One of the things I'm trying to reclaim is joy. That probably sounds ridiculous to some people, but I've always been a reasonably grateful person. I choose to recognize how blessed I am because I know that it isn't because I deserve it or I'm owed it, but simply because I am loved by God. I've tried to instill a spirit of gratitude in each of our children - which is sometimes an uphill battle with teens ; ) !! The best way for me to do this is to live it. That wasn't usually a struggle before all of this happened, but now I almost feel afraid to let go and feel joy because I'm so afraid someone is waiting in the wings to snatch it from me as soon as I begin to live in freedom again.
I have this internal conversation with myself:
"So, are you willing to miss out on these moments because you're afraid you will be hurt again?"
"Well, no, but if I just hang back, then it won't hurt so much. I won't feel so humiliated. I won't go reeling, I'll just take a step back and stay there."
"But you'll miss out and you'll have regrets. Is that the life you are choosing?"
"It feels more like it has chosen me. GOD! I do not want to play the victim, but part of me still feels like one. I feel unable to move beyond this at times."
"It's the whole better to have loved and lost bullshit. It sounds SO wise and noble. The truth is it hurts like a mutha and even though I can FINALLY say I feel that way, it took a year and a half to get here - AND too many of the women I work with don't feel that way. They feel as if loving fully got them 20 years wasted!"
"But you don't feel that way."
So, I guess that's the thing. I have to claim it. I have to trust that He'll help me get there if I'm willing to follow Him. He's shown me so much already. The ironic part is that He has given me all of these wonderful moments just recently when I felt so much joy that my eyes were puddles and my Honey and our children just hugged me and told me that they loved me, but then my brain starts preparing, protecting and I'm robbing myself of the joy God blesses me with.
So, this past weekend was one of those rare weekends when the weather is perfect, things are organized, the right clothes are clean and look good on you, and no one argues! Friday I went out for a drink with my principal who knows our dirty little secret. She's a believer and we've connected since we first met 2 years ago, but then all of this got in the way. After drinks I picked up Bob and we went over for burgers on the grill and Hannah provided a fabulous mint chocolate cheese cake. We packed some drinks and went up town to listen to the concert in the park. It was one of those great nights with friends who are easy to be with. I haven't had one of those in years...
Saturday, Bob and Hannah played at a Wine Festival. It was like being at a Michigan apple orchard in late September, only better. It was sunny and warm (got a little color), we had unlimited wine (the sangria was yummy!), free food (pulled pork, roasted veggies...need I say more?), a farmer's market, several (really good) local artists, and I got to watch my Banana-Girl and her daddy make BEAUTIFUL music all afternoon. We all had a fabulous time and talked all the way home about how great it all was...
Sunday, we picked Scott and Bailey up for church and then we went to the Hickory Street Bar and Grille and sat on the patio with all of the kids. We had decided that we would use the money from Saturday to pay for breakfast downtown. We got the breakfast bar with bottomless mimosas for the adults. It was pure happiness. The kind you wish you could bottle and save for "when needed" days. Laughing, teasing, talking about grandchildren with Scott and Bailey, summer plans and sprinklings of how much we all love each other. Then Scott started asking Aaron and Caleb to skip their soccer game so that we could all go to Twin Falls greenbelt and swim. He and Bailey took them to borrow shorts to swim in and get towels. Bob and I took Hannah to buy suits for her and I to swim in and we all met. We hiked the trail down the greenbelt and one by one jumped off the ledge into the cold water! It was delicious! We all slept like babies last night...
Today, my Honey and I are taking the day off. It's the kids' last late day at the academy and we are just laying around enjoying each other and this beautiful day. Steaks on the grill later and then ice cream at Amy's with ALL of the kids, again. I love this man. I love my life... No "buts"... I just love my life.
