Parched and Barren

I'm struggling, again, with my depression. I don't know how to just shake it and I'm afraid to just give in to it. The smallest decisions are overwhelming me. My beautiful twins are going to be 14 this weekend and I'm struggling to muster up... anything...

The black just overtakes sometimes and nothing feels like I know it anymore. I can't remember how to just be happy. It's too hard to find the joy in the simple things I found joy in just three days ago. How does this happen to me? How do I crawl out of this pit, yet again?

How do I find my self again? It's all too overwhelming. I feel so guilty that I waste days feeling like this when there is so much to be grateful for. People are counting on me, so I try to do what must be done, but I'm not really there and it just exhausts me.

Lord, please rescue me from this desert.

Confessions of a Martyr...

Girlfriends are SO important. There are so few women who get this, or at least very few who honor it. We tend to have our little circle of friends and then throw other women right under the bus when push comes to shove or when a good gossip session comes along or anything equally important. Sometimes, we even throw the women closest to us under that bus! It's a sisterhood that can make or break us.

I have some friends who are very important to me. I haven't told them HOW important they are or how much I need them because I'm afraid of being inconvenient or a burden. If I'm completely honest, I'm really terrified that they will turn tail and run or just not honor my need for them if I express it. I mean, what do you do if you tell your friend how much you need them during this season of your life and they don't respond in love? If you constantly tell people that you understand that they can't be there for you or offer their time, etc. and then they don't, you can tell yourself that it's because you told them not to. RIGHT?? You don't have to risk your heart.

And a little piece of you dies because you have another confirmation that you aren't loveable if you're not "on" and satan revels in the moment. Sure, people tell you how strong you are and how supportive you are, blah, blah, blah... But, you aren't being honest. You aren't letting yourself be known. This martyr crap is for the birds. Besides, what are you teaching your children? I see mine creating the same kind of relationship/martyr crud I've modeled for them and I am so NOT okay with that! What are you saying about your friends' character? Who do you think you are that you are supposed to put on a strong, pleasant smile, say everything is okay when it isn't, counsel her about her troubles, and then resent that nobody ever helps you through your crap?

I'm going to tell my friend that I need her. Because I really do. She may not be able to come out here and see me, but I'm not going to pretend I am not disappointed. I do understand if she can't do it (her hubby is laid off and MI's economy is bad right now), but I want her to make the decision because she has all of the facts. I want to honor our friendship because it's honorable and she deserves the truth. I can handle her decision either way, but I can see now that it's not a rejection of me. I know she loves me - even the really ugly me.

My counselor says that I need to start asking for the things I really want. She says I need to pray about what that is because I've forgotten along the way and I don't even know what I really want right now. I want my friends to know the real me. I want to tell the few women who have shown me honor and love that I value them and that they've made a difference in my life. I want my daughter to learn to honor other women and not engage in the catty, bitchy insecure stuff so many of us are drawn into. I want my sons to see women as strong, loving, intelligent human beings with real feelings and needs. I want my husband and my children to see the REAL me, even in this brokeness. I feel a little like I'm stepping out onto the water. I know my feet are going to get a little wet, but my faith is growing. I don't want to be afraid and never really know. I want to know - taking joy in the good things that come of that and experience giving and accepting grace in the "bad" of it.

His Ways...

Big question of the day: Can I really trust God if I don't fully believe He loves me?

Nope, and therein lies the problem. My big, bad wolf is that I don't believe anyone can love me unconditionally - even the Big Guy. Deep down I have always believed that I'm not worth loving that way. The thing is, is that to trust someone kind of requires that you need some proof, and proof only comes when you go through junk together. And sometimes when you go through the junk, the way you go through it or come out of it, isn't the way it happens in the movies.

His ways are not mine.
I know that sounds cliche', but it's still true.

I understand that sometimes terrible accidents happen, cancer or other terrible illnesses strike, financial junk, etc., but what about when all of the people you've come to trust and depend upon choose to pull away just when you need them most? What about being the "strong" one that everyone leaned on and when, for the first time in your life, you need to do the leaning, your inner circle disintegrates? What do you do when the person closest to you steals your reality when you are at your lowest point? What about when you cry out to God and beg Him to be real to you and help you through this awful extended darkness and you hear nothing... for years? What about when you start to "feel" Him again and things are getting so great and then you find out you were right... No one can really love you sacrificially? Do you fold? Do you try to trust Him after He just let all this horrible shit happen to you? Can you believe He loves you?

His ways are not my ways.
Sometimes the most painful experiences are the only things that create trust and force us to accept His love.

I used to be really irritated by this woman who lived in my old neighborhood, went to our old church and had a son who was friends with my twins. She never did anything with abandon. She was kind of a Stepford wife, you know? She got a new car every other year and she alternated between white and tan. Her house was all painted beige. She never risked anything. She always seemed a little afraid of everything. She would ask our mutual (seeking) friends what their doctrine was and junk like that when they didn't even know if they wanted to visit a church or not and probably didn't know or care what doctrine was. She drove me crazy! I remember wondering why everywhere I lived or spent time, God always placed one of "those" people in my path.

We are all one of "those" people to some extent. Some of us just hide it better than others, some don't hide it at all, some don't even realize there is a problem, nor do they want to. Some of us have looked the things we fear the most, right in the eye, and survived because of His love and we just trust Him a little more than we used to.
I had gotten so good at believing my life was so good, especially compared to what it was before I was a believer, that I was afraid to not be grateful enough or to appear to be less than a "good christian" wife, mother, daughter, woman, etc. I was especially careful to make it all look good to my "unbelieving family members" and anyone in any of the christian groups I led. Besides if I let down my guard, they would probably reject me and I'd have to face that they didn't love me if I wasn't "on". I told myself that it was all okay and God would probably even bless it because I was trying to make Him look good. If my life wasn't full of love and patience, then what would people think of Jesus, since I was always giving Him all the glory? I didn't trust Him to love me just as I was. I didn't trust anyone to love me just as I was and after almost 20 years of that I was SO Fk'ing tired that I couldn't just fall back into His arms. I didn't know how to fall back. I was too busy trying to hold up the wall I had constructed. Why did I do that? How do I make sense of the past 20 years of my life? So much of it was a lie. So much of it was beige...
I feel like I'm waking from a dream. I'm ready to be who He wants me to be, and not because I'm so strong or wise now, but because I'm too tired to go back to the old way and I refuse to stand in bitterness and stagnation. He has something really awesome in store for my life and I am terrified and excited all at once. I am ready to take a baby step or two because I really want His way to be my way...

Kid, You Sing My Song...

The Captain and Tennille were adorable - but I never heard them sing. Hmmmm....

We were Alison Krause and her lead guitarist, Dan Tyminski. Bob thought it was high time I was in the limelight and he backed me up. Nobody got it, but we thought we were hilarious! Our kids were mildly disgusted with our mutual back patting and giggling over our ingenious costume idea!

Tina Turner (Cheryl) brought the house down - and back-up singers weren't too shabby, either

Mark's birthday party was a hoot! The costumes were big fun and the karaoke was sweet!!! Bonnie Raitt (Stacy) and Bob Marley (Clay) were cuddling up together. Stacy actually dyed her hair to look like Bonnie - now that's dedication!!

Liza Minelli (Ginny), Pat Benatar (Kelly) and Cyndi Lauper (Leslie) were all very sexy!

Our birthday boy, George Michaels (Mark) looked awesome and did a few nice duets with Willie (Trey).

Out with the old...

Okay, so 2008 was TRULY the WORST year of my life. Like in '94 my dad and two of my brothers were each in terrible accidents all in February and then I lost my dear, sweet, spicy Grandma in October and then I almost lost Caleb and Aaron and had to be on bedrest for 3 months and almost died giving birth, but THIS year made that seem like a cake walk!

I didn't think I would be able to hope ever again. I spent some time looking for a way to sleep permanently... I wanted to care how it would affect my kids, but I just couldn't. I prayed, but was convinced that God couldn't love me if He could allow me to be hurt so deeply after all the shit I had already been through and just when I was getting on my feet again. I still struggle a bit with that...

But it's 2009 and things are clearer. I've had to take a really good honest look at my life and see it for what it was. I'm still in a million pieces all over the place, but Bob says he'll help me pick up the pieces and a good friend reminded me today that some of those pieces weren't so great anyway and maybe I'm better off without them. That made me feel so much better.

I've decided that 2008 was just a chapter of my story, it doesn't define who I am and it sure as hell isn't the whole novel!

I'm trying to not be afraid of how well satan knows me and figured out how to attack me and the people I love the most in this world. I'm going to try and remember that, in the long run, this has been a blessing. Not the road I would've chosen, for sure, but maybe the only way to really prune me closer to what God sees in me. Humility is a beautiful bitter pill...