You Cannot Lose My Love

My Banana Girl brought this to me tonight and told me that it was "Like God is talking to you, Mom." I said, "Oh, this is the song I sing to you."
As I listened to it, I first thought of how much I love my kids and I'm glad we have the kind of relationship where I show them how unconditional my love for them is. Then I had a quick pity party about how I wish my parents were capable of this kind of love... But then I heard Him speaking to me, "You cannot lose... You cannot lose... You cannot lose My love."
I haven't felt His love reign down on me in a long time. It was worth waiting for...

My Old Friend, Joy, Has Moved Back In

Kind of a rough week. I've been doing the stand in the middle of the room stomping my feet while I tell God how unfair all of this is and list a bunch of the ways/times my husband (and she) kicked me while I was down. I listened to a story in church last week about how God came through financially for this single dad at the last minute and all I could think of was why didn't He come through for me? Why did He allow me to be SO betrayed when I was fighting to stay in a relationship with Him, etc., etc.? After we all went out for lunch, my oldest, Scott, asked me what was wrong and then called me a liar when I told him that I was fine. He hugged me a while later and asked me to please tell him what I was so sad about. I gave him a little outline (including why I couldn't really work through this with his dad's help, but that I don't have any other friends, etc. that I can really discuss this with) while I cried into his shoulder and then he asked me to call him later. I told him I thought I needed him to give me a swift kick in the ass and tell me to get it together. I hoped he would explain why God had seemingly forsaken me or at least tell me why He just wouldn't communicate with me any more. My husband has been trying to help me work through this all week and while I appreciate his commitment to me and this valley, he just probably isn't the one I can do this with. So, on Wednesday I asked Scott to have breakfast with me and we stop by this really cool antique shop, he buys Bailey's engagement ring and then we go to Magnolia's for a great breakfast and time together.
My son doesn't kick me in the pants. He tells me how strong he thinks I am. He tells me how understandable my rhetorical kicking and screaming are. I explain to him how the greatest thing I've lost in all of this is the ability to trust myself - my feelings, my reactions, my opinions, my reality... He tells me that he trusts me completely and he respects my opinion more than ever and that for now I should let it be enough that others feel that way and that, in time, I will regain this for myself. I feel better after we talk, but I'm still so lost. I miss God so much it is overwhelming to me. He asks me to please read C.S. Lewis's "A Grief Observed" and I go to 1/2 Price and buy it immediately, hoping that I will find God in there, or at least, the reason He won't commune with me, so that I can fix it asap! I'm a great "fixer!"
I read the first couple of chapters and some more of "Eat, Pray, Love" and then I go on with my day. The following day I read more of "Eat..." Finally today I finish it and I am overwhelmed with her journey. I am blown away that she went through such a long spiritual drought and just kept seeking Him - and that she kept finding Him - although not without lots of work and commitment. I begin to feel my heart melting. I hold the book and cry for a little while. I feel grateful... I run that picture that is filed away, but always readily available, through my mind of me dancing with joy on my face and people watching while I smash, face first, into a glass doorwall. But, wait... for the first time in forever, I'm not humiliated. I simply get up, dust myself off and realize it doesn't matter to me what they think of me.
So, I open my email and this is what I find:
I am making the rough places smooth and the crooked places straight by taking the stumbling block out of your way. This is what keeps you from progression. It is your disobedience to My Word and your rebellion against My precepts. I am going to make the offense very clear to you in the days ahead so that you can make a choice whether or not to cooperate with My work in your life. If you choose to work with Me in these areas of correction, you will be delighted with the liberty that comes as a result, says the Lord.

Jude 24-25 Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, God our Savior, Who alone is wise, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and forever. Amen.

HE'S SPEAKING TO ME!!!! He's kicking me in the ass and telling me that He is still here, molding me, reminding me that I have free-will, but He is always there to help me.
I had to drive past the hotel awhile later and go to the town that usually causes me to spiral a bit, still. I was unmoved. Her image didn't stir up anger deep in my gut. I only felt loved by God and grateful for His grace and admonishment. I know this may not last permanently, but I choose to believe that it is a MAJOR step in the right direction on my healing journey. I have faith that God is moving and He wants me to DANCE! He loves me and He spoke to me... Today, for the first time in years, I experienced peace and joy...

Last day of work... Summer Vacation!!! I made it through the school year and I did a pretty fine job! My students excelled in ways that not many expected. I had a classroom full of beautiful and very needy kids and I LOVE every one of them. They worked hard and we were a team and they are ready to fly from my nest!!
I have to deal with her again next year. I am hoping that will get easier. Most days it is just fine, but sometimes when I'm REALLY tired or emotional... it's not so easy. Sometimes I even feel like I must be crazy and I just can't stand to think about doing this anymore.
I was just contacted by a betrayed woman who lives next door to the woman her husband betrayed her with. Her husband has left and the other woman is still with her husband. So, she gets to look out her window and be reminded every day. She also has to do it without her husband's support. I can't imagine...
Sometimes when I have a really bad day, B. will ask me if it would be easier to start over without him around reminding me of what he did to me and how much of my life has been affected. I usually just laugh (a sarcastic chuckle), because REALLY, I've spent over 20 years with this man. He has seeped into EVERY area of my life. I can't clean out a drawer in the entire house without being reminded of something that happened in our history together. And then there are the kids. They kind of remind me of him... Even the one that isn't biologically his...
I wish that God would provide really awesome jobs for both of us somewhere close by. I wish we could sell our house and move closer to Austin and NEVER look back. We would all love that, but it's pretty clear to me that that isn't His plan. I'm resigned to that. I wish I could clearly see what His goal is, but apparently that's not the deal. I feel beat up. I'm too tired to do more than submit. I'm also too gun-shy to step out in faith. I feel like I'm wasting time, but I'm not sure how to move forward. I've had so many people tell me how great I'm doing. I'm sure that SO much of that is due to God's will in my life, but the truth of the matter is that I seem to have lost any connection I used to have with Him. It feels like WAY too high a price to pay.