My oldest brother called me last week to let me know that our father was going in for a heart catherization with a possible stint. I was surprised at how upset I was at first. I had NO desire to fly up to be with my family, but I was sad and worried. My mother told him not to tell anyone - and I'm sure "anyone" is code for "Tricia." I was hurt that they didn't tell me, but I wasn't surprised at all and I bounced back pretty quickly. He had the procedure done last Wednesday morning and it went amazingly well. His blockage is down 10% from 9 years ago when he had this done the first time and they ended up going through his wrist, so he was ready to come home a couple of hours after the finished. My brothers say he is doing well. I'm glad.
It's more than sad, all of this, but I'm at peace. It's hard to understand how deeply saddened I am by all of this and yet, I'm so at peace. I can tell my kids are worried about me. I also know that they pity me. I have been through some shit this past two or three years, haven't I? The beautiful thing is that, now that I'm mostly over my pity party, I can clearly see that people have their limitations and it doesn't lessen my worth. I also know that I am blessed to have the phenomenol children I have. I FINALLY have a man that REALLY loves me for who I REALLY am. I have some deep abiding friendships that leave me feeling lonely a lot of the time, but are rare and beautiful, too. I like me. I'm proud of the work I've done. I don't feel exhausted trying to be who no one can ever really be anymore. This is where I've wanted to be all of my life. It was a l-o-n-g hard road and I'm going to savor every minute. I am a faithful, loving, flexible, giving wife, mom, daughter, sister, and friend. I'm not in denial. I'm just beginning to understand good, healthy boundaries. I'm also beginning to feel what real freedom feels like...