Hope floats...

You know, I just got some really good news from one of my faithful and very hurting friends in Michigan. As a matter of fact, I've gotten a few little nuggets during the past weeks. It is truly amazing to me how God works and it's even more amazing (in a "I'm so disappointed in myself" kind of way) to me that I seem to forget how to do things the "right" way with Him.
Since things sort of fell apart at NCC and we all sort of followed suit, it is always bittersweet when we get together. Bob and I have taken the kids back twice and I've flown back 2 other times and each time Michele, Barry, Pam, Duncan, Connie and Dave have all made time for us. It feels so good to be with them, but we've all been hurting so much that mostly what we talk about is how much we are all struggling just to make it through each day and how bad we feel that we are setting such a horrible example for our kids. This last time we spent the first 3 days at Michele and Barry's, the next 3 in Charlevoix for the wedding, my parent's for a day and then Bob's parents' for the last 3 days. Pam was in Texas, but Michele and Connie drove (2 hours) to Adrian to see us at Bob's parents' and were gracious enough to go to church with us that evening. Connie and I talked about how apathetic we were both feeling and how sad we were about it before we left for church. I told both of them we didn't have to go, that we could stay home with the boys and that would be fine, but they knew how happy my in-loves would be if we all went, so we went.
The church is this old, kinda musty-smelling, Mexican church with about 35 members on a good Sunday. Bob's mom and dad were married there 50 + years ago and they renewed their vows there several years ago with all of us as witnesses. It was beautiful - to us... Connie and Michele were so loving and accepting and it was fun to be in church with them again, but we all felt the emptiness. Then Bob had to sing "I Can Only Imagine" for his mom (I know, I know) and he couldn't remember the lyrics, so I snuck up to the first pew and mouthed the words until he was on solid ground. As I sat back, I was touched, just for a moment by the Holy Spirit, it was a breath of fresh air. Then I snuck back to the pew and Connie was standing up with tears in her eyes, telling me that we needed to go outside and talk NOW!!
The three of us went outside and Connie scolded us all for giving up on ourselves and each other. She said that she saw that I wanted to feel God's presence in my life and so did she and we needed to commit to praying for each other EVERY day and then emailing EVERY day to share it with each other. It was one of those moments when you know someone cares enough to throw you a rope and I wanted to be saved from myself, so I agreed and so did Michele. We asked Pam and Mary if they wanted to join us and now the 5 of us are praying for each other EVERY day. The funny thing to me is that it sounds so simple and I have developed a HUGE aversion to anecdotal christianity the past few years, but with this little mustard seed of faith and some prayer lifted up in love (and desperation) to God, really BIG, BIG things happen.
I'm so thankful that Connie listened to Him and had the courage to scold us and ask us to hold one another accountable. You know, she told us she knew we wouldn't do it for ourselves, but she knew we would do it for each other. She was right.
I'm also so thankful that I have friends who are faithful to me and lift me up, especially after the little I've had to offer them during the past 2 1/2 years.
Scott called me last week and wanted to know what happened because I sounded much better than I had in years. He has been asking me what is wrong for a very long time and I always tell him "Nothing" because it was just too exhausting and looooong an explanation to give and because I'm supposed to be the parent. I started telling him how much I had struggled with depression, church and all that "jazz" and he told me how worried he has been and how happy he is to hear ME again. That was great confirmation for me.
I'm learning to listen, again. I'm accepting His grace, cautiously - and He's okay with that. I'm feeling some joy and that is HUGE!!
When I get emails from my praying friends now they are filled with hope and such evidence of God working in their lives. It has been very healing for me. I know one of my character flaws is that I take on my friends' pain and I've been very angry that so many people from NCC that I love are hurting and are so disenfranchised. I've been so buried by that pain and I've felt so exhausted and helpless that I could barely function for way too long. Connie told me a few days ago that she could hear hope in my voice now. It's true...