Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. ~Bill Cosby, Fatherhood, 1986

I'm flying out in a couple weeks to Michigan. Scott is coming to Texas to live with us and I'm driving back with him. Yeah, I know I said I wouldn't make the drive again, but for him I will. I have such mixed feelings about it. Ultimately, I want him to move out here and meet the woman of his dreams, marry her and live reasonably close so that I can be a grandma to my grandbabies and have Scott in our lives on a daily basis. Until then, the day-to-day of him living with us again is a little exhausting! He and I have a not-so-healthy relationship sometimes. I tend to make everything okay for him and he tends to take advantage of it. We talked about that last week, really openly, and that makes me feel much better. He's also been living with his "father" for the past 2 years and I'm hoping that things have shifted some, but I know that it's awfully easy to slip into the old routine. I've asked some friends here to hold me accountable when they see me slipping. I hope they can do it and I hope I listen...

Scott called me today. He had a pretty big seizure this morning and when he fell out of bed, he hit his head on something and has a big knot on his forehead. The ironic thing is that he made an appointment with his neurologist this morning because he could tell his meds weren't working as well, and he had to miss it because he couldn't drive there and his "father" wouldn't take him. I hate that I'm not there when this junk happens. I hate that when I call to see how he's doing, his "father" tells me how lazy he is because he's been sleeping all day... He had a seizure. Seizures wipe you out. It's normal to sleep a lot the next day... UGGGHHHH!!!

Finding that place where I can be his mom and still let him grow up is so frickin' hard for me. I feel so protective of him, but sometimes that comes off as me not believing in him to him - at least subconsciously. Do you know how hard it is to worry every time your child gets in the shower that he could seize and fall and REALLY hurt himself? Or to watch him get in the car and wonder if you're going to get a call from the police or the hospital that he's had an accident and is hurt, hurt other people or worse? Or to not really sleep because every little sound could be him hitting the wall to let you know he's about to seize and he says he knows you're there when you come and it comforts him - and you have to get there before the other kids, because it's too much for them to witness? Or to look your child in the eyes and appear calm and confident, saying, "It's okay, I'm right here. You are breathing just fine. It's okay," while he seizes and inside you are really dying and wondering what you did to make him like this or how you can just make it STOP? It's exhausting. It's heart-breaking. It's our life, or at least a big part of it.

I so want my baby here with us. I just wish I could rest in God more. I can't find that place where I can relax. I know that sounds self-centered, but it overwhelms me sometimes. I wish I could be one of those really strong women that just makes everything okay. This thing is too big for me. I guess I have to let God be the one in control. I really hate that... I really love it, too. Being a mom is so hard. You just don't really know until you know, do you? I wouldn't trade it for the world!