I've reached this new level of... I don't know, peace, maybe, with her. Something has changed at work. I don't feel like it's a mausoleum of memories of/for the two of them. It feels like I have my own place there now. It feels like others have come to a place of acceptance. They buy that I'm a good teacher and even a nice person, so there's no more junk, because there aren't any secrets to uncover or insecurities to expose. It feels like she's a little different. Less antagonistic, maybe.
Yesterday I had to take my babies to the library and she didn't get loud like she has in the past. My Honey's students were in there and they asked me to help them find a bilingual Valentine's Day book for them. The only one that was listed as "in" on the computer was not on the shelf, so I had to ask her about it. She was uncomfortable, but not bi-polarish. I even did that thing I do and flashed the "Oh my God, my husband has seen her almost naked" thing through my head, just to see if this new perspective was for real. It wasn't pleasant, but it was less painful/uncomfortable than in the past. When I told my Honey about it, he was flustered when I told him that I do that many times when I see her. He asked me what purpose it served. I really think it helps me gauge how far I've come in the emotional recovery area. Maybe I'm just a creeper...
So, a neat thing has transpired in my heart. I realized a few days ago that I'm beginning to be really okay with being used in her life. I have been SO pissed off thinking that that is probably one of the big reasons this whole job thing fell into place in such an obviously "God orchestrated this" kinda way. I have NOT been happy that my relationship with Him has suffered great injury while my Honey's is growing exponentially and now I'm supposed to help her wipe her slate clean and have this awesome relationship, too? After what they both did? I am just NOT that sacrificial, you know? I don't even think I'd like to hang around someone who is... there's just a line where someone is a little too "Holly-Molly-Polly," you know? I always feel dirty around those people... But, I digress...
She's such a sad human being. God made her and He loves her just like He loves me. (Okay, that bothers me a little...). If He can use me to help break this generational unfaithful spouse thing in her family, and it helps her daughter, I could rejoice in that. I know this may sound really arrogant. I know He doesn't need my permisssion and He may not use me at all. I just know there is some plan here. I know that there is so much more going on at this school than our human eyes can see. I'm just excited that I'm finally starting to feel some peace about that.
My Honey says that nothing has really changed at work - He says the change is in my heart. I still have to mull that one over a bit... It makes me feel kind of powerful...
4 comments:
yes, God does love her too. that's a hard concept to grasp.
please, please be careful, my friend.
i feel like i'm hovering over your life from afar and it almost seems unfair. i read your blog but i'm not there...i wasn't there.
the last few posts have really bothered me....i don't know why. i don't know all the details of the circumstances that called you to work there or b. to continue to work there or her not getting fired. all i have is my limited perspective.
Okay... You have to be more specific. I feel like I can't really tell what you're referring to.
I've been SO freaking careful that I'm stuffing everything and letting my fear of what could happen if I stand up for myself make me physically ill. I feel like I'm standing up for myself and not allowing myself to be treated like a doormat and with that seems to come some peace. That's way over-simplified, but covers it...
I wish we could sit down with a hot cup of tea/coffee and chat...
i was going to come back...kids were fighting and i couldn't complete a thought.
first of all...i'm so loving that you have peace...i should have started with that.
after the peace part though...ugh. seems like..well...don't hate me but didn't you think before that God was using you/b. in her life?
i don't think it's arrogant to think that God would use you, it shows your faith. i think that you are a positive person who sees the best in people, it's a quality that you have...a gift even. it would make a great testimony. but....?
i realize that i'm responding to your journal in a way. i know you're working it out and that you WILL work it out. i don't want to be a stick in your spoke. i know we've both had our struggles with christianity. i'm trying HARD to keep my mouth shut these days, it only gets me in trouble and misunderstood so please know that.
I never really felt like I was being used in her life. She would whine a bunch to Bob and I and he would always ask me to pray for her, as would she. Bob tried to force a friendship between her and I that I would always disengage from because she is the polar opposite of me in almost every way and having a conversation with her was a struggle. I was nice and I felt like I was trying to set a good example of how a wife honors her husband ( how's that for ironic?), because she was always bad-mouthing hers, but that was the extent of it. I still feel like my only responsibility is to be who I am in Christ, I don't have to figure out how that may or may not work into her life. I also know that being a Christian doesn't mean I have to be a doormat. I have a new boldness, confidence and I feel like He's pleased with that.
I want to hear what you think. You are the only one that reads my blog, aside from Bob and Hannah. It's good for me to have your perspective.
LOVE the book, by the way. Thank you for loving me enough to send it!
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