What IS my bottom line?...

So....
Just before Christmas the 3rd grade bilingual teacher left - a whole other ridiculous story I should not get into. A new young, sharp woman without a teaching degree, but with a degree in Spanish was hired after two other people turned the job down. Now she's anglo, looks like a younger, more stylish version of me, so I tell my husband that I feel really threatened by her - especially because she's in the bilingual dept. with him and I know the other Mexican women will chew her up and spit her out, so he will feel protective. We are both like this, but we can't afford to be anymore, because all we can do is protect ourselves while I heal. He tells me he won't even talk to her unless it absolutely necessary and completely work related.
So, a few weeks ago they have a bilingual meeting and he reports to me that she asked him one question and he answered it very business-like and that was all there was to it. Then they had another bilingual meeting this past Monday. He told me a story about how he talked with the other teachers and aides at the meeting, but never mentioned her.
Wednesday evening we sat on the couch together and he said he wanted to check his email. As soon as he opened it, there was a reply email from the new teacher. The subject line said something about an mp3 of one of his songs. He immediately started down-playing the email. I stood up and started screaming (with my daughter in the room, btw), "Are you fucking kidding me?" He tries to explain through my ranting that she asked to hear one of his recordings after the other bilingual staff introduced him as the resident musician and so he told her he would send her one.
I storm off to the bedroom and he follows. He keeps trying to justify why it wasn't anything. He says he should've been more sensitive. He says she means nothing to him and I scream how little I care about that. Our kids hear everything through the walls, the ceiling, the vents... I am SO fucking mad that at one point I tell him how much I want to hurt him. I tell him that at this point I want a divorce. That I can't imagine sweeping this under the rug and setting that example for our daughter.
He tries to talk to H and each time he minimizes his role in the whole thing, she completely throws it back in his lap and tells him to man up and take responsibility for his actions. He tries to explain things to me again and I just keep explaining to him how ridiculous his reasoning is.
I realize how much I've changed this past 16 months. I am not blaming myself or trying to figure out where I am lacking. I completely get that he has a problem. I also totally see that this is how the other started. He wasn't interested in her for any other reason than she told him how great she thought he was all of the time. When they all started talking about him being an awesome singer/musician, he saw the chance of getting a little of his drug of choice - her compliments - and he chose to throw me and my transparent fear under the bus. He understood how much pain it would cause me and still he took the chance.
Now, I know there are people who think this is a minor infraction. The other 500-plus times this happened, pre-betrayal, I would've (and did) agree with that determination. It is so abundantly clear to me that my husband is truly a bottomless well and he will do whatever he has to to feel full for the 40.2 seconds a compliment lasts. I have run interference all of our marriage because this is a familiar dance. When I couldn't emotionally be on my toes, the wrong person stepped into the picture and my weak husband chose to be led to the slaughter. I refuse to run interference any longer. It got old a LONG, LONG time ago. He doesn't feel safe anymore. I don't really want to invest anymore into this marriage only to find out that he'll repeat this in another year or two. I can see that he is hugely remorseful. He has taken responsibility for hiding it from me and knowing that he made that choice because he justified how strong I am now and that he knew she doesn't mean anything to him.
I have never been as happy and felt as loved as I have this past year - I know that sounds crazy considering that this was all a result of the worst betrayal I've ever experienced. I have no doubt that he is madly in love with me in ways he never has been before. I know he isn't attracted to her. I know he had no motive other than receiving praise for his talents.
I feel like I am suffering from split personality disorder. I cannot imagine divorcing this man. I love him deeply, completely, humbly. He is my best friend, my partner, my confidant, the father of my children, my memory sharer, my future co-conspirator, my hero, my comedian. When I think of telling him about how insecure I felt about her after he betrayed me and that weeks later he secretly sent her a copy of his song for her approval, I feel like I can't spend one more minute in this marriage.
The irony is that he is my best friend. This means that I feel completely alone right now. Our kids are reasonably messed up. I was sure H. would tell me to leave him. She thinks I should take some time, see our marriage counselor, and consider giving him another chance. The boys agree. I want to do what is right for as many people as possible. I am trying to decide what my bottom line is...
I wish more than anything, right now, that I would stop trying to fix this as fast as possible and that I could just be prayerful and wait on Him.
I told B. the day before this happened that I finally knew how much he loved me and that I knew he would pick me. Then that afternoon, as I drove to get our lunch, I prayed that God would help me to not be so hard on B and not let my need to know that he was sorry (and have that lead to reassurance that he would honor me) lead to me dissing him and God in bitterness. I told God that I wanted to be close to Him again and that I wanted to truly be authentic. I feel so foolish. I'm trying to not be pissed at God. It really does feel like every time I start to stand up, I am KNOCKED right on my ass. I know that satan has a hand in this. Bob has really been growing close to God. He realized a few weeks ago that he had let his relationship go a bit and he had really been spending time with Him again. But it feels like ultimately my husband chose to discard my fragile emotional state for a compliment.
Where does that fall in the "bottom-line" area?

Little Men...

Sometimes when I'm feeling like I'm pretty far down "Recovery Road" something happens that sends me back several miles and I'm not even sure that I'm on the right street anymore. After C had his "parellel" experience with his girlfriend and his teenage "affair," I over-reacted a bit. In some ways it was a good thing. We cut through a lot of bullshit and it caused C to own what he had done. He really took responsibility for how he dishonored both girls and he seemed to really value the grace M showed him. He started to develop a relationship with God for the first time, and that was a gift! They have a very nice relationship. It's a little serious and a bit too exclusive, for their ages, but they seem to be working on that. Suddenly, C comes to me and tells me he thinks he wants to break up with M. He gives me all of these altruistic, noble reasons, to which I say, "BS, now be honest with me and yourself about the whys of this." We talk, he admits he wants to just be one of the guys, he feels a bit jealous of her friendships, his siblings' friendships, etc. As we talk, I feel myself get REALLY emotional, like this is happening to me! What the heck is wrong with me? I have been dreading the day M breaks up with him, assuming because she is almost 2 years older, it will happen that way and now all I can do is feel like I'm the girl getting dumped by this selfish young man that wants to be able to notice other pretty girls, etc. What he wants and feels is perfectly normal. He isn't even quite 15 years old, yet, for heaven's sake!
I feel stuck between making him take responsibility for the real reasons he wants this and understanding that he shouldn't stay in a relationship that has gotten way too serious way too fast when he is way too young. I don't object to him breaking things off, I just want to make sure he handles it like a caring human being and doesn't try to pretend he is doing this for her. I just want him to treat her with honor and honesty. I know it will be very difficult, but at least God will bless it if he's true to Him, himself, and M.
I am so glad my kids come to me about these things, but sometimes now I feel so fragile myself, I don't know if they should listen to a word I say... So, I told him we both need to pray about this and let Him show us over time what the best thing to do is and how best to do it. This parenting thing is hard work...

Wow... It's been a really long time!

I miss writing... more than I can say... I have a full time job now. I'm teaching kindergarten, two doors down from my hubby, down the hall from her... The job came just as we were trying to figure out how to keep a roof over our kids heads and a month after I asked my Honey to turn down a job that would've gotten him out of this school system and away from her. God told me to. I wasn't happy about it - AT ALL - but I submitted. Completely at a loss about the why of it, but I felt peace, aside from a little bit of stomping my feet and telling Him I'd been through enough already, so I cautiously followed His lead. My Honey thought I was downright insane and I think he was even a little bit miffed, but we talk now - like really talk, so he was in complete agreement when he heard my heart - especially since he knows how difficult it is for me to trust and follow God.

A week or so later a position opened up at a different school in our hometown that my Honey was perfectly qualified for. We got so excited. We were sure that God was opening doors and offering me some mercy. Then we found out that a young woman just out of college was already hired and that most of the administration had been told about my husband's "mistakes" last year. This all happened two days before my interview to substitute teach. So, in my interview I was asked, point-blank, if I thought I could behave professionally if I worked in the same building as her. Somehow God gave my the strength to not even tear up or let my lip quiver and I responded so well that his response was, "Touche' Mrs. O., touche.'" He then asked why I didn't teach full time because he was so impressed with my college transcript and my letters of rec. That part felt great! I walked out of that interview, got into my car, completely broke down, drove home, told my Honey how angry I was with him. He told me how much he loved me, how sorry he is, how proud he is of me and then I told him how God took care of me during the whole thing. Grace is such a gorgeous gift...

I then subbed for 4 days. The principal kept dropping in on me. I started to get nervous, but on the 3rd day, she walked in and asked why I wasn't teaching full time when it was SO obvious that I was meant to do it?! I told her I was thinking about teaching the following year when Hannah has her license, etc. She called me the following evening and asked if I would take a full time position the following day... Hmmm...

We're pretty sure God orchestrated all of this. I'm not saying it isn't a major pain in the ass to have to deal with her bipolar self every flippin' day, but I kind of feel like God has put my healing into 4th gear. It's been especially painful and accelerated. I still can't say I understand why he has this phenomenally intimate relationship with Jesus when he was a pretty crappy dad and husband for 19 years and was one of the most narcissistic people I've ever known, while I feel unsure of God's love and sometimes even His reality after I felt SO close to Him for such a long time. I know I have entitlement issues. I also know that if I pretend to feel any other way, I won't really heal and I won't show my kids the truth. He has gone through this with me and He has given me a husband that I only dreamed of. He has made him into a father for our children that I respect and want to follow, but there is still this part of me that can't believe this happened to me, to all of us. I am so humiliated, ashamed and even indignant about this. I was a great wife. I REALLY tried to follow God in my marriage and in my parenting. I can't believe this was the only way to bring him to YOU! Sometimes it sucks being a God follower! I know this was about him, but the world and she doesn't know that. Sometimes it gets exhausting holding my head up and being strong. I guess it's a good thing You're going through this with me... I couldn't do it on my own. I know that...

We've worked really hard this past 15 months to get to this beautiful place. I've forgiven him because You've helped me do that. You've brought other couples into our lives that we've helped. I can't believe THIS is how we're being used...

I'm choosing to forgive her. I know it's not really an option if I want to follow You. I have SUCH a long way to go... satan still has a piece of my heart and I want to take it back and give it to You, but I'm not there, yet. Sometimes it frightens me how much I loathe her... I mean she used my belief in You to get close to me, to hurt me, to try to take my life... Other times it amazes me that I choose to bless her and even empathize with her life... I know those times are because of You.

I really miss writing. Working full time, being a mom, a wife, and a friend takes a lot of my time. It's easy to let time pass and ignore the thing that feeds my soul. One of the lessons I learned through all of this pain was that I spent the past 20 years hiding behind being a good wife and a good mom so that I didn't have to take chances and put my self out there, so Lord, please help me to become who and what You want me to be. Don't let this blessing get in the way of that. Help me to find You again, in me... please.

You'll Aways Be My Babies...

I know it is such a cliche', but seriously, "Where did the time go?" I remember when I was pregnant with these young men. I had complete placenta previa. I was on total bedrest at home (with a 14 month old, by the way!) for about six weeks and then I passed a blood clot the size of a softball, so Bob rushed me to Hurley and I spent the next two months in a hospital bed. It was a huge time of growth for me with God. There was a problem with Caleb almost every other day. He never moved much - which is funny, if you know him now! I got to a point where I really thought he wasn't going to make it and I'd never get to know him here on Earth. I remember praying that God would see me through and use our tragedy for His glory. I wish I could hold on to that kind of faith all of the time....

I had to have an ultrasound every other day and sometime more often. Aaron would always be looking right at the camera! He was all eyes! He's still like that. He loves to have as much attention as possible. His love language is "words of affirmation" and you'd know that after spending 20 minutes with him. When he was pulled out of me during the emergency "c" section, he was biting on the umbilical cord. Bob just loves to tell that story.

My Caleb was all curled up and not breathing. They wouldn't let Bob see him because they had to rush him to the NICU. They lost me in the middle of the delivery because I had bled so much. This is what can happen with previa and I found out years later, I have extremely thin blood, so the odds were against me. They kept Bob out of the room until I was stable again and didn't tell us until the boys were taken down to the NICU. He stayed to reassure me for just a minute before going to be with Caleb and then I saw he was done for. I told the nurses and doctors in the delivery room that he was about to pass out and he said he was fine just before they got the chair behind him and he went DOWN!! Still, minutes later, he was on his way to be with Caleb and bring me back a report and some video.

I wasn't allowed to see either of the boys until I could walk on my own down to the NICU. I know that they were trying to inspire me to get up and heal, but honestly, holding my premature twin boys for ransom was just plain cruel. They found me on my hard, cold hospital room floor three times in the next 24 hours. I had tried to go see them and passed out every time! Finally, the next day my honey walked me down there and I couldn't get over how sweet my little frogs were. I wasn't used to having skinny babies!! Caleb was breathing on his own after 4 days, Aaron after one. They were so weak that we had to gavage (tube) feed them my pumped milk. It was awful to watch. Bob and I would spend all of our time trying to bond with the boys in this sterile enviroment. The nurses were wonderful, for the most part, but every once in a while one of them would start telling us all of the things that go wrong with premies. On the 5th day they sent me home without my babies. It was one of the worst days of my life. I didn't know how to feel. I hadn't been home in 2 1/2 months, Bob and the kids had been staying with my parents (45 minutes from the hospital), and I had lost so much blood, I looked and felt like death. Making the trek back and forth for the next 3 days was rough on all of us. On the 8th day they came and told us one of the boys could go home with us. We were sure it was Aaron, but they had found a "brain bleed" on Aaron's brain and it was Caleb they were sending home with us. The following day they told us we could take Aaron home only for the weekend (because we had so many kids and so much experience, they said it was okay - HA!!). I still remember Hannah was so excited each evening when we brought home new babies two nights in a row and on the third night she asked, "Where are the more babies, Mommy?" You gotta love that girl! Our church was asked to pray that his bleed would heal so we could keep him home and he wouldn't have developmental problems. On Monday his CAT Scan showed NO bleed at all. It had closed completely!

Both of our boys are miracles. Everytime I sing "Shout To The Lord," the line "I sing for joy at the work of Your hands" makes me think of what God did for us. What a miracle He did right in front of our eyes. Did I tell you that I had a amnio the day before I had them and the results showed that they probably wouldn't make it if they were born then?

They are smart, healthy, kind boys. I also happen to think they are the 2 of the 4 most handsome young men in the entire universe. I'm so glad God chose to bless us with Caleb and Aaron on February 1st in 1995.

Their voices are changing... I love that and I hate that. They seem so grown up when that happens. They are just about to pass me up in height. There is something comforting in having your "big" son hug you, but sad that you can't pull him up into your lap and make everything okay anymore. I want them to be good men. I want them to respect themselves, their friends and the women they like/love. I pray they become all that God sees in them. I want them to live and love with abandon and to get hurt as little as possible... I'm their mom, I'm allowed to wish for that...

My Heart, Set Free

"In the process of forgiving, tiny little drops of understanding and even compassion come your way. Take them. They are God's way of letting you off the hook. Some of the conclusions we come to in the pain of being wronged are simply not accurate. Perhaps in seeing the other person's sin and weakness clearly, with some measure of empathy, God is whispering in your ear: "You really are not the unwanted... unloved... unvalued woman you thought you were." Paula Rinehart in Strong Women, Soft Hearts

This spoke to my heart in such a powerful way. It's funny to me (not in a "ha-ha" sort of way, but in a "curious and amazing" sort of way) that I just blogged about how much I struggle with thinking I have any value and then I start reading this book and He tells me just what I need to hear and KNOW.

I want to be who He wants me to be and I can't be that unless I quit trying to do the stuff He's supposed to do and start doing the things He leads me to do. I also can't forgive people until I see them as having insecurities and hurts instead of simply mean.

It kind of feels like I'm growing up all over again.

I hope we do it better this time!

His Ways...

Big question of the day: Can I really trust God if I don't fully believe He loves me?

Nope, and therein lies the problem. My big, bad wolf is that I don't believe anyone can love me unconditionally - even the Big Guy. Deep down I have always believed that I'm not worth loving that way. The thing is, is that to trust someone kind of requires that you need some proof, and proof only comes when you go through junk together. And sometimes when you go through the junk, the way you go through it or come out of it, isn't the way it happens in the movies.

His ways are not mine.
I know that sounds cliche', but it's still true.

I understand that sometimes terrible accidents happen, cancer or other terrible illnesses strike, financial junk, etc., but what about when all of the people you've come to trust and depend upon choose to pull away just when you need them most? What about being the "strong" one that everyone leaned on and when, for the first time in your life, you need to do the leaning, your inner circle disintegrates? What do you do when the person closest to you steals your reality when you are at your lowest point? What about when you cry out to God and beg Him to be real to you and help you through this awful extended darkness and you hear nothing... for years? What about when you start to "feel" Him again and things are getting so great and then you find out you were right... No one can really love you sacrificially? Do you fold? Do you try to trust Him after He just let all this horrible shit happen to you? Can you believe He loves you?

His ways are not my ways.
Sometimes the most painful experiences are the only things that create trust and force us to accept His love.

I used to be really irritated by this woman who lived in my old neighborhood, went to our old church and had a son who was friends with my twins. She never did anything with abandon. She was kind of a Stepford wife, you know? She got a new car every other year and she alternated between white and tan. Her house was all painted beige. She never risked anything. She always seemed a little afraid of everything. She would ask our mutual (seeking) friends what their doctrine was and junk like that when they didn't even know if they wanted to visit a church or not and probably didn't know or care what doctrine was. She drove me crazy! I remember wondering why everywhere I lived or spent time, God always placed one of "those" people in my path.

We are all one of "those" people to some extent. Some of us just hide it better than others, some don't hide it at all, some don't even realize there is a problem, nor do they want to. Some of us have looked the things we fear the most, right in the eye, and survived because of His love and we just trust Him a little more than we used to.
I had gotten so good at believing my life was so good, especially compared to what it was before I was a believer, that I was afraid to not be grateful enough or to appear to be less than a "good christian" wife, mother, daughter, woman, etc. I was especially careful to make it all look good to my "unbelieving family members" and anyone in any of the christian groups I led. Besides if I let down my guard, they would probably reject me and I'd have to face that they didn't love me if I wasn't "on". I told myself that it was all okay and God would probably even bless it because I was trying to make Him look good. If my life wasn't full of love and patience, then what would people think of Jesus, since I was always giving Him all the glory? I didn't trust Him to love me just as I was. I didn't trust anyone to love me just as I was and after almost 20 years of that I was SO Fk'ing tired that I couldn't just fall back into His arms. I didn't know how to fall back. I was too busy trying to hold up the wall I had constructed. Why did I do that? How do I make sense of the past 20 years of my life? So much of it was a lie. So much of it was beige...
I feel like I'm waking from a dream. I'm ready to be who He wants me to be, and not because I'm so strong or wise now, but because I'm too tired to go back to the old way and I refuse to stand in bitterness and stagnation. He has something really awesome in store for my life and I am terrified and excited all at once. I am ready to take a baby step or two because I really want His way to be my way...

Out with the old...

Okay, so 2008 was TRULY the WORST year of my life. Like in '94 my dad and two of my brothers were each in terrible accidents all in February and then I lost my dear, sweet, spicy Grandma in October and then I almost lost Caleb and Aaron and had to be on bedrest for 3 months and almost died giving birth, but THIS year made that seem like a cake walk!

I didn't think I would be able to hope ever again. I spent some time looking for a way to sleep permanently... I wanted to care how it would affect my kids, but I just couldn't. I prayed, but was convinced that God couldn't love me if He could allow me to be hurt so deeply after all the shit I had already been through and just when I was getting on my feet again. I still struggle a bit with that...

But it's 2009 and things are clearer. I've had to take a really good honest look at my life and see it for what it was. I'm still in a million pieces all over the place, but Bob says he'll help me pick up the pieces and a good friend reminded me today that some of those pieces weren't so great anyway and maybe I'm better off without them. That made me feel so much better.

I've decided that 2008 was just a chapter of my story, it doesn't define who I am and it sure as hell isn't the whole novel!

I'm trying to not be afraid of how well satan knows me and figured out how to attack me and the people I love the most in this world. I'm going to try and remember that, in the long run, this has been a blessing. Not the road I would've chosen, for sure, but maybe the only way to really prune me closer to what God sees in me. Humility is a beautiful bitter pill...

Broken...

How does God take all of your pain - and I mean the kind that makes you not want to go on, even when you think about your children - and suddenly take it away and replace it with deep abiding love? I mean I've been sitting in pain that was dibilitating for 2 1/2 years and I finally got back on my feet and He's been leading me along and then BAM!!!! Something happened that made the last two years look like a booger and I honestly didn't want to go on. I cried out to Him and told Him how mad I was at Him for allowing this to happen to me after everything else I've experienced. I'm telling you, I didn't think I was going to make it through. And then, as I had to face my worst fear, He lifted my pain, my fear and He gave me this joy, this love and this trust that I haven't experienced EVER. I feel like He woke me up! I remember who I am and I can even see my sin, my part in all of this. He's doing a huge work in me. I know the painful part isn't over, yet, but I'm seeing the fruit of what I've gone through this past few years and I'm growing a kind of faith that I've never had before. I can't get over how broken I am and how good it feels...

Epiphanies in the night

Epiphanies are good things. Sometimes they slowly sink in after the initial BAM!

I'm going to be okay. A huge part of my life is being turned upside down. I choose not to put it back on the shelf where it looks much better than it really is, but to let it fall and crash on the floor. Somebody else can pick it up. It's not really mine anyway.

Integrity is much more valuable than we so often recognize. I don't think we give it it's due. Being able to look yourself in the mirror and live with yourself without any regrets of motive is HUGE!!

I'm glad God still speaks to me. After the past couple of years, I wasn't so sure. I try to put Him in a human box, but His awesome love just won't fit there, and I am so thankful. He's giving me peace and reminding me that I have worth. I know I'll forget that over the next several months of this painful journey I'm about to go on, but He wants me to write this to remind myself not only that He really loves me and I'm worth something as His child, but to remind myself that He'll remind me when I need it again...

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. ~Bill Cosby, Fatherhood, 1986

I'm flying out in a couple weeks to Michigan. Scott is coming to Texas to live with us and I'm driving back with him. Yeah, I know I said I wouldn't make the drive again, but for him I will. I have such mixed feelings about it. Ultimately, I want him to move out here and meet the woman of his dreams, marry her and live reasonably close so that I can be a grandma to my grandbabies and have Scott in our lives on a daily basis. Until then, the day-to-day of him living with us again is a little exhausting! He and I have a not-so-healthy relationship sometimes. I tend to make everything okay for him and he tends to take advantage of it. We talked about that last week, really openly, and that makes me feel much better. He's also been living with his "father" for the past 2 years and I'm hoping that things have shifted some, but I know that it's awfully easy to slip into the old routine. I've asked some friends here to hold me accountable when they see me slipping. I hope they can do it and I hope I listen...

Scott called me today. He had a pretty big seizure this morning and when he fell out of bed, he hit his head on something and has a big knot on his forehead. The ironic thing is that he made an appointment with his neurologist this morning because he could tell his meds weren't working as well, and he had to miss it because he couldn't drive there and his "father" wouldn't take him. I hate that I'm not there when this junk happens. I hate that when I call to see how he's doing, his "father" tells me how lazy he is because he's been sleeping all day... He had a seizure. Seizures wipe you out. It's normal to sleep a lot the next day... UGGGHHHH!!!

Finding that place where I can be his mom and still let him grow up is so frickin' hard for me. I feel so protective of him, but sometimes that comes off as me not believing in him to him - at least subconsciously. Do you know how hard it is to worry every time your child gets in the shower that he could seize and fall and REALLY hurt himself? Or to watch him get in the car and wonder if you're going to get a call from the police or the hospital that he's had an accident and is hurt, hurt other people or worse? Or to not really sleep because every little sound could be him hitting the wall to let you know he's about to seize and he says he knows you're there when you come and it comforts him - and you have to get there before the other kids, because it's too much for them to witness? Or to look your child in the eyes and appear calm and confident, saying, "It's okay, I'm right here. You are breathing just fine. It's okay," while he seizes and inside you are really dying and wondering what you did to make him like this or how you can just make it STOP? It's exhausting. It's heart-breaking. It's our life, or at least a big part of it.

I so want my baby here with us. I just wish I could rest in God more. I can't find that place where I can relax. I know that sounds self-centered, but it overwhelms me sometimes. I wish I could be one of those really strong women that just makes everything okay. This thing is too big for me. I guess I have to let God be the one in control. I really hate that... I really love it, too. Being a mom is so hard. You just don't really know until you know, do you? I wouldn't trade it for the world!

Sunday Morning...

Well, it's Sunday morning and we're not going to church... again. I've decided that I can keep going through the motions because it's the right thing to do or I can relax a little and see where He leads me. Going to Doxology this past year was good in a lot of ways, but leaving was difficult for our kids and I can't keep doing that to them. And since I can't really seem to hear God right now, I don't want to head out the door without any instruction from Him. Now that doesn't mean I'm not slightly panicked that our daughter is going into the 10th grade and has had a spiritually screwed up mom for most of her teen years, because I am. I was really hoping this would be like a classic sitcom and get all wrapped up nice and pretty, with an exceptionally nice bow on top, in about 30 minutes - including commercials. Unfortunately, God wants me to sit in this for a really loooooooong time, so I keep trying to remind myself that His time is perfect and He sees the big picture SO much better than I ever could.
We watched "Lars and the Real Girl" last night with the kids. Aaron asked what was wrong with Lars, in a kind of judgemental way and I said, "I could be like that." Sometimes I want to be like that. I love the message in that flick. I love that we are all just unique beautiful messes. I love the grace in that town. I want to be gracious like that, but sometimes I think my heart has gotten so hard, that I can't be nice anymore. I find myself looking for reasons to mistrust people before they hurt me. I find myself explaining to my kids why people aren't as wonderful as we think - how ugly is that? I'm having a hard time seeing how this could be good for my kids to see their mother as ... whatever I am right now. I want to be a good mom, is that too much to ask? Not perfect, but good most of the time. I'm ready for Bianca to die...

Is it time?...

Geez, it's been a long time. This is such a waste of my life and during such an important time in my kids' lives. I'm ready to be done with it, and move on. I wish it didn't mean so much painful, hard work. I'm not so tired anymore. It's good not to be completely overwhelmed by everything in my life. I know I am feeling better, because I haven't had much sleep for several nights now and I'm tired, but not "that kind" of tired. I've taken a couple of small babysteps and I'm mildly terrified, but I feel like I have no choice... If I just keep doing what I've been doing, I'm going to keep getting what I've been getting. It's time for a cool, cool change. I want my joy back. I have happiness in my life. I have NEVER loved a place like I love Austin. We can really "dance" here. We fit so well here and I know He brought us to this beautiful place. This has been an awesome summer, walking/running, Barton Springs, Zilker Theatre, Sno-Beach, it doesn't get much better than that. But I really miss God. I hate that when I hear people talk about Him, I just want to roll my eyes. I used to want to love on people because I felt His love and I couldn't wait to share it with anyone who would have me. Now I just want to be left alone and get through the day. ICK!! I'm ready to fight for my relationship with Him. I have no idea what that looks like anymore and I know if this goes wrong, I'm am absolutely NOT up to another 3 years of this crap, I just know I need to be better and move on. I'm ready to be done with this and figure out what the pruning was all about. At least I think I am...

Way too long...

I really want to find a good church again. It's like I'm so messed up that I can't find or won't let myself find... I don't know. This has been going on for years now... When does it get good again? I don't know that I could ever trust "church people" enough to invest myself again. I hate that I have become the "disenfranchised."
I want to want to love people again. I want to want to help people because I feel loved by and led by God to help them. I want to stop feeling like I'm such a baby and pull myself up and get over it!! Why can't I just do that? What is wrong with me? Lots of people have been through junk like this. I have been through lots of junk. Why is this crippling me so completely? I want to be used by you, Lord. I just don't hear You much anymore. I feel so far away. I feel like I'm failing my kids, but I don't know how to get past this and have passion and faith like I used to. I can't really discuss this with anyone. There's too much pain and I should really be over this by now... Too much never resolved and too much evidence that I really never meant anything to anyone...