Happy Burfday...

This has been one heck of a week! It was my birthday on Wednesday. Each morning at school the older kids do a little morning news show that is broadcast into all of our classrooms. They do the weather, the pledges, the fundraiser stuff, awards, and the birthdays of all of the students and teachers. Now just guess who is in charge of the birthday announcement list? My favorite library assistant... So, you know what happened, right? All of my little babies are all excited to hear it announced -they get that way every time someone in our class has a birthday - and they simply say, "There are NO birthdays today!" One of my little guys asked me if I was sure it was my birthday! Hannah was in my classroom helping. She stood up, went down to the library and told the Librarian (not HER) that it was my birthday. SHE huffed and slammed around a little, to which Hannah asked, "Is there a problem?" The librarian said she was sorry and that they would announce it tomorrow. Hannah was so proud of herself for speaking up. I think after all of the times she's been "borderline" with us and we've been too in shock to react, it felt good to stand up and put it in her court! Anyway, that wasn't enough, my daughter then went to her daddy's classroom and asked him to make an announcement over the PA while she watched his classroom! I could tell he was a little uncomfortable, but the new him won out over the old one and he made the most endearing and hilarious birthday announcement ever! Every teacher and almost all of the students wished me a happy birthday that day. It was truly wonderful! She's been seething ever since!
I get really caught up in trying not to be petty, which I know most of my really christiany friends would tell me, but the truth of the matter is, I need to take my life back. It's okay to not just lie down and take it like some kind of doormat! I've been humiliated enough and it's okay to expect to get the little things that everyone else gets without her trying to be a bitch to me all of the time. It continues to befuddle me why she acts the injured party. She was the aggressive one, she has done this numerous times, she has her kids and marriage back. How is it she feels the victim? I have refused to become the victim in this situation, but PLEASE!... Where does she even begin to think like that?
Anyway... it's been an exhausting week back. I got 3 new students in two days and two of them are handfuls! I'm still not used to going to bed early and not sleeping in until I just happen to wake up. I'm going to bed early tonight and then I'm sleeping in as long as possible! We have nothing to do except church this entire weekend! I'm so looking forward to down time! We are so short on cash that celebrating my birthday was kind of out of the question, but in a couple of weeks we're going out to dinner, just my Honey and I. Once I'm rested, I can't wait for a night out with that man! He made me the most wonderful Powerpoint birthday card! It made me cry... I am loved. I am blessed...

and the beat goes on...

We went to a birthday party last night. Actually our kids were the guests, but we're friends with the parents, so we hung out in the house while the kids "partied" outside by the chimenea. I tried to have a good time. The other couple that stayed are very nice, but a bit too traditional Christians for my bitter old self, sometimes. No one here really knows about our "hell" except for the people we counsel and the people who have counselled us. So, sometimes it feels like we aren't "known" - you know? It feels like we're a lie almost. It's not as awful as it sounds, really, just sometimes I miss true good friends that know your junk and love you deeply.
I feel like I can't even tell anyone about B and W (yesterday's blog) because I'm SO freaking emotional about it and I'll give myself away...
I'm having a hard time dealing with this. I don't know why it's so intense. I kept B up until 4 o'clock this morning just hashing and rehashing the tragedy of it all and then going over our history this past 3 or 4 years. Revisiting how completely alone I felt and then having to deal with the reality that nothing is secure - still. I have this rerun in my head of our youngest, A, mishearing something I said about his dad about 2 years ago. He said, "Did you say divorce?" I laughed and said, "No! I would NEVER say anything about divorce and your dad, EVER!" I remember feeling grateful, looking up toward heaven, whispering a "Thank You" and knowing that what I said was completely true. B and I loved each other so deeply and had been through so much together, that I was sure we would be together forever and a day...
I know at this point you are probably saying, "But you are together, right?" And we are, but we came so close to losing it all. It all happened before I even knew what hit me. I really believed on some level that my marriage was GREAT. I think the thing that has most affected me is not trusting myself anymore. I don't trust my "feelings" or my beliefs anymore. I don't trust much about my life. Even when I feel like it's all good, like we're in a great place, something like B and W just throws me into a tailspin. I know my husband thinks logically I should see we chose to stay together and honor each other and that things are better than they've ever been. I know that, but the past years have affected my logic and my heart...
I want to work through this, see how it could never happen to us and then put it on a nice "move on" shelf in the "security" closet...

Wow... It's been a really long time!

I miss writing... more than I can say... I have a full time job now. I'm teaching kindergarten, two doors down from my hubby, down the hall from her... The job came just as we were trying to figure out how to keep a roof over our kids heads and a month after I asked my Honey to turn down a job that would've gotten him out of this school system and away from her. God told me to. I wasn't happy about it - AT ALL - but I submitted. Completely at a loss about the why of it, but I felt peace, aside from a little bit of stomping my feet and telling Him I'd been through enough already, so I cautiously followed His lead. My Honey thought I was downright insane and I think he was even a little bit miffed, but we talk now - like really talk, so he was in complete agreement when he heard my heart - especially since he knows how difficult it is for me to trust and follow God.

A week or so later a position opened up at a different school in our hometown that my Honey was perfectly qualified for. We got so excited. We were sure that God was opening doors and offering me some mercy. Then we found out that a young woman just out of college was already hired and that most of the administration had been told about my husband's "mistakes" last year. This all happened two days before my interview to substitute teach. So, in my interview I was asked, point-blank, if I thought I could behave professionally if I worked in the same building as her. Somehow God gave my the strength to not even tear up or let my lip quiver and I responded so well that his response was, "Touche' Mrs. O., touche.'" He then asked why I didn't teach full time because he was so impressed with my college transcript and my letters of rec. That part felt great! I walked out of that interview, got into my car, completely broke down, drove home, told my Honey how angry I was with him. He told me how much he loved me, how sorry he is, how proud he is of me and then I told him how God took care of me during the whole thing. Grace is such a gorgeous gift...

I then subbed for 4 days. The principal kept dropping in on me. I started to get nervous, but on the 3rd day, she walked in and asked why I wasn't teaching full time when it was SO obvious that I was meant to do it?! I told her I was thinking about teaching the following year when Hannah has her license, etc. She called me the following evening and asked if I would take a full time position the following day... Hmmm...

We're pretty sure God orchestrated all of this. I'm not saying it isn't a major pain in the ass to have to deal with her bipolar self every flippin' day, but I kind of feel like God has put my healing into 4th gear. It's been especially painful and accelerated. I still can't say I understand why he has this phenomenally intimate relationship with Jesus when he was a pretty crappy dad and husband for 19 years and was one of the most narcissistic people I've ever known, while I feel unsure of God's love and sometimes even His reality after I felt SO close to Him for such a long time. I know I have entitlement issues. I also know that if I pretend to feel any other way, I won't really heal and I won't show my kids the truth. He has gone through this with me and He has given me a husband that I only dreamed of. He has made him into a father for our children that I respect and want to follow, but there is still this part of me that can't believe this happened to me, to all of us. I am so humiliated, ashamed and even indignant about this. I was a great wife. I REALLY tried to follow God in my marriage and in my parenting. I can't believe this was the only way to bring him to YOU! Sometimes it sucks being a God follower! I know this was about him, but the world and she doesn't know that. Sometimes it gets exhausting holding my head up and being strong. I guess it's a good thing You're going through this with me... I couldn't do it on my own. I know that...

We've worked really hard this past 15 months to get to this beautiful place. I've forgiven him because You've helped me do that. You've brought other couples into our lives that we've helped. I can't believe THIS is how we're being used...

I'm choosing to forgive her. I know it's not really an option if I want to follow You. I have SUCH a long way to go... satan still has a piece of my heart and I want to take it back and give it to You, but I'm not there, yet. Sometimes it frightens me how much I loathe her... I mean she used my belief in You to get close to me, to hurt me, to try to take my life... Other times it amazes me that I choose to bless her and even empathize with her life... I know those times are because of You.

I really miss writing. Working full time, being a mom, a wife, and a friend takes a lot of my time. It's easy to let time pass and ignore the thing that feeds my soul. One of the lessons I learned through all of this pain was that I spent the past 20 years hiding behind being a good wife and a good mom so that I didn't have to take chances and put my self out there, so Lord, please help me to become who and what You want me to be. Don't let this blessing get in the way of that. Help me to find You again, in me... please.

His Ways...

Big question of the day: Can I really trust God if I don't fully believe He loves me?

Nope, and therein lies the problem. My big, bad wolf is that I don't believe anyone can love me unconditionally - even the Big Guy. Deep down I have always believed that I'm not worth loving that way. The thing is, is that to trust someone kind of requires that you need some proof, and proof only comes when you go through junk together. And sometimes when you go through the junk, the way you go through it or come out of it, isn't the way it happens in the movies.

His ways are not mine.
I know that sounds cliche', but it's still true.

I understand that sometimes terrible accidents happen, cancer or other terrible illnesses strike, financial junk, etc., but what about when all of the people you've come to trust and depend upon choose to pull away just when you need them most? What about being the "strong" one that everyone leaned on and when, for the first time in your life, you need to do the leaning, your inner circle disintegrates? What do you do when the person closest to you steals your reality when you are at your lowest point? What about when you cry out to God and beg Him to be real to you and help you through this awful extended darkness and you hear nothing... for years? What about when you start to "feel" Him again and things are getting so great and then you find out you were right... No one can really love you sacrificially? Do you fold? Do you try to trust Him after He just let all this horrible shit happen to you? Can you believe He loves you?

His ways are not my ways.
Sometimes the most painful experiences are the only things that create trust and force us to accept His love.

I used to be really irritated by this woman who lived in my old neighborhood, went to our old church and had a son who was friends with my twins. She never did anything with abandon. She was kind of a Stepford wife, you know? She got a new car every other year and she alternated between white and tan. Her house was all painted beige. She never risked anything. She always seemed a little afraid of everything. She would ask our mutual (seeking) friends what their doctrine was and junk like that when they didn't even know if they wanted to visit a church or not and probably didn't know or care what doctrine was. She drove me crazy! I remember wondering why everywhere I lived or spent time, God always placed one of "those" people in my path.

We are all one of "those" people to some extent. Some of us just hide it better than others, some don't hide it at all, some don't even realize there is a problem, nor do they want to. Some of us have looked the things we fear the most, right in the eye, and survived because of His love and we just trust Him a little more than we used to.
I had gotten so good at believing my life was so good, especially compared to what it was before I was a believer, that I was afraid to not be grateful enough or to appear to be less than a "good christian" wife, mother, daughter, woman, etc. I was especially careful to make it all look good to my "unbelieving family members" and anyone in any of the christian groups I led. Besides if I let down my guard, they would probably reject me and I'd have to face that they didn't love me if I wasn't "on". I told myself that it was all okay and God would probably even bless it because I was trying to make Him look good. If my life wasn't full of love and patience, then what would people think of Jesus, since I was always giving Him all the glory? I didn't trust Him to love me just as I was. I didn't trust anyone to love me just as I was and after almost 20 years of that I was SO Fk'ing tired that I couldn't just fall back into His arms. I didn't know how to fall back. I was too busy trying to hold up the wall I had constructed. Why did I do that? How do I make sense of the past 20 years of my life? So much of it was a lie. So much of it was beige...
I feel like I'm waking from a dream. I'm ready to be who He wants me to be, and not because I'm so strong or wise now, but because I'm too tired to go back to the old way and I refuse to stand in bitterness and stagnation. He has something really awesome in store for my life and I am terrified and excited all at once. I am ready to take a baby step or two because I really want His way to be my way...

Out with the old...

Okay, so 2008 was TRULY the WORST year of my life. Like in '94 my dad and two of my brothers were each in terrible accidents all in February and then I lost my dear, sweet, spicy Grandma in October and then I almost lost Caleb and Aaron and had to be on bedrest for 3 months and almost died giving birth, but THIS year made that seem like a cake walk!

I didn't think I would be able to hope ever again. I spent some time looking for a way to sleep permanently... I wanted to care how it would affect my kids, but I just couldn't. I prayed, but was convinced that God couldn't love me if He could allow me to be hurt so deeply after all the shit I had already been through and just when I was getting on my feet again. I still struggle a bit with that...

But it's 2009 and things are clearer. I've had to take a really good honest look at my life and see it for what it was. I'm still in a million pieces all over the place, but Bob says he'll help me pick up the pieces and a good friend reminded me today that some of those pieces weren't so great anyway and maybe I'm better off without them. That made me feel so much better.

I've decided that 2008 was just a chapter of my story, it doesn't define who I am and it sure as hell isn't the whole novel!

I'm trying to not be afraid of how well satan knows me and figured out how to attack me and the people I love the most in this world. I'm going to try and remember that, in the long run, this has been a blessing. Not the road I would've chosen, for sure, but maybe the only way to really prune me closer to what God sees in me. Humility is a beautiful bitter pill...

Epiphanies in the night

Epiphanies are good things. Sometimes they slowly sink in after the initial BAM!

I'm going to be okay. A huge part of my life is being turned upside down. I choose not to put it back on the shelf where it looks much better than it really is, but to let it fall and crash on the floor. Somebody else can pick it up. It's not really mine anyway.

Integrity is much more valuable than we so often recognize. I don't think we give it it's due. Being able to look yourself in the mirror and live with yourself without any regrets of motive is HUGE!!

I'm glad God still speaks to me. After the past couple of years, I wasn't so sure. I try to put Him in a human box, but His awesome love just won't fit there, and I am so thankful. He's giving me peace and reminding me that I have worth. I know I'll forget that over the next several months of this painful journey I'm about to go on, but He wants me to write this to remind myself not only that He really loves me and I'm worth something as His child, but to remind myself that He'll remind me when I need it again...

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. ~Bill Cosby, Fatherhood, 1986

I'm flying out in a couple weeks to Michigan. Scott is coming to Texas to live with us and I'm driving back with him. Yeah, I know I said I wouldn't make the drive again, but for him I will. I have such mixed feelings about it. Ultimately, I want him to move out here and meet the woman of his dreams, marry her and live reasonably close so that I can be a grandma to my grandbabies and have Scott in our lives on a daily basis. Until then, the day-to-day of him living with us again is a little exhausting! He and I have a not-so-healthy relationship sometimes. I tend to make everything okay for him and he tends to take advantage of it. We talked about that last week, really openly, and that makes me feel much better. He's also been living with his "father" for the past 2 years and I'm hoping that things have shifted some, but I know that it's awfully easy to slip into the old routine. I've asked some friends here to hold me accountable when they see me slipping. I hope they can do it and I hope I listen...

Scott called me today. He had a pretty big seizure this morning and when he fell out of bed, he hit his head on something and has a big knot on his forehead. The ironic thing is that he made an appointment with his neurologist this morning because he could tell his meds weren't working as well, and he had to miss it because he couldn't drive there and his "father" wouldn't take him. I hate that I'm not there when this junk happens. I hate that when I call to see how he's doing, his "father" tells me how lazy he is because he's been sleeping all day... He had a seizure. Seizures wipe you out. It's normal to sleep a lot the next day... UGGGHHHH!!!

Finding that place where I can be his mom and still let him grow up is so frickin' hard for me. I feel so protective of him, but sometimes that comes off as me not believing in him to him - at least subconsciously. Do you know how hard it is to worry every time your child gets in the shower that he could seize and fall and REALLY hurt himself? Or to watch him get in the car and wonder if you're going to get a call from the police or the hospital that he's had an accident and is hurt, hurt other people or worse? Or to not really sleep because every little sound could be him hitting the wall to let you know he's about to seize and he says he knows you're there when you come and it comforts him - and you have to get there before the other kids, because it's too much for them to witness? Or to look your child in the eyes and appear calm and confident, saying, "It's okay, I'm right here. You are breathing just fine. It's okay," while he seizes and inside you are really dying and wondering what you did to make him like this or how you can just make it STOP? It's exhausting. It's heart-breaking. It's our life, or at least a big part of it.

I so want my baby here with us. I just wish I could rest in God more. I can't find that place where I can relax. I know that sounds self-centered, but it overwhelms me sometimes. I wish I could be one of those really strong women that just makes everything okay. This thing is too big for me. I guess I have to let God be the one in control. I really hate that... I really love it, too. Being a mom is so hard. You just don't really know until you know, do you? I wouldn't trade it for the world!

What is that all about?

I have spent most of this week having some really wonderful conversations. You know the kind where when you hang the phone up, you cry a little because you are so thankful that God blessed you in this way and you almost feel a physical weight lifted from your shoulders that you didn't even realize was there? I had 3 of those this week - and I'm really happy, but I'm wiped out, too. I also had one really hurtful and shocking "conversation" and that was hard, but I did what I could and it's not mine to own. Part of this whole process is God showing me when it's His to pick up and mine to put down. I keep thinking that this is Bob's last week off and I want to do a couple more really fun summer things and I can't seem to move beyond my laptop (this blog, facebook and email), my copy of Brene' Brown's I thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't), and even my bedroom. What is that all about? I start out by telling myself that I'm going to get up in the morning and empty the dishwasher, throw in a load of laundry, make a decent breakfast and then we'll go somewhere fun and then I start thinking about getting ready for the lit. classes I'm teaching this year, getting everything ready for teaching my own kids, paying bills (there's the big bad wolf), looking at the fall schedule for everyone, and then I'm immobilized and I DO NOTHING. Isn't that the dumbest thing? I just want to buck up and move through.

Okay, I'm going to make blue moon smoothies (Caleb's favorite!)and throw a load of laundry in...

"Try as hard as we may for perfection, the net result of our labors is an amazing variety of imperfectness. We are surprised at our own versatility in being able to fail in so many different ways."

~Samuel McChord Crothers