What IS my bottom line?...

So....
Just before Christmas the 3rd grade bilingual teacher left - a whole other ridiculous story I should not get into. A new young, sharp woman without a teaching degree, but with a degree in Spanish was hired after two other people turned the job down. Now she's anglo, looks like a younger, more stylish version of me, so I tell my husband that I feel really threatened by her - especially because she's in the bilingual dept. with him and I know the other Mexican women will chew her up and spit her out, so he will feel protective. We are both like this, but we can't afford to be anymore, because all we can do is protect ourselves while I heal. He tells me he won't even talk to her unless it absolutely necessary and completely work related.
So, a few weeks ago they have a bilingual meeting and he reports to me that she asked him one question and he answered it very business-like and that was all there was to it. Then they had another bilingual meeting this past Monday. He told me a story about how he talked with the other teachers and aides at the meeting, but never mentioned her.
Wednesday evening we sat on the couch together and he said he wanted to check his email. As soon as he opened it, there was a reply email from the new teacher. The subject line said something about an mp3 of one of his songs. He immediately started down-playing the email. I stood up and started screaming (with my daughter in the room, btw), "Are you fucking kidding me?" He tries to explain through my ranting that she asked to hear one of his recordings after the other bilingual staff introduced him as the resident musician and so he told her he would send her one.
I storm off to the bedroom and he follows. He keeps trying to justify why it wasn't anything. He says he should've been more sensitive. He says she means nothing to him and I scream how little I care about that. Our kids hear everything through the walls, the ceiling, the vents... I am SO fucking mad that at one point I tell him how much I want to hurt him. I tell him that at this point I want a divorce. That I can't imagine sweeping this under the rug and setting that example for our daughter.
He tries to talk to H and each time he minimizes his role in the whole thing, she completely throws it back in his lap and tells him to man up and take responsibility for his actions. He tries to explain things to me again and I just keep explaining to him how ridiculous his reasoning is.
I realize how much I've changed this past 16 months. I am not blaming myself or trying to figure out where I am lacking. I completely get that he has a problem. I also totally see that this is how the other started. He wasn't interested in her for any other reason than she told him how great she thought he was all of the time. When they all started talking about him being an awesome singer/musician, he saw the chance of getting a little of his drug of choice - her compliments - and he chose to throw me and my transparent fear under the bus. He understood how much pain it would cause me and still he took the chance.
Now, I know there are people who think this is a minor infraction. The other 500-plus times this happened, pre-betrayal, I would've (and did) agree with that determination. It is so abundantly clear to me that my husband is truly a bottomless well and he will do whatever he has to to feel full for the 40.2 seconds a compliment lasts. I have run interference all of our marriage because this is a familiar dance. When I couldn't emotionally be on my toes, the wrong person stepped into the picture and my weak husband chose to be led to the slaughter. I refuse to run interference any longer. It got old a LONG, LONG time ago. He doesn't feel safe anymore. I don't really want to invest anymore into this marriage only to find out that he'll repeat this in another year or two. I can see that he is hugely remorseful. He has taken responsibility for hiding it from me and knowing that he made that choice because he justified how strong I am now and that he knew she doesn't mean anything to him.
I have never been as happy and felt as loved as I have this past year - I know that sounds crazy considering that this was all a result of the worst betrayal I've ever experienced. I have no doubt that he is madly in love with me in ways he never has been before. I know he isn't attracted to her. I know he had no motive other than receiving praise for his talents.
I feel like I am suffering from split personality disorder. I cannot imagine divorcing this man. I love him deeply, completely, humbly. He is my best friend, my partner, my confidant, the father of my children, my memory sharer, my future co-conspirator, my hero, my comedian. When I think of telling him about how insecure I felt about her after he betrayed me and that weeks later he secretly sent her a copy of his song for her approval, I feel like I can't spend one more minute in this marriage.
The irony is that he is my best friend. This means that I feel completely alone right now. Our kids are reasonably messed up. I was sure H. would tell me to leave him. She thinks I should take some time, see our marriage counselor, and consider giving him another chance. The boys agree. I want to do what is right for as many people as possible. I am trying to decide what my bottom line is...
I wish more than anything, right now, that I would stop trying to fix this as fast as possible and that I could just be prayerful and wait on Him.
I told B. the day before this happened that I finally knew how much he loved me and that I knew he would pick me. Then that afternoon, as I drove to get our lunch, I prayed that God would help me to not be so hard on B and not let my need to know that he was sorry (and have that lead to reassurance that he would honor me) lead to me dissing him and God in bitterness. I told God that I wanted to be close to Him again and that I wanted to truly be authentic. I feel so foolish. I'm trying to not be pissed at God. It really does feel like every time I start to stand up, I am KNOCKED right on my ass. I know that satan has a hand in this. Bob has really been growing close to God. He realized a few weeks ago that he had let his relationship go a bit and he had really been spending time with Him again. But it feels like ultimately my husband chose to discard my fragile emotional state for a compliment.
Where does that fall in the "bottom-line" area?

Desert, Year 37...

I've reached this new level of... I don't know, peace, maybe, with her. Something has changed at work. I don't feel like it's a mausoleum of memories of/for the two of them. It feels like I have my own place there now. It feels like others have come to a place of acceptance. They buy that I'm a good teacher and even a nice person, so there's no more junk, because there aren't any secrets to uncover or insecurities to expose. It feels like she's a little different. Less antagonistic, maybe.
Yesterday I had to take my babies to the library and she didn't get loud like she has in the past. My Honey's students were in there and they asked me to help them find a bilingual Valentine's Day book for them. The only one that was listed as "in" on the computer was not on the shelf, so I had to ask her about it. She was uncomfortable, but not bi-polarish. I even did that thing I do and flashed the "Oh my God, my husband has seen her almost naked" thing through my head, just to see if this new perspective was for real. It wasn't pleasant, but it was less painful/uncomfortable than in the past. When I told my Honey about it, he was flustered when I told him that I do that many times when I see her. He asked me what purpose it served. I really think it helps me gauge how far I've come in the emotional recovery area. Maybe I'm just a creeper...
So, a neat thing has transpired in my heart. I realized a few days ago that I'm beginning to be really okay with being used in her life. I have been SO pissed off thinking that that is probably one of the big reasons this whole job thing fell into place in such an obviously "God orchestrated this" kinda way. I have NOT been happy that my relationship with Him has suffered great injury while my Honey's is growing exponentially and now I'm supposed to help her wipe her slate clean and have this awesome relationship, too? After what they both did? I am just NOT that sacrificial, you know? I don't even think I'd like to hang around someone who is... there's just a line where someone is a little too "Holly-Molly-Polly," you know? I always feel dirty around those people... But, I digress...
She's such a sad human being. God made her and He loves her just like He loves me. (Okay, that bothers me a little...). If He can use me to help break this generational unfaithful spouse thing in her family, and it helps her daughter, I could rejoice in that. I know this may sound really arrogant. I know He doesn't need my permisssion and He may not use me at all. I just know there is some plan here. I know that there is so much more going on at this school than our human eyes can see. I'm just excited that I'm finally starting to feel some peace about that.
My Honey says that nothing has really changed at work - He says the change is in my heart. I still have to mull that one over a bit... It makes me feel kind of powerful...

But that's not all...

This really cool thing happened to me a few Sundays ago and I wanted to share. It was after my meeting with C. about our affair recovery ministry. I had my women's small group Bible study and I was a mess. I have some good, strong, authentic friends in there. They were worried about me because I looked a mess - red puffy eyes, etc. Of course, I told them I was fine... One of my friends started talking about how she was struggling at work and on the way home one night, she was driving next to a train and started thinking that if she just sped up a little and pulled in front of it, the train would crush her and her struggles would be over. She said that before she knew God and she was a recovering alcoholic, she would have thoughts like that constantly. She couldn't believe that those thoughts would still come into her mind over such comparatively trivial struggles in her life now. Then she started crying and saying how guilty she felt because she has a daughter now and such a good life, which, naturally, led to her beating herself up in the motherhood department... And suddenly I realized I was sobbing and then I whispered, "That's exactly what satan wants you to believe. He wants to put guilt between you and Christ so that you won't become what He wants you to become." - Isn't it amazing how we can SO CLEARLY see this in the lives of others, but hardly ever in our own lives? I had just beat myself up in C.'s office for not getting over the affair quickly enough, for not fully forgiving HER, yet, but I couldn't see that those were his lies to get my focus off of Christ. It was a beautiful, freeing moment for everyone in the room.
But that's not all...
After our gathering I went to our church's Deepen service, for people who want a little more meat than seekers or new believers might. Bob and the kids were supposed to meet me, but he got caught up getting the oil changed so he texted me that he would be a little late. They still weren't there after Deepen so I called him and found out that they had run out of gas and were walking to a station to get some more. He asked me to see if I could find anyone to drive me there and pick them up. He had left Hannah in the car. I can't see any of the people I know and I keep feeling like I'm not really supposed to ask.
I called about 30 minutes later, as everyone is leaving the church and he now tells me that Hannah left the radio on, etc. and the battery is dead. (When we bought the car almost 3 years ago I remember them telling me that the battery can't be run down. We've left the dome light on all night before and it's always been fine.) He wants me to ask someone to drive me there and ask them if they have jumper cables. I still don't feel like I'm supposed to and it doesn't make sense to me, timewise, so I sit and wait as everyone clears out...
Hannah texts that they have found someone with jumper cables - Her dad made her ask people because he was SO angry with her. The problem now is that the key is stuck in the ignition and it won't come out. It used to do this when we first bought it, but it hasn't happened in almost 2 years. My friend is one of the last people there and she approaches me to introduce her new man (who seems as wonderful as she is, btw). I tell her what's happened to Bob and the kids, she offers me a ride, but I tell her they will be here any minute and thank you! Five minutes after they leave, I call and Hannah tells me that they didn't put enough gas in the car and they have to get more, now.
I am really beginning to have a pity party now. It's a little chilly out, the custodian guy offers me a ride after telling me I have to leave the building. I decline and carry all of my stuff - OH, did I mention that I brought the snacks and drinks tonight, as well as my Bible, notebook, study book, and purse?- outside to stand in the courtyard. As I watch the last cars exit, a few even ask me if I need help. I feel more and more alone with each kind offer.
I call Hannah again, she tells me that they are doing all they can, but they aren't on their way, yet. I hang up and cry out to God, "Can't You please take pity on me? It's enough already! I feel SO alone. What do you want from me, God?" That still, small voice in my head says with patience and love beyond my comprehension, "I want to spend some time with you." So, I take a deep breath and I clear out all of the junk and I just get real with Him. I tell Him how pissed off I am at her and that I really want to forgive her and I really want to be who He wants me to be, but that I am completely lost and I just don't know how to get the heck out of my way. I even tell Him how angry I am at Him. How alone I've felt. How persecuted I am feeling. I tell Him I know He has done SO freaking much for me, but I still can't get over the pain this has caused and that the worst part is that I seem to have lost the awesome relationship I had with Him. I feel a little lighter, a little cleaner...I sing a little - right there in the courtyard, at night in Austin for an audience of One. And then the best part is I just listen to Him. I haven't been able to do that is such a long time. I just rest in the moment... in Him. I don't feel alone anymore and I feel connected to Him - and really LOVED by Him. Mmmmmmmmm.... You know?....
I know that my family will be there soon, because I know it's time for them to come now - and they do. My Honey is expecting me to be all upset - especially because I am much more fragile and insecure since the betrayal - and I'm not. I'm so flippin' centered and it's truly beautiful. I get into the car, assure him that I'm really okay, I'm good.
But that's not all...
I realize that they are all really good, too. Earlier it was apparent that B. had gone a bit ballistic on our Banana Girl for the battery incident. Typically when my Honey messes up (forgetting to gas the car up when he knew it needed gas), he waits for others to step out of line in order to get the focus off of his junk, and he doesn't always show much grace. He hasn't done this much since his big change, but his old self rears it's ugly head now and again. I also knew that Aaron was very upset about the whole ordeal, so I expected the worst from all 3 of them. Instead this is the story I heard:
Hannah went searching in the parking lot of Marie Callendar's for someone with jumper cables. After a little while, she found a man and woman, who were co-workers, and they offered to help. She had the cables and he pulled his car up to ours. The keys were stuck, so the man laid hands on our car, asked God to release them and as soon as he finised praying, the keys were released! - My kids are blown away!! When they jump the car, it turns over, but they discover there isn't enough gas in it, so the man offers to drive my Honey to the station for more. They leave and on the way he offers to stop at a store so that B. can get a regular gas can. My Honey tells him that he doesn't want to take any more of his time because he's already done way more than anyone should for a stranger. The man then tells him, "Brother, I'm in this with you. Until you get your car back on the road, I'm not going anywhere." My Honey is all teary-eyed, grateful, loved, and feeling convicted that he didn't offer this same grace to his own daughter.
When they return and put the gas into the car, it still won't start. Again, this angel-man lays his hand on the car, prays to our God and as soon as he's done, Hannah turns the key and it starts... of course. My Honey tries to give the man some money, he only takes a few dollars for gas and then tells him that he was supposed to be there with them and that he just tries to do what God wants him to do.
Grace.
We all drove home in this kind of twilight zone-ish coziness. We talked about it for days.
How many times has He tried to spend time with me and I just didn't see it? How often have I seen the surface and assumed it was a bad deal, when there was some awesome God thing just under the surface waiting for me? I want to have those eyes again. I used to once upon a time. The only thing blurring my vision now is my own pain and fear of more pain. I just want to see Him and trust Him again. I know He threw me a rope... I wish I could have a pair of safety glasses...