he secretly sent her a copy of his song for her approval, I feel like I can't spend one more minute in this marriage.
The irony is that he is my best friend. This means that I feel completely alone right now. Our kids are reasonably messed up. I was sure H. would tell me to leave him. She thinks I should take some time, see our marriage counselor, and consider giving him another chance. The boys agree. I want to do what is right for as many people as possible. I am trying to decide what my bottom line is...
I wish more than anything, right now, that I would stop trying to fix this as fast as possible and that I could just be prayerful and wait on Him.
I told B. the day before this happened that I finally knew how much he loved me and that I knew he would pick me. Then that afternoon, as I drove to get our lunch, I prayed that God would help me to not be so hard on B and not let my need to know that he was sorry (and have that lead to reassurance that he would honor me) lead to me dissing him and God in bitterness. I told God that I wanted to be close to Him again and that I wanted to truly be authentic. I feel so foolish. I'm trying to not be pissed at God. It really does feel like every time I start to stand up, I am KNOCKED right on my ass. I know that satan has a hand in this. Bob has really been growing close to God. He realized a few weeks ago that he had let his relationship go a bit and he had really been spending time with Him again. But it feels like ultimately my husband chose to discard my fragile emotional state for a compliment.
Where does that fall in the "bottom-line" area?

Desert, Year 37...

I've reached this new level of... I don't know, peace, maybe, with her. Something has changed at work. I don't feel like it's a mausoleum of memories of/for the two of them. It feels like I have my own place there now. It feels like others have come to a place of acceptance. They buy that I'm a good teacher and even a nice person, so there's no more junk, because there aren't any secrets to uncover or insecurities to expose. It feels like she's a little different. Less antagonistic, maybe.
Yesterday I had to take my babies to the library and she didn't get loud like she has in the past. My Honey's students were in there and they asked me to help them find a bilingual Valentine's Day book for them. The only one that was listed as "in" on the computer was not on the shelf, so I had to ask her about it. She was uncomfortable, but not bi-polarish. I even did that thing I do and flashed the "Oh my God, my husband has seen her almost naked" thing through my head, just to see if this new perspective was for real. It wasn't pleasant, but it was less painful/uncomfortable than in the past. When I told my Honey about it, he was flustered when I told him that I do that many times when I see her. He asked me what purpose it served. I really think it helps me gauge how far I've come in the emotional recovery area. Maybe I'm just a creeper...
So, a neat thing has transpired in my heart. I realized a few days ago that I'm beginning to be really okay with being used in her life. I have been SO pissed off thinking that that is probably one of the big reasons this whole job thing fell into place in such an obviously "God orchestrated this" kinda way. I have NOT been happy that my relationship with Him has suffered great injury while my Honey's is growing exponentially and now I'm supposed to help her wipe her slate clean and have this awesome relationship, too? After what they both did? I am just NOT that sacrificial, you know? I don't even think I'd like to hang around someone who is... there's just a line where someone is a little too "Holly-Molly-Polly," you know? I always feel dirty around those people... But, I digress...
She's such a sad human being. God made her and He loves her just like He loves me. (Okay, that bothers me a little...). If He can use me to help break this generational unfaithful spouse thing in her family, and it helps her daughter, I could rejoice in that. I know this may sound really arrogant. I know He doesn't need my permisssion and He may not use me at all. I just know there is some plan here. I know that there is so much more going on at this school than our human eyes can see. I'm just excited that I'm finally starting to feel some peace about that.
My Honey says that nothing has really changed at work - He says the change is in my heart. I still have to mull that one over a bit... It makes me feel kind of powerful...

But that's not all...

This really cool thing happened to me a few Sundays ago and I wanted to share. It was after my meeting with C. about our affair recovery ministry. I had my women's small group Bible study and I was a mess. I have some good, strong, authentic friends in there. They were worried about me because I looked a mess - red puffy eyes, etc. Of course, I told them I was fine... One of my friends started talking about how she was struggling at work and on the way home one night, she was driving next to a train and started thinking that if she just sped up a little and pulled in front of it, the train would crush her and her struggles would be over. She said that before she knew God and she was a recovering alcoholic, she would have thoughts like that constantly. She couldn't believe that those thoughts would still come into her mind over such comparatively trivial struggles in her life now. Then she started crying and saying how guilty she felt because she has a daughter now and such a good life, which, naturally, led to her beating herself up in the motherhood department... And suddenly I realized I was sobbing and then I whispered, "That's exactly what satan wants you to believe. He wants to put guilt between you and Christ so that you won't become what He wants you to become." - Isn't it amazing how we can SO CLEARLY see this in the lives of others, but hardly ever in our own lives? I had just beat myself up in C.'s office for not getting over the affair quickly enough, for not fully forgiving HER, yet, but I couldn't see that those were his lies to get my focus off of Christ. It was a beautiful, freeing moment for everyone in the room.
But that's not all...
After our gathering I went to our church's Deepen service, for people who want a little more meat than seekers or new believers might. Bob and the kids were supposed to meet me, but he got caught up getting the oil changed so he texted me that he would be a little late. They still weren't there after Deepen so I called him and found out that they had run out of gas and were walking to a station to get some more. He asked me to see if I could find anyone to drive me there and pick them up. He had left Hannah in the car. I can't see any of the people I know and I keep feeling like I'm not really supposed to ask.
I called about 30 minutes later, as everyone is leaving the church and he now tells me that Hannah left the radio on, etc. and the battery is dead. (When we bought the car almost 3 years ago I remember them telling me that the battery can't be run down. We've left the dome light on all night before and it's always been fine.) He wants me to ask someone to drive me there and ask them if they have jumper cables. I still don't feel like I'm supposed to and it doesn't make sense to me, timewise, so I sit and wait as everyone clears out...
Hannah texts that they have found someone with jumper cables - Her dad made her ask people because he was SO angry with her. The problem now is that the key is stuck in the ignition and it won't come out. It used to do this when we first bought it, but it hasn't happened in almost 2 years. My friend is one of the last people there and she approaches me to introduce her new man (who seems as wonderful as she is, btw). I tell her what's happened to Bob and the kids, she offers me a ride, but I tell her they will be here any minute and thank you! Five minutes after they leave, I call and Hannah tells me that they didn't put enough gas in the car and they have to get more, now.
I am really beginning to have a pity party now. It's a little chilly out, the custodian guy offers me a ride after telling me I have to leave the building. I decline and carry all of my stuff - OH, did I mention that I brought the snacks and drinks tonight, as well as my Bible, notebook, study book, and purse?- outside to stand in the courtyard. As I watch the last cars exit, a few even ask me if I need help. I feel more and more alone with each kind offer.
I call Hannah again, she tells me that they are doing all they can, but they aren't on their way, yet. I hang up and cry out to God, "Can't You please take pity on me? It's enough already! I feel SO alone. What do you want from me, God?" That still, small voice in my head says with patience and love beyond my comprehension, "I want to spend some time with you." So, I take a deep breath and I clear out all of the junk and I just get real with Him. I tell Him how pissed off I am at her and that I really want to forgive her and I really want to be who He wants me to be, but that I am completely lost and I just don't know how to get the heck out of my way. I even tell Him how angry I am at Him. How alone I've felt. How persecuted I am feeling. I tell Him I know He has done SO freaking much for me, but I still can't get over the pain this has caused and that the worst part is that I seem to have lost the awesome relationship I had with Him. I feel a little lighter, a little cleaner...I sing a little - right there in the courtyard, at night in Austin for an audience of One. And then the best part is I just listen to Him. I haven't been able to do that is such a long time. I just rest in the moment... in Him. I don't feel alone anymore and I feel connected to Him - and really LOVED by Him. Mmmmmmmmm.... You know?....
I know that my family will be there soon, because I know it's time for them to come now - and they do. My Honey is expecting me to be all upset - especially because I am much more fragile and insecure since the betrayal - and I'm not. I'm so flippin' centered and it's truly beautiful. I get into the car, assure him that I'm really okay, I'm good.
But that's not all...
I realize that they are all really good, too. Earlier it was apparent that B. had gone a bit ballistic on our Banana Girl for the battery incident. Typically when my Honey messes up (forgetting to gas the car up when he knew it needed gas), he waits for others to step out of line in order to get the focus off of his junk, and he doesn't always show much grace. He hasn't done this much since his big change, but his old self rears it's ugly head now and again. I also knew that Aaron was very upset about the whole ordeal, so I expected the worst from all 3 of them. Instead this is the story I heard:
Hannah went searching in the parking lot of Marie Callendar's for someone with jumper cables. After a little while, she found a man and woman, who were co-workers, and they offered to help. She had the cables and he pulled his car up to ours. The keys were stuck, so the man laid hands on our car, asked God to release them and as soon as he finised praying, the keys were released! - My kids are blown away!! When they jump the car, it turns over, but they discover there isn't enough gas in it, so the man offers to drive my Honey to the station for more. They leave and on the way he offers to stop at a store so that B. can get a regular gas can. My Honey tells him that he doesn't want to take any more of his time because he's already done way more than anyone should for a stranger. The man then tells him, "Brother, I'm in this with you. Until you get your car back on the road, I'm not going anywhere." My Honey is all teary-eyed, grateful, loved, and feeling convicted that he didn't offer this same grace to his own daughter.
When they return and put the gas into the car, it still won't start. Again, this angel-man lays his hand on the car, prays to our God and as soon as he's done, Hannah turns the key and it starts... of course. My Honey tries to give the man some money, he only takes a few dollars for gas and then tells him that he was supposed to be there with them and that he just tries to do what God wants him to do.
Grace.
We all drove home in this kind of twilight zone-ish coziness. We talked about it for days.
How many times has He tried to spend time with me and I just didn't see it? How often have I seen the surface and assumed it was a bad deal, when there was some awesome God thing just under the surface waiting for me? I want to have those eyes again. I used to once upon a time. The only thing blurring my vision now is my own pain and fear of more pain. I just want to see Him and trust Him again. I know He threw me a rope... I wish I could have a pair of safety glasses...

Ahhh, Segues...

Dreading tomorrow... Wondering how things will get turned around. Preparing to have to defend myself... Pissed off at the ironic injustice of all of this...
Feeling like I'm under a microscope and people are waiting to see why I deserve this or why I'm not a "good" person.
Which brings me to this thought that has been swirling around in my head since my d-day. Initially I felt convicted about my own past judgement of other people in "this" situation. Have you ever noticed that when people don't really know the betrayed spouse or they don't care for them or even when they're jealous of them and then they find out about the betrayal, people tend to reason out why it happened to the betrayed person? Often I think it's because we want to feel like it can't happen to us. If we can justify what the betrayed person did to "deserve" that and we don't do the same thing, we reason that it won't happen to us, that we are "safe." It's no wonder the betrayed person feels so embarrassed when they have absolutely NO reason to. The world looks at you as if you must really lack in some area. I can tell you I have struggled with the reasoning part of this whole deal forever. We have always had a fantastic sexual relationship. I am an intelligent, funny, attractive and caring woman. Of course I have my faults, but in the wife department, I am right up there. I could not fill all of the holes my Honey had in his heart and his life. God knows I tried for two decades, but one day all of my spinning plates hit the ground and he chose to leave me in all of the broken glass and desperately tried to find anyone he could to fill his emptiness. I wish people understood how this can happen. It would make a difference in how we raise our kids, I think.
As I lead this group for betrayed spouses (almost all women), it is interesting to me how many things we all have in common. Almost every woman was a supermom kind of personality. We all made life easier for our husbands and our children. Our husbands went to work and drove the car on weekends to taxi us around to the places we planned for family time on the weekends and holidays. The husbands showed up, but they were never fully present - They never had to be. We were so busy being great wives and making it so easy for them to show up, that they were never invested more than they had to be. And since they are human, they didn't give anymore than they had to. Many of the wives were so involved in their kids' lives that they had let their husbands fall by the wayside, but not most of them. Most of them almost killed themselves trying to be everything to everyone and eventually lost themselves on the journey. I think the hardest thing for me when I work with these ladies is when I encounter someone that sees that this is clearly the path to destruction and is still terrified to do it any differently. They have put themselves in the position of being someone their husband depends on and they are so afraid if they aren't there for him in that way, he'll find someone else who will do it for him and really leave. And to be honest, that is what happened to me. When I couldn't bring up food everytime he beckoned, dress up pretty for get-togethers and be the life of the party, etc., he found someone who told him how awesome he was all of the time, brought him food at work and showed up at his band jobs to tell him he was a rock star. It's easy to look from the outside and see that if this is why you think he sticks around, who the hell needs him? But when you have 20 years invested, with several children, all of the memories that go with that, a mortgage, and your own dreams put to sleep for a couple of decades, it's a whole different complicated animal. I'm there now, but it's been a long painful road. I had to be honest about the entire "why" of it all. I didn't just become superwoman for no reason. It was so much easier to be my Honey's and our kids' cheerleader, taxi driver, counselor, comforter,etc. than it was to pursue my dreams and risk putting myself out there. It's an evil trap, setting yourself up to be superwoman. Eventually, your kids and husband all really believe that making them happy, etc. is your only purpose and that they deserve it. And the ugly truth is, it's nobody's fault but your own. Think about how many woman sit around complaining about all they do and how little they get for it. Who asked us to? And how are we painting the future for our kids?
I know there is a fine line between being a self-centered woman and being an independent woman who embraces who God made her to be. I am struggling with being a good mom & wife and being creative. Since I started writing this blog (about 20 minutes ago) my husband has asked me 2 questions, all 3 of my younger kids have asked me 2 or more questions each. When I tell them I'm writing, they impatiently tell me "Okay," but they are not really okay. It's still hard for them to not have me drop everything the minute they beckon. My Banana girl gets it the most. My Honey usually has his feelings hurt and then when I remind him, he not only encourages me, but he runs interference for me.
I am fighting for me. I am working hard to be truly authentic. I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I've ever been. I find that the new people I meet like me more than new acquaintances used to, but a lot of my old family members are less comfortable with me than ever. I'm more comfortable with me than before, so I don't really give it too much thought. If they don't like who I really am, then it's okay with me if they don't want to waste their time with me. That sounds harsher than it is meant to sound. I'm just not willing to attempt the superwoman thing anymore because that would mean I'd lose myself again... And I can't ever go back there.

Grace and the Doormat

Hmmmm.... Where to begin. After meeting with C. last week, she told me that I needed to stand up for myself with her when she does her borderline shit like coming into my classroom in a belligerant manner or elbowing/pushing me in the hall as she walks by or leaves my name off the birthday announcements... And I realize that one of the reasons I'm so exhausted is that I'm bottling this all up again in the name of being a good Christian. So, she comes into my room on Wednesday in the middle of our science lesson and just starts questioning one of my babies. It was inappropriate and unnecessary, but she would probably do that to almost any teacher in the school because she doesn't have normal social skills. So, I let it go...
Thursday morning after I pick my students up from the computer lab and they are all lined up at the corner (near the restrooms), she comes walking out of the bathroom area, looks at me and walks into my left side - with enough force that she turns me a quarter turn. I turn the rest of the way, say, "Excuse me?" To which she shakes her head and continues into the library. An hour later, I ask my Honey what to do with that and I pray about it. I decide the best way to handle it is to go to the librarian, her boss and buddy, because then she'll keep her as calm as possible and hopefully get the point across without all of the drama.
When I went to her, she was VERY understanding, told me that every time she leaves the library, she tells her to stay away from me and not to get fired because she is such a hothead. She tells me that she can't believe she acts the way she does when she is the one who did this to me. She also tells me that she knows I could have herfired. I tell her that I don't want that I was just hoping she could tell her to leave me alone and that we need to be professional and that's all. I explain that I don't think it's a good idea to confront it myself because of her personality and that is the only reason I am coming to her.
40 minutes later, the librarian is at my door, interrupting my math lesson. She asks me to come into the hall, I ask her if she is alone and when she says she is, I agree. She then proceeds to tell me that my "story" doesn't align with the other person's. I say I'm not at all surprised. She says she doesn't remember even seeing me today. The librarian tells me that she will do or say whatever she has to to keep her as her assistant. She tells me she knows that I could have her fired and I interrupt her and say, "I came to you so that you could just address it. I don't want to get anyone fired or make a big deal out of this. I just want her to stop bothering me." She tells me she doesn't really know me enough to know if I am being honest, but she is sure she has never lied to her and they have a history. -Inside I'm laughing because she isn't really trying to tell me that she trusts the adulterer more than me in this situation, is she? But outside I'm just telling her that I'm not surprised and if that's all, I have a class to teach. I'm also wondering why this was important enough to interupt my class when school is out in about an hour. I'm also feeling really screwed over, but not terribly surprised...
A few minutes later a parent brings in a book that has been long overdue. I email the principal that I have gotten it and then I ask her if she can meet with me for a minute after school. This little tidbit is what saves my ass.
As I'm getting my babies bundled up and lined up to leave, my principal, G., comes in and tells me that she needs to meet with me after school. I ask her what it is about and she nods her head and mouths the other woman's last name. I ask if she and the librarian will be there. She responds, "Yes." I then tell her I will not participate. She tells me that she needs to get things straight and she wants us to sign a contract. I tell her that she will not add insult to my injury. She is a bit shocked and says it has to be done and I say that if this is the way things work, then I'm not so sure I'm staying. She walks out for 3 seconds, comes back in, hugs me and says, "Why won't you come to me about all of this stuff?" I start to get emotional in front of my class. I tell her I refuse to be a tattle-tale or a victim and then I tell her I can't do this now when my babies will be upset by it. I let her know that I did email her because I felt like I had to protect myself and that I must have been right since they ran to her. When my students all leave, G. comes in and I tell her how tired I am of all this. I tell her I was trying to do this as biblically as possible. I knew I couldn't go to her, so I went to her friend. I wasn't trying to get anyone in serious trouble, but I was trying to draw a line. I told her I felt like them going to her was totally f'ed up. She told me that they were untrustworthy women, and they backstabbed each other all of the time. She said the librarian is so lazy that she needs the other one there to do everything - and she is a workhorse, I know that. We have a good heart to heart. She tells me that I don't have to meet with them. That she will meet with the other one alone tomorrow and the report will come from my point of view. She also tells me that she told her that her husband believes that Bob works somewhere else and is scared to have him find out different. I'm sure this is a lie, but I'm not sure what her goal is, yet.
Friday the librarian is gone. G. comes in the morning to see how I'm doing. She comes down to library to make sure nothing happens while I check a book out. In the afternoon a few people invite us to go out for a drink after work. We get there and guess who is there? And one of only 3 people at the time... It's a bit uncomfortable, but mostly when her 16 year old shows up for a little while. She keeps telling everyone that she is leaving. Pretty soon it looks like she does and then the waitress comes over and tells 3 other teachers that the other lady would like them to join her in the bar area! Unbelievable! We go over to another teacher's house for a little while and come home.
My Honey and I go to bed, things get intimate, I have an insecure moment and start asking him about the last time I went to MI. Instead of being understanding, he lets me know that I have embarrassed him and ruined the evening. He says that he knows it is his fault, but that he doesn't want to do "this." I tell him that I'm feeling really insecure, but he's upset and turns away from me and goes to sleep. I fall asleep after awhile, but then I wake up at 2. I lay in bed, all of the negative stuff going through my head. A little after 4 I decide to go up to the school to get my plans for the week finished. I ask him for his code to get into the school. He tells me he'll talk. Basically I tell him I'm tired of sitting in the junk of his selfishness until he feels guilty enough to talk to me or until I've explained how incredibly wrong he is and how alone I feel EVERY time this shit happens. He apologizes and tells me AGAIN how he doesn't seem to make the right choices. He knows how hard that must be for me, etc. etc. Saying the words that take responsibility, but not really taking any. Telling me he doesn't want me to be so unhappy - like he's helpless to change anything. Like he's sacrificing by telling me that he understands that I can't stay in this marriage. I think I truly hate him when he gives me that bullshit. It disgusts me on a level I can't describe. If you love something, set it free... such bullshit... So, I told him I'd go and see an attorney next week. He then asked me if this was what I really wanted. NO, what I really want is for you to see my pain - especially when you caused it - and put my needs before your selfish desires. But, that apparently isn't going to happen. Because really, if it hasn't by now, after all of the crap we've been through, I'm not really expecting improvement.
I've been pondering this all morning. I'm all about grace. But I put up with so much for so long that now I get stuck in this place of not settling or putting up with what I did before in the name of grace, in the name of not expecting perfection, in the name of being thankful for what I did have, etc. I want to find the place where I have healthy boundaries. You know that place where you extend grace, you receive grace and you're not a doormat?... Is there such a place? Are f'ed up people like me able to find it? Will I even know it when I get there?

Wormwood, I presume...

I've been struggling for the longest time with the whole issue of forgiveness. I really want to get to a place where I can forgive her. I've been trying to get there and frustrated as all heck because I can't even hear God anymore... I haven't really for years...and I can't get there by myself. I've put all of this pressure on myself to do the right thing so that my kids will see a good example... so that my husband will think I'm "good"... so that God will see I'm "good"... because that's what Christians do, darn it and I'm a good Christian... And honestly, I believe that it's what He wants from me and on some level I REALLY trust His ways. Bob and I met with C., our recovery leader for our affair recovery ministry at church, today. When she asked when we wanted to start the next group, I told her I was in a bad place and we should probably wait a little while. I got pretty emotional, so Bob tried to explain where I'm at right now. He has a hard time believing that I'm not angry with him anymore and that, for the most part, I've forgiven him.
I explained that I don't trust myself anymore. Out of everything that I lost in this tragedy, the most devastating for me has been that I don't trust my feelings, my instincts, my relationship with God. Did I ever really hear His voice? Was I ever in His will? Does He even really exist? Did He try to protect me while my husband was kicking my broken spirit after I told him I'd follow him anywhere because I was absolutely sure God told me to submit to Him and my husband? Did I know that he was betraying me with her? Did I just not want to deal with it? Did I really trust him completely? Was I that stupid? Is it stupid to trust the person you pledged your faithfulness to? All of those times I was sure He was telling me to humble myself before my husband when he was being abusive, who was I really hearing? How did I convince myself that I had such a great marriage when it was clearly NOT a good marriage? Why does the church encourage women to do this? Why did I think I had to lie to our children and everyone else? Why did I think I had to protect God this way? I constantly asked Him to lead me, to show me, to grow me and I thought all of that was happening and now it feels like it was all some sick, twisted joke - a long, painful 20 year joke on me. It feels like the biggest part of my life was a lie and even though I knew it was a little stepford wifey in my heart of hearts, mostly I believed the lie, hook, line and sinker.
So, now I haven't heard much from Jesus in years. I've been calling out to Him off and on during most of the past several years. Sometimes I feel guilty because I know He has blessed us. I can list so many blessings that it would take me more than a day to tell you all of them. I feel a little ashamed. But not enough to get rid of my anger toward God or pretend it's not there. I know He's big enough, but I wonder if He's getting tired of this taking me so darned long. I picture Him being just a little more than disgusted with me when I have the life that I've always wanted now. Of course, do I? -Or am I just going along with the charade again? I'm just so lonely and the longer He's quiet, the more I try to figure out why He's punishing me for such a long time. I wonder what I did that was SO freaking terrible that He would be silent for so long. It's like I keep trying to put the same wrong key in the same lock and I keep getting the same results, but I can't fathom how to do it any differently and when I ask the landlord, he just looks away. So, I never get in and no one will tell me why. And sometimes it feels like "she" is inside relaxing with a cool drink.
C. says I don't have to forgive her until God shows me how. My only responsibility is to keep myself open to God's will - and not the forced one that my impatience brings to the surface every now and then. I worry that I will never hear from Him again. I worry that I will end up a bitter old person like my father is. Those are the lies satan whispers in my ear. He also tells me it will be all my fault if my kids, especially Hannah, don't love God and try to live in His will. The irony is that satan can take the smallest truth, like that I have to forgive her, and make it into all this other junk that distracts me from God's will and keeps me chasing the right thing in the wrong direction. It's no wonder I'm so exhausted all of the time...

Happy Burfday...

This has been one heck of a week! It was my birthday on Wednesday. Each morning at school the older kids do a little morning news show that is broadcast into all of our classrooms. They do the weather, the pledges, the fundraiser stuff, awards, and the birthdays of all of the students and teachers. Now just guess who is in charge of the birthday announcement list? My favorite library assistant... So, you know what happened, right? All of my little babies are all excited to hear it announced -they get that way every time someone in our class has a birthday - and they simply say, "There are NO birthdays today!" One of my little guys asked me if I was sure it was my birthday! Hannah was in my classroom helping. She stood up, went down to the library and told the Librarian (not HER) that it was my birthday. SHE huffed and slammed around a little, to which Hannah asked, "Is there a problem?" The librarian said she was sorry and that they would announce it tomorrow. Hannah was so proud of herself for speaking up. I think after all of the times she's been "borderline" with us and we've been too in shock to react, it felt good to stand up and put it in her court! Anyway, that wasn't enough, my daughter then went to her daddy's classroom and asked him to make an announcement over the PA while she watched his classroom! I could tell he was a little uncomfortable, but the new him won out over the old one and he made the most endearing and hilarious birthday announcement ever! Every teacher and almost all of the students wished me a happy birthday that day. It was truly wonderful! She's been seething ever since!
I get really caught up in trying not to be petty, which I know most of my really christiany friends would tell me, but the truth of the matter is, I need to take my life back. It's okay to not just lie down and take it like some kind of doormat! I've been humiliated enough and it's okay to expect to get the little things that everyone else gets without her trying to be a bitch to me all of the time. It continues to befuddle me why she acts the injured party. She was the aggressive one, she has done this numerous times, she has her kids and marriage back. How is it she feels the victim? I have refused to become the victim in this situation, but PLEASE!... Where does she even begin to think like that?
Anyway... it's been an exhausting week back. I got 3 new students in two days and two of them are handfuls! I'm still not used to going to bed early and not sleeping in until I just happen to wake up. I'm going to bed early tonight and then I'm sleeping in as long as possible! We have nothing to do except church this entire weekend! I'm so looking forward to down time! We are so short on cash that celebrating my birthday was kind of out of the question, but in a couple of weeks we're going out to dinner, just my Honey and I. Once I'm rested, I can't wait for a night out with that man! He made me the most wonderful Powerpoint birthday card! It made me cry... I am loved. I am blessed...

and the beat goes on...

We went to a birthday party last night. Actually our kids were the guests, but we're friends with the parents, so we hung out in the house while the kids "partied" outside by the chimenea. I tried to have a good time. The other couple that stayed are very nice, but a bit too traditional Christians for my bitter old self, sometimes. No one here really knows about our "hell" except for the people we counsel and the people who have counselled us. So, sometimes it feels like we aren't "known" - you know? It feels like we're a lie almost. It's not as awful as it sounds, really, just sometimes I miss true good friends that know your junk and love you deeply.
I feel like I can't even tell anyone about B and W (yesterday's blog) because I'm SO freaking emotional about it and I'll give myself away...
I'm having a hard time dealing with this. I don't know why it's so intense. I kept B up until 4 o'clock this morning just hashing and rehashing the tragedy of it all and then going over our history this past 3 or 4 years. Revisiting how completely alone I felt and then having to deal with the reality that nothing is secure - still. I have this rerun in my head of our youngest, A, mishearing something I said about his dad about 2 years ago. He said, "Did you say divorce?" I laughed and said, "No! I would NEVER say anything about divorce and your dad, EVER!" I remember feeling grateful, looking up toward heaven, whispering a "Thank You" and knowing that what I said was completely true. B and I loved each other so deeply and had been through so much together, that I was sure we would be together forever and a day...
I know at this point you are probably saying, "But you are together, right?" And we are, but we came so close to losing it all. It all happened before I even knew what hit me. I really believed on some level that my marriage was GREAT. I think the thing that has most affected me is not trusting myself anymore. I don't trust my "feelings" or my beliefs anymore. I don't trust much about my life. Even when I feel like it's all good, like we're in a great place, something like B and W just throws me into a tailspin. I know my husband thinks logically I should see we chose to stay together and honor each other and that things are better than they've ever been. I know that, but the past years have affected my logic and my heart...
I want to work through this, see how it could never happen to us and then put it on a nice "move on" shelf in the "security" closet...

a blast from the past...

I found an old friend on facebook today. It's her birthday and I woke up thinking about her. She lived a sort of tough life. Her parents took awhile getting their act together and she had a bit of a wild period when we were in high school. When we found each other a few years after graduating I was thrilled that she was very "settled" down with a man she obviously adored and who felt the same way about her. We kept in touch over the years and I loved that they were so affectionate and had such a solid marriage. They have three kids, she was very close to his family and even nursed her mil through a terminal illness, as I remember. They were always saving for their retirement. She worked like crazy until they had kids and then she stayed home with them until they were all in upper elementary. She went to work right around the corner from their house. She was very frugile, but they made time for each other and they were great parents. They were a very traditional family. She took care of their home, for the most part, and W worked hard and brought home the bacon. A few years before we moved to Texas, she called and told me that they had sold their house in Swartz Creek and had decided to move up north to be closer to his family before their kids got too old to move away from friends. We lost each other for a while...
We sent messages back and forth on fb all day today trying to catch up with each other's lives. When I asked how she and W were enjoying Boyne City, she told me that they had divorced 5 or 6 years ago and that it was a very UGLY divorce. I'm profoundly sad about this. I would've bet money on their marriage making it and flourishing...
She told me that as she read my wall on fb and looked at my pictures, she was moved by how much B and I obviously adore each other. I told her we had just gone through our own hell for a few years and that we appreciate each other more because of all we experienced, but that it wasn't all pretty.
How do we just let go of 20 or more years of history with someone?, especially when we share kids, holiday memories, weddings, deaths, illnesses, vacations, laughter, joy, intimacies...I just can't wrap my head around this. What the heck is the point? I can't imagine the pain the two of them must have experienced. He's already remarried. She lives with her boyfriend. I'm sad. I'm thankful for my husband, my marriage. I'm thankful that we got a second chance and choose to honor each other every day. Sometimes when this kind of stuff comes into my journey I worry that we'll forget or lose our way again. I'm so tired of being on shaky ground.