Little Men...

Sometimes when I'm feeling like I'm pretty far down "Recovery Road" something happens that sends me back several miles and I'm not even sure that I'm on the right street anymore. After C had his "parellel" experience with his girlfriend and his teenage "affair," I over-reacted a bit. In some ways it was a good thing. We cut through a lot of bullshit and it caused C to own what he had done. He really took responsibility for how he dishonored both girls and he seemed to really value the grace M showed him. He started to develop a relationship with God for the first time, and that was a gift! They have a very nice relationship. It's a little serious and a bit too exclusive, for their ages, but they seem to be working on that. Suddenly, C comes to me and tells me he thinks he wants to break up with M. He gives me all of these altruistic, noble reasons, to which I say, "BS, now be honest with me and yourself about the whys of this." We talk, he admits he wants to just be one of the guys, he feels a bit jealous of her friendships, his siblings' friendships, etc. As we talk, I feel myself get REALLY emotional, like this is happening to me! What the heck is wrong with me? I have been dreading the day M breaks up with him, assuming because she is almost 2 years older, it will happen that way and now all I can do is feel like I'm the girl getting dumped by this selfish young man that wants to be able to notice other pretty girls, etc. What he wants and feels is perfectly normal. He isn't even quite 15 years old, yet, for heaven's sake!
I feel stuck between making him take responsibility for the real reasons he wants this and understanding that he shouldn't stay in a relationship that has gotten way too serious way too fast when he is way too young. I don't object to him breaking things off, I just want to make sure he handles it like a caring human being and doesn't try to pretend he is doing this for her. I just want him to treat her with honor and honesty. I know it will be very difficult, but at least God will bless it if he's true to Him, himself, and M.
I am so glad my kids come to me about these things, but sometimes now I feel so fragile myself, I don't know if they should listen to a word I say... So, I told him we both need to pray about this and let Him show us over time what the best thing to do is and how best to do it. This parenting thing is hard work...

Wow... It's been a really long time!

I miss writing... more than I can say... I have a full time job now. I'm teaching kindergarten, two doors down from my hubby, down the hall from her... The job came just as we were trying to figure out how to keep a roof over our kids heads and a month after I asked my Honey to turn down a job that would've gotten him out of this school system and away from her. God told me to. I wasn't happy about it - AT ALL - but I submitted. Completely at a loss about the why of it, but I felt peace, aside from a little bit of stomping my feet and telling Him I'd been through enough already, so I cautiously followed His lead. My Honey thought I was downright insane and I think he was even a little bit miffed, but we talk now - like really talk, so he was in complete agreement when he heard my heart - especially since he knows how difficult it is for me to trust and follow God.

A week or so later a position opened up at a different school in our hometown that my Honey was perfectly qualified for. We got so excited. We were sure that God was opening doors and offering me some mercy. Then we found out that a young woman just out of college was already hired and that most of the administration had been told about my husband's "mistakes" last year. This all happened two days before my interview to substitute teach. So, in my interview I was asked, point-blank, if I thought I could behave professionally if I worked in the same building as her. Somehow God gave my the strength to not even tear up or let my lip quiver and I responded so well that his response was, "Touche' Mrs. O., touche.'" He then asked why I didn't teach full time because he was so impressed with my college transcript and my letters of rec. That part felt great! I walked out of that interview, got into my car, completely broke down, drove home, told my Honey how angry I was with him. He told me how much he loved me, how sorry he is, how proud he is of me and then I told him how God took care of me during the whole thing. Grace is such a gorgeous gift...

I then subbed for 4 days. The principal kept dropping in on me. I started to get nervous, but on the 3rd day, she walked in and asked why I wasn't teaching full time when it was SO obvious that I was meant to do it?! I told her I was thinking about teaching the following year when Hannah has her license, etc. She called me the following evening and asked if I would take a full time position the following day... Hmmm...

We're pretty sure God orchestrated all of this. I'm not saying it isn't a major pain in the ass to have to deal with her bipolar self every flippin' day, but I kind of feel like God has put my healing into 4th gear. It's been especially painful and accelerated. I still can't say I understand why he has this phenomenally intimate relationship with Jesus when he was a pretty crappy dad and husband for 19 years and was one of the most narcissistic people I've ever known, while I feel unsure of God's love and sometimes even His reality after I felt SO close to Him for such a long time. I know I have entitlement issues. I also know that if I pretend to feel any other way, I won't really heal and I won't show my kids the truth. He has gone through this with me and He has given me a husband that I only dreamed of. He has made him into a father for our children that I respect and want to follow, but there is still this part of me that can't believe this happened to me, to all of us. I am so humiliated, ashamed and even indignant about this. I was a great wife. I REALLY tried to follow God in my marriage and in my parenting. I can't believe this was the only way to bring him to YOU! Sometimes it sucks being a God follower! I know this was about him, but the world and she doesn't know that. Sometimes it gets exhausting holding my head up and being strong. I guess it's a good thing You're going through this with me... I couldn't do it on my own. I know that...

We've worked really hard this past 15 months to get to this beautiful place. I've forgiven him because You've helped me do that. You've brought other couples into our lives that we've helped. I can't believe THIS is how we're being used...

I'm choosing to forgive her. I know it's not really an option if I want to follow You. I have SUCH a long way to go... satan still has a piece of my heart and I want to take it back and give it to You, but I'm not there, yet. Sometimes it frightens me how much I loathe her... I mean she used my belief in You to get close to me, to hurt me, to try to take my life... Other times it amazes me that I choose to bless her and even empathize with her life... I know those times are because of You.

I really miss writing. Working full time, being a mom, a wife, and a friend takes a lot of my time. It's easy to let time pass and ignore the thing that feeds my soul. One of the lessons I learned through all of this pain was that I spent the past 20 years hiding behind being a good wife and a good mom so that I didn't have to take chances and put my self out there, so Lord, please help me to become who and what You want me to be. Don't let this blessing get in the way of that. Help me to find You again, in me... please.

Revenge is mine sayeth The Lord...

Sometimes I want revenge so badly that I obsess over it. I have never felt like this before about someone. I know I'll never do anything about it. There are several reasons for this and most of them don't really help me much, nor are they terribly noble...

It's just wrong and I won't lower myself to that person's level.

I could cause a LOT of embarrassment for myself and my entire family if I was caught - especially if I had to go to jail!

I could cost my family a bunch of money that we simply don't have.

How would I look myself in the mirror?

Lord knows I already have a terrible time sleeping at night.

The one reason that I seem to come to most slowly (yes, I'm embarrassed to admit this) is that it isn't mine to avenge. It's God's to work through. That is the only reason that stops me in my tracks for any amount of time and gives me peace when I'm hurting and obsessing the most. I think I need to write it on my hand, because in my pain it's hard to remember this simple truth.

I'm waiting for some kind of justice - Tricia's idea of justice - and that's just ridiculous... I know - in my head, but my heart isn't always there... but it's there more than it used to be - So, that's good, right? The truth is, I have no idea how He is working in that person's life, but I trust that He's doing it in a MUCH better way than I can even begin to comprehend. I'm in awe of Grace - as a gift from Our Father... but I have this twisted idea that this person is only supposed to get it when s/he earns it - and what does THAT look like???... I must drive God crazy sometimes. I'm glad I'm not my kid!

Resting in His Grace and Trusting in His Plan are the ultimate in Joy and yet, I feel it slip through my slimy, self-righteous fingers more times than I care to admit!

Repeat after me: It's God's to work through...

and He will.

Mother's Day was so wonderful...

I finished writing my final exams for Monday after being served a yummy breakfast in bed - which was moved to the kitchen - of french toast with powdered sugar and LOTS of butter, eggs, cranberry juice and chai latte! It was mmmmmm..... I also got the MOST beautiful handmade card made with love!!

Writing the exams took MUCH longer than I thought they would, but I was very happy with the end result! We missed church, which made me pretty upset. When I was done, Bob said he was taking us out for dinner - any place I wanted to go... Well, that's pretty much a lose-lose, because I am just about the most indecisive person on Earth when it comes to what restaurant and then what item on the menu! It's ridiculous, I'm telling you. But we just drove... I asked Bob to go down Lamar, because I just knew something would hit me! And just about the time the kids were getting really frustrated with not knowing where we were going, IT HIT ME!!!

So, we went to Shady Grove on Barton Springs Road. I remembered that Rachael Ray went there on the show about Austin before we moved here and it was one of the few places on that list we hadn't hit, yet. Bob and I found the list in Aaron's chicken-scratch from over 3 years ago last week, so it was on my mind...

It was such a beautiful evening - after I laid into one of my kids for making fun of a certain group of people with tears in my eyes. The food is soooo cheap and good and very "austin" and yummy... The "Shady Thang" was a super delish drink and I enjoyed every sip of BOTH of them! After dinner Scott met us and we all walked around Austin and I wished we didn't have to go to work the next morning and that the night would never end...

The Wonder of It All...

Is it May, already? In so many ways we have come so far… but when a bad day hits, it is like being thrown into the eye of a tornado – for both of us! I went to the hotel and looked at a room there. Not sure that was a good idea, but it was driving me slightly bonkers wondering, picturing…


I’m not sure how I’ll ever get completely past that part. Knowing that he chose to get in his car and follow her there and betray me is so hard to get my head around… my heart around. Am I still in denial after 7 months?…

He is completely devoted to me – in ways he NEVER has been before and he was pretty devoted before we moved here. I feel more secure in some ways than I ever have and then I hear this insecure voice tell me I must be insane to continue in this marriage. If he could do it once after all we’ve been through together, then surely he could do it again… but the changes I’m seeing in him could only be the result of complete submission to God. He is becoming the husband I have longed for. He is becoming the father I have prayed for our children to have. When he looks at me, I can see the kind of love that God places in our hearts, that isn’t easily betrayed or forsaken.

He is my best friend. I have more fun with him than I have ever had with anyone. We could talk for days – non-stop – with an occasional food and bathroom break. He has become a man of integrity. When we disagree, he doesn’t give in to me and he doesn’t bully me. He simply stands his ground and explains, in love, why he believes what he believes. I just want to follow him anywhere when he does that…

He was baptized a few weeks ago. It was really beautiful. How can a man be stronger and more vulnerable all at the same time? The wonder of God…

I don’t feel so angry. I keep asking God to take away this “It’s not fair, foot-stomping” attitude I’ve got bubbling under the surface. He’s helping me immensely. I don’t know how I could do this without Him. I can’t believe how blessed I feel in this journey. It just doesn’t make any sense.

I just hadn't written in a really long time and thought I would stop by to say, "Hi." So much has happened...

I'm not who I was before. I miss her a little, but mostly I'm trusting Him that I'll like this me better than the old one...

God is good...

I'll just have to wait, trust and see...

Here's the thing...

Here's the thing... I really don't mind if someone reads my posts if they have a blog that is public, also or if they identify themselves. I'm not okay with someone from the Grand Blanc area lurking, almost daily, around my blog and never identifying themselves. I have a site meter and it is a bit disturbing how many times this person comes to my site...
I'm deciding whether it's worth the trouble to investigate further - I don't want to get all wrapped up in this and I don't want to find out it's someone from NCC who won't just say "Hey" for some reason. So, just do me the courtesy of not lurking or say, "Hey" - okay?

The confession... Part Deux

I have to confess and ask for Your help… Again… I can’t get past this boulder in my path. I don’t know if I’m chipping away at it, bit by bit, or if I’m supposed to have an epiphanal moment and go from there, full of understanding and joy.

Help me get past this feeling of entitlement. I believe You should’ve protected me and prevented this betrayal. I believe You don’t love me so much because You could’ve stopped this or at least shown me, so I could’ve stopped it sooner. I was a very good wife. I tried so hard to follow Your lead and become the wife you called me to be and yet, You never opened his eyes to who I really was while satan was helping him see me in such an awful light.

He was behaving in such a selfish way and almost destroyed me and our kids’ lives, yet here he is, happier than ever, while I feel insecure about every aspect of my self and our life together. He feels closer to You than he ever has and I feel like I’m not even sure if You exist sometimes. I am SO angry and I know it all makes sense to You and I know I sound like Veruca, from Willie Wonka,”I want it NOW, Daddy!,” but the truth is, I can’t seem to get past this without Your help and I don’t sense Your presence. I need You to please work through this with me and please don’t take anything else away from me while I’m trying (once again) to find my way back to You. I need my Abba Father. I need You to move the boulder and help me to move toward You with outstretched arms. I don’t know how I can move ahead in any area of my life until I make some progress with You. It's just been so long and I don't trust anyone.  What do I do with that?... 

the confession...

Dear Lord,

Here's my confession... Here's my struggle... I was the "good" one. I tried very hard encouraging him develop a relationship with You and I tried so hard to be the wife you called me to be and still You allowed him to betray me like that with her.

I want to make sense of it all. I want to understand why You allowed me to be kicked publicly by the person I most treasure in this world while I was down and reaching for You.

I understand You are God. I know You've done SO much for me. I'm sure I sound arrogant. I just need to work through this with You. I want my relationship with You to be restored. I hope You'll help me. I'm kind of counting on it...

You'll Aways Be My Babies...

I know it is such a cliche', but seriously, "Where did the time go?" I remember when I was pregnant with these young men. I had complete placenta previa. I was on total bedrest at home (with a 14 month old, by the way!) for about six weeks and then I passed a blood clot the size of a softball, so Bob rushed me to Hurley and I spent the next two months in a hospital bed. It was a huge time of growth for me with God. There was a problem with Caleb almost every other day. He never moved much - which is funny, if you know him now! I got to a point where I really thought he wasn't going to make it and I'd never get to know him here on Earth. I remember praying that God would see me through and use our tragedy for His glory. I wish I could hold on to that kind of faith all of the time....

I had to have an ultrasound every other day and sometime more often. Aaron would always be looking right at the camera! He was all eyes! He's still like that. He loves to have as much attention as possible. His love language is "words of affirmation" and you'd know that after spending 20 minutes with him. When he was pulled out of me during the emergency "c" section, he was biting on the umbilical cord. Bob just loves to tell that story.

My Caleb was all curled up and not breathing. They wouldn't let Bob see him because they had to rush him to the NICU. They lost me in the middle of the delivery because I had bled so much. This is what can happen with previa and I found out years later, I have extremely thin blood, so the odds were against me. They kept Bob out of the room until I was stable again and didn't tell us until the boys were taken down to the NICU. He stayed to reassure me for just a minute before going to be with Caleb and then I saw he was done for. I told the nurses and doctors in the delivery room that he was about to pass out and he said he was fine just before they got the chair behind him and he went DOWN!! Still, minutes later, he was on his way to be with Caleb and bring me back a report and some video.

I wasn't allowed to see either of the boys until I could walk on my own down to the NICU. I know that they were trying to inspire me to get up and heal, but honestly, holding my premature twin boys for ransom was just plain cruel. They found me on my hard, cold hospital room floor three times in the next 24 hours. I had tried to go see them and passed out every time! Finally, the next day my honey walked me down there and I couldn't get over how sweet my little frogs were. I wasn't used to having skinny babies!! Caleb was breathing on his own after 4 days, Aaron after one. They were so weak that we had to gavage (tube) feed them my pumped milk. It was awful to watch. Bob and I would spend all of our time trying to bond with the boys in this sterile enviroment. The nurses were wonderful, for the most part, but every once in a while one of them would start telling us all of the things that go wrong with premies. On the 5th day they sent me home without my babies. It was one of the worst days of my life. I didn't know how to feel. I hadn't been home in 2 1/2 months, Bob and the kids had been staying with my parents (45 minutes from the hospital), and I had lost so much blood, I looked and felt like death. Making the trek back and forth for the next 3 days was rough on all of us. On the 8th day they came and told us one of the boys could go home with us. We were sure it was Aaron, but they had found a "brain bleed" on Aaron's brain and it was Caleb they were sending home with us. The following day they told us we could take Aaron home only for the weekend (because we had so many kids and so much experience, they said it was okay - HA!!). I still remember Hannah was so excited each evening when we brought home new babies two nights in a row and on the third night she asked, "Where are the more babies, Mommy?" You gotta love that girl! Our church was asked to pray that his bleed would heal so we could keep him home and he wouldn't have developmental problems. On Monday his CAT Scan showed NO bleed at all. It had closed completely!

Both of our boys are miracles. Everytime I sing "Shout To The Lord," the line "I sing for joy at the work of Your hands" makes me think of what God did for us. What a miracle He did right in front of our eyes. Did I tell you that I had a amnio the day before I had them and the results showed that they probably wouldn't make it if they were born then?

They are smart, healthy, kind boys. I also happen to think they are the 2 of the 4 most handsome young men in the entire universe. I'm so glad God chose to bless us with Caleb and Aaron on February 1st in 1995.

Their voices are changing... I love that and I hate that. They seem so grown up when that happens. They are just about to pass me up in height. There is something comforting in having your "big" son hug you, but sad that you can't pull him up into your lap and make everything okay anymore. I want them to be good men. I want them to respect themselves, their friends and the women they like/love. I pray they become all that God sees in them. I want them to live and love with abandon and to get hurt as little as possible... I'm their mom, I'm allowed to wish for that...

My Heart, Set Free

"In the process of forgiving, tiny little drops of understanding and even compassion come your way. Take them. They are God's way of letting you off the hook. Some of the conclusions we come to in the pain of being wronged are simply not accurate. Perhaps in seeing the other person's sin and weakness clearly, with some measure of empathy, God is whispering in your ear: "You really are not the unwanted... unloved... unvalued woman you thought you were." Paula Rinehart in Strong Women, Soft Hearts

This spoke to my heart in such a powerful way. It's funny to me (not in a "ha-ha" sort of way, but in a "curious and amazing" sort of way) that I just blogged about how much I struggle with thinking I have any value and then I start reading this book and He tells me just what I need to hear and KNOW.

I want to be who He wants me to be and I can't be that unless I quit trying to do the stuff He's supposed to do and start doing the things He leads me to do. I also can't forgive people until I see them as having insecurities and hurts instead of simply mean.

It kind of feels like I'm growing up all over again.

I hope we do it better this time!

Parched and Barren

I'm struggling, again, with my depression. I don't know how to just shake it and I'm afraid to just give in to it. The smallest decisions are overwhelming me. My beautiful twins are going to be 14 this weekend and I'm struggling to muster up... anything...

The black just overtakes sometimes and nothing feels like I know it anymore. I can't remember how to just be happy. It's too hard to find the joy in the simple things I found joy in just three days ago. How does this happen to me? How do I crawl out of this pit, yet again?

How do I find my self again? It's all too overwhelming. I feel so guilty that I waste days feeling like this when there is so much to be grateful for. People are counting on me, so I try to do what must be done, but I'm not really there and it just exhausts me.

Lord, please rescue me from this desert.

Confessions of a Martyr...

Girlfriends are SO important. There are so few women who get this, or at least very few who honor it. We tend to have our little circle of friends and then throw other women right under the bus when push comes to shove or when a good gossip session comes along or anything equally important. Sometimes, we even throw the women closest to us under that bus! It's a sisterhood that can make or break us.

I have some friends who are very important to me. I haven't told them HOW important they are or how much I need them because I'm afraid of being inconvenient or a burden. If I'm completely honest, I'm really terrified that they will turn tail and run or just not honor my need for them if I express it. I mean, what do you do if you tell your friend how much you need them during this season of your life and they don't respond in love? If you constantly tell people that you understand that they can't be there for you or offer their time, etc. and then they don't, you can tell yourself that it's because you told them not to. RIGHT?? You don't have to risk your heart.

And a little piece of you dies because you have another confirmation that you aren't loveable if you're not "on" and satan revels in the moment. Sure, people tell you how strong you are and how supportive you are, blah, blah, blah... But, you aren't being honest. You aren't letting yourself be known. This martyr crap is for the birds. Besides, what are you teaching your children? I see mine creating the same kind of relationship/martyr crud I've modeled for them and I am so NOT okay with that! What are you saying about your friends' character? Who do you think you are that you are supposed to put on a strong, pleasant smile, say everything is okay when it isn't, counsel her about her troubles, and then resent that nobody ever helps you through your crap?

I'm going to tell my friend that I need her. Because I really do. She may not be able to come out here and see me, but I'm not going to pretend I am not disappointed. I do understand if she can't do it (her hubby is laid off and MI's economy is bad right now), but I want her to make the decision because she has all of the facts. I want to honor our friendship because it's honorable and she deserves the truth. I can handle her decision either way, but I can see now that it's not a rejection of me. I know she loves me - even the really ugly me.

My counselor says that I need to start asking for the things I really want. She says I need to pray about what that is because I've forgotten along the way and I don't even know what I really want right now. I want my friends to know the real me. I want to tell the few women who have shown me honor and love that I value them and that they've made a difference in my life. I want my daughter to learn to honor other women and not engage in the catty, bitchy insecure stuff so many of us are drawn into. I want my sons to see women as strong, loving, intelligent human beings with real feelings and needs. I want my husband and my children to see the REAL me, even in this brokeness. I feel a little like I'm stepping out onto the water. I know my feet are going to get a little wet, but my faith is growing. I don't want to be afraid and never really know. I want to know - taking joy in the good things that come of that and experience giving and accepting grace in the "bad" of it.

His Ways...

Big question of the day: Can I really trust God if I don't fully believe He loves me?

Nope, and therein lies the problem. My big, bad wolf is that I don't believe anyone can love me unconditionally - even the Big Guy. Deep down I have always believed that I'm not worth loving that way. The thing is, is that to trust someone kind of requires that you need some proof, and proof only comes when you go through junk together. And sometimes when you go through the junk, the way you go through it or come out of it, isn't the way it happens in the movies.

His ways are not mine.
I know that sounds cliche', but it's still true.

I understand that sometimes terrible accidents happen, cancer or other terrible illnesses strike, financial junk, etc., but what about when all of the people you've come to trust and depend upon choose to pull away just when you need them most? What about being the "strong" one that everyone leaned on and when, for the first time in your life, you need to do the leaning, your inner circle disintegrates? What do you do when the person closest to you steals your reality when you are at your lowest point? What about when you cry out to God and beg Him to be real to you and help you through this awful extended darkness and you hear nothing... for years? What about when you start to "feel" Him again and things are getting so great and then you find out you were right... No one can really love you sacrificially? Do you fold? Do you try to trust Him after He just let all this horrible shit happen to you? Can you believe He loves you?

His ways are not my ways.
Sometimes the most painful experiences are the only things that create trust and force us to accept His love.

I used to be really irritated by this woman who lived in my old neighborhood, went to our old church and had a son who was friends with my twins. She never did anything with abandon. She was kind of a Stepford wife, you know? She got a new car every other year and she alternated between white and tan. Her house was all painted beige. She never risked anything. She always seemed a little afraid of everything. She would ask our mutual (seeking) friends what their doctrine was and junk like that when they didn't even know if they wanted to visit a church or not and probably didn't know or care what doctrine was. She drove me crazy! I remember wondering why everywhere I lived or spent time, God always placed one of "those" people in my path.

We are all one of "those" people to some extent. Some of us just hide it better than others, some don't hide it at all, some don't even realize there is a problem, nor do they want to. Some of us have looked the things we fear the most, right in the eye, and survived because of His love and we just trust Him a little more than we used to.
I had gotten so good at believing my life was so good, especially compared to what it was before I was a believer, that I was afraid to not be grateful enough or to appear to be less than a "good christian" wife, mother, daughter, woman, etc. I was especially careful to make it all look good to my "unbelieving family members" and anyone in any of the christian groups I led. Besides if I let down my guard, they would probably reject me and I'd have to face that they didn't love me if I wasn't "on". I told myself that it was all okay and God would probably even bless it because I was trying to make Him look good. If my life wasn't full of love and patience, then what would people think of Jesus, since I was always giving Him all the glory? I didn't trust Him to love me just as I was. I didn't trust anyone to love me just as I was and after almost 20 years of that I was SO Fk'ing tired that I couldn't just fall back into His arms. I didn't know how to fall back. I was too busy trying to hold up the wall I had constructed. Why did I do that? How do I make sense of the past 20 years of my life? So much of it was a lie. So much of it was beige...
I feel like I'm waking from a dream. I'm ready to be who He wants me to be, and not because I'm so strong or wise now, but because I'm too tired to go back to the old way and I refuse to stand in bitterness and stagnation. He has something really awesome in store for my life and I am terrified and excited all at once. I am ready to take a baby step or two because I really want His way to be my way...

Kid, You Sing My Song...

The Captain and Tennille were adorable - but I never heard them sing. Hmmmm....

We were Alison Krause and her lead guitarist, Dan Tyminski. Bob thought it was high time I was in the limelight and he backed me up. Nobody got it, but we thought we were hilarious! Our kids were mildly disgusted with our mutual back patting and giggling over our ingenious costume idea!

Tina Turner (Cheryl) brought the house down - and back-up singers weren't too shabby, either

Mark's birthday party was a hoot! The costumes were big fun and the karaoke was sweet!!! Bonnie Raitt (Stacy) and Bob Marley (Clay) were cuddling up together. Stacy actually dyed her hair to look like Bonnie - now that's dedication!!

Liza Minelli (Ginny), Pat Benatar (Kelly) and Cyndi Lauper (Leslie) were all very sexy!

Our birthday boy, George Michaels (Mark) looked awesome and did a few nice duets with Willie (Trey).

Out with the old...

Okay, so 2008 was TRULY the WORST year of my life. Like in '94 my dad and two of my brothers were each in terrible accidents all in February and then I lost my dear, sweet, spicy Grandma in October and then I almost lost Caleb and Aaron and had to be on bedrest for 3 months and almost died giving birth, but THIS year made that seem like a cake walk!

I didn't think I would be able to hope ever again. I spent some time looking for a way to sleep permanently... I wanted to care how it would affect my kids, but I just couldn't. I prayed, but was convinced that God couldn't love me if He could allow me to be hurt so deeply after all the shit I had already been through and just when I was getting on my feet again. I still struggle a bit with that...

But it's 2009 and things are clearer. I've had to take a really good honest look at my life and see it for what it was. I'm still in a million pieces all over the place, but Bob says he'll help me pick up the pieces and a good friend reminded me today that some of those pieces weren't so great anyway and maybe I'm better off without them. That made me feel so much better.

I've decided that 2008 was just a chapter of my story, it doesn't define who I am and it sure as hell isn't the whole novel!

I'm trying to not be afraid of how well satan knows me and figured out how to attack me and the people I love the most in this world. I'm going to try and remember that, in the long run, this has been a blessing. Not the road I would've chosen, for sure, but maybe the only way to really prune me closer to what God sees in me. Humility is a beautiful bitter pill...