OVERwhelmed is an UNDERstatement...

We decided to disconnect our cable and internet about 4 years ago in order to save a LOT of money and because my Honey thought it would be a great way to stop wasting so much time in front of televison and computer screens while spending more quality time as a family before our babies, who are not babies at all, grew up and left.  We still watch dvds on occasion and then, of course, we all have phones that do everything except make dinner, so it isn't unusual to walk into our living room and see all of us staring quietly at our phones or showing each other something on our phones...  UGH!!
We have changed immensely, for the better, in my opinion.  We are much more communicative and expressive, which has in turn caused us to all be much more relational with each other.  A small miracle, considering we did this during our children's late teen years.
We all read more, too.  So, I think that is wonderful!!
Our kiddos are all in college now, so it is time to reconnect the internet at home, although we decided the cable television is still not something we want in our home.  I was very excited to begin writing on this blog again, and then I saw that it had been YEARS since I've written anything on here and trying to fill in the middle with a quick update, would be ridiculous.  Overwhelmed is such an understatement...
I have purchased several journals during this time and have been trying to keep up with this recovery story of ours in them.  I think I am going to transfer the entries into this blog, bit by bit, so that I can have my journey all in one place, in chronological order, and hopefully share that with others who are traveling this horrendous road feeling devastated and alone, as I did.
I am better than I have ever been in some ways.  I have lived in Texas, just outside of Austin now for almost 7 years.  In all of that time I have not found one woman here that I have developed a deep friendship with.  I have lost other long-time friendships or have come to accept that the relationships were not worth the effort for the other woman involved.  When I was at my very lowest point, several of the people I considered to be my closest friends and family members, simply turned their backs on me.  Some of them pretended that they were still in relationship with me and just avoided me or avoided going "there" with me as much as possible. I understand that the kind of pain I was going through was very difficult to look at and some people just aren't up for it - some because it scared the begeebees out of them because they didn't want to even consider that infidelity could be part of their marriages, some because they had betrayal in their marriages and never completely dealt with it, so they did NOT want to have to deal with it now, and some because seeing my raw pain was just not comfortable or very pretty, frankly. 
The new friendships that I had just started here in Texas mostly ended because I pulled back out of shame and fear that if they found out, they would form opinions that weren't based on really knowing Bob and I.  I kept picturing myself trying to explain to people that I wasn't a fool for staying with him, but that he really did love me and wasn't one of those guys that betrayed me on a regular basis or even once before.
So far, I haven't explained the being better part...  I have learned to be okay with me.  I almost trust myself again, but in a new way.  After facing my worst fear that NO one thought I was worth the trouble - not my husband and not my parents - I had the most amazing realization.  Now, this will sound anecdotal and simple to many people, but until I truly embraced this truth, I was lost in a way that had me planning my own suicide and unable to see any worth in my entire life.  My truth and the only thing that gets me through EVERYTHING now, is that I am completely worth it to HIM.  He loves me unconditionally.  He is faithful to me and won't ever turn His back on me.  I can never let Him down so much that He will forsake me.
I have heard all of this from lots of good church people since forever, but actually allowing myself to believe that anyone feels this way about me has been completely life-changing.  Yeah, that doesn't even begin to cover it.  Words just can't explain.  If they could, I would've gotten this a LONG-ASS time ago and had healthy boundaries in my life because I wouldn't be afraid that if I didn't, no one would put up with me.  My whole life would've been so much better...
And it hasn't suddenly been a three-sixty...  I still have LOTS of other junk and I still revert and forget how much He loves me because of the way someone in my life chooses to treat me or abandons me.  Being without a close friend and losing other ones has made me doubt my worth as a friend and even as a person many times.  I've made a couple of surface friendships here that have begun to develop into unhealthy relationships like I've had in the past where I am parenting a person who chooses to keep making the same mistakes over and over and over.  So, I have had to step back and set up boundaries, which is a struggle because seven years is a very long time to be lonely.  It's been hard not to settle for any girl who will give me the time of day...  But I'm not settling after all I've been through.  He wants so much more from me and I want to be what He sees in me.  I have SUCH a long way to go and part of me feels like I've wasted so many years thinking I was in His will or just being too beat up, exhausted and angry to listen to Him on a regular basis.  The new lie is that I'm too old.  The voice tells me that I can't really accomplish anything of worth at this point or have the career I've longed for because now I have to put 3 kids through college and I'm out of youthful energy... That telling my story is too much work and not worth telling.  Who wants to hear a story that doesn't even get tied up with a pretty bow?...
I've taken this summer to just rest and I needed it badly.  The voice tells me I just wasted more time, but I feel rested and more focused.  I feel stronger.  My friend, Katie, calls it the oxygen mask theory (I think).  I have to get strong, find my voice before I can be in relationship with anyone and tell my story.  I've met so many women who spend their lives running from the lie that they aren't worth it.  I really believe He allowed me this pain so that I could help others to see how worth it they are to Him and that is all that truly matters.  You are enough to the Only One who matters.
And, so am I...

 

Little Men...

Sometimes when I'm feeling like I'm pretty far down "Recovery Road" something happens that sends me back several miles and I'm not even sure that I'm on the right street anymore. After C had his "parellel" experience with his girlfriend and his teenage "affair," I over-reacted a bit. In some ways it was a good thing. We cut through a lot of bullshit and it caused C to own what he had done. He really took responsibility for how he dishonored both girls and he seemed to really value the grace M showed him. He started to develop a relationship with God for the first time, and that was a gift! They have a very nice relationship. It's a little serious and a bit too exclusive, for their ages, but they seem to be working on that. Suddenly, C comes to me and tells me he thinks he wants to break up with M. He gives me all of these altruistic, noble reasons, to which I say, "BS, now be honest with me and yourself about the whys of this." We talk, he admits he wants to just be one of the guys, he feels a bit jealous of her friendships, his siblings' friendships, etc. As we talk, I feel myself get REALLY emotional, like this is happening to me! What the heck is wrong with me? I have been dreading the day M breaks up with him, assuming because she is almost 2 years older, it will happen that way and now all I can do is feel like I'm the girl getting dumped by this selfish young man that wants to be able to notice other pretty girls, etc. What he wants and feels is perfectly normal. He isn't even quite 15 years old, yet, for heaven's sake!
I feel stuck between making him take responsibility for the real reasons he wants this and understanding that he shouldn't stay in a relationship that has gotten way too serious way too fast when he is way too young. I don't object to him breaking things off, I just want to make sure he handles it like a caring human being and doesn't try to pretend he is doing this for her. I just want him to treat her with honor and honesty. I know it will be very difficult, but at least God will bless it if he's true to Him, himself, and M.
I am so glad my kids come to me about these things, but sometimes now I feel so fragile myself, I don't know if they should listen to a word I say... So, I told him we both need to pray about this and let Him show us over time what the best thing to do is and how best to do it. This parenting thing is hard work...

Mother's Day was so wonderful...

I finished writing my final exams for Monday after being served a yummy breakfast in bed - which was moved to the kitchen - of french toast with powdered sugar and LOTS of butter, eggs, cranberry juice and chai latte! It was mmmmmm..... I also got the MOST beautiful handmade card made with love!!

Writing the exams took MUCH longer than I thought they would, but I was very happy with the end result! We missed church, which made me pretty upset. When I was done, Bob said he was taking us out for dinner - any place I wanted to go... Well, that's pretty much a lose-lose, because I am just about the most indecisive person on Earth when it comes to what restaurant and then what item on the menu! It's ridiculous, I'm telling you. But we just drove... I asked Bob to go down Lamar, because I just knew something would hit me! And just about the time the kids were getting really frustrated with not knowing where we were going, IT HIT ME!!!

So, we went to Shady Grove on Barton Springs Road. I remembered that Rachael Ray went there on the show about Austin before we moved here and it was one of the few places on that list we hadn't hit, yet. Bob and I found the list in Aaron's chicken-scratch from over 3 years ago last week, so it was on my mind...

It was such a beautiful evening - after I laid into one of my kids for making fun of a certain group of people with tears in my eyes. The food is soooo cheap and good and very "austin" and yummy... The "Shady Thang" was a super delish drink and I enjoyed every sip of BOTH of them! After dinner Scott met us and we all walked around Austin and I wished we didn't have to go to work the next morning and that the night would never end...

You'll Aways Be My Babies...

I know it is such a cliche', but seriously, "Where did the time go?" I remember when I was pregnant with these young men. I had complete placenta previa. I was on total bedrest at home (with a 14 month old, by the way!) for about six weeks and then I passed a blood clot the size of a softball, so Bob rushed me to Hurley and I spent the next two months in a hospital bed. It was a huge time of growth for me with God. There was a problem with Caleb almost every other day. He never moved much - which is funny, if you know him now! I got to a point where I really thought he wasn't going to make it and I'd never get to know him here on Earth. I remember praying that God would see me through and use our tragedy for His glory. I wish I could hold on to that kind of faith all of the time....

I had to have an ultrasound every other day and sometime more often. Aaron would always be looking right at the camera! He was all eyes! He's still like that. He loves to have as much attention as possible. His love language is "words of affirmation" and you'd know that after spending 20 minutes with him. When he was pulled out of me during the emergency "c" section, he was biting on the umbilical cord. Bob just loves to tell that story.

My Caleb was all curled up and not breathing. They wouldn't let Bob see him because they had to rush him to the NICU. They lost me in the middle of the delivery because I had bled so much. This is what can happen with previa and I found out years later, I have extremely thin blood, so the odds were against me. They kept Bob out of the room until I was stable again and didn't tell us until the boys were taken down to the NICU. He stayed to reassure me for just a minute before going to be with Caleb and then I saw he was done for. I told the nurses and doctors in the delivery room that he was about to pass out and he said he was fine just before they got the chair behind him and he went DOWN!! Still, minutes later, he was on his way to be with Caleb and bring me back a report and some video.

I wasn't allowed to see either of the boys until I could walk on my own down to the NICU. I know that they were trying to inspire me to get up and heal, but honestly, holding my premature twin boys for ransom was just plain cruel. They found me on my hard, cold hospital room floor three times in the next 24 hours. I had tried to go see them and passed out every time! Finally, the next day my honey walked me down there and I couldn't get over how sweet my little frogs were. I wasn't used to having skinny babies!! Caleb was breathing on his own after 4 days, Aaron after one. They were so weak that we had to gavage (tube) feed them my pumped milk. It was awful to watch. Bob and I would spend all of our time trying to bond with the boys in this sterile enviroment. The nurses were wonderful, for the most part, but every once in a while one of them would start telling us all of the things that go wrong with premies. On the 5th day they sent me home without my babies. It was one of the worst days of my life. I didn't know how to feel. I hadn't been home in 2 1/2 months, Bob and the kids had been staying with my parents (45 minutes from the hospital), and I had lost so much blood, I looked and felt like death. Making the trek back and forth for the next 3 days was rough on all of us. On the 8th day they came and told us one of the boys could go home with us. We were sure it was Aaron, but they had found a "brain bleed" on Aaron's brain and it was Caleb they were sending home with us. The following day they told us we could take Aaron home only for the weekend (because we had so many kids and so much experience, they said it was okay - HA!!). I still remember Hannah was so excited each evening when we brought home new babies two nights in a row and on the third night she asked, "Where are the more babies, Mommy?" You gotta love that girl! Our church was asked to pray that his bleed would heal so we could keep him home and he wouldn't have developmental problems. On Monday his CAT Scan showed NO bleed at all. It had closed completely!

Both of our boys are miracles. Everytime I sing "Shout To The Lord," the line "I sing for joy at the work of Your hands" makes me think of what God did for us. What a miracle He did right in front of our eyes. Did I tell you that I had a amnio the day before I had them and the results showed that they probably wouldn't make it if they were born then?

They are smart, healthy, kind boys. I also happen to think they are the 2 of the 4 most handsome young men in the entire universe. I'm so glad God chose to bless us with Caleb and Aaron on February 1st in 1995.

Their voices are changing... I love that and I hate that. They seem so grown up when that happens. They are just about to pass me up in height. There is something comforting in having your "big" son hug you, but sad that you can't pull him up into your lap and make everything okay anymore. I want them to be good men. I want them to respect themselves, their friends and the women they like/love. I pray they become all that God sees in them. I want them to live and love with abandon and to get hurt as little as possible... I'm their mom, I'm allowed to wish for that...

Our Princess is 15!!!

Oh my word! She's 15! We went to see "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" today - Just the 2 of us. It was so fun. When Carmen's (America Ferrara) mom explains to her how it felt to become her mom, I just started sobbing and shaking my head "yes." It's so important to have good women in your life. I so want to be that for my daughter. She doesn't have a best friend here. It makes me so sad for her. She had the same best friend from infancy until 6th grade and then things went horribly wrong. Hannah just saw her for the first time this summer while we were in Michigan. She said a small part of her was sad, but mostly, she knew she had made the right decision to pull away from her. I used to constantly fret about her not having a very best friend, but I see how strong she is and how NOT desperate she is for a best friend. She has lots of friends (mostly boys), but she is very careful with her heart. I can see now that this is how God wants it and she feels that way, too, even though I know she is sad that she doesn't have that one special friend to share her secrets with.

She got about 5,000 Happy Birthday wishes on Facebook and she is thrilled beyond measure! Both of her big brothers called her today, wished her a happy birthday, and told her they love her! They're 21 and 22, I think that's pretty good that they called without me reminding them! We bought her a new cell phone: the Rumor ... what the heck kinda name is that??? Bob brought her roses. He's such a good dad. I love that he helps her set the bar so high! We also went out for pie/cake at City Cafe in downtown Elgin. It's our family tradition now. They have the best tasting fresh made pies (that are a mile high) of any I've ever seen.

When we went up to the counter to pay the bill, Hannah asked the waitress if they were hiring and how old you had to be to work there. The girl told her that they are hiring and 16 is the magic number. Hannah then told her she is homeschooled and available during the day, so they gave her an application. The manager and the waitress couldn't believe she was only 15! I'm so proud of her. She wants a job so bad, she can taste it. She wants to get that car of hers on the road by next September and get texting on her new phone!

I remember when she was born. She was purple and SO Hairy! Her hair was JET black. We all called her our little Eskimo Baby. I woke up around 3 a.m. and as I straddled Bob to get to the bathroom, my water broke! I just froze. Poor Bob! He sprung into action and got Scott taken care of and me to the hospital in about 45 minutes - and we lived in Swartz Creek then. She was a posterior birth, so it hurt like a mutha, but it was so quick (less than 2 hours). Bob fell instantly in-love, as did his entire family of almost ALL men! Jordan and Scott just adored her, until she was about 2 1/2 - then they told us how to parent her better! She was so spoiled. We all called her "The Princess" - Grandma O still calls her that everytime she calls! I remember when she told me she wanted to be the Queen, not the Princess and I told her that mommy is the Queen in our family. She was so NOT okay with that answer! We had so many outfits for her when she was born, that I had to go to the store every other week for a year just to exchange to a bigger size because she couldn't wear them all. She was my "Monter Baby" because she would do this funny nose crinkle, snorting thing when she was playing with me and I thought she was trying to be a scary monster! She was forever leaning to one side and in perfect pitch, sing, "I....." and Bob would sing the Barney song to her, "I love you. You love me...." Where did the time go? Now she sings in Italian for state competitions and I can rarely choose an outfit for her without hearing that she doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but that whatever I chose is a little too "mommy-ish" for her, she hardly ever snorts - unless something is REALLY funny! She is stilled pretty spoiled, but I'm okay with that. She still krinkes her nose in that adorable little way sometimes...

I love you sooooo much, my Hannah Girl. You are still and forever will be my favorite girl in the entire universe!! Happy Birthday!!!

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. ~Bill Cosby, Fatherhood, 1986

I'm flying out in a couple weeks to Michigan. Scott is coming to Texas to live with us and I'm driving back with him. Yeah, I know I said I wouldn't make the drive again, but for him I will. I have such mixed feelings about it. Ultimately, I want him to move out here and meet the woman of his dreams, marry her and live reasonably close so that I can be a grandma to my grandbabies and have Scott in our lives on a daily basis. Until then, the day-to-day of him living with us again is a little exhausting! He and I have a not-so-healthy relationship sometimes. I tend to make everything okay for him and he tends to take advantage of it. We talked about that last week, really openly, and that makes me feel much better. He's also been living with his "father" for the past 2 years and I'm hoping that things have shifted some, but I know that it's awfully easy to slip into the old routine. I've asked some friends here to hold me accountable when they see me slipping. I hope they can do it and I hope I listen...

Scott called me today. He had a pretty big seizure this morning and when he fell out of bed, he hit his head on something and has a big knot on his forehead. The ironic thing is that he made an appointment with his neurologist this morning because he could tell his meds weren't working as well, and he had to miss it because he couldn't drive there and his "father" wouldn't take him. I hate that I'm not there when this junk happens. I hate that when I call to see how he's doing, his "father" tells me how lazy he is because he's been sleeping all day... He had a seizure. Seizures wipe you out. It's normal to sleep a lot the next day... UGGGHHHH!!!

Finding that place where I can be his mom and still let him grow up is so frickin' hard for me. I feel so protective of him, but sometimes that comes off as me not believing in him to him - at least subconsciously. Do you know how hard it is to worry every time your child gets in the shower that he could seize and fall and REALLY hurt himself? Or to watch him get in the car and wonder if you're going to get a call from the police or the hospital that he's had an accident and is hurt, hurt other people or worse? Or to not really sleep because every little sound could be him hitting the wall to let you know he's about to seize and he says he knows you're there when you come and it comforts him - and you have to get there before the other kids, because it's too much for them to witness? Or to look your child in the eyes and appear calm and confident, saying, "It's okay, I'm right here. You are breathing just fine. It's okay," while he seizes and inside you are really dying and wondering what you did to make him like this or how you can just make it STOP? It's exhausting. It's heart-breaking. It's our life, or at least a big part of it.

I so want my baby here with us. I just wish I could rest in God more. I can't find that place where I can relax. I know that sounds self-centered, but it overwhelms me sometimes. I wish I could be one of those really strong women that just makes everything okay. This thing is too big for me. I guess I have to let God be the one in control. I really hate that... I really love it, too. Being a mom is so hard. You just don't really know until you know, do you? I wouldn't trade it for the world!

From Penelope to Hannah...

Last night we watched "Penelope" and it was pretty darned good. It wasn't any "Little Miss Sunshine" or "Lars..." , but it was good. I want my kids to be self-empowered. I really hated Penelope's mom, Christine O'Hara, who always plays this part, but, then again, I was supposed to! Hannah is madly in love with James McAvoy right now, so we have to see everything with him in it. I can't believe how fast she is growing up. We had to go into Austin today for a meeting about a cooking club/class she's starting next month and on the way there, a 20-something year old (handsome) guy pulls up next to us and was doing everything he could to catch her eye! I wanted to yell, "Hey, she's 14, you freak!" , but instead I pointed him out to her and we laughed and he kept dodging cars to keep up with us, all the while waving to her, etc. She said it made her uncomfortable in front of me. I felt kind of disappointed. I mean I don't want to be one of those moms who relives my teen years through my daughter (or at all, thank you very much) and I definitely believe in being a mom first and her friend next, but I want her to embrace this part of herself and her life! I think it's big fun to get attention like that. It's part of being a woman. You know, as long as she doesn't look for it or depend on it, it's just a bonus, right? There is this other part of me, (yes, the cliche' part) that can't remember where the heck the time went. When did she grow up so much? She looks 18 or 20 , not 14! I hear it from people almost daily. She has been putting together her high school plan and it seems so much for her age and then I realize she is starting college classes in 1-2 years. She is so mature in some ways and then she freaks out over any "Dora" thing she sees or acts silly with her brothers like this....

and I realize she is only 14 and still my little girl - or at least part of her. I really like her. She has the best sense of humor, she loves to read classics, she loves all kinds of music (well, not all, but she hates the same ones I do, so that's good), she is so kind hearted, but not a doormat anymore, she loves nice guys (such a load off my mind!), she has the most beautiful, soulful voice when she sings and she really feels it, she always makes sure people feel part of things and not left out - I love that about her -, she is so artistic in so many ways, drawing, painting, clothing, hair, singing, playing piano, decorating, etc. She gets what's important most of the time. She loves and takes care of her brothers like another momma. Sometimes that bites her in the butt, but it's just who she is! Did I mention that she LOVES to cook and can do it like someone who spent a year in France or something. She is an artist in the kitchen... now if I could just get her to clean up after herself...

I wish I could slow down and REALLY spend some time with her; getting to know her better and making sure she knows how spectacular I think she is. Her love language is definitely "quality time" and I know I don't meet her needs. I want to do special girl things with her, but the practical side of me gets caught up in the day to day and it always seems like it will cost money that we just don't have. Wow, writing that down and reading it, makes it seem so lame! I need to REALLY work on that... She'll be gone before I know it. What's that thing that Sara Groves sings?... something like "at the end of your life, your relationships are all you've got." I just want to make sure I have a relationship with her that I've truly nurtured and treasured and I want her to know that I feel that way because of my actions, not because I say it. Right now I have to go because she's beating the crap out of her brother...