We have changed immensely, for the better, in my opinion. We are much more communicative and expressive, which has in turn caused us to all be much more relational with each other. A small miracle, considering we did this during our children's late teen years.
We all read more, too. So, I think that is wonderful!!
Our kiddos are all in college now, so it is time to reconnect the internet at home, although we decided the cable television is still not something we want in our home. I was very excited to begin writing on this blog again, and then I saw that it had been YEARS since I've written anything on here and trying to fill in the middle with a quick update, would be ridiculous. Overwhelmed is such an understatement...
I have purchased several journals during this time and have been trying to keep up with this recovery story of ours in them. I think I am going to transfer the entries into this blog, bit by bit, so that I can have my journey all in one place, in chronological order, and hopefully share that with others who are traveling this horrendous road feeling devastated and alone, as I did.
I am better than I have ever been in some ways. I have lived in Texas, just outside of Austin now for almost 7 years. In all of that time I have not found one woman here that I have developed a deep friendship with. I have lost other long-time friendships or have come to accept that the relationships were not worth the effort for the other woman involved. When I was at my very lowest point, several of the people I considered to be my closest friends and family members, simply turned their backs on me. Some of them pretended that they were still in relationship with me and just avoided me or avoided going "there" with me as much as possible. I understand that the kind of pain I was going through was very difficult to look at and some people just aren't up for it - some because it scared the begeebees out of them because they didn't want to even consider that infidelity could be part of their marriages, some because they had betrayal in their marriages and never completely dealt with it, so they did NOT want to have to deal with it now, and some because seeing my raw pain was just not comfortable or very pretty, frankly.
The new friendships that I had just started here in Texas mostly ended because I pulled back out of shame and fear that if they found out, they would form opinions that weren't based on really knowing Bob and I. I kept picturing myself trying to explain to people that I wasn't a fool for staying with him, but that he really did love me and wasn't one of those guys that betrayed me on a regular basis or even once before.
So far, I haven't explained the being better part... I have learned to be okay with me. I almost trust myself again, but in a new way. After facing my worst fear that NO one thought I was worth the trouble - not my husband and not my parents - I had the most amazing realization. Now, this will sound anecdotal and simple to many people, but until I truly embraced this truth, I was lost in a way that had me planning my own suicide and unable to see any worth in my entire life. My truth and the only thing that gets me through EVERYTHING now, is that I am completely worth it to HIM. He loves me unconditionally. He is faithful to me and won't ever turn His back on me. I can never let Him down so much that He will forsake me.
I have heard all of this from lots of good church people since forever, but actually allowing myself to believe that anyone feels this way about me has been completely life-changing. Yeah, that doesn't even begin to cover it. Words just can't explain. If they could, I would've gotten this a LONG-ASS time ago and had healthy boundaries in my life because I wouldn't be afraid that if I didn't, no one would put up with me. My whole life would've been so much better...
And it hasn't suddenly been a three-sixty... I still have LOTS of other junk and I still revert and forget how much He loves me because of the way someone in my life chooses to treat me or abandons me. Being without a close friend and losing other ones has made me doubt my worth as a friend and even as a person many times. I've made a couple of surface friendships here that have begun to develop into unhealthy relationships like I've had in the past where I am parenting a person who chooses to keep making the same mistakes over and over and over. So, I have had to step back and set up boundaries, which is a struggle because seven years is a very long time to be lonely. It's been hard not to settle for any girl who will give me the time of day... But I'm not settling after all I've been through. He wants so much more from me and I want to be what He sees in me. I have SUCH a long way to go and part of me feels like I've wasted so many years thinking I was in His will or just being too beat up, exhausted and angry to listen to Him on a regular basis. The new lie is that I'm too old. The voice tells me that I can't really accomplish anything of worth at this point or have the career I've longed for because now I have to put 3 kids through college and I'm out of youthful energy... That telling my story is too much work and not worth telling. Who wants to hear a story that doesn't even get tied up with a pretty bow?...
I've taken this summer to just rest and I needed it badly. The voice tells me I just wasted more time, but I feel rested and more focused. I feel stronger. My friend, Katie, calls it the oxygen mask theory (I think). I have to get strong, find my voice before I can be in relationship with anyone and tell my story. I've met so many women who spend their lives running from the lie that they aren't worth it. I really believe He allowed me this pain so that I could help others to see how worth it they are to Him and that is all that truly matters. You are enough to the Only One who matters.
And, so am I...
