Ahhh, Segues...

Dreading tomorrow... Wondering how things will get turned around. Preparing to have to defend myself... Pissed off at the ironic injustice of all of this...
Feeling like I'm under a microscope and people are waiting to see why I deserve this or why I'm not a "good" person.
Which brings me to this thought that has been swirling around in my head since my d-day. Initially I felt convicted about my own past judgement of other people in "this" situation. Have you ever noticed that when people don't really know the betrayed spouse or they don't care for them or even when they're jealous of them and then they find out about the betrayal, people tend to reason out why it happened to the betrayed person? Often I think it's because we want to feel like it can't happen to us. If we can justify what the betrayed person did to "deserve" that and we don't do the same thing, we reason that it won't happen to us, that we are "safe." It's no wonder the betrayed person feels so embarrassed when they have absolutely NO reason to. The world looks at you as if you must really lack in some area. I can tell you I have struggled with the reasoning part of this whole deal forever. We have always had a fantastic sexual relationship. I am an intelligent, funny, attractive and caring woman. Of course I have my faults, but in the wife department, I am right up there. I could not fill all of the holes my Honey had in his heart and his life. God knows I tried for two decades, but one day all of my spinning plates hit the ground and he chose to leave me in all of the broken glass and desperately tried to find anyone he could to fill his emptiness. I wish people understood how this can happen. It would make a difference in how we raise our kids, I think.
As I lead this group for betrayed spouses (almost all women), it is interesting to me how many things we all have in common. Almost every woman was a supermom kind of personality. We all made life easier for our husbands and our children. Our husbands went to work and drove the car on weekends to taxi us around to the places we planned for family time on the weekends and holidays. The husbands showed up, but they were never fully present - They never had to be. We were so busy being great wives and making it so easy for them to show up, that they were never invested more than they had to be. And since they are human, they didn't give anymore than they had to. Many of the wives were so involved in their kids' lives that they had let their husbands fall by the wayside, but not most of them. Most of them almost killed themselves trying to be everything to everyone and eventually lost themselves on the journey. I think the hardest thing for me when I work with these ladies is when I encounter someone that sees that this is clearly the path to destruction and is still terrified to do it any differently. They have put themselves in the position of being someone their husband depends on and they are so afraid if they aren't there for him in that way, he'll find someone else who will do it for him and really leave. And to be honest, that is what happened to me. When I couldn't bring up food everytime he beckoned, dress up pretty for get-togethers and be the life of the party, etc., he found someone who told him how awesome he was all of the time, brought him food at work and showed up at his band jobs to tell him he was a rock star. It's easy to look from the outside and see that if this is why you think he sticks around, who the hell needs him? But when you have 20 years invested, with several children, all of the memories that go with that, a mortgage, and your own dreams put to sleep for a couple of decades, it's a whole different complicated animal. I'm there now, but it's been a long painful road. I had to be honest about the entire "why" of it all. I didn't just become superwoman for no reason. It was so much easier to be my Honey's and our kids' cheerleader, taxi driver, counselor, comforter,etc. than it was to pursue my dreams and risk putting myself out there. It's an evil trap, setting yourself up to be superwoman. Eventually, your kids and husband all really believe that making them happy, etc. is your only purpose and that they deserve it. And the ugly truth is, it's nobody's fault but your own. Think about how many woman sit around complaining about all they do and how little they get for it. Who asked us to? And how are we painting the future for our kids?
I know there is a fine line between being a self-centered woman and being an independent woman who embraces who God made her to be. I am struggling with being a good mom & wife and being creative. Since I started writing this blog (about 20 minutes ago) my husband has asked me 2 questions, all 3 of my younger kids have asked me 2 or more questions each. When I tell them I'm writing, they impatiently tell me "Okay," but they are not really okay. It's still hard for them to not have me drop everything the minute they beckon. My Banana girl gets it the most. My Honey usually has his feelings hurt and then when I remind him, he not only encourages me, but he runs interference for me.
I am fighting for me. I am working hard to be truly authentic. I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I've ever been. I find that the new people I meet like me more than new acquaintances used to, but a lot of my old family members are less comfortable with me than ever. I'm more comfortable with me than before, so I don't really give it too much thought. If they don't like who I really am, then it's okay with me if they don't want to waste their time with me. That sounds harsher than it is meant to sound. I'm just not willing to attempt the superwoman thing anymore because that would mean I'd lose myself again... And I can't ever go back there.

Grace and the Doormat

Hmmmm.... Where to begin. After meeting with C. last week, she told me that I needed to stand up for myself with her when she does her borderline shit like coming into my classroom in a belligerant manner or elbowing/pushing me in the hall as she walks by or leaves my name off the birthday announcements... And I realize that one of the reasons I'm so exhausted is that I'm bottling this all up again in the name of being a good Christian. So, she comes into my room on Wednesday in the middle of our science lesson and just starts questioning one of my babies. It was inappropriate and unnecessary, but she would probably do that to almost any teacher in the school because she doesn't have normal social skills. So, I let it go...
Thursday morning after I pick my students up from the computer lab and they are all lined up at the corner (near the restrooms), she comes walking out of the bathroom area, looks at me and walks into my left side - with enough force that she turns me a quarter turn. I turn the rest of the way, say, "Excuse me?" To which she shakes her head and continues into the library. An hour later, I ask my Honey what to do with that and I pray about it. I decide the best way to handle it is to go to the librarian, her boss and buddy, because then she'll keep her as calm as possible and hopefully get the point across without all of the drama.
When I went to her, she was VERY understanding, told me that every time she leaves the library, she tells her to stay away from me and not to get fired because she is such a hothead. She tells me that she can't believe she acts the way she does when she is the one who did this to me. She also tells me that she knows I could have herfired. I tell her that I don't want that I was just hoping she could tell her to leave me alone and that we need to be professional and that's all. I explain that I don't think it's a good idea to confront it myself because of her personality and that is the only reason I am coming to her.
40 minutes later, the librarian is at my door, interrupting my math lesson. She asks me to come into the hall, I ask her if she is alone and when she says she is, I agree. She then proceeds to tell me that my "story" doesn't align with the other person's. I say I'm not at all surprised. She says she doesn't remember even seeing me today. The librarian tells me that she will do or say whatever she has to to keep her as her assistant. She tells me she knows that I could have her fired and I interrupt her and say, "I came to you so that you could just address it. I don't want to get anyone fired or make a big deal out of this. I just want her to stop bothering me." She tells me she doesn't really know me enough to know if I am being honest, but she is sure she has never lied to her and they have a history. -Inside I'm laughing because she isn't really trying to tell me that she trusts the adulterer more than me in this situation, is she? But outside I'm just telling her that I'm not surprised and if that's all, I have a class to teach. I'm also wondering why this was important enough to interupt my class when school is out in about an hour. I'm also feeling really screwed over, but not terribly surprised...
A few minutes later a parent brings in a book that has been long overdue. I email the principal that I have gotten it and then I ask her if she can meet with me for a minute after school. This little tidbit is what saves my ass.
As I'm getting my babies bundled up and lined up to leave, my principal, G., comes in and tells me that she needs to meet with me after school. I ask her what it is about and she nods her head and mouths the other woman's last name. I ask if she and the librarian will be there. She responds, "Yes." I then tell her I will not participate. She tells me that she needs to get things straight and she wants us to sign a contract. I tell her that she will not add insult to my injury. She is a bit shocked and says it has to be done and I say that if this is the way things work, then I'm not so sure I'm staying. She walks out for 3 seconds, comes back in, hugs me and says, "Why won't you come to me about all of this stuff?" I start to get emotional in front of my class. I tell her I refuse to be a tattle-tale or a victim and then I tell her I can't do this now when my babies will be upset by it. I let her know that I did email her because I felt like I had to protect myself and that I must have been right since they ran to her. When my students all leave, G. comes in and I tell her how tired I am of all this. I tell her I was trying to do this as biblically as possible. I knew I couldn't go to her, so I went to her friend. I wasn't trying to get anyone in serious trouble, but I was trying to draw a line. I told her I felt like them going to her was totally f'ed up. She told me that they were untrustworthy women, and they backstabbed each other all of the time. She said the librarian is so lazy that she needs the other one there to do everything - and she is a workhorse, I know that. We have a good heart to heart. She tells me that I don't have to meet with them. That she will meet with the other one alone tomorrow and the report will come from my point of view. She also tells me that she told her that her husband believes that Bob works somewhere else and is scared to have him find out different. I'm sure this is a lie, but I'm not sure what her goal is, yet.
Friday the librarian is gone. G. comes in the morning to see how I'm doing. She comes down to library to make sure nothing happens while I check a book out. In the afternoon a few people invite us to go out for a drink after work. We get there and guess who is there? And one of only 3 people at the time... It's a bit uncomfortable, but mostly when her 16 year old shows up for a little while. She keeps telling everyone that she is leaving. Pretty soon it looks like she does and then the waitress comes over and tells 3 other teachers that the other lady would like them to join her in the bar area! Unbelievable! We go over to another teacher's house for a little while and come home.
My Honey and I go to bed, things get intimate, I have an insecure moment and start asking him about the last time I went to MI. Instead of being understanding, he lets me know that I have embarrassed him and ruined the evening. He says that he knows it is his fault, but that he doesn't want to do "this." I tell him that I'm feeling really insecure, but he's upset and turns away from me and goes to sleep. I fall asleep after awhile, but then I wake up at 2. I lay in bed, all of the negative stuff going through my head. A little after 4 I decide to go up to the school to get my plans for the week finished. I ask him for his code to get into the school. He tells me he'll talk. Basically I tell him I'm tired of sitting in the junk of his selfishness until he feels guilty enough to talk to me or until I've explained how incredibly wrong he is and how alone I feel EVERY time this shit happens. He apologizes and tells me AGAIN how he doesn't seem to make the right choices. He knows how hard that must be for me, etc. etc. Saying the words that take responsibility, but not really taking any. Telling me he doesn't want me to be so unhappy - like he's helpless to change anything. Like he's sacrificing by telling me that he understands that I can't stay in this marriage. I think I truly hate him when he gives me that bullshit. It disgusts me on a level I can't describe. If you love something, set it free... such bullshit... So, I told him I'd go and see an attorney next week. He then asked me if this was what I really wanted. NO, what I really want is for you to see my pain - especially when you caused it - and put my needs before your selfish desires. But, that apparently isn't going to happen. Because really, if it hasn't by now, after all of the crap we've been through, I'm not really expecting improvement.
I've been pondering this all morning. I'm all about grace. But I put up with so much for so long that now I get stuck in this place of not settling or putting up with what I did before in the name of grace, in the name of not expecting perfection, in the name of being thankful for what I did have, etc. I want to find the place where I have healthy boundaries. You know that place where you extend grace, you receive grace and you're not a doormat?... Is there such a place? Are f'ed up people like me able to find it? Will I even know it when I get there?

Wormwood, I presume...

I've been struggling for the longest time with the whole issue of forgiveness. I really want to get to a place where I can forgive her. I've been trying to get there and frustrated as all heck because I can't even hear God anymore... I haven't really for years...and I can't get there by myself. I've put all of this pressure on myself to do the right thing so that my kids will see a good example... so that my husband will think I'm "good"... so that God will see I'm "good"... because that's what Christians do, darn it and I'm a good Christian... And honestly, I believe that it's what He wants from me and on some level I REALLY trust His ways. Bob and I met with C., our recovery leader for our affair recovery ministry at church, today. When she asked when we wanted to start the next group, I told her I was in a bad place and we should probably wait a little while. I got pretty emotional, so Bob tried to explain where I'm at right now. He has a hard time believing that I'm not angry with him anymore and that, for the most part, I've forgiven him.
I explained that I don't trust myself anymore. Out of everything that I lost in this tragedy, the most devastating for me has been that I don't trust my feelings, my instincts, my relationship with God. Did I ever really hear His voice? Was I ever in His will? Does He even really exist? Did He try to protect me while my husband was kicking my broken spirit after I told him I'd follow him anywhere because I was absolutely sure God told me to submit to Him and my husband? Did I know that he was betraying me with her? Did I just not want to deal with it? Did I really trust him completely? Was I that stupid? Is it stupid to trust the person you pledged your faithfulness to? All of those times I was sure He was telling me to humble myself before my husband when he was being abusive, who was I really hearing? How did I convince myself that I had such a great marriage when it was clearly NOT a good marriage? Why does the church encourage women to do this? Why did I think I had to lie to our children and everyone else? Why did I think I had to protect God this way? I constantly asked Him to lead me, to show me, to grow me and I thought all of that was happening and now it feels like it was all some sick, twisted joke - a long, painful 20 year joke on me. It feels like the biggest part of my life was a lie and even though I knew it was a little stepford wifey in my heart of hearts, mostly I believed the lie, hook, line and sinker.
So, now I haven't heard much from Jesus in years. I've been calling out to Him off and on during most of the past several years. Sometimes I feel guilty because I know He has blessed us. I can list so many blessings that it would take me more than a day to tell you all of them. I feel a little ashamed. But not enough to get rid of my anger toward God or pretend it's not there. I know He's big enough, but I wonder if He's getting tired of this taking me so darned long. I picture Him being just a little more than disgusted with me when I have the life that I've always wanted now. Of course, do I? -Or am I just going along with the charade again? I'm just so lonely and the longer He's quiet, the more I try to figure out why He's punishing me for such a long time. I wonder what I did that was SO freaking terrible that He would be silent for so long. It's like I keep trying to put the same wrong key in the same lock and I keep getting the same results, but I can't fathom how to do it any differently and when I ask the landlord, he just looks away. So, I never get in and no one will tell me why. And sometimes it feels like "she" is inside relaxing with a cool drink.
C. says I don't have to forgive her until God shows me how. My only responsibility is to keep myself open to God's will - and not the forced one that my impatience brings to the surface every now and then. I worry that I will never hear from Him again. I worry that I will end up a bitter old person like my father is. Those are the lies satan whispers in my ear. He also tells me it will be all my fault if my kids, especially Hannah, don't love God and try to live in His will. The irony is that satan can take the smallest truth, like that I have to forgive her, and make it into all this other junk that distracts me from God's will and keeps me chasing the right thing in the wrong direction. It's no wonder I'm so exhausted all of the time...

Happy Burfday...

This has been one heck of a week! It was my birthday on Wednesday. Each morning at school the older kids do a little morning news show that is broadcast into all of our classrooms. They do the weather, the pledges, the fundraiser stuff, awards, and the birthdays of all of the students and teachers. Now just guess who is in charge of the birthday announcement list? My favorite library assistant... So, you know what happened, right? All of my little babies are all excited to hear it announced -they get that way every time someone in our class has a birthday - and they simply say, "There are NO birthdays today!" One of my little guys asked me if I was sure it was my birthday! Hannah was in my classroom helping. She stood up, went down to the library and told the Librarian (not HER) that it was my birthday. SHE huffed and slammed around a little, to which Hannah asked, "Is there a problem?" The librarian said she was sorry and that they would announce it tomorrow. Hannah was so proud of herself for speaking up. I think after all of the times she's been "borderline" with us and we've been too in shock to react, it felt good to stand up and put it in her court! Anyway, that wasn't enough, my daughter then went to her daddy's classroom and asked him to make an announcement over the PA while she watched his classroom! I could tell he was a little uncomfortable, but the new him won out over the old one and he made the most endearing and hilarious birthday announcement ever! Every teacher and almost all of the students wished me a happy birthday that day. It was truly wonderful! She's been seething ever since!
I get really caught up in trying not to be petty, which I know most of my really christiany friends would tell me, but the truth of the matter is, I need to take my life back. It's okay to not just lie down and take it like some kind of doormat! I've been humiliated enough and it's okay to expect to get the little things that everyone else gets without her trying to be a bitch to me all of the time. It continues to befuddle me why she acts the injured party. She was the aggressive one, she has done this numerous times, she has her kids and marriage back. How is it she feels the victim? I have refused to become the victim in this situation, but PLEASE!... Where does she even begin to think like that?
Anyway... it's been an exhausting week back. I got 3 new students in two days and two of them are handfuls! I'm still not used to going to bed early and not sleeping in until I just happen to wake up. I'm going to bed early tonight and then I'm sleeping in as long as possible! We have nothing to do except church this entire weekend! I'm so looking forward to down time! We are so short on cash that celebrating my birthday was kind of out of the question, but in a couple of weeks we're going out to dinner, just my Honey and I. Once I'm rested, I can't wait for a night out with that man! He made me the most wonderful Powerpoint birthday card! It made me cry... I am loved. I am blessed...

and the beat goes on...

We went to a birthday party last night. Actually our kids were the guests, but we're friends with the parents, so we hung out in the house while the kids "partied" outside by the chimenea. I tried to have a good time. The other couple that stayed are very nice, but a bit too traditional Christians for my bitter old self, sometimes. No one here really knows about our "hell" except for the people we counsel and the people who have counselled us. So, sometimes it feels like we aren't "known" - you know? It feels like we're a lie almost. It's not as awful as it sounds, really, just sometimes I miss true good friends that know your junk and love you deeply.
I feel like I can't even tell anyone about B and W (yesterday's blog) because I'm SO freaking emotional about it and I'll give myself away...
I'm having a hard time dealing with this. I don't know why it's so intense. I kept B up until 4 o'clock this morning just hashing and rehashing the tragedy of it all and then going over our history this past 3 or 4 years. Revisiting how completely alone I felt and then having to deal with the reality that nothing is secure - still. I have this rerun in my head of our youngest, A, mishearing something I said about his dad about 2 years ago. He said, "Did you say divorce?" I laughed and said, "No! I would NEVER say anything about divorce and your dad, EVER!" I remember feeling grateful, looking up toward heaven, whispering a "Thank You" and knowing that what I said was completely true. B and I loved each other so deeply and had been through so much together, that I was sure we would be together forever and a day...
I know at this point you are probably saying, "But you are together, right?" And we are, but we came so close to losing it all. It all happened before I even knew what hit me. I really believed on some level that my marriage was GREAT. I think the thing that has most affected me is not trusting myself anymore. I don't trust my "feelings" or my beliefs anymore. I don't trust much about my life. Even when I feel like it's all good, like we're in a great place, something like B and W just throws me into a tailspin. I know my husband thinks logically I should see we chose to stay together and honor each other and that things are better than they've ever been. I know that, but the past years have affected my logic and my heart...
I want to work through this, see how it could never happen to us and then put it on a nice "move on" shelf in the "security" closet...

a blast from the past...

I found an old friend on facebook today. It's her birthday and I woke up thinking about her. She lived a sort of tough life. Her parents took awhile getting their act together and she had a bit of a wild period when we were in high school. When we found each other a few years after graduating I was thrilled that she was very "settled" down with a man she obviously adored and who felt the same way about her. We kept in touch over the years and I loved that they were so affectionate and had such a solid marriage. They have three kids, she was very close to his family and even nursed her mil through a terminal illness, as I remember. They were always saving for their retirement. She worked like crazy until they had kids and then she stayed home with them until they were all in upper elementary. She went to work right around the corner from their house. She was very frugile, but they made time for each other and they were great parents. They were a very traditional family. She took care of their home, for the most part, and W worked hard and brought home the bacon. A few years before we moved to Texas, she called and told me that they had sold their house in Swartz Creek and had decided to move up north to be closer to his family before their kids got too old to move away from friends. We lost each other for a while...
We sent messages back and forth on fb all day today trying to catch up with each other's lives. When I asked how she and W were enjoying Boyne City, she told me that they had divorced 5 or 6 years ago and that it was a very UGLY divorce. I'm profoundly sad about this. I would've bet money on their marriage making it and flourishing...
She told me that as she read my wall on fb and looked at my pictures, she was moved by how much B and I obviously adore each other. I told her we had just gone through our own hell for a few years and that we appreciate each other more because of all we experienced, but that it wasn't all pretty.
How do we just let go of 20 or more years of history with someone?, especially when we share kids, holiday memories, weddings, deaths, illnesses, vacations, laughter, joy, intimacies...I just can't wrap my head around this. What the heck is the point? I can't imagine the pain the two of them must have experienced. He's already remarried. She lives with her boyfriend. I'm sad. I'm thankful for my husband, my marriage. I'm thankful that we got a second chance and choose to honor each other every day. Sometimes when this kind of stuff comes into my journey I worry that we'll forget or lose our way again. I'm so tired of being on shaky ground.