But that's not all...

This really cool thing happened to me a few Sundays ago and I wanted to share. It was after my meeting with C. about our affair recovery ministry. I had my women's small group Bible study and I was a mess. I have some good, strong, authentic friends in there. They were worried about me because I looked a mess - red puffy eyes, etc. Of course, I told them I was fine... One of my friends started talking about how she was struggling at work and on the way home one night, she was driving next to a train and started thinking that if she just sped up a little and pulled in front of it, the train would crush her and her struggles would be over. She said that before she knew God and she was a recovering alcoholic, she would have thoughts like that constantly. She couldn't believe that those thoughts would still come into her mind over such comparatively trivial struggles in her life now. Then she started crying and saying how guilty she felt because she has a daughter now and such a good life, which, naturally, led to her beating herself up in the motherhood department... And suddenly I realized I was sobbing and then I whispered, "That's exactly what satan wants you to believe. He wants to put guilt between you and Christ so that you won't become what He wants you to become." - Isn't it amazing how we can SO CLEARLY see this in the lives of others, but hardly ever in our own lives? I had just beat myself up in C.'s office for not getting over the affair quickly enough, for not fully forgiving HER, yet, but I couldn't see that those were his lies to get my focus off of Christ. It was a beautiful, freeing moment for everyone in the room.
But that's not all...
After our gathering I went to our church's Deepen service, for people who want a little more meat than seekers or new believers might. Bob and the kids were supposed to meet me, but he got caught up getting the oil changed so he texted me that he would be a little late. They still weren't there after Deepen so I called him and found out that they had run out of gas and were walking to a station to get some more. He asked me to see if I could find anyone to drive me there and pick them up. He had left Hannah in the car. I can't see any of the people I know and I keep feeling like I'm not really supposed to ask.
I called about 30 minutes later, as everyone is leaving the church and he now tells me that Hannah left the radio on, etc. and the battery is dead. (When we bought the car almost 3 years ago I remember them telling me that the battery can't be run down. We've left the dome light on all night before and it's always been fine.) He wants me to ask someone to drive me there and ask them if they have jumper cables. I still don't feel like I'm supposed to and it doesn't make sense to me, timewise, so I sit and wait as everyone clears out...
Hannah texts that they have found someone with jumper cables - Her dad made her ask people because he was SO angry with her. The problem now is that the key is stuck in the ignition and it won't come out. It used to do this when we first bought it, but it hasn't happened in almost 2 years. My friend is one of the last people there and she approaches me to introduce her new man (who seems as wonderful as she is, btw). I tell her what's happened to Bob and the kids, she offers me a ride, but I tell her they will be here any minute and thank you! Five minutes after they leave, I call and Hannah tells me that they didn't put enough gas in the car and they have to get more, now.
I am really beginning to have a pity party now. It's a little chilly out, the custodian guy offers me a ride after telling me I have to leave the building. I decline and carry all of my stuff - OH, did I mention that I brought the snacks and drinks tonight, as well as my Bible, notebook, study book, and purse?- outside to stand in the courtyard. As I watch the last cars exit, a few even ask me if I need help. I feel more and more alone with each kind offer.
I call Hannah again, she tells me that they are doing all they can, but they aren't on their way, yet. I hang up and cry out to God, "Can't You please take pity on me? It's enough already! I feel SO alone. What do you want from me, God?" That still, small voice in my head says with patience and love beyond my comprehension, "I want to spend some time with you." So, I take a deep breath and I clear out all of the junk and I just get real with Him. I tell Him how pissed off I am at her and that I really want to forgive her and I really want to be who He wants me to be, but that I am completely lost and I just don't know how to get the heck out of my way. I even tell Him how angry I am at Him. How alone I've felt. How persecuted I am feeling. I tell Him I know He has done SO freaking much for me, but I still can't get over the pain this has caused and that the worst part is that I seem to have lost the awesome relationship I had with Him. I feel a little lighter, a little cleaner...I sing a little - right there in the courtyard, at night in Austin for an audience of One. And then the best part is I just listen to Him. I haven't been able to do that is such a long time. I just rest in the moment... in Him. I don't feel alone anymore and I feel connected to Him - and really LOVED by Him. Mmmmmmmmm.... You know?....
I know that my family will be there soon, because I know it's time for them to come now - and they do. My Honey is expecting me to be all upset - especially because I am much more fragile and insecure since the betrayal - and I'm not. I'm so flippin' centered and it's truly beautiful. I get into the car, assure him that I'm really okay, I'm good.
But that's not all...
I realize that they are all really good, too. Earlier it was apparent that B. had gone a bit ballistic on our Banana Girl for the battery incident. Typically when my Honey messes up (forgetting to gas the car up when he knew it needed gas), he waits for others to step out of line in order to get the focus off of his junk, and he doesn't always show much grace. He hasn't done this much since his big change, but his old self rears it's ugly head now and again. I also knew that Aaron was very upset about the whole ordeal, so I expected the worst from all 3 of them. Instead this is the story I heard:
Hannah went searching in the parking lot of Marie Callendar's for someone with jumper cables. After a little while, she found a man and woman, who were co-workers, and they offered to help. She had the cables and he pulled his car up to ours. The keys were stuck, so the man laid hands on our car, asked God to release them and as soon as he finised praying, the keys were released! - My kids are blown away!! When they jump the car, it turns over, but they discover there isn't enough gas in it, so the man offers to drive my Honey to the station for more. They leave and on the way he offers to stop at a store so that B. can get a regular gas can. My Honey tells him that he doesn't want to take any more of his time because he's already done way more than anyone should for a stranger. The man then tells him, "Brother, I'm in this with you. Until you get your car back on the road, I'm not going anywhere." My Honey is all teary-eyed, grateful, loved, and feeling convicted that he didn't offer this same grace to his own daughter.
When they return and put the gas into the car, it still won't start. Again, this angel-man lays his hand on the car, prays to our God and as soon as he's done, Hannah turns the key and it starts... of course. My Honey tries to give the man some money, he only takes a few dollars for gas and then tells him that he was supposed to be there with them and that he just tries to do what God wants him to do.
Grace.
We all drove home in this kind of twilight zone-ish coziness. We talked about it for days.
How many times has He tried to spend time with me and I just didn't see it? How often have I seen the surface and assumed it was a bad deal, when there was some awesome God thing just under the surface waiting for me? I want to have those eyes again. I used to once upon a time. The only thing blurring my vision now is my own pain and fear of more pain. I just want to see Him and trust Him again. I know He threw me a rope... I wish I could have a pair of safety glasses...