What do I want?...

Maybe that's the question I should be asking myself. Maybe I should REALLY try to figure out what that is...
The truth of the matter is that most woman don't have any idea what they want and almost as many lost sight of their needs a long time ago.
I met with my DE group last night at this beautiful lake house on Lake Travis. We spent the night. We went out to eat, made breakfast together, talked, laughed, prayed and honored each other. It was just the medicine my soul was longing for, but I stopped listening to my soul a long time ago. I knew that I had to force myself to go this weekend. I told myself that it was because I had to reclaim that part of my life. I can't be held prisoner to my fear of Bob betraying me again. I told him that after all I had given him, that if he chooses to risk losing me, again, then I know now that it's a hole in him that I can't fix and I will not blame myself for his bad choices. I was surprised by how difficult it was in some respects, and even more surprised that I was really able to relax and enjoy the women in my group. We share an intimacy that is rare. It's something I have never experienced before and felt so safe in. This is the stuff we long for, but always struggle to find time for or get so busy that we forget how it feeds us. I also am still struggling with reaching out for more time with them because I fear rejection and the distance makes a ready excuse for letting time pass without doing anything about it... Loneliness will be the end of me...

Slowing down ...

Not really sure what to write... It's just that everyone is gone for a couple of hours and it feels like this is the one thing I yearn to do when life is chaotic (which is most of the time), and now I don't have anything very profound to write about.
My house is a mess. I need to study for the EC-12 Pedagogy Test that my job depends upon. But I have my house to myself with NO interruptions and I need to slow down, regroup and enjoy this moment. We took the Banana-Girl to her first counseling session this morning. Her dad had to recount his story about why she is struggling so much with anger, trust, etc. It was difficult, but necessary. It felt good to feel like we are pointing her toward someone who will throw her a rope to get out of this mess she seems to be drowning in. It feels a bit vulnerable to know that the only way for her to get healthy is to tell intimate details about my parenting - which aren't always "pretty" or textbook. I yell. I tell my children to leave my bedroom when they argue with me and I just shut the door and ignore them when I'm tired. I've been tired a lot this past year... But, I'm up for some guidance on how to do this teen parenting thing better, too. I love my girl and it's been EXTREMELY painful to watch her become bitter over this. It's impeded my forgiveness of her father at times. I'm still REALLY mad at him for doing this to her! I'm a little embarassed because she tells me that she thinks I do most of the work in our marriage and she thinks her dad is still such a weak man. I can't defend him. He has to show her that he's changed. There's a lot riding on his example, so I'm praying he keeps growing.
The boys are skateboarding with some good friends uptown. I CANNOT believe how quickly they are growing up. I really like them. They have the best senses of humor. They have a confidence that is hard to find in most 15 year old males. They have been through a bunch the past few years and they are scarred, but so much better and stronger for it. They are more sensitive now. They appreciate our family time in a way they never used to and I don't really expect from teenagers. The Banana-Girl and my Honey are singing/playing a wedding reception in Austin tonight. They performed at Johnny Fin's Floating Bar and Grille a couple of nights ago. When that girl of ours sings, I could just lie down and rest in her voice. I get lost in it. I know that I'm her mom, but she really is that talented. I relish in watching her and her "Pops" captivate an audience. My girl is sultry. She has her daddy's talent and my smile... How can she go wrong?

It's sunny with a tiny breeze and around 82 degrees outside today. I have the windows open and our cat, Figero, is perched on the sill watching the humming birds outside our bedroom. The ceiling fan is on and I'm going to run a bubble bath for myself in a little bit. I am grateful...