Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. ~Bill Cosby, Fatherhood, 1986

I'm flying out in a couple weeks to Michigan. Scott is coming to Texas to live with us and I'm driving back with him. Yeah, I know I said I wouldn't make the drive again, but for him I will. I have such mixed feelings about it. Ultimately, I want him to move out here and meet the woman of his dreams, marry her and live reasonably close so that I can be a grandma to my grandbabies and have Scott in our lives on a daily basis. Until then, the day-to-day of him living with us again is a little exhausting! He and I have a not-so-healthy relationship sometimes. I tend to make everything okay for him and he tends to take advantage of it. We talked about that last week, really openly, and that makes me feel much better. He's also been living with his "father" for the past 2 years and I'm hoping that things have shifted some, but I know that it's awfully easy to slip into the old routine. I've asked some friends here to hold me accountable when they see me slipping. I hope they can do it and I hope I listen...

Scott called me today. He had a pretty big seizure this morning and when he fell out of bed, he hit his head on something and has a big knot on his forehead. The ironic thing is that he made an appointment with his neurologist this morning because he could tell his meds weren't working as well, and he had to miss it because he couldn't drive there and his "father" wouldn't take him. I hate that I'm not there when this junk happens. I hate that when I call to see how he's doing, his "father" tells me how lazy he is because he's been sleeping all day... He had a seizure. Seizures wipe you out. It's normal to sleep a lot the next day... UGGGHHHH!!!

Finding that place where I can be his mom and still let him grow up is so frickin' hard for me. I feel so protective of him, but sometimes that comes off as me not believing in him to him - at least subconsciously. Do you know how hard it is to worry every time your child gets in the shower that he could seize and fall and REALLY hurt himself? Or to watch him get in the car and wonder if you're going to get a call from the police or the hospital that he's had an accident and is hurt, hurt other people or worse? Or to not really sleep because every little sound could be him hitting the wall to let you know he's about to seize and he says he knows you're there when you come and it comforts him - and you have to get there before the other kids, because it's too much for them to witness? Or to look your child in the eyes and appear calm and confident, saying, "It's okay, I'm right here. You are breathing just fine. It's okay," while he seizes and inside you are really dying and wondering what you did to make him like this or how you can just make it STOP? It's exhausting. It's heart-breaking. It's our life, or at least a big part of it.

I so want my baby here with us. I just wish I could rest in God more. I can't find that place where I can relax. I know that sounds self-centered, but it overwhelms me sometimes. I wish I could be one of those really strong women that just makes everything okay. This thing is too big for me. I guess I have to let God be the one in control. I really hate that... I really love it, too. Being a mom is so hard. You just don't really know until you know, do you? I wouldn't trade it for the world!

sadness...

I have two friends from early childhood, Lezlie and Jude. We all moved out to Byron (podunk) from Detroit (metropolis) in 2nd grade. We had the usual drama of who was REALLY best friends with who - leaving one of us out - and we've grown apart and close again and again through the years. I worked so hard at NOT being the one left out when we were younger and I was definitely the one who was not a sweetie. Once I convinced Lezlie that it would be hilarious to push Judy down this HUGE snowy hill because the two of them were definitely becoming best friends and I thought that would take care of that problem... It did, for about 2 hours. A few years ago when I was with Jude in the pre-op room for breast cancer, she started telling everyone that walked through the room (medical staff, included) the story of how mean I was in 3rd grade! It was so awful and so funny! I really love that girl!!
When we were in (I think) 5th grade, Lezlie found out she had SEVERE scoliosis. She has had more surgeries than I can count. About 90% of her bones in her back have been replaced with metal. Whenever she had surgery she would be in a body cast for months. Not many people would visit her and when we got older, very few men stuck around. It has been long and difficult for her in so many ways.
Lezlie and Judy aren't close anymore, but I keep them both updated. When things are tough, Judy will contact Lezlie and offer her love and support. Judy is married and has two beautiful daughters. Lezlie has never married and doesn't have any children. She is very close to her parents, especially her mom.
Judy lost her mom this past November to cancer. It was so sad. I didn't know her mom really well. Her parents divorced when we were young and she decided to live with her dad. I call him, "Dad." That man is a saint the way he put up with us every weekend as teenagers! Nobody cussed as cutely as that man! He has Alzheimer's now. It's been a tough road for him and Judy. Anyway, I flew home for the funeral and loved on Jude as much as time and circumstance permitted. She led her momma to the Lord before she passed away. She spent so much time with her before she died. She is one of those people who you want there when it is one of those times...
Lezlie called a few days ago. Her dad has hepatitis and he's dying. They say it could be just a few days now. That man has been making me laugh since I was 6 years old. He is so sweet and funny. Lezlie is the apple of his eye. He also has the coolest tattoos on his knuckles that I have ever seen! This past year, the hep. has affected his mind and he's been unkind to Lezlie. She is so angry with him. I'm worried about how that will affect her when he's gone. I worry about how not having God in their lives will affect all of them. My relationship with Lezlie is so complicated. She made it clear last week that she expects me to be at the funeral. I've been calling her and she's not returning my calls - not unusual. If she needs me, she will really need me. If she doesn't, I could fly home and she may not return my calls the whole time. I don't know what to do. These are the important moments, but leaving my family, missing work, affording a ticket, etc. are all harsh realities for me now. We won't recover financially for a while after the whole owning 2 houses for almost 2 years ordeal! Not to mention, going to Michigan for 2 funerals and a wedding in the past 8 months hasn't been kind to the wallet!
I have been struggling with this for days and I can't seem to make a decision - of course, not having communication with Lez, isn't really helping. My oldest son, Scott, berated me the other day. He asked me if Lez would do the same for me... she might, she might not. I'm okay with that. We have our own junk. Isn't this whole relationship thing about accepting people where they are. I mean, if you can't, then say so and exit stage left, but if you can, then you go from there. I don't mean to say doormatting it is okay. I just mean accept limitations - God knows, I have plenty of my own! Scott keeps saying that if you don't have the money, you don't have the money and a friend understands that. Ahhh, to be young again. I love that boy!
I don't know... I think I was hoping that writing it down would make it clearer.

Waiting....

Waiting....

Nope... that didn't do it.

Hope floats...

You know, I just got some really good news from one of my faithful and very hurting friends in Michigan. As a matter of fact, I've gotten a few little nuggets during the past weeks. It is truly amazing to me how God works and it's even more amazing (in a "I'm so disappointed in myself" kind of way) to me that I seem to forget how to do things the "right" way with Him.
Since things sort of fell apart at NCC and we all sort of followed suit, it is always bittersweet when we get together. Bob and I have taken the kids back twice and I've flown back 2 other times and each time Michele, Barry, Pam, Duncan, Connie and Dave have all made time for us. It feels so good to be with them, but we've all been hurting so much that mostly what we talk about is how much we are all struggling just to make it through each day and how bad we feel that we are setting such a horrible example for our kids. This last time we spent the first 3 days at Michele and Barry's, the next 3 in Charlevoix for the wedding, my parent's for a day and then Bob's parents' for the last 3 days. Pam was in Texas, but Michele and Connie drove (2 hours) to Adrian to see us at Bob's parents' and were gracious enough to go to church with us that evening. Connie and I talked about how apathetic we were both feeling and how sad we were about it before we left for church. I told both of them we didn't have to go, that we could stay home with the boys and that would be fine, but they knew how happy my in-loves would be if we all went, so we went.
The church is this old, kinda musty-smelling, Mexican church with about 35 members on a good Sunday. Bob's mom and dad were married there 50 + years ago and they renewed their vows there several years ago with all of us as witnesses. It was beautiful - to us... Connie and Michele were so loving and accepting and it was fun to be in church with them again, but we all felt the emptiness. Then Bob had to sing "I Can Only Imagine" for his mom (I know, I know) and he couldn't remember the lyrics, so I snuck up to the first pew and mouthed the words until he was on solid ground. As I sat back, I was touched, just for a moment by the Holy Spirit, it was a breath of fresh air. Then I snuck back to the pew and Connie was standing up with tears in her eyes, telling me that we needed to go outside and talk NOW!!
The three of us went outside and Connie scolded us all for giving up on ourselves and each other. She said that she saw that I wanted to feel God's presence in my life and so did she and we needed to commit to praying for each other EVERY day and then emailing EVERY day to share it with each other. It was one of those moments when you know someone cares enough to throw you a rope and I wanted to be saved from myself, so I agreed and so did Michele. We asked Pam and Mary if they wanted to join us and now the 5 of us are praying for each other EVERY day. The funny thing to me is that it sounds so simple and I have developed a HUGE aversion to anecdotal christianity the past few years, but with this little mustard seed of faith and some prayer lifted up in love (and desperation) to God, really BIG, BIG things happen.
I'm so thankful that Connie listened to Him and had the courage to scold us and ask us to hold one another accountable. You know, she told us she knew we wouldn't do it for ourselves, but she knew we would do it for each other. She was right.
I'm also so thankful that I have friends who are faithful to me and lift me up, especially after the little I've had to offer them during the past 2 1/2 years.
Scott called me last week and wanted to know what happened because I sounded much better than I had in years. He has been asking me what is wrong for a very long time and I always tell him "Nothing" because it was just too exhausting and looooong an explanation to give and because I'm supposed to be the parent. I started telling him how much I had struggled with depression, church and all that "jazz" and he told me how worried he has been and how happy he is to hear ME again. That was great confirmation for me.
I'm learning to listen, again. I'm accepting His grace, cautiously - and He's okay with that. I'm feeling some joy and that is HUGE!!
When I get emails from my praying friends now they are filled with hope and such evidence of God working in their lives. It has been very healing for me. I know one of my character flaws is that I take on my friends' pain and I've been very angry that so many people from NCC that I love are hurting and are so disenfranchised. I've been so buried by that pain and I've felt so exhausted and helpless that I could barely function for way too long. Connie told me a few days ago that she could hear hope in my voice now. It's true...

What is that all about?

I have spent most of this week having some really wonderful conversations. You know the kind where when you hang the phone up, you cry a little because you are so thankful that God blessed you in this way and you almost feel a physical weight lifted from your shoulders that you didn't even realize was there? I had 3 of those this week - and I'm really happy, but I'm wiped out, too. I also had one really hurtful and shocking "conversation" and that was hard, but I did what I could and it's not mine to own. Part of this whole process is God showing me when it's His to pick up and mine to put down. I keep thinking that this is Bob's last week off and I want to do a couple more really fun summer things and I can't seem to move beyond my laptop (this blog, facebook and email), my copy of Brene' Brown's I thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't), and even my bedroom. What is that all about? I start out by telling myself that I'm going to get up in the morning and empty the dishwasher, throw in a load of laundry, make a decent breakfast and then we'll go somewhere fun and then I start thinking about getting ready for the lit. classes I'm teaching this year, getting everything ready for teaching my own kids, paying bills (there's the big bad wolf), looking at the fall schedule for everyone, and then I'm immobilized and I DO NOTHING. Isn't that the dumbest thing? I just want to buck up and move through.

Okay, I'm going to make blue moon smoothies (Caleb's favorite!)and throw a load of laundry in...

"Try as hard as we may for perfection, the net result of our labors is an amazing variety of imperfectness. We are surprised at our own versatility in being able to fail in so many different ways."

~Samuel McChord Crothers

The Last Supper and Dessert!

OKAY... So we're driving to Mark and Leslie's housewarming party and suddenly we are following THIS! I'm ashamed to say my children were mildly disgusted with how excited I was to take this picture. Hannah was very concerned that the people in the truck (and there were a whole bunch, let me tell ya) were watching me snap the pictures. I justified my actions by telling her that since they had put all that time (and cash) into it, they were probably okay with me appreciating it. Bob kept saying, " So, do you think they're Mexican? - Only in Texas, I swear!" - Bob can say this, he's Mexican.
So, we get to the house and they all decide to go play kickball - did I mention that it's 106 degrees outside? And by "they", I mean all of the people at the party who are NOT from Michigan. Now, let me tell you, we have definitely acquired thinned blood since we moved here and can tolerate MUCH hotter temps, but 106 is 106, you know? I don't run unless one of my children is in danger of dying and I'm trying to make it there in time to save their life. I decided to be water girl and sit in the shade, handing out water to the victims of heat stroke. When we got back to the house, Mark grilled burgers and we just sat and relaxed in their great new house - very Austin! After a couple of hours and of course, just when we decide we have to get home, the kids (Cassie, you know who you are!) start "suggesting" we all go to Amy's Ice Cream and you know, I love myself some Amy's! Can you say "GRASSHOPPER" - with real mint liqueur? Mmmmmm... especially on a 106 degree day! I love summer. I wish it could go on forever...

I'm a band whore...

It's really strange to me that when things start to get better, EVERYTHING starts to get/look better. Bob has been trying so hard to "gel" with other musicians here and he has been confiding in me lately that it just isn't happening for him, in spite of the abundance of talent and venues. It's like when you keep going to church and don't find or feel any God there when you did just a couple of months ago. Our lives have been in such a funk and we have been in survival mode for so long that we forgot how to go anywhere else. It isn't that it hasn't been fun and we haven't had nice moments at various band jobs/gigs, but there have been so many "on" nights in the past, that when you don't experience that for YEARS, you start to feel so lost and sad. When you're as f'ed up as I've been for this long, you don't remember how to move past it and you're not really sure it's worth the effort to move at all. And then God starts to move and everything kind of shifts, and then you and your husband start to really "get each other" again. And Then... You have a GREAT night; the songs are on, the guys are in tune with each other, the crowd is ready for fun and my husband blossoms in it all. He was in rare beautiful form. He was funny, he was a show-off (in the most beautiful sense of the word), and he shined in a way I haven't seen in YEARS. There is this energy and love that goes from him to the audience and back again and again. God, I missed that. It was just pure and lovely fun that we got to share with so many people that we have come to love here.

And at the end of the night, Judy (the manager) told me not to worry about our tab. She told me that we bring in the biggest and kindest crowd that she has ever seen. She blessed me in a way that fed my soul. I know it sounds silly, but it was just good for my being.

This is the showing off part... isn't he fantastic? Stevie Ray's "Pride and Joy" solo without missing a note... It makes me want to take him home after the show...

The skaterboys...

Stacey, Me and Lesley...

Bob and some gorgeous fans...

Rusty (love this boy!)

Belle, Maddie, Hannah & Ashley

Beauty and My Beast...

Okay, how many people live in a place as cool as this? All through July and until August 9th at Zilker Park's outdoor theatre we can go see Beauty and the Beast for FREE!! Last summer we got to see My Favorite Year. It is summer at it's finest. Last summer Hannah made chicken alfredo, a beautiful salad, homemade bread and creme brulee and we had the most wonderful picnic. This year we made several dips, spreads, etc. and just snacked away. I think I could eat brie on a good cracker and some fruit and always be happy!

The performance is always excellent. The mix of people who attend is so Austin, that it makes me feel blessed to be part of this body. Everyone brings their blankets, beach chairs, coolers full of good food, some wine, beer, whatever and we're just one big happy family. I love when it's over that people stay and pick up every little bit of litter as though it's their own living room and there is always such good conversation. I love that we are in this place where people are more laid back, patient and kind. I don't mean to insult people in other places, it's just that there really are some differences based on locale.

Last Wednesday evening we went to "Blues on the Green" and watched Carolyn Wonderland. Last month we saw Asleep at the Wheel. I just kept looking at Bob and saying, "I Love Austin. This is livin'!.. I'm so glad we live here!" We pack the cooler full of yummy food and drinks, grab a couple chairs and a blanket and all we have to pay for is parking... 3 BUCKS... Can you beat it??!! The kids and I met the sweetest man. His daughter-in-love had just given birth to his first granddaughter. He had the most precious picture of her and he just beamed as he told us about her. A group of college aged "kids" sat in front of us and practiced what they obviously learned in the dance class they take together. Several people stopped by and took their picture. It was lovely. Men come in their suits after work, moms and their kids come straight from Barton Springs, couples come on dates all nervous and excited... such beauty...