Okay, so 2008 was TRULY the WORST year of my life. Like in '94 my dad and two of my brothers were each in terrible accidents all in February and then I lost my dear, sweet, spicy Grandma in October and then I almost lost Caleb and Aaron and had to be on bedrest for 3 months and almost died giving birth, but THIS year made that seem like a cake walk!
I didn't think I would be able to hope ever again. I spent some time looking for a way to sleep permanently... I wanted to care how it would affect my kids, but I just couldn't. I prayed, but was convinced that God couldn't love me if He could allow me to be hurt so deeply after all the shit I had already been through and just when I was getting on my feet again. I still struggle a bit with that...
But it's 2009 and things are clearer. I've had to take a really good honest look at my life and see it for what it was. I'm still in a million pieces all over the place, but Bob says he'll help me pick up the pieces and a good friend reminded me today that some of those pieces weren't so great anyway and maybe I'm better off without them. That made me feel so much better.
I've decided that 2008 was just a chapter of my story, it doesn't define who I am and it sure as hell isn't the whole novel!
I'm trying to not be afraid of how well satan knows me and figured out how to attack me and the people I love the most in this world. I'm going to try and remember that, in the long run, this has been a blessing. Not the road I would've chosen, for sure, but maybe the only way to really prune me closer to what God sees in me. Humility is a beautiful bitter pill...
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