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Saturday, December 26, 2009

Wow... It's been a really long time!



I miss writing... more than I can say... I have a full time job now. I'm teaching kindergarten, two doors down from my hubby, down the hall from her... The job came just as we were trying to figure out how to keep a roof over our kids heads and a month after I asked my Honey to turn down a job that would've gotten him out of this school system and away from her. God told me to. I wasn't happy about it - AT ALL - but I submitted. Completely at a loss about the why of it, but I felt peace, aside from a little bit of stomping my feet and telling Him I'd been through enough already, so I cautiously followed His lead. My Honey thought I was downright insane and I think he was even a little bit miffed, but we talk now - like really talk, so he was in complete agreement when he heard my heart - especially since he knows how difficult it is for me to trust and follow God.

A week or so later a position opened up at a different school in our hometown that my Honey was perfectly qualified for. We got so excited. We were sure that God was opening doors and offering me some mercy. Then we found out that a young woman just out of college was already hired and that most of the administration had been told about my husband's "mistakes" last year. This all happened two days before my interview to substitute teach. So, in my interview I was asked, point-blank, if I thought I could behave professionally if I worked in the same building as her. Somehow God gave my the strength to not even tear up or let my lip quiver and I responded so well that his response was, "Touche' Mrs. O., touche.'" He then asked why I didn't teach full time because he was so impressed with my college transcript and my letters of rec. That part felt great! I walked out of that interview, got into my car, completely broke down, drove home, told my Honey how angry I was with him. He told me how much he loved me, how sorry he is, how proud he is of me and then I told him how God took care of me during the whole thing. Grace is such a gorgeous gift...

I then subbed for 4 days. The principal kept dropping in on me. I started to get nervous, but on the 3rd day, she walked in and asked why I wasn't teaching full time when it was SO obvious that I was meant to do it?! I told her I was thinking about teaching the following year when Hannah has her license, etc. She called me the following evening and asked if I would take a full time position the following day... Hmmm...

We're pretty sure God orchestrated all of this. I'm not saying it isn't a major pain in the ass to have to deal with her bipolar self every flippin' day, but I kind of feel like God has put my healing into 4th gear. It's been especially painful and accelerated. I still can't say I understand why he has this phenomenally intimate relationship with Jesus when he was a pretty crappy dad and husband for 19 years and was one of the most narcissistic people I've ever known, while I feel unsure of God's love and sometimes even His reality after I felt SO close to Him for such a long time. I know I have entitlement issues. I also know that if I pretend to feel any other way, I won't really heal and I won't show my kids the truth. He has gone through this with me and He has given me a husband that I only dreamed of. He has made him into a father for our children that I respect and want to follow, but there is still this part of me that can't believe this happened to me, to all of us. I am so humiliated, ashamed and even indignant about this. I was a great wife. I REALLY tried to follow God in my marriage and in my parenting. I can't believe this was the only way to bring him to YOU! Sometimes it sucks being a God follower! I know this was about him, but the world and she doesn't know that. Sometimes it gets exhausting holding my head up and being strong. I guess it's a good thing You're going through this with me... I couldn't do it on my own. I know that...

We've worked really hard this past 15 months to get to this beautiful place. I've forgiven him because You've helped me do that. You've brought other couples into our lives that we've helped. I can't believe THIS is how we're being used...

I'm choosing to forgive her. I know it's not really an option if I want to follow You. I have SUCH a long way to go... satan still has a piece of my heart and I want to take it back and give it to You, but I'm not there, yet. Sometimes it frightens me how much I loathe her... I mean she used my belief in You to get close to me, to hurt me, to try to take my life... Other times it amazes me that I choose to bless her and even empathize with her life... I know those times are because of You.

I really miss writing. Working full time, being a mom, a wife, and a friend takes a lot of my time. It's easy to let time pass and ignore the thing that feeds my soul. One of the lessons I learned through all of this pain was that I spent the past 20 years hiding behind being a good wife and a good mom so that I didn't have to take chances and put my self out there, so Lord, please help me to become who and what You want me to be. Don't let this blessing get in the way of that. Help me to find You again, in me... please.

1 comment:

Our Family said...

i really still can't believe that this even happened. all i can do is continue to pray for you both.

i pray she goes somewhere else.

i'm glad you're writing again.

i love you.