I just hadn't written in a really long time and thought I would stop by to say, "Hi." So much has happened...

I'm not who I was before. I miss her a little, but mostly I'm trusting Him that I'll like this me better than the old one...

God is good...

I'll just have to wait, trust and see...

Here's the thing...

Here's the thing... I really don't mind if someone reads my posts if they have a blog that is public, also or if they identify themselves. I'm not okay with someone from the Grand Blanc area lurking, almost daily, around my blog and never identifying themselves. I have a site meter and it is a bit disturbing how many times this person comes to my site...
I'm deciding whether it's worth the trouble to investigate further - I don't want to get all wrapped up in this and I don't want to find out it's someone from NCC who won't just say "Hey" for some reason. So, just do me the courtesy of not lurking or say, "Hey" - okay?

The confession... Part Deux

I have to confess and ask for Your help… Again… I can’t get past this boulder in my path. I don’t know if I’m chipping away at it, bit by bit, or if I’m supposed to have an epiphanal moment and go from there, full of understanding and joy.

Help me get past this feeling of entitlement. I believe You should’ve protected me and prevented this betrayal. I believe You don’t love me so much because You could’ve stopped this or at least shown me, so I could’ve stopped it sooner. I was a very good wife. I tried so hard to follow Your lead and become the wife you called me to be and yet, You never opened his eyes to who I really was while satan was helping him see me in such an awful light.

He was behaving in such a selfish way and almost destroyed me and our kids’ lives, yet here he is, happier than ever, while I feel insecure about every aspect of my self and our life together. He feels closer to You than he ever has and I feel like I’m not even sure if You exist sometimes. I am SO angry and I know it all makes sense to You and I know I sound like Veruca, from Willie Wonka,”I want it NOW, Daddy!,” but the truth is, I can’t seem to get past this without Your help and I don’t sense Your presence. I need You to please work through this with me and please don’t take anything else away from me while I’m trying (once again) to find my way back to You. I need my Abba Father. I need You to move the boulder and help me to move toward You with outstretched arms. I don’t know how I can move ahead in any area of my life until I make some progress with You. It's just been so long and I don't trust anyone.  What do I do with that?... 

the confession...

Dear Lord,

Here's my confession... Here's my struggle... I was the "good" one. I tried very hard encouraging him develop a relationship with You and I tried so hard to be the wife you called me to be and still You allowed him to betray me like that with her.

I want to make sense of it all. I want to understand why You allowed me to be kicked publicly by the person I most treasure in this world while I was down and reaching for You.

I understand You are God. I know You've done SO much for me. I'm sure I sound arrogant. I just need to work through this with You. I want my relationship with You to be restored. I hope You'll help me. I'm kind of counting on it...

You'll Aways Be My Babies...

I know it is such a cliche', but seriously, "Where did the time go?" I remember when I was pregnant with these young men. I had complete placenta previa. I was on total bedrest at home (with a 14 month old, by the way!) for about six weeks and then I passed a blood clot the size of a softball, so Bob rushed me to Hurley and I spent the next two months in a hospital bed. It was a huge time of growth for me with God. There was a problem with Caleb almost every other day. He never moved much - which is funny, if you know him now! I got to a point where I really thought he wasn't going to make it and I'd never get to know him here on Earth. I remember praying that God would see me through and use our tragedy for His glory. I wish I could hold on to that kind of faith all of the time....

I had to have an ultrasound every other day and sometime more often. Aaron would always be looking right at the camera! He was all eyes! He's still like that. He loves to have as much attention as possible. His love language is "words of affirmation" and you'd know that after spending 20 minutes with him. When he was pulled out of me during the emergency "c" section, he was biting on the umbilical cord. Bob just loves to tell that story.

My Caleb was all curled up and not breathing. They wouldn't let Bob see him because they had to rush him to the NICU. They lost me in the middle of the delivery because I had bled so much. This is what can happen with previa and I found out years later, I have extremely thin blood, so the odds were against me. They kept Bob out of the room until I was stable again and didn't tell us until the boys were taken down to the NICU. He stayed to reassure me for just a minute before going to be with Caleb and then I saw he was done for. I told the nurses and doctors in the delivery room that he was about to pass out and he said he was fine just before they got the chair behind him and he went DOWN!! Still, minutes later, he was on his way to be with Caleb and bring me back a report and some video.

I wasn't allowed to see either of the boys until I could walk on my own down to the NICU. I know that they were trying to inspire me to get up and heal, but honestly, holding my premature twin boys for ransom was just plain cruel. They found me on my hard, cold hospital room floor three times in the next 24 hours. I had tried to go see them and passed out every time! Finally, the next day my honey walked me down there and I couldn't get over how sweet my little frogs were. I wasn't used to having skinny babies!! Caleb was breathing on his own after 4 days, Aaron after one. They were so weak that we had to gavage (tube) feed them my pumped milk. It was awful to watch. Bob and I would spend all of our time trying to bond with the boys in this sterile enviroment. The nurses were wonderful, for the most part, but every once in a while one of them would start telling us all of the things that go wrong with premies. On the 5th day they sent me home without my babies. It was one of the worst days of my life. I didn't know how to feel. I hadn't been home in 2 1/2 months, Bob and the kids had been staying with my parents (45 minutes from the hospital), and I had lost so much blood, I looked and felt like death. Making the trek back and forth for the next 3 days was rough on all of us. On the 8th day they came and told us one of the boys could go home with us. We were sure it was Aaron, but they had found a "brain bleed" on Aaron's brain and it was Caleb they were sending home with us. The following day they told us we could take Aaron home only for the weekend (because we had so many kids and so much experience, they said it was okay - HA!!). I still remember Hannah was so excited each evening when we brought home new babies two nights in a row and on the third night she asked, "Where are the more babies, Mommy?" You gotta love that girl! Our church was asked to pray that his bleed would heal so we could keep him home and he wouldn't have developmental problems. On Monday his CAT Scan showed NO bleed at all. It had closed completely!

Both of our boys are miracles. Everytime I sing "Shout To The Lord," the line "I sing for joy at the work of Your hands" makes me think of what God did for us. What a miracle He did right in front of our eyes. Did I tell you that I had a amnio the day before I had them and the results showed that they probably wouldn't make it if they were born then?

They are smart, healthy, kind boys. I also happen to think they are the 2 of the 4 most handsome young men in the entire universe. I'm so glad God chose to bless us with Caleb and Aaron on February 1st in 1995.

Their voices are changing... I love that and I hate that. They seem so grown up when that happens. They are just about to pass me up in height. There is something comforting in having your "big" son hug you, but sad that you can't pull him up into your lap and make everything okay anymore. I want them to be good men. I want them to respect themselves, their friends and the women they like/love. I pray they become all that God sees in them. I want them to live and love with abandon and to get hurt as little as possible... I'm their mom, I'm allowed to wish for that...

My Heart, Set Free

"In the process of forgiving, tiny little drops of understanding and even compassion come your way. Take them. They are God's way of letting you off the hook. Some of the conclusions we come to in the pain of being wronged are simply not accurate. Perhaps in seeing the other person's sin and weakness clearly, with some measure of empathy, God is whispering in your ear: "You really are not the unwanted... unloved... unvalued woman you thought you were." Paula Rinehart in Strong Women, Soft Hearts

This spoke to my heart in such a powerful way. It's funny to me (not in a "ha-ha" sort of way, but in a "curious and amazing" sort of way) that I just blogged about how much I struggle with thinking I have any value and then I start reading this book and He tells me just what I need to hear and KNOW.

I want to be who He wants me to be and I can't be that unless I quit trying to do the stuff He's supposed to do and start doing the things He leads me to do. I also can't forgive people until I see them as having insecurities and hurts instead of simply mean.

It kind of feels like I'm growing up all over again.

I hope we do it better this time!

Parched and Barren

I'm struggling, again, with my depression. I don't know how to just shake it and I'm afraid to just give in to it. The smallest decisions are overwhelming me. My beautiful twins are going to be 14 this weekend and I'm struggling to muster up... anything...

The black just overtakes sometimes and nothing feels like I know it anymore. I can't remember how to just be happy. It's too hard to find the joy in the simple things I found joy in just three days ago. How does this happen to me? How do I crawl out of this pit, yet again?

How do I find my self again? It's all too overwhelming. I feel so guilty that I waste days feeling like this when there is so much to be grateful for. People are counting on me, so I try to do what must be done, but I'm not really there and it just exhausts me.

Lord, please rescue me from this desert.

Confessions of a Martyr...

Girlfriends are SO important. There are so few women who get this, or at least very few who honor it. We tend to have our little circle of friends and then throw other women right under the bus when push comes to shove or when a good gossip session comes along or anything equally important. Sometimes, we even throw the women closest to us under that bus! It's a sisterhood that can make or break us.

I have some friends who are very important to me. I haven't told them HOW important they are or how much I need them because I'm afraid of being inconvenient or a burden. If I'm completely honest, I'm really terrified that they will turn tail and run or just not honor my need for them if I express it. I mean, what do you do if you tell your friend how much you need them during this season of your life and they don't respond in love? If you constantly tell people that you understand that they can't be there for you or offer their time, etc. and then they don't, you can tell yourself that it's because you told them not to. RIGHT?? You don't have to risk your heart.

And a little piece of you dies because you have another confirmation that you aren't loveable if you're not "on" and satan revels in the moment. Sure, people tell you how strong you are and how supportive you are, blah, blah, blah... But, you aren't being honest. You aren't letting yourself be known. This martyr crap is for the birds. Besides, what are you teaching your children? I see mine creating the same kind of relationship/martyr crud I've modeled for them and I am so NOT okay with that! What are you saying about your friends' character? Who do you think you are that you are supposed to put on a strong, pleasant smile, say everything is okay when it isn't, counsel her about her troubles, and then resent that nobody ever helps you through your crap?

I'm going to tell my friend that I need her. Because I really do. She may not be able to come out here and see me, but I'm not going to pretend I am not disappointed. I do understand if she can't do it (her hubby is laid off and MI's economy is bad right now), but I want her to make the decision because she has all of the facts. I want to honor our friendship because it's honorable and she deserves the truth. I can handle her decision either way, but I can see now that it's not a rejection of me. I know she loves me - even the really ugly me.

My counselor says that I need to start asking for the things I really want. She says I need to pray about what that is because I've forgotten along the way and I don't even know what I really want right now. I want my friends to know the real me. I want to tell the few women who have shown me honor and love that I value them and that they've made a difference in my life. I want my daughter to learn to honor other women and not engage in the catty, bitchy insecure stuff so many of us are drawn into. I want my sons to see women as strong, loving, intelligent human beings with real feelings and needs. I want my husband and my children to see the REAL me, even in this brokeness. I feel a little like I'm stepping out onto the water. I know my feet are going to get a little wet, but my faith is growing. I don't want to be afraid and never really know. I want to know - taking joy in the good things that come of that and experience giving and accepting grace in the "bad" of it.

His Ways...

Big question of the day: Can I really trust God if I don't fully believe He loves me?

Nope, and therein lies the problem. My big, bad wolf is that I don't believe anyone can love me unconditionally - even the Big Guy. Deep down I have always believed that I'm not worth loving that way. The thing is, is that to trust someone kind of requires that you need some proof, and proof only comes when you go through junk together. And sometimes when you go through the junk, the way you go through it or come out of it, isn't the way it happens in the movies.

His ways are not mine.
I know that sounds cliche', but it's still true.

I understand that sometimes terrible accidents happen, cancer or other terrible illnesses strike, financial junk, etc., but what about when all of the people you've come to trust and depend upon choose to pull away just when you need them most? What about being the "strong" one that everyone leaned on and when, for the first time in your life, you need to do the leaning, your inner circle disintegrates? What do you do when the person closest to you steals your reality when you are at your lowest point? What about when you cry out to God and beg Him to be real to you and help you through this awful extended darkness and you hear nothing... for years? What about when you start to "feel" Him again and things are getting so great and then you find out you were right... No one can really love you sacrificially? Do you fold? Do you try to trust Him after He just let all this horrible shit happen to you? Can you believe He loves you?

His ways are not my ways.
Sometimes the most painful experiences are the only things that create trust and force us to accept His love.

I used to be really irritated by this woman who lived in my old neighborhood, went to our old church and had a son who was friends with my twins. She never did anything with abandon. She was kind of a Stepford wife, you know? She got a new car every other year and she alternated between white and tan. Her house was all painted beige. She never risked anything. She always seemed a little afraid of everything. She would ask our mutual (seeking) friends what their doctrine was and junk like that when they didn't even know if they wanted to visit a church or not and probably didn't know or care what doctrine was. She drove me crazy! I remember wondering why everywhere I lived or spent time, God always placed one of "those" people in my path.

We are all one of "those" people to some extent. Some of us just hide it better than others, some don't hide it at all, some don't even realize there is a problem, nor do they want to. Some of us have looked the things we fear the most, right in the eye, and survived because of His love and we just trust Him a little more than we used to.
I had gotten so good at believing my life was so good, especially compared to what it was before I was a believer, that I was afraid to not be grateful enough or to appear to be less than a "good christian" wife, mother, daughter, woman, etc. I was especially careful to make it all look good to my "unbelieving family members" and anyone in any of the christian groups I led. Besides if I let down my guard, they would probably reject me and I'd have to face that they didn't love me if I wasn't "on". I told myself that it was all okay and God would probably even bless it because I was trying to make Him look good. If my life wasn't full of love and patience, then what would people think of Jesus, since I was always giving Him all the glory? I didn't trust Him to love me just as I was. I didn't trust anyone to love me just as I was and after almost 20 years of that I was SO Fk'ing tired that I couldn't just fall back into His arms. I didn't know how to fall back. I was too busy trying to hold up the wall I had constructed. Why did I do that? How do I make sense of the past 20 years of my life? So much of it was a lie. So much of it was beige...
I feel like I'm waking from a dream. I'm ready to be who He wants me to be, and not because I'm so strong or wise now, but because I'm too tired to go back to the old way and I refuse to stand in bitterness and stagnation. He has something really awesome in store for my life and I am terrified and excited all at once. I am ready to take a baby step or two because I really want His way to be my way...

Kid, You Sing My Song...

The Captain and Tennille were adorable - but I never heard them sing. Hmmmm....

We were Alison Krause and her lead guitarist, Dan Tyminski. Bob thought it was high time I was in the limelight and he backed me up. Nobody got it, but we thought we were hilarious! Our kids were mildly disgusted with our mutual back patting and giggling over our ingenious costume idea!

Tina Turner (Cheryl) brought the house down - and back-up singers weren't too shabby, either

Mark's birthday party was a hoot! The costumes were big fun and the karaoke was sweet!!! Bonnie Raitt (Stacy) and Bob Marley (Clay) were cuddling up together. Stacy actually dyed her hair to look like Bonnie - now that's dedication!!

Liza Minelli (Ginny), Pat Benatar (Kelly) and Cyndi Lauper (Leslie) were all very sexy!

Our birthday boy, George Michaels (Mark) looked awesome and did a few nice duets with Willie (Trey).

Out with the old...

Okay, so 2008 was TRULY the WORST year of my life. Like in '94 my dad and two of my brothers were each in terrible accidents all in February and then I lost my dear, sweet, spicy Grandma in October and then I almost lost Caleb and Aaron and had to be on bedrest for 3 months and almost died giving birth, but THIS year made that seem like a cake walk!

I didn't think I would be able to hope ever again. I spent some time looking for a way to sleep permanently... I wanted to care how it would affect my kids, but I just couldn't. I prayed, but was convinced that God couldn't love me if He could allow me to be hurt so deeply after all the shit I had already been through and just when I was getting on my feet again. I still struggle a bit with that...

But it's 2009 and things are clearer. I've had to take a really good honest look at my life and see it for what it was. I'm still in a million pieces all over the place, but Bob says he'll help me pick up the pieces and a good friend reminded me today that some of those pieces weren't so great anyway and maybe I'm better off without them. That made me feel so much better.

I've decided that 2008 was just a chapter of my story, it doesn't define who I am and it sure as hell isn't the whole novel!

I'm trying to not be afraid of how well satan knows me and figured out how to attack me and the people I love the most in this world. I'm going to try and remember that, in the long run, this has been a blessing. Not the road I would've chosen, for sure, but maybe the only way to really prune me closer to what God sees in me. Humility is a beautiful bitter pill...

Broken...

How does God take all of your pain - and I mean the kind that makes you not want to go on, even when you think about your children - and suddenly take it away and replace it with deep abiding love? I mean I've been sitting in pain that was dibilitating for 2 1/2 years and I finally got back on my feet and He's been leading me along and then BAM!!!! Something happened that made the last two years look like a booger and I honestly didn't want to go on. I cried out to Him and told Him how mad I was at Him for allowing this to happen to me after everything else I've experienced. I'm telling you, I didn't think I was going to make it through. And then, as I had to face my worst fear, He lifted my pain, my fear and He gave me this joy, this love and this trust that I haven't experienced EVER. I feel like He woke me up! I remember who I am and I can even see my sin, my part in all of this. He's doing a huge work in me. I know the painful part isn't over, yet, but I'm seeing the fruit of what I've gone through this past few years and I'm growing a kind of faith that I've never had before. I can't get over how broken I am and how good it feels...

Snowball Effect...

Lezlie's dad passed away... I was able to see Lez and spend a really nice afternoon with her when I went back to drive to Texas with Scott. God really works things out when I rest in Him and don't screw it up.

Duncan was in the hospital last week because his esophagus burst. He could've died. They said he could've easily bled to death and it was a miracle Pam got to him in time. Bob and I hated not being there - but I'm so glad God was there and I'm sooooo glad Duncan is home now and he's feeling better. He and Pam have had a couple of years of TOO MUCH CRAP. You know what I mean? She is in remission from her breast cancer after a long, hard recovery. Ashley's beau's brother just had a terrible accident. NCC falling apart really took its toll on their family. I just want them to be blessed with rest and joy for a while. God will work it all out.

Scott is here. It's been an adjustment for all of us. I know he's lonely. He appreciates his brothers and sister a lot more now and they adore him - but he needs some buddies to hang out on 6th Street with. He signed up for the 60-60 Soul Revolution at our church yesterday. I was so surprised and pleased. He went to church with us very begrudgingly and I knew I was pushing him a bit when I approached him, but I had prayed like crazy and really believed God was helping me. So I said, "You know, Honey. If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always gotten. I think it's only 2 months and it's once a week. At worst you'll meet some guys your age and learn something. At best... who knows?" So, he said, "Okay." Honestly, you could've knocked me over with a feather. But I put on my cool, nonchalant mom face and asked him what color timer he wanted. God works it out, doesn't He?

Epiphanies in the night

Epiphanies are good things. Sometimes they slowly sink in after the initial BAM!

I'm going to be okay. A huge part of my life is being turned upside down. I choose not to put it back on the shelf where it looks much better than it really is, but to let it fall and crash on the floor. Somebody else can pick it up. It's not really mine anyway.

Integrity is much more valuable than we so often recognize. I don't think we give it it's due. Being able to look yourself in the mirror and live with yourself without any regrets of motive is HUGE!!

I'm glad God still speaks to me. After the past couple of years, I wasn't so sure. I try to put Him in a human box, but His awesome love just won't fit there, and I am so thankful. He's giving me peace and reminding me that I have worth. I know I'll forget that over the next several months of this painful journey I'm about to go on, but He wants me to write this to remind myself not only that He really loves me and I'm worth something as His child, but to remind myself that He'll remind me when I need it again...

Love is patient, Love is kind, It does not...

This is the man that I love more than any other human being anywhere. He really gets me and that is soooo rare. I get him, too. He thinks that is just amazing. He thinks I have a gift - I do, it's his love. My life with him is secure. I know that sounds boring, but we've done the wild and crazy passionate thing (and still have our moments!). Our trials and our day-to-day junk has made this something I know I can count on. That means something to me. It's what gave me the courage to leave everything I've ever known and move to a state I spent 2 days in once (Dallas). He makes me laugh more than anyone, even when I don't want to. His sense of humor has gotten me/us through some biggies in this life. God knew I needed his perspective. He knew he would balance me out (most of the time) and help me get over myself and see life for what it is. Of course, he drives me completely crazy sometimes. I already have 5 kids and I want him to be the other parent instead of a 6th child, but it really isn't the end of the world, in the whole scheme of things.
We have been through step-kids, ex-spouses, in-laws, different cultures, my depression, living apart for 6 months (Texas/Michigan), huge financial struggles, working for my brother, living with my parents, almost losing the twins, almost losing me, almost losing him, Scott's rebellion (drugs, guns, etc.), Jordan's rebellion (ugh!), my surgery, homeschooling, Scott's epilepsy, moving across the county, and so much more. I'm so glad I get to do this life with him. I try so hard to not take that for granted, but I know I do sometimes. I know I'm a pain in his easy-going ass so much of the time. That's where his sense of humor balances things out!
HAPPY 19th ANNIVERSARY, HONEY!!! I REALLY LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART!!!

Our Princess is 15!!!

Oh my word! She's 15! We went to see "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" today - Just the 2 of us. It was so fun. When Carmen's (America Ferrara) mom explains to her how it felt to become her mom, I just started sobbing and shaking my head "yes." It's so important to have good women in your life. I so want to be that for my daughter. She doesn't have a best friend here. It makes me so sad for her. She had the same best friend from infancy until 6th grade and then things went horribly wrong. Hannah just saw her for the first time this summer while we were in Michigan. She said a small part of her was sad, but mostly, she knew she had made the right decision to pull away from her. I used to constantly fret about her not having a very best friend, but I see how strong she is and how NOT desperate she is for a best friend. She has lots of friends (mostly boys), but she is very careful with her heart. I can see now that this is how God wants it and she feels that way, too, even though I know she is sad that she doesn't have that one special friend to share her secrets with.

She got about 5,000 Happy Birthday wishes on Facebook and she is thrilled beyond measure! Both of her big brothers called her today, wished her a happy birthday, and told her they love her! They're 21 and 22, I think that's pretty good that they called without me reminding them! We bought her a new cell phone: the Rumor ... what the heck kinda name is that??? Bob brought her roses. He's such a good dad. I love that he helps her set the bar so high! We also went out for pie/cake at City Cafe in downtown Elgin. It's our family tradition now. They have the best tasting fresh made pies (that are a mile high) of any I've ever seen.

When we went up to the counter to pay the bill, Hannah asked the waitress if they were hiring and how old you had to be to work there. The girl told her that they are hiring and 16 is the magic number. Hannah then told her she is homeschooled and available during the day, so they gave her an application. The manager and the waitress couldn't believe she was only 15! I'm so proud of her. She wants a job so bad, she can taste it. She wants to get that car of hers on the road by next September and get texting on her new phone!

I remember when she was born. She was purple and SO Hairy! Her hair was JET black. We all called her our little Eskimo Baby. I woke up around 3 a.m. and as I straddled Bob to get to the bathroom, my water broke! I just froze. Poor Bob! He sprung into action and got Scott taken care of and me to the hospital in about 45 minutes - and we lived in Swartz Creek then. She was a posterior birth, so it hurt like a mutha, but it was so quick (less than 2 hours). Bob fell instantly in-love, as did his entire family of almost ALL men! Jordan and Scott just adored her, until she was about 2 1/2 - then they told us how to parent her better! She was so spoiled. We all called her "The Princess" - Grandma O still calls her that everytime she calls! I remember when she told me she wanted to be the Queen, not the Princess and I told her that mommy is the Queen in our family. She was so NOT okay with that answer! We had so many outfits for her when she was born, that I had to go to the store every other week for a year just to exchange to a bigger size because she couldn't wear them all. She was my "Monter Baby" because she would do this funny nose crinkle, snorting thing when she was playing with me and I thought she was trying to be a scary monster! She was forever leaning to one side and in perfect pitch, sing, "I....." and Bob would sing the Barney song to her, "I love you. You love me...." Where did the time go? Now she sings in Italian for state competitions and I can rarely choose an outfit for her without hearing that she doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but that whatever I chose is a little too "mommy-ish" for her, she hardly ever snorts - unless something is REALLY funny! She is stilled pretty spoiled, but I'm okay with that. She still krinkes her nose in that adorable little way sometimes...

I love you sooooo much, my Hannah Girl. You are still and forever will be my favorite girl in the entire universe!! Happy Birthday!!!

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. ~Bill Cosby, Fatherhood, 1986

I'm flying out in a couple weeks to Michigan. Scott is coming to Texas to live with us and I'm driving back with him. Yeah, I know I said I wouldn't make the drive again, but for him I will. I have such mixed feelings about it. Ultimately, I want him to move out here and meet the woman of his dreams, marry her and live reasonably close so that I can be a grandma to my grandbabies and have Scott in our lives on a daily basis. Until then, the day-to-day of him living with us again is a little exhausting! He and I have a not-so-healthy relationship sometimes. I tend to make everything okay for him and he tends to take advantage of it. We talked about that last week, really openly, and that makes me feel much better. He's also been living with his "father" for the past 2 years and I'm hoping that things have shifted some, but I know that it's awfully easy to slip into the old routine. I've asked some friends here to hold me accountable when they see me slipping. I hope they can do it and I hope I listen...

Scott called me today. He had a pretty big seizure this morning and when he fell out of bed, he hit his head on something and has a big knot on his forehead. The ironic thing is that he made an appointment with his neurologist this morning because he could tell his meds weren't working as well, and he had to miss it because he couldn't drive there and his "father" wouldn't take him. I hate that I'm not there when this junk happens. I hate that when I call to see how he's doing, his "father" tells me how lazy he is because he's been sleeping all day... He had a seizure. Seizures wipe you out. It's normal to sleep a lot the next day... UGGGHHHH!!!

Finding that place where I can be his mom and still let him grow up is so frickin' hard for me. I feel so protective of him, but sometimes that comes off as me not believing in him to him - at least subconsciously. Do you know how hard it is to worry every time your child gets in the shower that he could seize and fall and REALLY hurt himself? Or to watch him get in the car and wonder if you're going to get a call from the police or the hospital that he's had an accident and is hurt, hurt other people or worse? Or to not really sleep because every little sound could be him hitting the wall to let you know he's about to seize and he says he knows you're there when you come and it comforts him - and you have to get there before the other kids, because it's too much for them to witness? Or to look your child in the eyes and appear calm and confident, saying, "It's okay, I'm right here. You are breathing just fine. It's okay," while he seizes and inside you are really dying and wondering what you did to make him like this or how you can just make it STOP? It's exhausting. It's heart-breaking. It's our life, or at least a big part of it.

I so want my baby here with us. I just wish I could rest in God more. I can't find that place where I can relax. I know that sounds self-centered, but it overwhelms me sometimes. I wish I could be one of those really strong women that just makes everything okay. This thing is too big for me. I guess I have to let God be the one in control. I really hate that... I really love it, too. Being a mom is so hard. You just don't really know until you know, do you? I wouldn't trade it for the world!

sadness...

I have two friends from early childhood, Lezlie and Jude. We all moved out to Byron (podunk) from Detroit (metropolis) in 2nd grade. We had the usual drama of who was REALLY best friends with who - leaving one of us out - and we've grown apart and close again and again through the years. I worked so hard at NOT being the one left out when we were younger and I was definitely the one who was not a sweetie. Once I convinced Lezlie that it would be hilarious to push Judy down this HUGE snowy hill because the two of them were definitely becoming best friends and I thought that would take care of that problem... It did, for about 2 hours. A few years ago when I was with Jude in the pre-op room for breast cancer, she started telling everyone that walked through the room (medical staff, included) the story of how mean I was in 3rd grade! It was so awful and so funny! I really love that girl!!
When we were in (I think) 5th grade, Lezlie found out she had SEVERE scoliosis. She has had more surgeries than I can count. About 90% of her bones in her back have been replaced with metal. Whenever she had surgery she would be in a body cast for months. Not many people would visit her and when we got older, very few men stuck around. It has been long and difficult for her in so many ways.
Lezlie and Judy aren't close anymore, but I keep them both updated. When things are tough, Judy will contact Lezlie and offer her love and support. Judy is married and has two beautiful daughters. Lezlie has never married and doesn't have any children. She is very close to her parents, especially her mom.
Judy lost her mom this past November to cancer. It was so sad. I didn't know her mom really well. Her parents divorced when we were young and she decided to live with her dad. I call him, "Dad." That man is a saint the way he put up with us every weekend as teenagers! Nobody cussed as cutely as that man! He has Alzheimer's now. It's been a tough road for him and Judy. Anyway, I flew home for the funeral and loved on Jude as much as time and circumstance permitted. She led her momma to the Lord before she passed away. She spent so much time with her before she died. She is one of those people who you want there when it is one of those times...
Lezlie called a few days ago. Her dad has hepatitis and he's dying. They say it could be just a few days now. That man has been making me laugh since I was 6 years old. He is so sweet and funny. Lezlie is the apple of his eye. He also has the coolest tattoos on his knuckles that I have ever seen! This past year, the hep. has affected his mind and he's been unkind to Lezlie. She is so angry with him. I'm worried about how that will affect her when he's gone. I worry about how not having God in their lives will affect all of them. My relationship with Lezlie is so complicated. She made it clear last week that she expects me to be at the funeral. I've been calling her and she's not returning my calls - not unusual. If she needs me, she will really need me. If she doesn't, I could fly home and she may not return my calls the whole time. I don't know what to do. These are the important moments, but leaving my family, missing work, affording a ticket, etc. are all harsh realities for me now. We won't recover financially for a while after the whole owning 2 houses for almost 2 years ordeal! Not to mention, going to Michigan for 2 funerals and a wedding in the past 8 months hasn't been kind to the wallet!
I have been struggling with this for days and I can't seem to make a decision - of course, not having communication with Lez, isn't really helping. My oldest son, Scott, berated me the other day. He asked me if Lez would do the same for me... she might, she might not. I'm okay with that. We have our own junk. Isn't this whole relationship thing about accepting people where they are. I mean, if you can't, then say so and exit stage left, but if you can, then you go from there. I don't mean to say doormatting it is okay. I just mean accept limitations - God knows, I have plenty of my own! Scott keeps saying that if you don't have the money, you don't have the money and a friend understands that. Ahhh, to be young again. I love that boy!
I don't know... I think I was hoping that writing it down would make it clearer.

Waiting....

Waiting....

Nope... that didn't do it.

Hope floats...

You know, I just got some really good news from one of my faithful and very hurting friends in Michigan. As a matter of fact, I've gotten a few little nuggets during the past weeks. It is truly amazing to me how God works and it's even more amazing (in a "I'm so disappointed in myself" kind of way) to me that I seem to forget how to do things the "right" way with Him.
Since things sort of fell apart at NCC and we all sort of followed suit, it is always bittersweet when we get together. Bob and I have taken the kids back twice and I've flown back 2 other times and each time Michele, Barry, Pam, Duncan, Connie and Dave have all made time for us. It feels so good to be with them, but we've all been hurting so much that mostly what we talk about is how much we are all struggling just to make it through each day and how bad we feel that we are setting such a horrible example for our kids. This last time we spent the first 3 days at Michele and Barry's, the next 3 in Charlevoix for the wedding, my parent's for a day and then Bob's parents' for the last 3 days. Pam was in Texas, but Michele and Connie drove (2 hours) to Adrian to see us at Bob's parents' and were gracious enough to go to church with us that evening. Connie and I talked about how apathetic we were both feeling and how sad we were about it before we left for church. I told both of them we didn't have to go, that we could stay home with the boys and that would be fine, but they knew how happy my in-loves would be if we all went, so we went.
The church is this old, kinda musty-smelling, Mexican church with about 35 members on a good Sunday. Bob's mom and dad were married there 50 + years ago and they renewed their vows there several years ago with all of us as witnesses. It was beautiful - to us... Connie and Michele were so loving and accepting and it was fun to be in church with them again, but we all felt the emptiness. Then Bob had to sing "I Can Only Imagine" for his mom (I know, I know) and he couldn't remember the lyrics, so I snuck up to the first pew and mouthed the words until he was on solid ground. As I sat back, I was touched, just for a moment by the Holy Spirit, it was a breath of fresh air. Then I snuck back to the pew and Connie was standing up with tears in her eyes, telling me that we needed to go outside and talk NOW!!
The three of us went outside and Connie scolded us all for giving up on ourselves and each other. She said that she saw that I wanted to feel God's presence in my life and so did she and we needed to commit to praying for each other EVERY day and then emailing EVERY day to share it with each other. It was one of those moments when you know someone cares enough to throw you a rope and I wanted to be saved from myself, so I agreed and so did Michele. We asked Pam and Mary if they wanted to join us and now the 5 of us are praying for each other EVERY day. The funny thing to me is that it sounds so simple and I have developed a HUGE aversion to anecdotal christianity the past few years, but with this little mustard seed of faith and some prayer lifted up in love (and desperation) to God, really BIG, BIG things happen.
I'm so thankful that Connie listened to Him and had the courage to scold us and ask us to hold one another accountable. You know, she told us she knew we wouldn't do it for ourselves, but she knew we would do it for each other. She was right.
I'm also so thankful that I have friends who are faithful to me and lift me up, especially after the little I've had to offer them during the past 2 1/2 years.
Scott called me last week and wanted to know what happened because I sounded much better than I had in years. He has been asking me what is wrong for a very long time and I always tell him "Nothing" because it was just too exhausting and looooong an explanation to give and because I'm supposed to be the parent. I started telling him how much I had struggled with depression, church and all that "jazz" and he told me how worried he has been and how happy he is to hear ME again. That was great confirmation for me.
I'm learning to listen, again. I'm accepting His grace, cautiously - and He's okay with that. I'm feeling some joy and that is HUGE!!
When I get emails from my praying friends now they are filled with hope and such evidence of God working in their lives. It has been very healing for me. I know one of my character flaws is that I take on my friends' pain and I've been very angry that so many people from NCC that I love are hurting and are so disenfranchised. I've been so buried by that pain and I've felt so exhausted and helpless that I could barely function for way too long. Connie told me a few days ago that she could hear hope in my voice now. It's true...

What is that all about?

I have spent most of this week having some really wonderful conversations. You know the kind where when you hang the phone up, you cry a little because you are so thankful that God blessed you in this way and you almost feel a physical weight lifted from your shoulders that you didn't even realize was there? I had 3 of those this week - and I'm really happy, but I'm wiped out, too. I also had one really hurtful and shocking "conversation" and that was hard, but I did what I could and it's not mine to own. Part of this whole process is God showing me when it's His to pick up and mine to put down. I keep thinking that this is Bob's last week off and I want to do a couple more really fun summer things and I can't seem to move beyond my laptop (this blog, facebook and email), my copy of Brene' Brown's I thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't), and even my bedroom. What is that all about? I start out by telling myself that I'm going to get up in the morning and empty the dishwasher, throw in a load of laundry, make a decent breakfast and then we'll go somewhere fun and then I start thinking about getting ready for the lit. classes I'm teaching this year, getting everything ready for teaching my own kids, paying bills (there's the big bad wolf), looking at the fall schedule for everyone, and then I'm immobilized and I DO NOTHING. Isn't that the dumbest thing? I just want to buck up and move through.

Okay, I'm going to make blue moon smoothies (Caleb's favorite!)and throw a load of laundry in...

"Try as hard as we may for perfection, the net result of our labors is an amazing variety of imperfectness. We are surprised at our own versatility in being able to fail in so many different ways."

~Samuel McChord Crothers