Revenge is mine sayeth The Lord...

Sometimes I want revenge so badly that I obsess over it. I have never felt like this before about someone. I know I'll never do anything about it. There are several reasons for this and most of them don't really help me much, nor are they terribly noble...

It's just wrong and I won't lower myself to that person's level.

I could cause a LOT of embarrassment for myself and my entire family if I was caught - especially if I had to go to jail!

I could cost my family a bunch of money that we simply don't have.

How would I look myself in the mirror?

Lord knows I already have a terrible time sleeping at night.

The one reason that I seem to come to most slowly (yes, I'm embarrassed to admit this) is that it isn't mine to avenge. It's God's to work through. That is the only reason that stops me in my tracks for any amount of time and gives me peace when I'm hurting and obsessing the most. I think I need to write it on my hand, because in my pain it's hard to remember this simple truth.

I'm waiting for some kind of justice - Tricia's idea of justice - and that's just ridiculous... I know - in my head, but my heart isn't always there... but it's there more than it used to be - So, that's good, right? The truth is, I have no idea how He is working in that person's life, but I trust that He's doing it in a MUCH better way than I can even begin to comprehend. I'm in awe of Grace - as a gift from Our Father... but I have this twisted idea that this person is only supposed to get it when s/he earns it - and what does THAT look like???... I must drive God crazy sometimes. I'm glad I'm not my kid!

Resting in His Grace and Trusting in His Plan are the ultimate in Joy and yet, I feel it slip through my slimy, self-righteous fingers more times than I care to admit!

Repeat after me: It's God's to work through...

and He will.

Mother's Day was so wonderful...

I finished writing my final exams for Monday after being served a yummy breakfast in bed - which was moved to the kitchen - of french toast with powdered sugar and LOTS of butter, eggs, cranberry juice and chai latte! It was mmmmmm..... I also got the MOST beautiful handmade card made with love!!

Writing the exams took MUCH longer than I thought they would, but I was very happy with the end result! We missed church, which made me pretty upset. When I was done, Bob said he was taking us out for dinner - any place I wanted to go... Well, that's pretty much a lose-lose, because I am just about the most indecisive person on Earth when it comes to what restaurant and then what item on the menu! It's ridiculous, I'm telling you. But we just drove... I asked Bob to go down Lamar, because I just knew something would hit me! And just about the time the kids were getting really frustrated with not knowing where we were going, IT HIT ME!!!

So, we went to Shady Grove on Barton Springs Road. I remembered that Rachael Ray went there on the show about Austin before we moved here and it was one of the few places on that list we hadn't hit, yet. Bob and I found the list in Aaron's chicken-scratch from over 3 years ago last week, so it was on my mind...

It was such a beautiful evening - after I laid into one of my kids for making fun of a certain group of people with tears in my eyes. The food is soooo cheap and good and very "austin" and yummy... The "Shady Thang" was a super delish drink and I enjoyed every sip of BOTH of them! After dinner Scott met us and we all walked around Austin and I wished we didn't have to go to work the next morning and that the night would never end...

I just hadn't written in a really long time and thought I would stop by to say, "Hi." So much has happened...

I'm not who I was before. I miss her a little, but mostly I'm trusting Him that I'll like this me better than the old one...

God is good...

I'll just have to wait, trust and see...

Here's the thing...

Here's the thing... I really don't mind if someone reads my posts if they have a blog that is public, also or if they identify themselves. I'm not okay with someone from the Grand Blanc area lurking, almost daily, around my blog and never identifying themselves. I have a site meter and it is a bit disturbing how many times this person comes to my site...
I'm deciding whether it's worth the trouble to investigate further - I don't want to get all wrapped up in this and I don't want to find out it's someone from NCC who won't just say "Hey" for some reason. So, just do me the courtesy of not lurking or say, "Hey" - okay?

You'll Aways Be My Babies...

I know it is such a cliche', but seriously, "Where did the time go?" I remember when I was pregnant with these young men. I had complete placenta previa. I was on total bedrest at home (with a 14 month old, by the way!) for about six weeks and then I passed a blood clot the size of a softball, so Bob rushed me to Hurley and I spent the next two months in a hospital bed. It was a huge time of growth for me with God. There was a problem with Caleb almost every other day. He never moved much - which is funny, if you know him now! I got to a point where I really thought he wasn't going to make it and I'd never get to know him here on Earth. I remember praying that God would see me through and use our tragedy for His glory. I wish I could hold on to that kind of faith all of the time....

I had to have an ultrasound every other day and sometime more often. Aaron would always be looking right at the camera! He was all eyes! He's still like that. He loves to have as much attention as possible. His love language is "words of affirmation" and you'd know that after spending 20 minutes with him. When he was pulled out of me during the emergency "c" section, he was biting on the umbilical cord. Bob just loves to tell that story.

My Caleb was all curled up and not breathing. They wouldn't let Bob see him because they had to rush him to the NICU. They lost me in the middle of the delivery because I had bled so much. This is what can happen with previa and I found out years later, I have extremely thin blood, so the odds were against me. They kept Bob out of the room until I was stable again and didn't tell us until the boys were taken down to the NICU. He stayed to reassure me for just a minute before going to be with Caleb and then I saw he was done for. I told the nurses and doctors in the delivery room that he was about to pass out and he said he was fine just before they got the chair behind him and he went DOWN!! Still, minutes later, he was on his way to be with Caleb and bring me back a report and some video.

I wasn't allowed to see either of the boys until I could walk on my own down to the NICU. I know that they were trying to inspire me to get up and heal, but honestly, holding my premature twin boys for ransom was just plain cruel. They found me on my hard, cold hospital room floor three times in the next 24 hours. I had tried to go see them and passed out every time! Finally, the next day my honey walked me down there and I couldn't get over how sweet my little frogs were. I wasn't used to having skinny babies!! Caleb was breathing on his own after 4 days, Aaron after one. They were so weak that we had to gavage (tube) feed them my pumped milk. It was awful to watch. Bob and I would spend all of our time trying to bond with the boys in this sterile enviroment. The nurses were wonderful, for the most part, but every once in a while one of them would start telling us all of the things that go wrong with premies. On the 5th day they sent me home without my babies. It was one of the worst days of my life. I didn't know how to feel. I hadn't been home in 2 1/2 months, Bob and the kids had been staying with my parents (45 minutes from the hospital), and I had lost so much blood, I looked and felt like death. Making the trek back and forth for the next 3 days was rough on all of us. On the 8th day they came and told us one of the boys could go home with us. We were sure it was Aaron, but they had found a "brain bleed" on Aaron's brain and it was Caleb they were sending home with us. The following day they told us we could take Aaron home only for the weekend (because we had so many kids and so much experience, they said it was okay - HA!!). I still remember Hannah was so excited each evening when we brought home new babies two nights in a row and on the third night she asked, "Where are the more babies, Mommy?" You gotta love that girl! Our church was asked to pray that his bleed would heal so we could keep him home and he wouldn't have developmental problems. On Monday his CAT Scan showed NO bleed at all. It had closed completely!

Both of our boys are miracles. Everytime I sing "Shout To The Lord," the line "I sing for joy at the work of Your hands" makes me think of what God did for us. What a miracle He did right in front of our eyes. Did I tell you that I had a amnio the day before I had them and the results showed that they probably wouldn't make it if they were born then?

They are smart, healthy, kind boys. I also happen to think they are the 2 of the 4 most handsome young men in the entire universe. I'm so glad God chose to bless us with Caleb and Aaron on February 1st in 1995.

Their voices are changing... I love that and I hate that. They seem so grown up when that happens. They are just about to pass me up in height. There is something comforting in having your "big" son hug you, but sad that you can't pull him up into your lap and make everything okay anymore. I want them to be good men. I want them to respect themselves, their friends and the women they like/love. I pray they become all that God sees in them. I want them to live and love with abandon and to get hurt as little as possible... I'm their mom, I'm allowed to wish for that...

My Heart, Set Free

"In the process of forgiving, tiny little drops of understanding and even compassion come your way. Take them. They are God's way of letting you off the hook. Some of the conclusions we come to in the pain of being wronged are simply not accurate. Perhaps in seeing the other person's sin and weakness clearly, with some measure of empathy, God is whispering in your ear: "You really are not the unwanted... unloved... unvalued woman you thought you were." Paula Rinehart in Strong Women, Soft Hearts

This spoke to my heart in such a powerful way. It's funny to me (not in a "ha-ha" sort of way, but in a "curious and amazing" sort of way) that I just blogged about how much I struggle with thinking I have any value and then I start reading this book and He tells me just what I need to hear and KNOW.

I want to be who He wants me to be and I can't be that unless I quit trying to do the stuff He's supposed to do and start doing the things He leads me to do. I also can't forgive people until I see them as having insecurities and hurts instead of simply mean.

It kind of feels like I'm growing up all over again.

I hope we do it better this time!

Parched and Barren

I'm struggling, again, with my depression. I don't know how to just shake it and I'm afraid to just give in to it. The smallest decisions are overwhelming me. My beautiful twins are going to be 14 this weekend and I'm struggling to muster up... anything...

The black just overtakes sometimes and nothing feels like I know it anymore. I can't remember how to just be happy. It's too hard to find the joy in the simple things I found joy in just three days ago. How does this happen to me? How do I crawl out of this pit, yet again?

How do I find my self again? It's all too overwhelming. I feel so guilty that I waste days feeling like this when there is so much to be grateful for. People are counting on me, so I try to do what must be done, but I'm not really there and it just exhausts me.

Lord, please rescue me from this desert.

Confessions of a Martyr...

Girlfriends are SO important. There are so few women who get this, or at least very few who honor it. We tend to have our little circle of friends and then throw other women right under the bus when push comes to shove or when a good gossip session comes along or anything equally important. Sometimes, we even throw the women closest to us under that bus! It's a sisterhood that can make or break us.

I have some friends who are very important to me. I haven't told them HOW important they are or how much I need them because I'm afraid of being inconvenient or a burden. If I'm completely honest, I'm really terrified that they will turn tail and run or just not honor my need for them if I express it. I mean, what do you do if you tell your friend how much you need them during this season of your life and they don't respond in love? If you constantly tell people that you understand that they can't be there for you or offer their time, etc. and then they don't, you can tell yourself that it's because you told them not to. RIGHT?? You don't have to risk your heart.

And a little piece of you dies because you have another confirmation that you aren't loveable if you're not "on" and satan revels in the moment. Sure, people tell you how strong you are and how supportive you are, blah, blah, blah... But, you aren't being honest. You aren't letting yourself be known. This martyr crap is for the birds. Besides, what are you teaching your children? I see mine creating the same kind of relationship/martyr crud I've modeled for them and I am so NOT okay with that! What are you saying about your friends' character? Who do you think you are that you are supposed to put on a strong, pleasant smile, say everything is okay when it isn't, counsel her about her troubles, and then resent that nobody ever helps you through your crap?

I'm going to tell my friend that I need her. Because I really do. She may not be able to come out here and see me, but I'm not going to pretend I am not disappointed. I do understand if she can't do it (her hubby is laid off and MI's economy is bad right now), but I want her to make the decision because she has all of the facts. I want to honor our friendship because it's honorable and she deserves the truth. I can handle her decision either way, but I can see now that it's not a rejection of me. I know she loves me - even the really ugly me.

My counselor says that I need to start asking for the things I really want. She says I need to pray about what that is because I've forgotten along the way and I don't even know what I really want right now. I want my friends to know the real me. I want to tell the few women who have shown me honor and love that I value them and that they've made a difference in my life. I want my daughter to learn to honor other women and not engage in the catty, bitchy insecure stuff so many of us are drawn into. I want my sons to see women as strong, loving, intelligent human beings with real feelings and needs. I want my husband and my children to see the REAL me, even in this brokeness. I feel a little like I'm stepping out onto the water. I know my feet are going to get a little wet, but my faith is growing. I don't want to be afraid and never really know. I want to know - taking joy in the good things that come of that and experience giving and accepting grace in the "bad" of it.

His Ways...

Big question of the day: Can I really trust God if I don't fully believe He loves me?

Nope, and therein lies the problem. My big, bad wolf is that I don't believe anyone can love me unconditionally - even the Big Guy. Deep down I have always believed that I'm not worth loving that way. The thing is, is that to trust someone kind of requires that you need some proof, and proof only comes when you go through junk together. And sometimes when you go through the junk, the way you go through it or come out of it, isn't the way it happens in the movies.

His ways are not mine.
I know that sounds cliche', but it's still true.

I understand that sometimes terrible accidents happen, cancer or other terrible illnesses strike, financial junk, etc., but what about when all of the people you've come to trust and depend upon choose to pull away just when you need them most? What about being the "strong" one that everyone leaned on and when, for the first time in your life, you need to do the leaning, your inner circle disintegrates? What do you do when the person closest to you steals your reality when you are at your lowest point? What about when you cry out to God and beg Him to be real to you and help you through this awful extended darkness and you hear nothing... for years? What about when you start to "feel" Him again and things are getting so great and then you find out you were right... No one can really love you sacrificially? Do you fold? Do you try to trust Him after He just let all this horrible shit happen to you? Can you believe He loves you?

His ways are not my ways.
Sometimes the most painful experiences are the only things that create trust and force us to accept His love.

I used to be really irritated by this woman who lived in my old neighborhood, went to our old church and had a son who was friends with my twins. She never did anything with abandon. She was kind of a Stepford wife, you know? She got a new car every other year and she alternated between white and tan. Her house was all painted beige. She never risked anything. She always seemed a little afraid of everything. She would ask our mutual (seeking) friends what their doctrine was and junk like that when they didn't even know if they wanted to visit a church or not and probably didn't know or care what doctrine was. She drove me crazy! I remember wondering why everywhere I lived or spent time, God always placed one of "those" people in my path.

We are all one of "those" people to some extent. Some of us just hide it better than others, some don't hide it at all, some don't even realize there is a problem, nor do they want to. Some of us have looked the things we fear the most, right in the eye, and survived because of His love and we just trust Him a little more than we used to.
I had gotten so good at believing my life was so good, especially compared to what it was before I was a believer, that I was afraid to not be grateful enough or to appear to be less than a "good christian" wife, mother, daughter, woman, etc. I was especially careful to make it all look good to my "unbelieving family members" and anyone in any of the christian groups I led. Besides if I let down my guard, they would probably reject me and I'd have to face that they didn't love me if I wasn't "on". I told myself that it was all okay and God would probably even bless it because I was trying to make Him look good. If my life wasn't full of love and patience, then what would people think of Jesus, since I was always giving Him all the glory? I didn't trust Him to love me just as I was. I didn't trust anyone to love me just as I was and after almost 20 years of that I was SO Fk'ing tired that I couldn't just fall back into His arms. I didn't know how to fall back. I was too busy trying to hold up the wall I had constructed. Why did I do that? How do I make sense of the past 20 years of my life? So much of it was a lie. So much of it was beige...
I feel like I'm waking from a dream. I'm ready to be who He wants me to be, and not because I'm so strong or wise now, but because I'm too tired to go back to the old way and I refuse to stand in bitterness and stagnation. He has something really awesome in store for my life and I am terrified and excited all at once. I am ready to take a baby step or two because I really want His way to be my way...

Kid, You Sing My Song...

The Captain and Tennille were adorable - but I never heard them sing. Hmmmm....

We were Alison Krause and her lead guitarist, Dan Tyminski. Bob thought it was high time I was in the limelight and he backed me up. Nobody got it, but we thought we were hilarious! Our kids were mildly disgusted with our mutual back patting and giggling over our ingenious costume idea!

Tina Turner (Cheryl) brought the house down - and back-up singers weren't too shabby, either

Mark's birthday party was a hoot! The costumes were big fun and the karaoke was sweet!!! Bonnie Raitt (Stacy) and Bob Marley (Clay) were cuddling up together. Stacy actually dyed her hair to look like Bonnie - now that's dedication!!

Liza Minelli (Ginny), Pat Benatar (Kelly) and Cyndi Lauper (Leslie) were all very sexy!

Our birthday boy, George Michaels (Mark) looked awesome and did a few nice duets with Willie (Trey).