Revenge is mine sayeth The Lord...

Sometimes I want revenge so badly that I obsess over it. I have never felt like this before about someone. I know I'll never do anything about it. There are several reasons for this and most of them don't really help me much, nor are they terribly noble...

It's just wrong and I won't lower myself to that person's level.

I could cause a LOT of embarrassment for myself and my entire family if I was caught - especially if I had to go to jail!

I could cost my family a bunch of money that we simply don't have.

How would I look myself in the mirror?

Lord knows I already have a terrible time sleeping at night.

The one reason that I seem to come to most slowly (yes, I'm embarrassed to admit this) is that it isn't mine to avenge. It's God's to work through. That is the only reason that stops me in my tracks for any amount of time and gives me peace when I'm hurting and obsessing the most. I think I need to write it on my hand, because in my pain it's hard to remember this simple truth.

I'm waiting for some kind of justice - Tricia's idea of justice - and that's just ridiculous... I know - in my head, but my heart isn't always there... but it's there more than it used to be - So, that's good, right? The truth is, I have no idea how He is working in that person's life, but I trust that He's doing it in a MUCH better way than I can even begin to comprehend. I'm in awe of Grace - as a gift from Our Father... but I have this twisted idea that this person is only supposed to get it when s/he earns it - and what does THAT look like???... I must drive God crazy sometimes. I'm glad I'm not my kid!

Resting in His Grace and Trusting in His Plan are the ultimate in Joy and yet, I feel it slip through my slimy, self-righteous fingers more times than I care to admit!

Repeat after me: It's God's to work through...

and He will.

Mother's Day was so wonderful...

I finished writing my final exams for Monday after being served a yummy breakfast in bed - which was moved to the kitchen - of french toast with powdered sugar and LOTS of butter, eggs, cranberry juice and chai latte! It was mmmmmm..... I also got the MOST beautiful handmade card made with love!!

Writing the exams took MUCH longer than I thought they would, but I was very happy with the end result! We missed church, which made me pretty upset. When I was done, Bob said he was taking us out for dinner - any place I wanted to go... Well, that's pretty much a lose-lose, because I am just about the most indecisive person on Earth when it comes to what restaurant and then what item on the menu! It's ridiculous, I'm telling you. But we just drove... I asked Bob to go down Lamar, because I just knew something would hit me! And just about the time the kids were getting really frustrated with not knowing where we were going, IT HIT ME!!!

So, we went to Shady Grove on Barton Springs Road. I remembered that Rachael Ray went there on the show about Austin before we moved here and it was one of the few places on that list we hadn't hit, yet. Bob and I found the list in Aaron's chicken-scratch from over 3 years ago last week, so it was on my mind...

It was such a beautiful evening - after I laid into one of my kids for making fun of a certain group of people with tears in my eyes. The food is soooo cheap and good and very "austin" and yummy... The "Shady Thang" was a super delish drink and I enjoyed every sip of BOTH of them! After dinner Scott met us and we all walked around Austin and I wished we didn't have to go to work the next morning and that the night would never end...

The Wonder of It All...

Is it May, already? In so many ways we have come so far… but when a bad day hits, it is like being thrown into the eye of a tornado – for both of us! I went to the hotel and looked at a room there. Not sure that was a good idea, but it was driving me slightly bonkers wondering, picturing…


I’m not sure how I’ll ever get completely past that part. Knowing that he chose to get in his car and follow her there and betray me is so hard to get my head around… my heart around. Am I still in denial after 7 months?…

He is completely devoted to me – in ways he NEVER has been before and he was pretty devoted before we moved here. I feel more secure in some ways than I ever have and then I hear this insecure voice tell me I must be insane to continue in this marriage. If he could do it once after all we’ve been through together, then surely he could do it again… but the changes I’m seeing in him could only be the result of complete submission to God. He is becoming the husband I have longed for. He is becoming the father I have prayed for our children to have. When he looks at me, I can see the kind of love that God places in our hearts, that isn’t easily betrayed or forsaken.

He is my best friend. I have more fun with him than I have ever had with anyone. We could talk for days – non-stop – with an occasional food and bathroom break. He has become a man of integrity. When we disagree, he doesn’t give in to me and he doesn’t bully me. He simply stands his ground and explains, in love, why he believes what he believes. I just want to follow him anywhere when he does that…

He was baptized a few weeks ago. It was really beautiful. How can a man be stronger and more vulnerable all at the same time? The wonder of God…

I don’t feel so angry. I keep asking God to take away this “It’s not fair, foot-stomping” attitude I’ve got bubbling under the surface. He’s helping me immensely. I don’t know how I could do this without Him. I can’t believe how blessed I feel in this journey. It just doesn’t make any sense.