OVERwhelmed is an UNDERstatement...

We decided to disconnect our cable and internet about 4 years ago in order to save a LOT of money and because my Honey thought it would be a great way to stop wasting so much time in front of televison and computer screens while spending more quality time as a family before our babies, who are not babies at all, grew up and left.  We still watch dvds on occasion and then, of course, we all have phones that do everything except make dinner, so it isn't unusual to walk into our living room and see all of us staring quietly at our phones or showing each other something on our phones...  UGH!!
We have changed immensely, for the better, in my opinion.  We are much more communicative and expressive, which has in turn caused us to all be much more relational with each other.  A small miracle, considering we did this during our children's late teen years.
We all read more, too.  So, I think that is wonderful!!
Our kiddos are all in college now, so it is time to reconnect the internet at home, although we decided the cable television is still not something we want in our home.  I was very excited to begin writing on this blog again, and then I saw that it had been YEARS since I've written anything on here and trying to fill in the middle with a quick update, would be ridiculous.  Overwhelmed is such an understatement...
I have purchased several journals during this time and have been trying to keep up with this recovery story of ours in them.  I think I am going to transfer the entries into this blog, bit by bit, so that I can have my journey all in one place, in chronological order, and hopefully share that with others who are traveling this horrendous road feeling devastated and alone, as I did.
I am better than I have ever been in some ways.  I have lived in Texas, just outside of Austin now for almost 7 years.  In all of that time I have not found one woman here that I have developed a deep friendship with.  I have lost other long-time friendships or have come to accept that the relationships were not worth the effort for the other woman involved.  When I was at my very lowest point, several of the people I considered to be my closest friends and family members, simply turned their backs on me.  Some of them pretended that they were still in relationship with me and just avoided me or avoided going "there" with me as much as possible. I understand that the kind of pain I was going through was very difficult to look at and some people just aren't up for it - some because it scared the begeebees out of them because they didn't want to even consider that infidelity could be part of their marriages, some because they had betrayal in their marriages and never completely dealt with it, so they did NOT want to have to deal with it now, and some because seeing my raw pain was just not comfortable or very pretty, frankly. 
The new friendships that I had just started here in Texas mostly ended because I pulled back out of shame and fear that if they found out, they would form opinions that weren't based on really knowing Bob and I.  I kept picturing myself trying to explain to people that I wasn't a fool for staying with him, but that he really did love me and wasn't one of those guys that betrayed me on a regular basis or even once before.
So far, I haven't explained the being better part...  I have learned to be okay with me.  I almost trust myself again, but in a new way.  After facing my worst fear that NO one thought I was worth the trouble - not my husband and not my parents - I had the most amazing realization.  Now, this will sound anecdotal and simple to many people, but until I truly embraced this truth, I was lost in a way that had me planning my own suicide and unable to see any worth in my entire life.  My truth and the only thing that gets me through EVERYTHING now, is that I am completely worth it to HIM.  He loves me unconditionally.  He is faithful to me and won't ever turn His back on me.  I can never let Him down so much that He will forsake me.
I have heard all of this from lots of good church people since forever, but actually allowing myself to believe that anyone feels this way about me has been completely life-changing.  Yeah, that doesn't even begin to cover it.  Words just can't explain.  If they could, I would've gotten this a LONG-ASS time ago and had healthy boundaries in my life because I wouldn't be afraid that if I didn't, no one would put up with me.  My whole life would've been so much better...
And it hasn't suddenly been a three-sixty...  I still have LOTS of other junk and I still revert and forget how much He loves me because of the way someone in my life chooses to treat me or abandons me.  Being without a close friend and losing other ones has made me doubt my worth as a friend and even as a person many times.  I've made a couple of surface friendships here that have begun to develop into unhealthy relationships like I've had in the past where I am parenting a person who chooses to keep making the same mistakes over and over and over.  So, I have had to step back and set up boundaries, which is a struggle because seven years is a very long time to be lonely.  It's been hard not to settle for any girl who will give me the time of day...  But I'm not settling after all I've been through.  He wants so much more from me and I want to be what He sees in me.  I have SUCH a long way to go and part of me feels like I've wasted so many years thinking I was in His will or just being too beat up, exhausted and angry to listen to Him on a regular basis.  The new lie is that I'm too old.  The voice tells me that I can't really accomplish anything of worth at this point or have the career I've longed for because now I have to put 3 kids through college and I'm out of youthful energy... That telling my story is too much work and not worth telling.  Who wants to hear a story that doesn't even get tied up with a pretty bow?...
I've taken this summer to just rest and I needed it badly.  The voice tells me I just wasted more time, but I feel rested and more focused.  I feel stronger.  My friend, Katie, calls it the oxygen mask theory (I think).  I have to get strong, find my voice before I can be in relationship with anyone and tell my story.  I've met so many women who spend their lives running from the lie that they aren't worth it.  I really believe He allowed me this pain so that I could help others to see how worth it they are to Him and that is all that truly matters.  You are enough to the Only One who matters.
And, so am I...

 

My oldest brother called me last week to let me know that our father was going in for a heart catherization with a possible stint. I was surprised at how upset I was at first. I had NO desire to fly up to be with my family, but I was sad and worried. My mother told him not to tell anyone - and I'm sure "anyone" is code for "Tricia." I was hurt that they didn't tell me, but I wasn't surprised at all and I bounced back pretty quickly. He had the procedure done last Wednesday morning and it went amazingly well. His blockage is down 10% from 9 years ago when he had this done the first time and they ended up going through his wrist, so he was ready to come home a couple of hours after the finished. My brothers say he is doing well. I'm glad.
It's more than sad, all of this, but I'm at peace. It's hard to understand how deeply saddened I am by all of this and yet, I'm so at peace. I can tell my kids are worried about me. I also know that they pity me. I have been through some shit this past two or three years, haven't I? The beautiful thing is that, now that I'm mostly over my pity party, I can clearly see that people have their limitations and it doesn't lessen my worth. I also know that I am blessed to have the phenomenol children I have. I FINALLY have a man that REALLY loves me for who I REALLY am. I have some deep abiding friendships that leave me feeling lonely a lot of the time, but are rare and beautiful, too. I like me. I'm proud of the work I've done. I don't feel exhausted trying to be who no one can ever really be anymore. This is where I've wanted to be all of my life. It was a l-o-n-g hard road and I'm going to savor every minute. I am a faithful, loving, flexible, giving wife, mom, daughter, sister, and friend. I'm not in denial. I'm just beginning to understand good, healthy boundaries. I'm also beginning to feel what real freedom feels like...

Dear Lord... Or Some Light at the End of the Tunnel

AUGUST 3, 2010 (The day after my mother's birthday)
Well Lord,
I made it through yesterday and it wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. I didn't repeatedly question myself or feel overwhelmed with guilt. I feel sad that my parents told me not to have any contact with them. I feel sad that they don't value having an authentic relationship with me, but I know I can't change that. I understand that they lack something (You) and it isn't because I'm not worth it. You died for me and my sins, so surely I am loved without condition. You think I am worth pursuing, even at my worst.
I am thankful that my husband's betrayal and our healing journey has helped me better understand Your love. I get that we are incapable of loving each other unconditionally and authentically without You. I've experienced Your love for the first time in my life this past year and a half through my husband in a way that we both understand he couldn't produce on his own. I've watched him submit to You time and time again.
It's ironic to me that all of that excruciating pain and the journey back has left me still so broken and yet, for the first time, I am willing to face my deepest fears - that they can discard me without a fight - and then have those fears confirmed and I'm still standing in peace and authentic love. - Thank You

But They Sure Can Un-Pick You...

Well, I composed the letter to my parents several times. It became shorter and shorter as I became more rational and focused. I wasn't unkind or judgemental. My Honey read it and helped me get the last piece of sarcastic hurt out of there. I didn't send it. I decided to wait a few days. Let the money be returned in the mail and let my heart settle now that I had written and my head and heart were not in a tailspin. My Honey even took me for a massage on Saturday and I felt SO much better!
This morning I received this email from my father:

Mon, July 26, 2010 10:59:12 AM Goodby
From: David McDowell View Contact
To: T Ojeda

Mrs Ojeda;

Since your goals in life appears to be hurting your mother as often as possible and becoming totally Mexican'
I have a suggestion loose our address and phone number do not contact us again and please take the McDowell name off your facebook.!
Thank you

I have to admit, one of the first things I wanted to do was correct all of the punctuation errors! Then I just kind of wanted to write back, "Wow, I don't know why I continue to be astounded by what a HUGE asshole you are. Goodbye..."


So, I think I'm at the venting stage now...
"Mrs. Ojeda" - really?
It's "appear" when you use it with multiple goals not "appears."
"totally Mexican?" - What the F*** are you talking about??? - and shouldn't that have either a comma or a period after it and not an apostrophe?
"suggestion" should either have a period or a colon after it. In the case of the latter, "loose" should be capitalized. "loose" should also be spelled "Lose."
There should be a period after "number" as well as a capital letter to begin the word "Do."
Now here's the biggie for me: Didn't he get his last name the same way I got it? We were born with it, right? Where the hell does he get off telling me to take my birth name off of my facebook profile??? And then he ends it all with a period and an exclamation point, but he did thank me...
This is all in reaction to me not returning my mother's phone call last Thursday about whether or not I had received the money she slipped into my bag while we were at their house. Money I repeatedly told her NOT to give me because I just wanted to do something nice for her. Money that I mailed back to her on Saturday.
Welp... I guess that just about takes care of it. I expect I will have some kind of breakdown. I mean, it's really tragic, isn't it? I don't really feel anything right now except disgusted. Truth be told, I have been considering posting it to my fb wall! Wouldn't that be hilarious??? Okay, not really, but sometimes the way he acts is so hurtful that I want to see other people's reactions just so I know my reality is accurate. No wonder I'm so f'ed up, huh?...
My Honey's at work. I hope he calls me soon...

You Can't Pick Your Family...

Well, I've been mulling all of this over since we got back almost a week ago. The time we spent in Michigan with our friends was absolutely wonderful. It was painful seeing how hard life has been for our friends there. Everybody is struggling with SO much right now, but it was cleansing and it's always amazing to me how these friends of our fill our love tanks by just accepting us and supporting us just as we are.
We had a nice time with my Honey's family. They always spoil us. They don't do it with material stuff as much as with attention. Mom always makes our favorite foods and dad goes to the store and gets special shampoo that we'll all like, etc. We just talk or play games, etc. It's so relaxing and real.
My parents' was a nightmare - plain and simple. For the first time in my life, however, I went there feeling stronger in some ways than I ever have before. For the first time my husband was completely behind me, not acting like I was putting him through something horrible or doing his best to avoid conflict. I knew he would defend me and protect us all. I also knew my kids were on solid ground and that we were united. My mother, and keep in mind here I have believed for several years that her meds are messed up or she is developing alzheimer's (sp.?), insisted that I told her we would arrive at 5 o'clock on Monday and called me at Michele's (at 5:15)to tell me so. We had 5 conversations where she tried to manipulate me into saying we would be there for dinner or that we would stay an extra night, etc. Each time I told her we would be eating at Michele's and would not be there until later that night. She even said she would make tuna/pasta salad in case we were hungry and that way she wouldn't worry about dinner. I told her firmly that I did not say that and then she asked me if we had eaten. When I replied, "Yes," she hung up on me! A couple of hours later we arrived at their house. My father stiffened when I hugged him and said something sarcastic, as my mother walked away from me. I asked him if he was going to do this after we had driven over 1200 miles to get there and we only had a couple of days? He replied that he was only acting like himself, so I asked him to act like someone nice who was glad to see his daughter and family after they had traveled so far to see him. No reply. My mother hugged me like a distant relative that she had a ten year grudge against and that was pretty much the general attitude for the next 2 days! The following night, my sil, Mandy, called to talk to my mother, as she does EVERY single day. In spite of the non-communcation betweeen us for several years and my mother being completely aware of it, she handed me the phone - at first I thought she said it was my brother, Danny. Mandy was all gushy and pretend enthusiasm. I politely answered her questions and asked her how she was doing and how she enjoyed their vacation to Colorado. When it got quiet, she asked if I was still there. I said I was. She asked if I had anything to say, so I told her not really. I said that we hadn't really talked in several years, so I didn't see any reason to pretend we have a relationship because Mom had put us on the phone with one another. She then screamed, "What did I ever do to you?!" I told her we hadn't talked in several years and she hadn't done anything, but since I had made it clear that I wanted a relationship with them and had made several attempts to have one and they had not made any effort, that I didn't really see any reason to pretend on the phone. I said we had been polite and asked how one another was doing, but I saw no need to waste our time pretending there was more between us. She screamed that she only talked to me because Mom had asked her to and then she said, "GOOD-BYE!" I remained calm because I just wanted to be real, I understood we were both put in an uncomfortable position and I had mourned the death of this relationship some time ago.
When I hung up, my mother said, "Well that was a short conversation." I agreed it was. She then asked me if she should not have put me on the phone with Mandy. I quietly told her, "You absolutely should NOT have put us on the phone together." I told her that even though I understand what she wants, I had tried very hard to have a relationship with my brother and his family and they had made it clear that they didn't want one. I told her that things like this tear off my scab a little and it's painful for me. She said she was sorry and that she should probably call Mandy because she was sure she was very upset. WOW! REALLY?! - I told her to do whatever she thought best, but that we were all grown women, no harsh words were spoken and I saw no need to make this into a bigger deal than it really was. Mandy called my mother about 10 minutes later and I overheard my mom consoling her.
The following morning my brother, Scott, called me just as Hannah, Caleb and I were headed next door to my brother, Doug's house for breakfast. I didn't know who it was when I answered the phone. It said "cellular phone," so I thought it might be my brother, Dan, running late or something. We each said hello and then I asked who he was. I thought it sounded like my dad! He said it was Scott, I told him our parents were at Doug's. He said he knew where they were, he called to talk to me (which probably means one of our parents told him I was at their house alone) and then he asked me to give him my "side of what happened last night." I told him that I wasn't going to give him my side and I had no desire to convince him of my position. I told him I felt bad that his wife was put in such an awkward position and that I knew why he would feel protective. He said, very clearly, "I don't give a shit about Mandy! I'm calling because, as usual, you're trying to be the center of attention and making Mom and Dad uncomfortable while you're there!" I told him that he never came to visit any of the times I have in the past 4 years, so he wouldn't have any idea what my visits were like or how our parents felt while I was there. He then told me he thought I was crazy, called me an ugly name, and said, "Why would I EVER come to visit while you're there?" Again, I remained calm until he hung up on me and then I burst into tears with my kids watching. Hannah heard every word and was a mess about it. I got my act together as best I could and then we headed over to Doug's. I went into the bathroom with Bob as soon as I got there and told him through tears how upset I was. I tried my best to just enjoy the time with everyone there. My dad gave me a hard time about the garage door opener, so I took care of that and my mom was stand-offish, at best.
I found out that Danny and Scott are battling it out again. Scott stole a dvd that Dan uses for sales - that cost him several thousand dollars to make- and my dad is the one who gave it to Scott. All of my brothers are in great turmoil over the whole thing. They all said I was the smart one for moving away... sad... My parents, naturally, haven't said a word to me about any of this, because that's what they do. Keep it all in the dark and then act like victims when it all blows up in their faces.
I am so full of emotion, I don't know what to do with it all. I want to have a clear head, but there's too much junk in there right now. I am SO disgusted with my parents. I am appalled at what my family has become because of greed and such conditional "love." The day after we got back I had a notice that one of my family members had deleted me from their account: Mandy! Mature... Then I looked at my father's account and he is no longer friends with Danny... Hmmmm... I wish I could say that I'm surprised by this from him, but I'm not...
Everytime I visit them I am a mess for weeks before we leave and then I'm a bigger mess for weeks when we return. It affects my entire family... I am so tired of being blown away by what horrible people my parents can be. I am so deeply hurt by how they treat all of their children, aside from Scott. I feel like I want to tell my parents that I want them out of my life. Bob asked me to wait a week to make my decision and I have, I think... I'm not sure if I should call or write. If I call, they will twist everything I say when they gossip about it to the other people in my family and then I have to deal with some of my brothers calling to discuss how much I hurt my mother! Also, I'm afraid of my emotions getting the best of me and not clearly communicating and opening myself up to the hurtful things my parents will definitely say to me. If I write, it seems a bit cowardly and impersonal. The good thing is that I could blind copy it to my brothers and then my parents couldn't say it said anything that it didn't. Part of the problem is that I know in communicating how hurt I feel, a little piece of me is hoping for change and there goes that scab again. I kind of wish they would just leave me alone... fade off into the sunset.
I talked with my son, Scott, yesterday. I told him I feel so conflicted because I have tried so hard to parent with unconditional love because I never wanted them to feel like I did, but that now I'm thinking about telling my parents to leave me alone, I feel like I'm not offering them grace, unconditional love and I'm afraid of what I'm showing my children about family. I said I just want to do this "right." He said I will always love them, but that they don't accept my love and it's healthy to have boundaries with people like that. He is wise beyond his years...
Hannah wrote a letter to her Uncle Scott yesterday. She told him how upset she was about the way he talked to me. She told him she expected more from him, a better example. She told him he wouldn't want his son to talk that way to his sisters so he shouldn't set that example. When she asked if she could do it, I told her she could, but I didn't want to see any swearing or disrespect. HA! I was moved by how well she expressed herself. It filled me with hope to see how highly she regards family.
I hate that I put my husband and kids through this shit with my family of origin. It's time to stop the madness and stop doing what looks right to others. I may regret not having them in my life when they are gone, but I regret almost every minute I spend with them now, so I'm not sure how to realistically make a healthy choice for everyone or even anyone! I don't want to be one of those people that just walks away because they think they are always supposed to be "happy" - because I get that that is just self-centered b.s., but to keep exposing us all to this is just kind of sick, isn't it? I mean finding that place between unconditional love and doormat is so hard for me... wouldn't you think I'd get better at it at some point?...

My Baby is 24...

Wow! Time flies when you're having fun, and even when you're not, but Especially when you are. He's 24. I have been a mom for 24 years. I have been a changed woman for 24 years. I stopped being completely self-centered 24 years ago...
I wonder if he knows that he's the one that made me want to be better. I remember when I was in the hospital and he was only a few hours old, I got on the phone, called information for the number to the admissions office at U of M in Flint, and within the hour I had begun my journey to receiving my degree.
I wanted to be a good example. I wanted to know that I could take care of him - that he would know he could always count on me. I thought if I did it all right that I would deserve a gift as wonderful as he was to me. I also believed that we would be different because he would always trust me and know that I had his best interests at heart because we would always have this awesome communication between us. I was NOT going to be like all of those other parents! HA!
I'm pretty sure he's taught me much more than I have taught him. We do communicate pretty well... now. It has been the journey of my life, so much of it uphill... I have made SO SO many mistakes... Love covers a multitude... Parenting is NOT for cowards! He continues to make me better. He brings me so much joy. He turned out so much better than I ever imagined in all of the ways that really matter. He really does bring me joy...
8 lbs., 21 inches, born at 10:45 a.m. on July 21, 1986
Thank You, God...

You Cannot Lose My Love

My Banana Girl brought this to me tonight and told me that it was "Like God is talking to you, Mom." I said, "Oh, this is the song I sing to you."
As I listened to it, I first thought of how much I love my kids and I'm glad we have the kind of relationship where I show them how unconditional my love for them is. Then I had a quick pity party about how I wish my parents were capable of this kind of love... But then I heard Him speaking to me, "You cannot lose... You cannot lose... You cannot lose My love."
I haven't felt His love reign down on me in a long time. It was worth waiting for...

My Old Friend, Joy, Has Moved Back In

Kind of a rough week. I've been doing the stand in the middle of the room stomping my feet while I tell God how unfair all of this is and list a bunch of the ways/times my husband (and she) kicked me while I was down. I listened to a story in church last week about how God came through financially for this single dad at the last minute and all I could think of was why didn't He come through for me? Why did He allow me to be SO betrayed when I was fighting to stay in a relationship with Him, etc., etc.? After we all went out for lunch, my oldest, Scott, asked me what was wrong and then called me a liar when I told him that I was fine. He hugged me a while later and asked me to please tell him what I was so sad about. I gave him a little outline (including why I couldn't really work through this with his dad's help, but that I don't have any other friends, etc. that I can really discuss this with) while I cried into his shoulder and then he asked me to call him later. I told him I thought I needed him to give me a swift kick in the ass and tell me to get it together. I hoped he would explain why God had seemingly forsaken me or at least tell me why He just wouldn't communicate with me any more. My husband has been trying to help me work through this all week and while I appreciate his commitment to me and this valley, he just probably isn't the one I can do this with. So, on Wednesday I asked Scott to have breakfast with me and we stop by this really cool antique shop, he buys Bailey's engagement ring and then we go to Magnolia's for a great breakfast and time together.
My son doesn't kick me in the pants. He tells me how strong he thinks I am. He tells me how understandable my rhetorical kicking and screaming are. I explain to him how the greatest thing I've lost in all of this is the ability to trust myself - my feelings, my reactions, my opinions, my reality... He tells me that he trusts me completely and he respects my opinion more than ever and that for now I should let it be enough that others feel that way and that, in time, I will regain this for myself. I feel better after we talk, but I'm still so lost. I miss God so much it is overwhelming to me. He asks me to please read C.S. Lewis's "A Grief Observed" and I go to 1/2 Price and buy it immediately, hoping that I will find God in there, or at least, the reason He won't commune with me, so that I can fix it asap! I'm a great "fixer!"
I read the first couple of chapters and some more of "Eat, Pray, Love" and then I go on with my day. The following day I read more of "Eat..." Finally today I finish it and I am overwhelmed with her journey. I am blown away that she went through such a long spiritual drought and just kept seeking Him - and that she kept finding Him - although not without lots of work and commitment. I begin to feel my heart melting. I hold the book and cry for a little while. I feel grateful... I run that picture that is filed away, but always readily available, through my mind of me dancing with joy on my face and people watching while I smash, face first, into a glass doorwall. But, wait... for the first time in forever, I'm not humiliated. I simply get up, dust myself off and realize it doesn't matter to me what they think of me.
So, I open my email and this is what I find:
I am making the rough places smooth and the crooked places straight by taking the stumbling block out of your way. This is what keeps you from progression. It is your disobedience to My Word and your rebellion against My precepts. I am going to make the offense very clear to you in the days ahead so that you can make a choice whether or not to cooperate with My work in your life. If you choose to work with Me in these areas of correction, you will be delighted with the liberty that comes as a result, says the Lord.

Jude 24-25 Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, God our Savior, Who alone is wise, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and forever. Amen.

HE'S SPEAKING TO ME!!!! He's kicking me in the ass and telling me that He is still here, molding me, reminding me that I have free-will, but He is always there to help me.
I had to drive past the hotel awhile later and go to the town that usually causes me to spiral a bit, still. I was unmoved. Her image didn't stir up anger deep in my gut. I only felt loved by God and grateful for His grace and admonishment. I know this may not last permanently, but I choose to believe that it is a MAJOR step in the right direction on my healing journey. I have faith that God is moving and He wants me to DANCE! He loves me and He spoke to me... Today, for the first time in years, I experienced peace and joy...

Last day of work... Summer Vacation!!! I made it through the school year and I did a pretty fine job! My students excelled in ways that not many expected. I had a classroom full of beautiful and very needy kids and I LOVE every one of them. They worked hard and we were a team and they are ready to fly from my nest!!
I have to deal with her again next year. I am hoping that will get easier. Most days it is just fine, but sometimes when I'm REALLY tired or emotional... it's not so easy. Sometimes I even feel like I must be crazy and I just can't stand to think about doing this anymore.
I was just contacted by a betrayed woman who lives next door to the woman her husband betrayed her with. Her husband has left and the other woman is still with her husband. So, she gets to look out her window and be reminded every day. She also has to do it without her husband's support. I can't imagine...
Sometimes when I have a really bad day, B. will ask me if it would be easier to start over without him around reminding me of what he did to me and how much of my life has been affected. I usually just laugh (a sarcastic chuckle), because REALLY, I've spent over 20 years with this man. He has seeped into EVERY area of my life. I can't clean out a drawer in the entire house without being reminded of something that happened in our history together. And then there are the kids. They kind of remind me of him... Even the one that isn't biologically his...
I wish that God would provide really awesome jobs for both of us somewhere close by. I wish we could sell our house and move closer to Austin and NEVER look back. We would all love that, but it's pretty clear to me that that isn't His plan. I'm resigned to that. I wish I could clearly see what His goal is, but apparently that's not the deal. I feel beat up. I'm too tired to do more than submit. I'm also too gun-shy to step out in faith. I feel like I'm wasting time, but I'm not sure how to move forward. I've had so many people tell me how great I'm doing. I'm sure that SO much of that is due to God's will in my life, but the truth of the matter is that I seem to have lost any connection I used to have with Him. It feels like WAY too high a price to pay.

What do I want?...

Maybe that's the question I should be asking myself. Maybe I should REALLY try to figure out what that is...
The truth of the matter is that most woman don't have any idea what they want and almost as many lost sight of their needs a long time ago.
I met with my DE group last night at this beautiful lake house on Lake Travis. We spent the night. We went out to eat, made breakfast together, talked, laughed, prayed and honored each other. It was just the medicine my soul was longing for, but I stopped listening to my soul a long time ago. I knew that I had to force myself to go this weekend. I told myself that it was because I had to reclaim that part of my life. I can't be held prisoner to my fear of Bob betraying me again. I told him that after all I had given him, that if he chooses to risk losing me, again, then I know now that it's a hole in him that I can't fix and I will not blame myself for his bad choices. I was surprised by how difficult it was in some respects, and even more surprised that I was really able to relax and enjoy the women in my group. We share an intimacy that is rare. It's something I have never experienced before and felt so safe in. This is the stuff we long for, but always struggle to find time for or get so busy that we forget how it feeds us. I also am still struggling with reaching out for more time with them because I fear rejection and the distance makes a ready excuse for letting time pass without doing anything about it... Loneliness will be the end of me...