and the beat goes on...

We went to a birthday party last night. Actually our kids were the guests, but we're friends with the parents, so we hung out in the house while the kids "partied" outside by the chimenea. I tried to have a good time. The other couple that stayed are very nice, but a bit too traditional Christians for my bitter old self, sometimes. No one here really knows about our "hell" except for the people we counsel and the people who have counselled us. So, sometimes it feels like we aren't "known" - you know? It feels like we're a lie almost. It's not as awful as it sounds, really, just sometimes I miss true good friends that know your junk and love you deeply.
I feel like I can't even tell anyone about B and W (yesterday's blog) because I'm SO freaking emotional about it and I'll give myself away...
I'm having a hard time dealing with this. I don't know why it's so intense. I kept B up until 4 o'clock this morning just hashing and rehashing the tragedy of it all and then going over our history this past 3 or 4 years. Revisiting how completely alone I felt and then having to deal with the reality that nothing is secure - still. I have this rerun in my head of our youngest, A, mishearing something I said about his dad about 2 years ago. He said, "Did you say divorce?" I laughed and said, "No! I would NEVER say anything about divorce and your dad, EVER!" I remember feeling grateful, looking up toward heaven, whispering a "Thank You" and knowing that what I said was completely true. B and I loved each other so deeply and had been through so much together, that I was sure we would be together forever and a day...
I know at this point you are probably saying, "But you are together, right?" And we are, but we came so close to losing it all. It all happened before I even knew what hit me. I really believed on some level that my marriage was GREAT. I think the thing that has most affected me is not trusting myself anymore. I don't trust my "feelings" or my beliefs anymore. I don't trust much about my life. Even when I feel like it's all good, like we're in a great place, something like B and W just throws me into a tailspin. I know my husband thinks logically I should see we chose to stay together and honor each other and that things are better than they've ever been. I know that, but the past years have affected my logic and my heart...
I want to work through this, see how it could never happen to us and then put it on a nice "move on" shelf in the "security" closet...