So....
Just before Christmas the 3rd grade bilingual teacher left - a whole other ridiculous story I should not get into. A new young, sharp woman without a teaching degree, but with a degree in Spanish was hired after two other people turned the job down. Now she's anglo, looks like a younger, more stylish version of me, so I tell my husband that I feel really threatened by her - especially because she's in the bilingual dept. with him and I know the other Mexican women will chew her up and spit her out, so he will feel protective. We are both like this, but we can't afford to be anymore, because all we can do is protect ourselves while I heal. He tells me he won't even talk to her unless it absolutely necessary and completely work related.
So, a few weeks ago they have a bilingual meeting and he reports to me that she asked him one question and he answered it very business-like and that was all there was to it. Then they had another bilingual meeting this past Monday. He told me a story about how he talked with the other teachers and aides at the meeting, but never mentioned her.
Wednesday evening we sat on the couch together and he said he wanted to check his email. As soon as he opened it, there was a reply email from the new teacher. The subject line said something about an mp3 of one of his songs. He immediately started down-playing the email. I stood up and started screaming (with my daughter in the room, btw), "Are you fucking kidding me?" He tries to explain through my ranting that she asked to hear one of his recordings after the other bilingual staff introduced him as the resident musician and so he told her he would send her one.
I storm off to the bedroom and he follows. He keeps trying to justify why it wasn't anything. He says he should've been more sensitive. He says she means nothing to him and I scream how little I care about that. Our kids hear everything through the walls, the ceiling, the vents... I am SO fucking mad that at one point I tell him how much I want to hurt him. I tell him that at this point I want a divorce. That I can't imagine sweeping this under the rug and setting that example for our daughter.
He tries to talk to H and each time he minimizes his role in the whole thing, she completely throws it back in his lap and tells him to man up and take responsibility for his actions. He tries to explain things to me again and I just keep explaining to him how ridiculous his reasoning is.
I realize how much I've changed this past 16 months. I am not blaming myself or trying to figure out where I am lacking. I completely get that he has a problem. I also totally see that this is how the other started. He wasn't interested in her for any other reason than she told him how great she thought he was all of the time. When they all started talking about him being an awesome singer/musician, he saw the chance of getting a little of his drug of choice - her compliments - and he chose to throw me and my transparent fear under the bus. He understood how much pain it would cause me and still he took the chance.
Now, I know there are people who think this is a minor infraction. The other 500-plus times this happened, pre-betrayal, I would've (and did) agree with that determination. It is so abundantly clear to me that my husband is truly a bottomless well and he will do whatever he has to to feel full for the 40.2 seconds a compliment lasts. I have run interference all of our marriage because this is a familiar dance. When I couldn't emotionally be on my toes, the wrong person stepped into the picture and my weak husband chose to be led to the slaughter. I refuse to run interference any longer. It got old a LONG, LONG time ago. He doesn't feel safe anymore. I don't really want to invest anymore into this marriage only to find out that he'll repeat this in another year or two. I can see that he is hugely remorseful. He has taken responsibility for hiding it from me and knowing that he made that choice because he justified how strong I am now and that he knew she doesn't mean anything to him.
I have never been as happy and felt as loved as I have this past year - I know that sounds crazy considering that this was all a result of the worst betrayal I've ever experienced. I have no doubt that he is madly in love with me in ways he never has been before. I know he isn't attracted to her. I know he had no motive other than receiving praise for his talents.
I feel like I am suffering from split personality disorder. I cannot imagine divorcing this man. I love him deeply, completely, humbly. He is my best friend, my partner, my confidant, the father of my children, my memory sharer, my future co-conspirator, my hero, my comedian. When I think of telling him about how insecure I felt about her after he betrayed me and that weeks later he secretly sent her a copy of his song for her approval, I feel like I can't spend one more minute in this marriage.
The irony is that he is my best friend. This means that I feel completely alone right now. Our kids are reasonably messed up. I was sure H. would tell me to leave him. She thinks I should take some time, see our marriage counselor, and consider giving him another chance. The boys agree. I want to do what is right for as many people as possible. I am trying to decide what my bottom line is...
I wish more than anything, right now, that I would stop trying to fix this as fast as possible and that I could just be prayerful and wait on Him.
I told B. the day before this happened that I finally knew how much he loved me and that I knew he would pick me. Then that afternoon, as I drove to get our lunch, I prayed that God would help me to not be so hard on B and not let my need to know that he was sorry (and have that lead to reassurance that he would honor me) lead to me dissing him and God in bitterness. I told God that I wanted to be close to Him again and that I wanted to truly be authentic. I feel so foolish. I'm trying to not be pissed at God. It really does feel like every time I start to stand up, I am KNOCKED right on my ass. I know that satan has a hand in this. Bob has really been growing close to God. He realized a few weeks ago that he had let his relationship go a bit and he had really been spending time with Him again. But it feels like ultimately my husband chose to discard my fragile emotional state for a compliment.
Where does that fall in the "bottom-line" area?
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