Happy Burfday...

This has been one heck of a week! It was my birthday on Wednesday. Each morning at school the older kids do a little morning news show that is broadcast into all of our classrooms. They do the weather, the pledges, the fundraiser stuff, awards, and the birthdays of all of the students and teachers. Now just guess who is in charge of the birthday announcement list? My favorite library assistant... So, you know what happened, right? All of my little babies are all excited to hear it announced -they get that way every time someone in our class has a birthday - and they simply say, "There are NO birthdays today!" One of my little guys asked me if I was sure it was my birthday! Hannah was in my classroom helping. She stood up, went down to the library and told the Librarian (not HER) that it was my birthday. SHE huffed and slammed around a little, to which Hannah asked, "Is there a problem?" The librarian said she was sorry and that they would announce it tomorrow. Hannah was so proud of herself for speaking up. I think after all of the times she's been "borderline" with us and we've been too in shock to react, it felt good to stand up and put it in her court! Anyway, that wasn't enough, my daughter then went to her daddy's classroom and asked him to make an announcement over the PA while she watched his classroom! I could tell he was a little uncomfortable, but the new him won out over the old one and he made the most endearing and hilarious birthday announcement ever! Every teacher and almost all of the students wished me a happy birthday that day. It was truly wonderful! She's been seething ever since!
I get really caught up in trying not to be petty, which I know most of my really christiany friends would tell me, but the truth of the matter is, I need to take my life back. It's okay to not just lie down and take it like some kind of doormat! I've been humiliated enough and it's okay to expect to get the little things that everyone else gets without her trying to be a bitch to me all of the time. It continues to befuddle me why she acts the injured party. She was the aggressive one, she has done this numerous times, she has her kids and marriage back. How is it she feels the victim? I have refused to become the victim in this situation, but PLEASE!... Where does she even begin to think like that?
Anyway... it's been an exhausting week back. I got 3 new students in two days and two of them are handfuls! I'm still not used to going to bed early and not sleeping in until I just happen to wake up. I'm going to bed early tonight and then I'm sleeping in as long as possible! We have nothing to do except church this entire weekend! I'm so looking forward to down time! We are so short on cash that celebrating my birthday was kind of out of the question, but in a couple of weeks we're going out to dinner, just my Honey and I. Once I'm rested, I can't wait for a night out with that man! He made me the most wonderful Powerpoint birthday card! It made me cry... I am loved. I am blessed...

Wow... It's been a really long time!

I miss writing... more than I can say... I have a full time job now. I'm teaching kindergarten, two doors down from my hubby, down the hall from her... The job came just as we were trying to figure out how to keep a roof over our kids heads and a month after I asked my Honey to turn down a job that would've gotten him out of this school system and away from her. God told me to. I wasn't happy about it - AT ALL - but I submitted. Completely at a loss about the why of it, but I felt peace, aside from a little bit of stomping my feet and telling Him I'd been through enough already, so I cautiously followed His lead. My Honey thought I was downright insane and I think he was even a little bit miffed, but we talk now - like really talk, so he was in complete agreement when he heard my heart - especially since he knows how difficult it is for me to trust and follow God.

A week or so later a position opened up at a different school in our hometown that my Honey was perfectly qualified for. We got so excited. We were sure that God was opening doors and offering me some mercy. Then we found out that a young woman just out of college was already hired and that most of the administration had been told about my husband's "mistakes" last year. This all happened two days before my interview to substitute teach. So, in my interview I was asked, point-blank, if I thought I could behave professionally if I worked in the same building as her. Somehow God gave my the strength to not even tear up or let my lip quiver and I responded so well that his response was, "Touche' Mrs. O., touche.'" He then asked why I didn't teach full time because he was so impressed with my college transcript and my letters of rec. That part felt great! I walked out of that interview, got into my car, completely broke down, drove home, told my Honey how angry I was with him. He told me how much he loved me, how sorry he is, how proud he is of me and then I told him how God took care of me during the whole thing. Grace is such a gorgeous gift...

I then subbed for 4 days. The principal kept dropping in on me. I started to get nervous, but on the 3rd day, she walked in and asked why I wasn't teaching full time when it was SO obvious that I was meant to do it?! I told her I was thinking about teaching the following year when Hannah has her license, etc. She called me the following evening and asked if I would take a full time position the following day... Hmmm...

We're pretty sure God orchestrated all of this. I'm not saying it isn't a major pain in the ass to have to deal with her bipolar self every flippin' day, but I kind of feel like God has put my healing into 4th gear. It's been especially painful and accelerated. I still can't say I understand why he has this phenomenally intimate relationship with Jesus when he was a pretty crappy dad and husband for 19 years and was one of the most narcissistic people I've ever known, while I feel unsure of God's love and sometimes even His reality after I felt SO close to Him for such a long time. I know I have entitlement issues. I also know that if I pretend to feel any other way, I won't really heal and I won't show my kids the truth. He has gone through this with me and He has given me a husband that I only dreamed of. He has made him into a father for our children that I respect and want to follow, but there is still this part of me that can't believe this happened to me, to all of us. I am so humiliated, ashamed and even indignant about this. I was a great wife. I REALLY tried to follow God in my marriage and in my parenting. I can't believe this was the only way to bring him to YOU! Sometimes it sucks being a God follower! I know this was about him, but the world and she doesn't know that. Sometimes it gets exhausting holding my head up and being strong. I guess it's a good thing You're going through this with me... I couldn't do it on my own. I know that...

We've worked really hard this past 15 months to get to this beautiful place. I've forgiven him because You've helped me do that. You've brought other couples into our lives that we've helped. I can't believe THIS is how we're being used...

I'm choosing to forgive her. I know it's not really an option if I want to follow You. I have SUCH a long way to go... satan still has a piece of my heart and I want to take it back and give it to You, but I'm not there, yet. Sometimes it frightens me how much I loathe her... I mean she used my belief in You to get close to me, to hurt me, to try to take my life... Other times it amazes me that I choose to bless her and even empathize with her life... I know those times are because of You.

I really miss writing. Working full time, being a mom, a wife, and a friend takes a lot of my time. It's easy to let time pass and ignore the thing that feeds my soul. One of the lessons I learned through all of this pain was that I spent the past 20 years hiding behind being a good wife and a good mom so that I didn't have to take chances and put my self out there, so Lord, please help me to become who and what You want me to be. Don't let this blessing get in the way of that. Help me to find You again, in me... please.

Love is patient, Love is kind, It does not...

This is the man that I love more than any other human being anywhere. He really gets me and that is soooo rare. I get him, too. He thinks that is just amazing. He thinks I have a gift - I do, it's his love. My life with him is secure. I know that sounds boring, but we've done the wild and crazy passionate thing (and still have our moments!). Our trials and our day-to-day junk has made this something I know I can count on. That means something to me. It's what gave me the courage to leave everything I've ever known and move to a state I spent 2 days in once (Dallas). He makes me laugh more than anyone, even when I don't want to. His sense of humor has gotten me/us through some biggies in this life. God knew I needed his perspective. He knew he would balance me out (most of the time) and help me get over myself and see life for what it is. Of course, he drives me completely crazy sometimes. I already have 5 kids and I want him to be the other parent instead of a 6th child, but it really isn't the end of the world, in the whole scheme of things.
We have been through step-kids, ex-spouses, in-laws, different cultures, my depression, living apart for 6 months (Texas/Michigan), huge financial struggles, working for my brother, living with my parents, almost losing the twins, almost losing me, almost losing him, Scott's rebellion (drugs, guns, etc.), Jordan's rebellion (ugh!), my surgery, homeschooling, Scott's epilepsy, moving across the county, and so much more. I'm so glad I get to do this life with him. I try so hard to not take that for granted, but I know I do sometimes. I know I'm a pain in his easy-going ass so much of the time. That's where his sense of humor balances things out!
HAPPY 19th ANNIVERSARY, HONEY!!! I REALLY LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART!!!

I'm a band whore...

It's really strange to me that when things start to get better, EVERYTHING starts to get/look better. Bob has been trying so hard to "gel" with other musicians here and he has been confiding in me lately that it just isn't happening for him, in spite of the abundance of talent and venues. It's like when you keep going to church and don't find or feel any God there when you did just a couple of months ago. Our lives have been in such a funk and we have been in survival mode for so long that we forgot how to go anywhere else. It isn't that it hasn't been fun and we haven't had nice moments at various band jobs/gigs, but there have been so many "on" nights in the past, that when you don't experience that for YEARS, you start to feel so lost and sad. When you're as f'ed up as I've been for this long, you don't remember how to move past it and you're not really sure it's worth the effort to move at all. And then God starts to move and everything kind of shifts, and then you and your husband start to really "get each other" again. And Then... You have a GREAT night; the songs are on, the guys are in tune with each other, the crowd is ready for fun and my husband blossoms in it all. He was in rare beautiful form. He was funny, he was a show-off (in the most beautiful sense of the word), and he shined in a way I haven't seen in YEARS. There is this energy and love that goes from him to the audience and back again and again. God, I missed that. It was just pure and lovely fun that we got to share with so many people that we have come to love here.

And at the end of the night, Judy (the manager) told me not to worry about our tab. She told me that we bring in the biggest and kindest crowd that she has ever seen. She blessed me in a way that fed my soul. I know it sounds silly, but it was just good for my being.

This is the showing off part... isn't he fantastic? Stevie Ray's "Pride and Joy" solo without missing a note... It makes me want to take him home after the show...

The skaterboys...

Stacey, Me and Lesley...

Bob and some gorgeous fans...

Rusty (love this boy!)

Belle, Maddie, Hannah & Ashley