Well, I've been mulling all of this over since we got back almost a week ago. The time we spent in Michigan with our friends was absolutely wonderful. It was painful seeing how hard life has been for our friends there. Everybody is struggling with SO much right now, but it was cleansing and it's always amazing to me how these friends of our fill our love tanks by just accepting us and supporting us just as we are.
We had a nice time with my Honey's family. They always spoil us. They don't do it with material stuff as much as with attention. Mom always makes our favorite foods and dad goes to the store and gets special shampoo that we'll all like, etc. We just talk or play games, etc. It's so relaxing and real.
My parents' was a nightmare - plain and simple. For the first time in my life, however, I went there feeling stronger in some ways than I ever have before. For the first time my husband was completely behind me, not acting like I was putting him through something horrible or doing his best to avoid conflict. I knew he would defend me and protect us all. I also knew my kids were on solid ground and that we were united. My mother, and keep in mind here I have believed for several years that her meds are messed up or she is developing alzheimer's (sp.?), insisted that I told her we would arrive at 5 o'clock on Monday and called me at Michele's (at 5:15)to tell me so. We had 5 conversations where she tried to manipulate me into saying we would be there for dinner or that we would stay an extra night, etc. Each time I told her we would be eating at Michele's and would not be there until later that night. She even said she would make tuna/pasta salad in case we were hungry and that way she wouldn't worry about dinner. I told her firmly that I did not say that and then she asked me if we had eaten. When I replied, "Yes," she hung up on me! A couple of hours later we arrived at their house. My father stiffened when I hugged him and said something sarcastic, as my mother walked away from me. I asked him if he was going to do this after we had driven over 1200 miles to get there and we only had a couple of days? He replied that he was only acting like himself, so I asked him to act like someone nice who was glad to see his daughter and family after they had traveled so far to see him. No reply. My mother hugged me like a distant relative that she had a ten year grudge against and that was pretty much the general attitude for the next 2 days! The following night, my sil, Mandy, called to talk to my mother, as she does EVERY single day. In spite of the non-communcation betweeen us for several years and my mother being completely aware of it, she handed me the phone - at first I thought she said it was my brother, Danny. Mandy was all gushy and pretend enthusiasm. I politely answered her questions and asked her how she was doing and how she enjoyed their vacation to Colorado. When it got quiet, she asked if I was still there. I said I was. She asked if I had anything to say, so I told her not really. I said that we hadn't really talked in several years, so I didn't see any reason to pretend we have a relationship because Mom had put us on the phone with one another. She then screamed, "What did I ever do to you?!" I told her we hadn't talked in several years and she hadn't done anything, but since I had made it clear that I wanted a relationship with them and had made several attempts to have one and they had not made any effort, that I didn't really see any reason to pretend on the phone. I said we had been polite and asked how one another was doing, but I saw no need to waste our time pretending there was more between us. She screamed that she only talked to me because Mom had asked her to and then she said, "GOOD-BYE!" I remained calm because I just wanted to be real, I understood we were both put in an uncomfortable position and I had mourned the death of this relationship some time ago.
When I hung up, my mother said, "Well that was a short conversation." I agreed it was. She then asked me if she should not have put me on the phone with Mandy. I quietly told her, "You absolutely should NOT have put us on the phone together." I told her that even though I understand what she wants, I had tried very hard to have a relationship with my brother and his family and they had made it clear that they didn't want one. I told her that things like this tear off my scab a little and it's painful for me. She said she was sorry and that she should probably call Mandy because she was sure she was very upset. WOW! REALLY?! - I told her to do whatever she thought best, but that we were all grown women, no harsh words were spoken and I saw no need to make this into a bigger deal than it really was. Mandy called my mother about 10 minutes later and I overheard my mom consoling her.
The following morning my brother, Scott, called me just as Hannah, Caleb and I were headed next door to my brother, Doug's house for breakfast. I didn't know who it was when I answered the phone. It said "cellular phone," so I thought it might be my brother, Dan, running late or something. We each said hello and then I asked who he was. I thought it sounded like my dad! He said it was Scott, I told him our parents were at Doug's. He said he knew where they were, he called to talk to me (which probably means one of our parents told him I was at their house alone) and then he asked me to give him my "side of what happened last night." I told him that I wasn't going to give him my side and I had no desire to convince him of my position. I told him I felt bad that his wife was put in such an awkward position and that I knew why he would feel protective. He said, very clearly, "I don't give a shit about Mandy! I'm calling because, as usual, you're trying to be the center of attention and making Mom and Dad uncomfortable while you're there!" I told him that he never came to visit any of the times I have in the past 4 years, so he wouldn't have any idea what my visits were like or how our parents felt while I was there. He then told me he thought I was crazy, called me an ugly name, and said, "Why would I EVER come to visit while you're there?" Again, I remained calm until he hung up on me and then I burst into tears with my kids watching. Hannah heard every word and was a mess about it. I got my act together as best I could and then we headed over to Doug's. I went into the bathroom with Bob as soon as I got there and told him through tears how upset I was. I tried my best to just enjoy the time with everyone there. My dad gave me a hard time about the garage door opener, so I took care of that and my mom was stand-offish, at best.
I found out that Danny and Scott are battling it out again. Scott stole a dvd that Dan uses for sales - that cost him several thousand dollars to make- and my dad is the one who gave it to Scott. All of my brothers are in great turmoil over the whole thing. They all said I was the smart one for moving away... sad... My parents, naturally, haven't said a word to me about any of this, because that's what they do. Keep it all in the dark and then act like victims when it all blows up in their faces.
I am so full of emotion, I don't know what to do with it all. I want to have a clear head, but there's too much junk in there right now. I am SO disgusted with my parents. I am appalled at what my family has become because of greed and such conditional "love." The day after we got back I had a notice that one of my family members had deleted me from their account: Mandy! Mature... Then I looked at my father's account and he is no longer friends with Danny... Hmmmm... I wish I could say that I'm surprised by this from him, but I'm not...
Everytime I visit them I am a mess for weeks before we leave and then I'm a bigger mess for weeks when we return. It affects my entire family... I am so tired of being blown away by what horrible people my parents can be. I am so deeply hurt by how they treat all of their children, aside from Scott. I feel like I want to tell my parents that I want them out of my life. Bob asked me to wait a week to make my decision and I have, I think... I'm not sure if I should call or write. If I call, they will twist everything I say when they gossip about it to the other people in my family and then I have to deal with some of my brothers calling to discuss how much I hurt my mother! Also, I'm afraid of my emotions getting the best of me and not clearly communicating and opening myself up to the hurtful things my parents will definitely say to me. If I write, it seems a bit cowardly and impersonal. The good thing is that I could blind copy it to my brothers and then my parents couldn't say it said anything that it didn't. Part of the problem is that I know in communicating how hurt I feel, a little piece of me is hoping for change and there goes that scab again. I kind of wish they would just leave me alone... fade off into the sunset.
I talked with my son, Scott, yesterday. I told him I feel so conflicted because I have tried so hard to parent with unconditional love because I never wanted them to feel like I did, but that now I'm thinking about telling my parents to leave me alone, I feel like I'm not offering them grace, unconditional love and I'm afraid of what I'm showing my children about family. I said I just want to do this "right." He said I will always love them, but that they don't accept my love and it's healthy to have boundaries with people like that. He is wise beyond his years...
Hannah wrote a letter to her Uncle Scott yesterday. She told him how upset she was about the way he talked to me. She told him she expected more from him, a better example. She told him he wouldn't want his son to talk that way to his sisters so he shouldn't set that example. When she asked if she could do it, I told her she could, but I didn't want to see any swearing or disrespect. HA! I was moved by how well she expressed herself. It filled me with hope to see how highly she regards family.
I hate that I put my husband and kids through this shit with my family of origin. It's time to stop the madness and stop doing what looks right to others. I may regret not having them in my life when they are gone, but I regret almost every minute I spend with them now, so I'm not sure how to realistically make a healthy choice for everyone or even anyone! I don't want to be one of those people that just walks away because they think they are always supposed to be "happy" - because I get that that is just self-centered b.s., but to keep exposing us all to this is just kind of sick, isn't it? I mean finding that place between unconditional love and doormat is so hard for me... wouldn't you think I'd get better at it at some point?...
