Way too long...

I really want to find a good church again. It's like I'm so messed up that I can't find or won't let myself find... I don't know. This has been going on for years now... When does it get good again? I don't know that I could ever trust "church people" enough to invest myself again. I hate that I have become the "disenfranchised."
I want to want to love people again. I want to want to help people because I feel loved by and led by God to help them. I want to stop feeling like I'm such a baby and pull myself up and get over it!! Why can't I just do that? What is wrong with me? Lots of people have been through junk like this. I have been through lots of junk. Why is this crippling me so completely? I want to be used by you, Lord. I just don't hear You much anymore. I feel so far away. I feel like I'm failing my kids, but I don't know how to get past this and have passion and faith like I used to. I can't really discuss this with anyone. There's too much pain and I should really be over this by now... Too much never resolved and too much evidence that I really never meant anything to anyone...