Broken...

How does God take all of your pain - and I mean the kind that makes you not want to go on, even when you think about your children - and suddenly take it away and replace it with deep abiding love? I mean I've been sitting in pain that was dibilitating for 2 1/2 years and I finally got back on my feet and He's been leading me along and then BAM!!!! Something happened that made the last two years look like a booger and I honestly didn't want to go on. I cried out to Him and told Him how mad I was at Him for allowing this to happen to me after everything else I've experienced. I'm telling you, I didn't think I was going to make it through. And then, as I had to face my worst fear, He lifted my pain, my fear and He gave me this joy, this love and this trust that I haven't experienced EVER. I feel like He woke me up! I remember who I am and I can even see my sin, my part in all of this. He's doing a huge work in me. I know the painful part isn't over, yet, but I'm seeing the fruit of what I've gone through this past few years and I'm growing a kind of faith that I've never had before. I can't get over how broken I am and how good it feels...

Snowball Effect...

Lezlie's dad passed away... I was able to see Lez and spend a really nice afternoon with her when I went back to drive to Texas with Scott. God really works things out when I rest in Him and don't screw it up.

Duncan was in the hospital last week because his esophagus burst. He could've died. They said he could've easily bled to death and it was a miracle Pam got to him in time. Bob and I hated not being there - but I'm so glad God was there and I'm sooooo glad Duncan is home now and he's feeling better. He and Pam have had a couple of years of TOO MUCH CRAP. You know what I mean? She is in remission from her breast cancer after a long, hard recovery. Ashley's beau's brother just had a terrible accident. NCC falling apart really took its toll on their family. I just want them to be blessed with rest and joy for a while. God will work it all out.

Scott is here. It's been an adjustment for all of us. I know he's lonely. He appreciates his brothers and sister a lot more now and they adore him - but he needs some buddies to hang out on 6th Street with. He signed up for the 60-60 Soul Revolution at our church yesterday. I was so surprised and pleased. He went to church with us very begrudgingly and I knew I was pushing him a bit when I approached him, but I had prayed like crazy and really believed God was helping me. So I said, "You know, Honey. If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always gotten. I think it's only 2 months and it's once a week. At worst you'll meet some guys your age and learn something. At best... who knows?" So, he said, "Okay." Honestly, you could've knocked me over with a feather. But I put on my cool, nonchalant mom face and asked him what color timer he wanted. God works it out, doesn't He?

Epiphanies in the night

Epiphanies are good things. Sometimes they slowly sink in after the initial BAM!

I'm going to be okay. A huge part of my life is being turned upside down. I choose not to put it back on the shelf where it looks much better than it really is, but to let it fall and crash on the floor. Somebody else can pick it up. It's not really mine anyway.

Integrity is much more valuable than we so often recognize. I don't think we give it it's due. Being able to look yourself in the mirror and live with yourself without any regrets of motive is HUGE!!

I'm glad God still speaks to me. After the past couple of years, I wasn't so sure. I try to put Him in a human box, but His awesome love just won't fit there, and I am so thankful. He's giving me peace and reminding me that I have worth. I know I'll forget that over the next several months of this painful journey I'm about to go on, but He wants me to write this to remind myself not only that He really loves me and I'm worth something as His child, but to remind myself that He'll remind me when I need it again...

Love is patient, Love is kind, It does not...

This is the man that I love more than any other human being anywhere. He really gets me and that is soooo rare. I get him, too. He thinks that is just amazing. He thinks I have a gift - I do, it's his love. My life with him is secure. I know that sounds boring, but we've done the wild and crazy passionate thing (and still have our moments!). Our trials and our day-to-day junk has made this something I know I can count on. That means something to me. It's what gave me the courage to leave everything I've ever known and move to a state I spent 2 days in once (Dallas). He makes me laugh more than anyone, even when I don't want to. His sense of humor has gotten me/us through some biggies in this life. God knew I needed his perspective. He knew he would balance me out (most of the time) and help me get over myself and see life for what it is. Of course, he drives me completely crazy sometimes. I already have 5 kids and I want him to be the other parent instead of a 6th child, but it really isn't the end of the world, in the whole scheme of things.
We have been through step-kids, ex-spouses, in-laws, different cultures, my depression, living apart for 6 months (Texas/Michigan), huge financial struggles, working for my brother, living with my parents, almost losing the twins, almost losing me, almost losing him, Scott's rebellion (drugs, guns, etc.), Jordan's rebellion (ugh!), my surgery, homeschooling, Scott's epilepsy, moving across the county, and so much more. I'm so glad I get to do this life with him. I try so hard to not take that for granted, but I know I do sometimes. I know I'm a pain in his easy-going ass so much of the time. That's where his sense of humor balances things out!
HAPPY 19th ANNIVERSARY, HONEY!!! I REALLY LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART!!!

Our Princess is 15!!!

Oh my word! She's 15! We went to see "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" today - Just the 2 of us. It was so fun. When Carmen's (America Ferrara) mom explains to her how it felt to become her mom, I just started sobbing and shaking my head "yes." It's so important to have good women in your life. I so want to be that for my daughter. She doesn't have a best friend here. It makes me so sad for her. She had the same best friend from infancy until 6th grade and then things went horribly wrong. Hannah just saw her for the first time this summer while we were in Michigan. She said a small part of her was sad, but mostly, she knew she had made the right decision to pull away from her. I used to constantly fret about her not having a very best friend, but I see how strong she is and how NOT desperate she is for a best friend. She has lots of friends (mostly boys), but she is very careful with her heart. I can see now that this is how God wants it and she feels that way, too, even though I know she is sad that she doesn't have that one special friend to share her secrets with.

She got about 5,000 Happy Birthday wishes on Facebook and she is thrilled beyond measure! Both of her big brothers called her today, wished her a happy birthday, and told her they love her! They're 21 and 22, I think that's pretty good that they called without me reminding them! We bought her a new cell phone: the Rumor ... what the heck kinda name is that??? Bob brought her roses. He's such a good dad. I love that he helps her set the bar so high! We also went out for pie/cake at City Cafe in downtown Elgin. It's our family tradition now. They have the best tasting fresh made pies (that are a mile high) of any I've ever seen.

When we went up to the counter to pay the bill, Hannah asked the waitress if they were hiring and how old you had to be to work there. The girl told her that they are hiring and 16 is the magic number. Hannah then told her she is homeschooled and available during the day, so they gave her an application. The manager and the waitress couldn't believe she was only 15! I'm so proud of her. She wants a job so bad, she can taste it. She wants to get that car of hers on the road by next September and get texting on her new phone!

I remember when she was born. She was purple and SO Hairy! Her hair was JET black. We all called her our little Eskimo Baby. I woke up around 3 a.m. and as I straddled Bob to get to the bathroom, my water broke! I just froze. Poor Bob! He sprung into action and got Scott taken care of and me to the hospital in about 45 minutes - and we lived in Swartz Creek then. She was a posterior birth, so it hurt like a mutha, but it was so quick (less than 2 hours). Bob fell instantly in-love, as did his entire family of almost ALL men! Jordan and Scott just adored her, until she was about 2 1/2 - then they told us how to parent her better! She was so spoiled. We all called her "The Princess" - Grandma O still calls her that everytime she calls! I remember when she told me she wanted to be the Queen, not the Princess and I told her that mommy is the Queen in our family. She was so NOT okay with that answer! We had so many outfits for her when she was born, that I had to go to the store every other week for a year just to exchange to a bigger size because she couldn't wear them all. She was my "Monter Baby" because she would do this funny nose crinkle, snorting thing when she was playing with me and I thought she was trying to be a scary monster! She was forever leaning to one side and in perfect pitch, sing, "I....." and Bob would sing the Barney song to her, "I love you. You love me...." Where did the time go? Now she sings in Italian for state competitions and I can rarely choose an outfit for her without hearing that she doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but that whatever I chose is a little too "mommy-ish" for her, she hardly ever snorts - unless something is REALLY funny! She is stilled pretty spoiled, but I'm okay with that. She still krinkes her nose in that adorable little way sometimes...

I love you sooooo much, my Hannah Girl. You are still and forever will be my favorite girl in the entire universe!! Happy Birthday!!!

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. ~Bill Cosby, Fatherhood, 1986

I'm flying out in a couple weeks to Michigan. Scott is coming to Texas to live with us and I'm driving back with him. Yeah, I know I said I wouldn't make the drive again, but for him I will. I have such mixed feelings about it. Ultimately, I want him to move out here and meet the woman of his dreams, marry her and live reasonably close so that I can be a grandma to my grandbabies and have Scott in our lives on a daily basis. Until then, the day-to-day of him living with us again is a little exhausting! He and I have a not-so-healthy relationship sometimes. I tend to make everything okay for him and he tends to take advantage of it. We talked about that last week, really openly, and that makes me feel much better. He's also been living with his "father" for the past 2 years and I'm hoping that things have shifted some, but I know that it's awfully easy to slip into the old routine. I've asked some friends here to hold me accountable when they see me slipping. I hope they can do it and I hope I listen...

Scott called me today. He had a pretty big seizure this morning and when he fell out of bed, he hit his head on something and has a big knot on his forehead. The ironic thing is that he made an appointment with his neurologist this morning because he could tell his meds weren't working as well, and he had to miss it because he couldn't drive there and his "father" wouldn't take him. I hate that I'm not there when this junk happens. I hate that when I call to see how he's doing, his "father" tells me how lazy he is because he's been sleeping all day... He had a seizure. Seizures wipe you out. It's normal to sleep a lot the next day... UGGGHHHH!!!

Finding that place where I can be his mom and still let him grow up is so frickin' hard for me. I feel so protective of him, but sometimes that comes off as me not believing in him to him - at least subconsciously. Do you know how hard it is to worry every time your child gets in the shower that he could seize and fall and REALLY hurt himself? Or to watch him get in the car and wonder if you're going to get a call from the police or the hospital that he's had an accident and is hurt, hurt other people or worse? Or to not really sleep because every little sound could be him hitting the wall to let you know he's about to seize and he says he knows you're there when you come and it comforts him - and you have to get there before the other kids, because it's too much for them to witness? Or to look your child in the eyes and appear calm and confident, saying, "It's okay, I'm right here. You are breathing just fine. It's okay," while he seizes and inside you are really dying and wondering what you did to make him like this or how you can just make it STOP? It's exhausting. It's heart-breaking. It's our life, or at least a big part of it.

I so want my baby here with us. I just wish I could rest in God more. I can't find that place where I can relax. I know that sounds self-centered, but it overwhelms me sometimes. I wish I could be one of those really strong women that just makes everything okay. This thing is too big for me. I guess I have to let God be the one in control. I really hate that... I really love it, too. Being a mom is so hard. You just don't really know until you know, do you? I wouldn't trade it for the world!

sadness...

I have two friends from early childhood, Lezlie and Jude. We all moved out to Byron (podunk) from Detroit (metropolis) in 2nd grade. We had the usual drama of who was REALLY best friends with who - leaving one of us out - and we've grown apart and close again and again through the years. I worked so hard at NOT being the one left out when we were younger and I was definitely the one who was not a sweetie. Once I convinced Lezlie that it would be hilarious to push Judy down this HUGE snowy hill because the two of them were definitely becoming best friends and I thought that would take care of that problem... It did, for about 2 hours. A few years ago when I was with Jude in the pre-op room for breast cancer, she started telling everyone that walked through the room (medical staff, included) the story of how mean I was in 3rd grade! It was so awful and so funny! I really love that girl!!
When we were in (I think) 5th grade, Lezlie found out she had SEVERE scoliosis. She has had more surgeries than I can count. About 90% of her bones in her back have been replaced with metal. Whenever she had surgery she would be in a body cast for months. Not many people would visit her and when we got older, very few men stuck around. It has been long and difficult for her in so many ways.
Lezlie and Judy aren't close anymore, but I keep them both updated. When things are tough, Judy will contact Lezlie and offer her love and support. Judy is married and has two beautiful daughters. Lezlie has never married and doesn't have any children. She is very close to her parents, especially her mom.
Judy lost her mom this past November to cancer. It was so sad. I didn't know her mom really well. Her parents divorced when we were young and she decided to live with her dad. I call him, "Dad." That man is a saint the way he put up with us every weekend as teenagers! Nobody cussed as cutely as that man! He has Alzheimer's now. It's been a tough road for him and Judy. Anyway, I flew home for the funeral and loved on Jude as much as time and circumstance permitted. She led her momma to the Lord before she passed away. She spent so much time with her before she died. She is one of those people who you want there when it is one of those times...
Lezlie called a few days ago. Her dad has hepatitis and he's dying. They say it could be just a few days now. That man has been making me laugh since I was 6 years old. He is so sweet and funny. Lezlie is the apple of his eye. He also has the coolest tattoos on his knuckles that I have ever seen! This past year, the hep. has affected his mind and he's been unkind to Lezlie. She is so angry with him. I'm worried about how that will affect her when he's gone. I worry about how not having God in their lives will affect all of them. My relationship with Lezlie is so complicated. She made it clear last week that she expects me to be at the funeral. I've been calling her and she's not returning my calls - not unusual. If she needs me, she will really need me. If she doesn't, I could fly home and she may not return my calls the whole time. I don't know what to do. These are the important moments, but leaving my family, missing work, affording a ticket, etc. are all harsh realities for me now. We won't recover financially for a while after the whole owning 2 houses for almost 2 years ordeal! Not to mention, going to Michigan for 2 funerals and a wedding in the past 8 months hasn't been kind to the wallet!
I have been struggling with this for days and I can't seem to make a decision - of course, not having communication with Lez, isn't really helping. My oldest son, Scott, berated me the other day. He asked me if Lez would do the same for me... she might, she might not. I'm okay with that. We have our own junk. Isn't this whole relationship thing about accepting people where they are. I mean, if you can't, then say so and exit stage left, but if you can, then you go from there. I don't mean to say doormatting it is okay. I just mean accept limitations - God knows, I have plenty of my own! Scott keeps saying that if you don't have the money, you don't have the money and a friend understands that. Ahhh, to be young again. I love that boy!
I don't know... I think I was hoping that writing it down would make it clearer.

Waiting....

Waiting....

Nope... that didn't do it.

Hope floats...

You know, I just got some really good news from one of my faithful and very hurting friends in Michigan. As a matter of fact, I've gotten a few little nuggets during the past weeks. It is truly amazing to me how God works and it's even more amazing (in a "I'm so disappointed in myself" kind of way) to me that I seem to forget how to do things the "right" way with Him.
Since things sort of fell apart at NCC and we all sort of followed suit, it is always bittersweet when we get together. Bob and I have taken the kids back twice and I've flown back 2 other times and each time Michele, Barry, Pam, Duncan, Connie and Dave have all made time for us. It feels so good to be with them, but we've all been hurting so much that mostly what we talk about is how much we are all struggling just to make it through each day and how bad we feel that we are setting such a horrible example for our kids. This last time we spent the first 3 days at Michele and Barry's, the next 3 in Charlevoix for the wedding, my parent's for a day and then Bob's parents' for the last 3 days. Pam was in Texas, but Michele and Connie drove (2 hours) to Adrian to see us at Bob's parents' and were gracious enough to go to church with us that evening. Connie and I talked about how apathetic we were both feeling and how sad we were about it before we left for church. I told both of them we didn't have to go, that we could stay home with the boys and that would be fine, but they knew how happy my in-loves would be if we all went, so we went.
The church is this old, kinda musty-smelling, Mexican church with about 35 members on a good Sunday. Bob's mom and dad were married there 50 + years ago and they renewed their vows there several years ago with all of us as witnesses. It was beautiful - to us... Connie and Michele were so loving and accepting and it was fun to be in church with them again, but we all felt the emptiness. Then Bob had to sing "I Can Only Imagine" for his mom (I know, I know) and he couldn't remember the lyrics, so I snuck up to the first pew and mouthed the words until he was on solid ground. As I sat back, I was touched, just for a moment by the Holy Spirit, it was a breath of fresh air. Then I snuck back to the pew and Connie was standing up with tears in her eyes, telling me that we needed to go outside and talk NOW!!
The three of us went outside and Connie scolded us all for giving up on ourselves and each other. She said that she saw that I wanted to feel God's presence in my life and so did she and we needed to commit to praying for each other EVERY day and then emailing EVERY day to share it with each other. It was one of those moments when you know someone cares enough to throw you a rope and I wanted to be saved from myself, so I agreed and so did Michele. We asked Pam and Mary if they wanted to join us and now the 5 of us are praying for each other EVERY day. The funny thing to me is that it sounds so simple and I have developed a HUGE aversion to anecdotal christianity the past few years, but with this little mustard seed of faith and some prayer lifted up in love (and desperation) to God, really BIG, BIG things happen.
I'm so thankful that Connie listened to Him and had the courage to scold us and ask us to hold one another accountable. You know, she told us she knew we wouldn't do it for ourselves, but she knew we would do it for each other. She was right.
I'm also so thankful that I have friends who are faithful to me and lift me up, especially after the little I've had to offer them during the past 2 1/2 years.
Scott called me last week and wanted to know what happened because I sounded much better than I had in years. He has been asking me what is wrong for a very long time and I always tell him "Nothing" because it was just too exhausting and looooong an explanation to give and because I'm supposed to be the parent. I started telling him how much I had struggled with depression, church and all that "jazz" and he told me how worried he has been and how happy he is to hear ME again. That was great confirmation for me.
I'm learning to listen, again. I'm accepting His grace, cautiously - and He's okay with that. I'm feeling some joy and that is HUGE!!
When I get emails from my praying friends now they are filled with hope and such evidence of God working in their lives. It has been very healing for me. I know one of my character flaws is that I take on my friends' pain and I've been very angry that so many people from NCC that I love are hurting and are so disenfranchised. I've been so buried by that pain and I've felt so exhausted and helpless that I could barely function for way too long. Connie told me a few days ago that she could hear hope in my voice now. It's true...

What is that all about?

I have spent most of this week having some really wonderful conversations. You know the kind where when you hang the phone up, you cry a little because you are so thankful that God blessed you in this way and you almost feel a physical weight lifted from your shoulders that you didn't even realize was there? I had 3 of those this week - and I'm really happy, but I'm wiped out, too. I also had one really hurtful and shocking "conversation" and that was hard, but I did what I could and it's not mine to own. Part of this whole process is God showing me when it's His to pick up and mine to put down. I keep thinking that this is Bob's last week off and I want to do a couple more really fun summer things and I can't seem to move beyond my laptop (this blog, facebook and email), my copy of Brene' Brown's I thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't), and even my bedroom. What is that all about? I start out by telling myself that I'm going to get up in the morning and empty the dishwasher, throw in a load of laundry, make a decent breakfast and then we'll go somewhere fun and then I start thinking about getting ready for the lit. classes I'm teaching this year, getting everything ready for teaching my own kids, paying bills (there's the big bad wolf), looking at the fall schedule for everyone, and then I'm immobilized and I DO NOTHING. Isn't that the dumbest thing? I just want to buck up and move through.

Okay, I'm going to make blue moon smoothies (Caleb's favorite!)and throw a load of laundry in...

"Try as hard as we may for perfection, the net result of our labors is an amazing variety of imperfectness. We are surprised at our own versatility in being able to fail in so many different ways."

~Samuel McChord Crothers

The Last Supper and Dessert!

OKAY... So we're driving to Mark and Leslie's housewarming party and suddenly we are following THIS! I'm ashamed to say my children were mildly disgusted with how excited I was to take this picture. Hannah was very concerned that the people in the truck (and there were a whole bunch, let me tell ya) were watching me snap the pictures. I justified my actions by telling her that since they had put all that time (and cash) into it, they were probably okay with me appreciating it. Bob kept saying, " So, do you think they're Mexican? - Only in Texas, I swear!" - Bob can say this, he's Mexican.
So, we get to the house and they all decide to go play kickball - did I mention that it's 106 degrees outside? And by "they", I mean all of the people at the party who are NOT from Michigan. Now, let me tell you, we have definitely acquired thinned blood since we moved here and can tolerate MUCH hotter temps, but 106 is 106, you know? I don't run unless one of my children is in danger of dying and I'm trying to make it there in time to save their life. I decided to be water girl and sit in the shade, handing out water to the victims of heat stroke. When we got back to the house, Mark grilled burgers and we just sat and relaxed in their great new house - very Austin! After a couple of hours and of course, just when we decide we have to get home, the kids (Cassie, you know who you are!) start "suggesting" we all go to Amy's Ice Cream and you know, I love myself some Amy's! Can you say "GRASSHOPPER" - with real mint liqueur? Mmmmmm... especially on a 106 degree day! I love summer. I wish it could go on forever...

I'm a band whore...

It's really strange to me that when things start to get better, EVERYTHING starts to get/look better. Bob has been trying so hard to "gel" with other musicians here and he has been confiding in me lately that it just isn't happening for him, in spite of the abundance of talent and venues. It's like when you keep going to church and don't find or feel any God there when you did just a couple of months ago. Our lives have been in such a funk and we have been in survival mode for so long that we forgot how to go anywhere else. It isn't that it hasn't been fun and we haven't had nice moments at various band jobs/gigs, but there have been so many "on" nights in the past, that when you don't experience that for YEARS, you start to feel so lost and sad. When you're as f'ed up as I've been for this long, you don't remember how to move past it and you're not really sure it's worth the effort to move at all. And then God starts to move and everything kind of shifts, and then you and your husband start to really "get each other" again. And Then... You have a GREAT night; the songs are on, the guys are in tune with each other, the crowd is ready for fun and my husband blossoms in it all. He was in rare beautiful form. He was funny, he was a show-off (in the most beautiful sense of the word), and he shined in a way I haven't seen in YEARS. There is this energy and love that goes from him to the audience and back again and again. God, I missed that. It was just pure and lovely fun that we got to share with so many people that we have come to love here.

And at the end of the night, Judy (the manager) told me not to worry about our tab. She told me that we bring in the biggest and kindest crowd that she has ever seen. She blessed me in a way that fed my soul. I know it sounds silly, but it was just good for my being.

This is the showing off part... isn't he fantastic? Stevie Ray's "Pride and Joy" solo without missing a note... It makes me want to take him home after the show...

The skaterboys...

Stacey, Me and Lesley...

Bob and some gorgeous fans...

Rusty (love this boy!)

Belle, Maddie, Hannah & Ashley

Beauty and My Beast...

Okay, how many people live in a place as cool as this? All through July and until August 9th at Zilker Park's outdoor theatre we can go see Beauty and the Beast for FREE!! Last summer we got to see My Favorite Year. It is summer at it's finest. Last summer Hannah made chicken alfredo, a beautiful salad, homemade bread and creme brulee and we had the most wonderful picnic. This year we made several dips, spreads, etc. and just snacked away. I think I could eat brie on a good cracker and some fruit and always be happy!

The performance is always excellent. The mix of people who attend is so Austin, that it makes me feel blessed to be part of this body. Everyone brings their blankets, beach chairs, coolers full of good food, some wine, beer, whatever and we're just one big happy family. I love when it's over that people stay and pick up every little bit of litter as though it's their own living room and there is always such good conversation. I love that we are in this place where people are more laid back, patient and kind. I don't mean to insult people in other places, it's just that there really are some differences based on locale.

Last Wednesday evening we went to "Blues on the Green" and watched Carolyn Wonderland. Last month we saw Asleep at the Wheel. I just kept looking at Bob and saying, "I Love Austin. This is livin'!.. I'm so glad we live here!" We pack the cooler full of yummy food and drinks, grab a couple chairs and a blanket and all we have to pay for is parking... 3 BUCKS... Can you beat it??!! The kids and I met the sweetest man. His daughter-in-love had just given birth to his first granddaughter. He had the most precious picture of her and he just beamed as he told us about her. A group of college aged "kids" sat in front of us and practiced what they obviously learned in the dance class they take together. Several people stopped by and took their picture. It was lovely. Men come in their suits after work, moms and their kids come straight from Barton Springs, couples come on dates all nervous and excited... such beauty...

I need a really good nap...

You know the kind of nap where your hubby gives you a full, no-strings attached, body massage and then you just fall asleep for 2 hours? I need one of those and then I need to wake up and not have my kitchen destroyed or my children doing exactly what I always tell them not to...

I know it's not going to happen, it's just that I like to dream about it occasionally. I just want to be taken care of for a little while and then I can dust myself off and be a good wife and mom again. I'm running on empty and it's not a pretty sight.

Well...

I'm going to go lay down by myself and try not to yell out at my children (who will probably be arguing or making messes) and get some rest...

Yaa, right...

From Penelope to Hannah...

Last night we watched "Penelope" and it was pretty darned good. It wasn't any "Little Miss Sunshine" or "Lars..." , but it was good. I want my kids to be self-empowered. I really hated Penelope's mom, Christine O'Hara, who always plays this part, but, then again, I was supposed to! Hannah is madly in love with James McAvoy right now, so we have to see everything with him in it. I can't believe how fast she is growing up. We had to go into Austin today for a meeting about a cooking club/class she's starting next month and on the way there, a 20-something year old (handsome) guy pulls up next to us and was doing everything he could to catch her eye! I wanted to yell, "Hey, she's 14, you freak!" , but instead I pointed him out to her and we laughed and he kept dodging cars to keep up with us, all the while waving to her, etc. She said it made her uncomfortable in front of me. I felt kind of disappointed. I mean I don't want to be one of those moms who relives my teen years through my daughter (or at all, thank you very much) and I definitely believe in being a mom first and her friend next, but I want her to embrace this part of herself and her life! I think it's big fun to get attention like that. It's part of being a woman. You know, as long as she doesn't look for it or depend on it, it's just a bonus, right? There is this other part of me, (yes, the cliche' part) that can't remember where the heck the time went. When did she grow up so much? She looks 18 or 20 , not 14! I hear it from people almost daily. She has been putting together her high school plan and it seems so much for her age and then I realize she is starting college classes in 1-2 years. She is so mature in some ways and then she freaks out over any "Dora" thing she sees or acts silly with her brothers like this....

and I realize she is only 14 and still my little girl - or at least part of her. I really like her. She has the best sense of humor, she loves to read classics, she loves all kinds of music (well, not all, but she hates the same ones I do, so that's good), she is so kind hearted, but not a doormat anymore, she loves nice guys (such a load off my mind!), she has the most beautiful, soulful voice when she sings and she really feels it, she always makes sure people feel part of things and not left out - I love that about her -, she is so artistic in so many ways, drawing, painting, clothing, hair, singing, playing piano, decorating, etc. She gets what's important most of the time. She loves and takes care of her brothers like another momma. Sometimes that bites her in the butt, but it's just who she is! Did I mention that she LOVES to cook and can do it like someone who spent a year in France or something. She is an artist in the kitchen... now if I could just get her to clean up after herself...

I wish I could slow down and REALLY spend some time with her; getting to know her better and making sure she knows how spectacular I think she is. Her love language is definitely "quality time" and I know I don't meet her needs. I want to do special girl things with her, but the practical side of me gets caught up in the day to day and it always seems like it will cost money that we just don't have. Wow, writing that down and reading it, makes it seem so lame! I need to REALLY work on that... She'll be gone before I know it. What's that thing that Sara Groves sings?... something like "at the end of your life, your relationships are all you've got." I just want to make sure I have a relationship with her that I've truly nurtured and treasured and I want her to know that I feel that way because of my actions, not because I say it. Right now I have to go because she's beating the crap out of her brother...

Sunday Morning...

Well, it's Sunday morning and we're not going to church... again. I've decided that I can keep going through the motions because it's the right thing to do or I can relax a little and see where He leads me. Going to Doxology this past year was good in a lot of ways, but leaving was difficult for our kids and I can't keep doing that to them. And since I can't really seem to hear God right now, I don't want to head out the door without any instruction from Him. Now that doesn't mean I'm not slightly panicked that our daughter is going into the 10th grade and has had a spiritually screwed up mom for most of her teen years, because I am. I was really hoping this would be like a classic sitcom and get all wrapped up nice and pretty, with an exceptionally nice bow on top, in about 30 minutes - including commercials. Unfortunately, God wants me to sit in this for a really loooooooong time, so I keep trying to remind myself that His time is perfect and He sees the big picture SO much better than I ever could.
We watched "Lars and the Real Girl" last night with the kids. Aaron asked what was wrong with Lars, in a kind of judgemental way and I said, "I could be like that." Sometimes I want to be like that. I love the message in that flick. I love that we are all just unique beautiful messes. I love the grace in that town. I want to be gracious like that, but sometimes I think my heart has gotten so hard, that I can't be nice anymore. I find myself looking for reasons to mistrust people before they hurt me. I find myself explaining to my kids why people aren't as wonderful as we think - how ugly is that? I'm having a hard time seeing how this could be good for my kids to see their mother as ... whatever I am right now. I want to be a good mom, is that too much to ask? Not perfect, but good most of the time. I'm ready for Bianca to die...

Is it time?...

Geez, it's been a long time. This is such a waste of my life and during such an important time in my kids' lives. I'm ready to be done with it, and move on. I wish it didn't mean so much painful, hard work. I'm not so tired anymore. It's good not to be completely overwhelmed by everything in my life. I know I am feeling better, because I haven't had much sleep for several nights now and I'm tired, but not "that kind" of tired. I've taken a couple of small babysteps and I'm mildly terrified, but I feel like I have no choice... If I just keep doing what I've been doing, I'm going to keep getting what I've been getting. It's time for a cool, cool change. I want my joy back. I have happiness in my life. I have NEVER loved a place like I love Austin. We can really "dance" here. We fit so well here and I know He brought us to this beautiful place. This has been an awesome summer, walking/running, Barton Springs, Zilker Theatre, Sno-Beach, it doesn't get much better than that. But I really miss God. I hate that when I hear people talk about Him, I just want to roll my eyes. I used to want to love on people because I felt His love and I couldn't wait to share it with anyone who would have me. Now I just want to be left alone and get through the day. ICK!! I'm ready to fight for my relationship with Him. I have no idea what that looks like anymore and I know if this goes wrong, I'm am absolutely NOT up to another 3 years of this crap, I just know I need to be better and move on. I'm ready to be done with this and figure out what the pruning was all about. At least I think I am...

Michigan - Week 2

We had a great time at my parent's house. This is on their back deck. Mandy brought over Abby, Kate & Conor. Bob hasn't seen them in 2 years and I haven't seen them in a year. They are beautiful kids. We also got to see Lexi and Tater-Bug. They always make me laugh. Eating on Grandpa & Grandma's deck with your cousins on a perfect summer day. It doesn't get much better than that!

I still can't believe that Michelle and Connie drove all the way to Adrian to see us again. We had such a great time. They even picked up McKenna, so she and Hannah could spend some time together. After church they asked if they could walk to the 7-11 for slurpies and after asking if they knew the way, the parents agreed to let them go. Well, thank God for cell phones, because they took a wrong turn and ended up by the PRISON (Cindy will have my head!). Michele went with this extraordinarily helpful and kind woman we met on the street and rescued them with a car meant for 4 people on a really good day. It was like being at the circus with the clowns all coming, non-stop, out of the teeny car when they got back - 8 of them. It was such a good laugh!!

Hannah and McKenna were so much more grown up - after the initial screaming when they saw each other. What beautiful girls!!

We didn't have a day that wasn't beautiful while we were in Michigan. It was incredible. The kids had such a nice time with Grandpa on the lake in Adrian. Bob, Mom, Rocket and I just sat on the shore enjoying the sunset. It was good for my soul. I love how the nicest times are so often FREE!!! Rocket was so happy in Adrian. He just made himself right at home!

Aaron had a fish on the line, but it got away... I saw it with my own eyes, after they all started freaking out on the pontoon!

Uncle Steve and Uncle Mike came over and spent the day with us on Wednesday. We even talked them into staying for church and Dad got to play with ALL of his boys that evening. It was lovely. A beautiful moment for Mom and Dad. When Hannah sang, too, they were in heaven.
I think my favorite part about this picture is that Caleb has a toothpick sticking out of his mouth. I just love this boy, with his doo-rag, his new earring, his bleached shirt (that he borrowed, in spite of the fact that we bought him several new, very cool shirts for the trip), and a toothpick hanging out his mouth!

We had such a nice time with Bob's parents. We missed being in Imlay with the house full of memories and the HUGE yard, but it was still home because it was with them. Dad is pastoring the old church there and they are reconnecting with lots of old friends. It's been really difficult for Mom, but she's standing by her man and I know God will bless her for that. She is one of the most loving people I know. I know lots of women have mothers-in-law that they don't really get along with. I count mine as one of the biggest blessings in my life. We have been through so much together and worked through it in such a way that unconditional love has just blossomed and grown between us. That doesn't mean that our different cultures, personalities, etc. don't drive each other crazy every once in a while, but love is never a question and because we don't just stuff it, it's pretty healthy. I am blessed.

Michigan - Picture Show

These are just some pictures of our time in Michigan. Lots of family time, good stuff.
Jordan, Brandon, Scott, & Shannon (Brandon's girlfriend)
We went to Bob's Uncle Joe and Aunt Bennie's home. Uncle Joe has terminal cancer. It was a bittersweet visit knowing it will probably be the last time we see him here.
Grampa & Scott... they sure do enjoy each other. They get each other in that rare blessed way. I'm so thankful for that.
Hannah and her Gramma. I'm so glad I got this picture. They are both so beautiful to me. I'm glad they like each other so much. I'm thankful that my kids got to see their family in Michigan this summer.

Michigan - Week 1

We spent the first few days with Barry, Michele and sweet Rory. Can you say P-E-R-F-E-C-T??? There are few places where my whole family feels so loved and relaxed. We didn't make any plans except to spend lots of time together. Pam & Duncan and Connie & Dave came over and we just ate, laughed and enjoyed catching up. It was just what we all needed. I don't know what people do without friends like these. They have sustained me these last few years.

My sweet girl sang "When You Say Nothing At All" with her daddy accompanying her on the guitar. Everyone literally went crazy with applause and cheering when she finished. It was a beautiful moment for her. She has a gift for singing that could only come from God!
Mr. and Mrs. Barclay Clarke!!! I really love these two. Their ceremony was so beautiful. They were married in Charlevoix at Castle Farms. The weather was perfect, the bride was absolutely gorgeous and the groom was emotional. It doesn't get much better than that. I always love how weddings cause Bob and I to reminisce about our wedding and our first few years of marriage. God, I really love that man!

Is this a vision or what? I cannot believe how beautiful our children are. They are so grown up! Try to ignore the bunny ears over Hannah's head! I am so thankful that we all got to spend so much time together this week. I miss my big boys more than I can say. It's so good when they all get together. The younger ones adore the older two and the older two are old enough to honor that. It really is one of life's blessings. I love my children.

Happy 4th of July!!

We had such a nice time with our friends last night. It was so laid back and fun. The fireworks were AWESOME!! There is nothing like good food, good drink, good conversation with great new friends. It's cause for being thankful. Bob's cousin, Kem, and his wife, Christina came over to Stacy and Clay's, too. It was nice to relax before our long trip to Michigan!

Which reminds me... I can't believe that I'm actually "on schedule" for our trip - that doesn't happen for me! The laundry is done, the animals are taken care of, the bills are all set, the house is in pretty good shape - especially rare - and the extras: gifts, cards, etc. are already packed. You know something is going to go wrong!! Maybe this is God's way of being merciful since the trip will be Very Expensive and LONG in our Little Car!!

Way too long...

I really want to find a good church again. It's like I'm so messed up that I can't find or won't let myself find... I don't know. This has been going on for years now... When does it get good again? I don't know that I could ever trust "church people" enough to invest myself again. I hate that I have become the "disenfranchised."
I want to want to love people again. I want to want to help people because I feel loved by and led by God to help them. I want to stop feeling like I'm such a baby and pull myself up and get over it!! Why can't I just do that? What is wrong with me? Lots of people have been through junk like this. I have been through lots of junk. Why is this crippling me so completely? I want to be used by you, Lord. I just don't hear You much anymore. I feel so far away. I feel like I'm failing my kids, but I don't know how to get past this and have passion and faith like I used to. I can't really discuss this with anyone. There's too much pain and I should really be over this by now... Too much never resolved and too much evidence that I really never meant anything to anyone...