Ahhh, Segues...

Dreading tomorrow... Wondering how things will get turned around. Preparing to have to defend myself... Pissed off at the ironic injustice of all of this...
Feeling like I'm under a microscope and people are waiting to see why I deserve this or why I'm not a "good" person.
Which brings me to this thought that has been swirling around in my head since my d-day. Initially I felt convicted about my own past judgement of other people in "this" situation. Have you ever noticed that when people don't really know the betrayed spouse or they don't care for them or even when they're jealous of them and then they find out about the betrayal, people tend to reason out why it happened to the betrayed person? Often I think it's because we want to feel like it can't happen to us. If we can justify what the betrayed person did to "deserve" that and we don't do the same thing, we reason that it won't happen to us, that we are "safe." It's no wonder the betrayed person feels so embarrassed when they have absolutely NO reason to. The world looks at you as if you must really lack in some area. I can tell you I have struggled with the reasoning part of this whole deal forever. We have always had a fantastic sexual relationship. I am an intelligent, funny, attractive and caring woman. Of course I have my faults, but in the wife department, I am right up there. I could not fill all of the holes my Honey had in his heart and his life. God knows I tried for two decades, but one day all of my spinning plates hit the ground and he chose to leave me in all of the broken glass and desperately tried to find anyone he could to fill his emptiness. I wish people understood how this can happen. It would make a difference in how we raise our kids, I think.
As I lead this group for betrayed spouses (almost all women), it is interesting to me how many things we all have in common. Almost every woman was a supermom kind of personality. We all made life easier for our husbands and our children. Our husbands went to work and drove the car on weekends to taxi us around to the places we planned for family time on the weekends and holidays. The husbands showed up, but they were never fully present - They never had to be. We were so busy being great wives and making it so easy for them to show up, that they were never invested more than they had to be. And since they are human, they didn't give anymore than they had to. Many of the wives were so involved in their kids' lives that they had let their husbands fall by the wayside, but not most of them. Most of them almost killed themselves trying to be everything to everyone and eventually lost themselves on the journey. I think the hardest thing for me when I work with these ladies is when I encounter someone that sees that this is clearly the path to destruction and is still terrified to do it any differently. They have put themselves in the position of being someone their husband depends on and they are so afraid if they aren't there for him in that way, he'll find someone else who will do it for him and really leave. And to be honest, that is what happened to me. When I couldn't bring up food everytime he beckoned, dress up pretty for get-togethers and be the life of the party, etc., he found someone who told him how awesome he was all of the time, brought him food at work and showed up at his band jobs to tell him he was a rock star. It's easy to look from the outside and see that if this is why you think he sticks around, who the hell needs him? But when you have 20 years invested, with several children, all of the memories that go with that, a mortgage, and your own dreams put to sleep for a couple of decades, it's a whole different complicated animal. I'm there now, but it's been a long painful road. I had to be honest about the entire "why" of it all. I didn't just become superwoman for no reason. It was so much easier to be my Honey's and our kids' cheerleader, taxi driver, counselor, comforter,etc. than it was to pursue my dreams and risk putting myself out there. It's an evil trap, setting yourself up to be superwoman. Eventually, your kids and husband all really believe that making them happy, etc. is your only purpose and that they deserve it. And the ugly truth is, it's nobody's fault but your own. Think about how many woman sit around complaining about all they do and how little they get for it. Who asked us to? And how are we painting the future for our kids?
I know there is a fine line between being a self-centered woman and being an independent woman who embraces who God made her to be. I am struggling with being a good mom & wife and being creative. Since I started writing this blog (about 20 minutes ago) my husband has asked me 2 questions, all 3 of my younger kids have asked me 2 or more questions each. When I tell them I'm writing, they impatiently tell me "Okay," but they are not really okay. It's still hard for them to not have me drop everything the minute they beckon. My Banana girl gets it the most. My Honey usually has his feelings hurt and then when I remind him, he not only encourages me, but he runs interference for me.
I am fighting for me. I am working hard to be truly authentic. I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I've ever been. I find that the new people I meet like me more than new acquaintances used to, but a lot of my old family members are less comfortable with me than ever. I'm more comfortable with me than before, so I don't really give it too much thought. If they don't like who I really am, then it's okay with me if they don't want to waste their time with me. That sounds harsher than it is meant to sound. I'm just not willing to attempt the superwoman thing anymore because that would mean I'd lose myself again... And I can't ever go back there.