Wormwood, I presume...

I've been struggling for the longest time with the whole issue of forgiveness. I really want to get to a place where I can forgive her. I've been trying to get there and frustrated as all heck because I can't even hear God anymore... I haven't really for years...and I can't get there by myself. I've put all of this pressure on myself to do the right thing so that my kids will see a good example... so that my husband will think I'm "good"... so that God will see I'm "good"... because that's what Christians do, darn it and I'm a good Christian... And honestly, I believe that it's what He wants from me and on some level I REALLY trust His ways. Bob and I met with C., our recovery leader for our affair recovery ministry at church, today. When she asked when we wanted to start the next group, I told her I was in a bad place and we should probably wait a little while. I got pretty emotional, so Bob tried to explain where I'm at right now. He has a hard time believing that I'm not angry with him anymore and that, for the most part, I've forgiven him.
I explained that I don't trust myself anymore. Out of everything that I lost in this tragedy, the most devastating for me has been that I don't trust my feelings, my instincts, my relationship with God. Did I ever really hear His voice? Was I ever in His will? Does He even really exist? Did He try to protect me while my husband was kicking my broken spirit after I told him I'd follow him anywhere because I was absolutely sure God told me to submit to Him and my husband? Did I know that he was betraying me with her? Did I just not want to deal with it? Did I really trust him completely? Was I that stupid? Is it stupid to trust the person you pledged your faithfulness to? All of those times I was sure He was telling me to humble myself before my husband when he was being abusive, who was I really hearing? How did I convince myself that I had such a great marriage when it was clearly NOT a good marriage? Why does the church encourage women to do this? Why did I think I had to lie to our children and everyone else? Why did I think I had to protect God this way? I constantly asked Him to lead me, to show me, to grow me and I thought all of that was happening and now it feels like it was all some sick, twisted joke - a long, painful 20 year joke on me. It feels like the biggest part of my life was a lie and even though I knew it was a little stepford wifey in my heart of hearts, mostly I believed the lie, hook, line and sinker.
So, now I haven't heard much from Jesus in years. I've been calling out to Him off and on during most of the past several years. Sometimes I feel guilty because I know He has blessed us. I can list so many blessings that it would take me more than a day to tell you all of them. I feel a little ashamed. But not enough to get rid of my anger toward God or pretend it's not there. I know He's big enough, but I wonder if He's getting tired of this taking me so darned long. I picture Him being just a little more than disgusted with me when I have the life that I've always wanted now. Of course, do I? -Or am I just going along with the charade again? I'm just so lonely and the longer He's quiet, the more I try to figure out why He's punishing me for such a long time. I wonder what I did that was SO freaking terrible that He would be silent for so long. It's like I keep trying to put the same wrong key in the same lock and I keep getting the same results, but I can't fathom how to do it any differently and when I ask the landlord, he just looks away. So, I never get in and no one will tell me why. And sometimes it feels like "she" is inside relaxing with a cool drink.
C. says I don't have to forgive her until God shows me how. My only responsibility is to keep myself open to God's will - and not the forced one that my impatience brings to the surface every now and then. I worry that I will never hear from Him again. I worry that I will end up a bitter old person like my father is. Those are the lies satan whispers in my ear. He also tells me it will be all my fault if my kids, especially Hannah, don't love God and try to live in His will. The irony is that satan can take the smallest truth, like that I have to forgive her, and make it into all this other junk that distracts me from God's will and keeps me chasing the right thing in the wrong direction. It's no wonder I'm so exhausted all of the time...