Confessions of a Martyr...

Girlfriends are SO important. There are so few women who get this, or at least very few who honor it. We tend to have our little circle of friends and then throw other women right under the bus when push comes to shove or when a good gossip session comes along or anything equally important. Sometimes, we even throw the women closest to us under that bus! It's a sisterhood that can make or break us.

I have some friends who are very important to me. I haven't told them HOW important they are or how much I need them because I'm afraid of being inconvenient or a burden. If I'm completely honest, I'm really terrified that they will turn tail and run or just not honor my need for them if I express it. I mean, what do you do if you tell your friend how much you need them during this season of your life and they don't respond in love? If you constantly tell people that you understand that they can't be there for you or offer their time, etc. and then they don't, you can tell yourself that it's because you told them not to. RIGHT?? You don't have to risk your heart.

And a little piece of you dies because you have another confirmation that you aren't loveable if you're not "on" and satan revels in the moment. Sure, people tell you how strong you are and how supportive you are, blah, blah, blah... But, you aren't being honest. You aren't letting yourself be known. This martyr crap is for the birds. Besides, what are you teaching your children? I see mine creating the same kind of relationship/martyr crud I've modeled for them and I am so NOT okay with that! What are you saying about your friends' character? Who do you think you are that you are supposed to put on a strong, pleasant smile, say everything is okay when it isn't, counsel her about her troubles, and then resent that nobody ever helps you through your crap?

I'm going to tell my friend that I need her. Because I really do. She may not be able to come out here and see me, but I'm not going to pretend I am not disappointed. I do understand if she can't do it (her hubby is laid off and MI's economy is bad right now), but I want her to make the decision because she has all of the facts. I want to honor our friendship because it's honorable and she deserves the truth. I can handle her decision either way, but I can see now that it's not a rejection of me. I know she loves me - even the really ugly me.

My counselor says that I need to start asking for the things I really want. She says I need to pray about what that is because I've forgotten along the way and I don't even know what I really want right now. I want my friends to know the real me. I want to tell the few women who have shown me honor and love that I value them and that they've made a difference in my life. I want my daughter to learn to honor other women and not engage in the catty, bitchy insecure stuff so many of us are drawn into. I want my sons to see women as strong, loving, intelligent human beings with real feelings and needs. I want my husband and my children to see the REAL me, even in this brokeness. I feel a little like I'm stepping out onto the water. I know my feet are going to get a little wet, but my faith is growing. I don't want to be afraid and never really know. I want to know - taking joy in the good things that come of that and experience giving and accepting grace in the "bad" of it.