Sunday Morning...

Well, it's Sunday morning and we're not going to church... again. I've decided that I can keep going through the motions because it's the right thing to do or I can relax a little and see where He leads me. Going to Doxology this past year was good in a lot of ways, but leaving was difficult for our kids and I can't keep doing that to them. And since I can't really seem to hear God right now, I don't want to head out the door without any instruction from Him. Now that doesn't mean I'm not slightly panicked that our daughter is going into the 10th grade and has had a spiritually screwed up mom for most of her teen years, because I am. I was really hoping this would be like a classic sitcom and get all wrapped up nice and pretty, with an exceptionally nice bow on top, in about 30 minutes - including commercials. Unfortunately, God wants me to sit in this for a really loooooooong time, so I keep trying to remind myself that His time is perfect and He sees the big picture SO much better than I ever could.
We watched "Lars and the Real Girl" last night with the kids. Aaron asked what was wrong with Lars, in a kind of judgemental way and I said, "I could be like that." Sometimes I want to be like that. I love the message in that flick. I love that we are all just unique beautiful messes. I love the grace in that town. I want to be gracious like that, but sometimes I think my heart has gotten so hard, that I can't be nice anymore. I find myself looking for reasons to mistrust people before they hurt me. I find myself explaining to my kids why people aren't as wonderful as we think - how ugly is that? I'm having a hard time seeing how this could be good for my kids to see their mother as ... whatever I am right now. I want to be a good mom, is that too much to ask? Not perfect, but good most of the time. I'm ready for Bianca to die...