Grace and the Doormat

Hmmmm.... Where to begin. After meeting with C. last week, she told me that I needed to stand up for myself with her when she does her borderline shit like coming into my classroom in a belligerant manner or elbowing/pushing me in the hall as she walks by or leaves my name off the birthday announcements... And I realize that one of the reasons I'm so exhausted is that I'm bottling this all up again in the name of being a good Christian. So, she comes into my room on Wednesday in the middle of our science lesson and just starts questioning one of my babies. It was inappropriate and unnecessary, but she would probably do that to almost any teacher in the school because she doesn't have normal social skills. So, I let it go...
Thursday morning after I pick my students up from the computer lab and they are all lined up at the corner (near the restrooms), she comes walking out of the bathroom area, looks at me and walks into my left side - with enough force that she turns me a quarter turn. I turn the rest of the way, say, "Excuse me?" To which she shakes her head and continues into the library. An hour later, I ask my Honey what to do with that and I pray about it. I decide the best way to handle it is to go to the librarian, her boss and buddy, because then she'll keep her as calm as possible and hopefully get the point across without all of the drama.
When I went to her, she was VERY understanding, told me that every time she leaves the library, she tells her to stay away from me and not to get fired because she is such a hothead. She tells me that she can't believe she acts the way she does when she is the one who did this to me. She also tells me that she knows I could have herfired. I tell her that I don't want that I was just hoping she could tell her to leave me alone and that we need to be professional and that's all. I explain that I don't think it's a good idea to confront it myself because of her personality and that is the only reason I am coming to her.
40 minutes later, the librarian is at my door, interrupting my math lesson. She asks me to come into the hall, I ask her if she is alone and when she says she is, I agree. She then proceeds to tell me that my "story" doesn't align with the other person's. I say I'm not at all surprised. She says she doesn't remember even seeing me today. The librarian tells me that she will do or say whatever she has to to keep her as her assistant. She tells me she knows that I could have her fired and I interrupt her and say, "I came to you so that you could just address it. I don't want to get anyone fired or make a big deal out of this. I just want her to stop bothering me." She tells me she doesn't really know me enough to know if I am being honest, but she is sure she has never lied to her and they have a history. -Inside I'm laughing because she isn't really trying to tell me that she trusts the adulterer more than me in this situation, is she? But outside I'm just telling her that I'm not surprised and if that's all, I have a class to teach. I'm also wondering why this was important enough to interupt my class when school is out in about an hour. I'm also feeling really screwed over, but not terribly surprised...
A few minutes later a parent brings in a book that has been long overdue. I email the principal that I have gotten it and then I ask her if she can meet with me for a minute after school. This little tidbit is what saves my ass.
As I'm getting my babies bundled up and lined up to leave, my principal, G., comes in and tells me that she needs to meet with me after school. I ask her what it is about and she nods her head and mouths the other woman's last name. I ask if she and the librarian will be there. She responds, "Yes." I then tell her I will not participate. She tells me that she needs to get things straight and she wants us to sign a contract. I tell her that she will not add insult to my injury. She is a bit shocked and says it has to be done and I say that if this is the way things work, then I'm not so sure I'm staying. She walks out for 3 seconds, comes back in, hugs me and says, "Why won't you come to me about all of this stuff?" I start to get emotional in front of my class. I tell her I refuse to be a tattle-tale or a victim and then I tell her I can't do this now when my babies will be upset by it. I let her know that I did email her because I felt like I had to protect myself and that I must have been right since they ran to her. When my students all leave, G. comes in and I tell her how tired I am of all this. I tell her I was trying to do this as biblically as possible. I knew I couldn't go to her, so I went to her friend. I wasn't trying to get anyone in serious trouble, but I was trying to draw a line. I told her I felt like them going to her was totally f'ed up. She told me that they were untrustworthy women, and they backstabbed each other all of the time. She said the librarian is so lazy that she needs the other one there to do everything - and she is a workhorse, I know that. We have a good heart to heart. She tells me that I don't have to meet with them. That she will meet with the other one alone tomorrow and the report will come from my point of view. She also tells me that she told her that her husband believes that Bob works somewhere else and is scared to have him find out different. I'm sure this is a lie, but I'm not sure what her goal is, yet.
Friday the librarian is gone. G. comes in the morning to see how I'm doing. She comes down to library to make sure nothing happens while I check a book out. In the afternoon a few people invite us to go out for a drink after work. We get there and guess who is there? And one of only 3 people at the time... It's a bit uncomfortable, but mostly when her 16 year old shows up for a little while. She keeps telling everyone that she is leaving. Pretty soon it looks like she does and then the waitress comes over and tells 3 other teachers that the other lady would like them to join her in the bar area! Unbelievable! We go over to another teacher's house for a little while and come home.
My Honey and I go to bed, things get intimate, I have an insecure moment and start asking him about the last time I went to MI. Instead of being understanding, he lets me know that I have embarrassed him and ruined the evening. He says that he knows it is his fault, but that he doesn't want to do "this." I tell him that I'm feeling really insecure, but he's upset and turns away from me and goes to sleep. I fall asleep after awhile, but then I wake up at 2. I lay in bed, all of the negative stuff going through my head. A little after 4 I decide to go up to the school to get my plans for the week finished. I ask him for his code to get into the school. He tells me he'll talk. Basically I tell him I'm tired of sitting in the junk of his selfishness until he feels guilty enough to talk to me or until I've explained how incredibly wrong he is and how alone I feel EVERY time this shit happens. He apologizes and tells me AGAIN how he doesn't seem to make the right choices. He knows how hard that must be for me, etc. etc. Saying the words that take responsibility, but not really taking any. Telling me he doesn't want me to be so unhappy - like he's helpless to change anything. Like he's sacrificing by telling me that he understands that I can't stay in this marriage. I think I truly hate him when he gives me that bullshit. It disgusts me on a level I can't describe. If you love something, set it free... such bullshit... So, I told him I'd go and see an attorney next week. He then asked me if this was what I really wanted. NO, what I really want is for you to see my pain - especially when you caused it - and put my needs before your selfish desires. But, that apparently isn't going to happen. Because really, if it hasn't by now, after all of the crap we've been through, I'm not really expecting improvement.
I've been pondering this all morning. I'm all about grace. But I put up with so much for so long that now I get stuck in this place of not settling or putting up with what I did before in the name of grace, in the name of not expecting perfection, in the name of being thankful for what I did have, etc. I want to find the place where I have healthy boundaries. You know that place where you extend grace, you receive grace and you're not a doormat?... Is there such a place? Are f'ed up people like me able to find it? Will I even know it when I get there?