I need a really good nap...

You know the kind of nap where your hubby gives you a full, no-strings attached, body massage and then you just fall asleep for 2 hours? I need one of those and then I need to wake up and not have my kitchen destroyed or my children doing exactly what I always tell them not to...

I know it's not going to happen, it's just that I like to dream about it occasionally. I just want to be taken care of for a little while and then I can dust myself off and be a good wife and mom again. I'm running on empty and it's not a pretty sight.

Well...

I'm going to go lay down by myself and try not to yell out at my children (who will probably be arguing or making messes) and get some rest...

Yaa, right...

From Penelope to Hannah...

Last night we watched "Penelope" and it was pretty darned good. It wasn't any "Little Miss Sunshine" or "Lars..." , but it was good. I want my kids to be self-empowered. I really hated Penelope's mom, Christine O'Hara, who always plays this part, but, then again, I was supposed to! Hannah is madly in love with James McAvoy right now, so we have to see everything with him in it. I can't believe how fast she is growing up. We had to go into Austin today for a meeting about a cooking club/class she's starting next month and on the way there, a 20-something year old (handsome) guy pulls up next to us and was doing everything he could to catch her eye! I wanted to yell, "Hey, she's 14, you freak!" , but instead I pointed him out to her and we laughed and he kept dodging cars to keep up with us, all the while waving to her, etc. She said it made her uncomfortable in front of me. I felt kind of disappointed. I mean I don't want to be one of those moms who relives my teen years through my daughter (or at all, thank you very much) and I definitely believe in being a mom first and her friend next, but I want her to embrace this part of herself and her life! I think it's big fun to get attention like that. It's part of being a woman. You know, as long as she doesn't look for it or depend on it, it's just a bonus, right? There is this other part of me, (yes, the cliche' part) that can't remember where the heck the time went. When did she grow up so much? She looks 18 or 20 , not 14! I hear it from people almost daily. She has been putting together her high school plan and it seems so much for her age and then I realize she is starting college classes in 1-2 years. She is so mature in some ways and then she freaks out over any "Dora" thing she sees or acts silly with her brothers like this....

and I realize she is only 14 and still my little girl - or at least part of her. I really like her. She has the best sense of humor, she loves to read classics, she loves all kinds of music (well, not all, but she hates the same ones I do, so that's good), she is so kind hearted, but not a doormat anymore, she loves nice guys (such a load off my mind!), she has the most beautiful, soulful voice when she sings and she really feels it, she always makes sure people feel part of things and not left out - I love that about her -, she is so artistic in so many ways, drawing, painting, clothing, hair, singing, playing piano, decorating, etc. She gets what's important most of the time. She loves and takes care of her brothers like another momma. Sometimes that bites her in the butt, but it's just who she is! Did I mention that she LOVES to cook and can do it like someone who spent a year in France or something. She is an artist in the kitchen... now if I could just get her to clean up after herself...

I wish I could slow down and REALLY spend some time with her; getting to know her better and making sure she knows how spectacular I think she is. Her love language is definitely "quality time" and I know I don't meet her needs. I want to do special girl things with her, but the practical side of me gets caught up in the day to day and it always seems like it will cost money that we just don't have. Wow, writing that down and reading it, makes it seem so lame! I need to REALLY work on that... She'll be gone before I know it. What's that thing that Sara Groves sings?... something like "at the end of your life, your relationships are all you've got." I just want to make sure I have a relationship with her that I've truly nurtured and treasured and I want her to know that I feel that way because of my actions, not because I say it. Right now I have to go because she's beating the crap out of her brother...

Sunday Morning...

Well, it's Sunday morning and we're not going to church... again. I've decided that I can keep going through the motions because it's the right thing to do or I can relax a little and see where He leads me. Going to Doxology this past year was good in a lot of ways, but leaving was difficult for our kids and I can't keep doing that to them. And since I can't really seem to hear God right now, I don't want to head out the door without any instruction from Him. Now that doesn't mean I'm not slightly panicked that our daughter is going into the 10th grade and has had a spiritually screwed up mom for most of her teen years, because I am. I was really hoping this would be like a classic sitcom and get all wrapped up nice and pretty, with an exceptionally nice bow on top, in about 30 minutes - including commercials. Unfortunately, God wants me to sit in this for a really loooooooong time, so I keep trying to remind myself that His time is perfect and He sees the big picture SO much better than I ever could.
We watched "Lars and the Real Girl" last night with the kids. Aaron asked what was wrong with Lars, in a kind of judgemental way and I said, "I could be like that." Sometimes I want to be like that. I love the message in that flick. I love that we are all just unique beautiful messes. I love the grace in that town. I want to be gracious like that, but sometimes I think my heart has gotten so hard, that I can't be nice anymore. I find myself looking for reasons to mistrust people before they hurt me. I find myself explaining to my kids why people aren't as wonderful as we think - how ugly is that? I'm having a hard time seeing how this could be good for my kids to see their mother as ... whatever I am right now. I want to be a good mom, is that too much to ask? Not perfect, but good most of the time. I'm ready for Bianca to die...

Is it time?...

Geez, it's been a long time. This is such a waste of my life and during such an important time in my kids' lives. I'm ready to be done with it, and move on. I wish it didn't mean so much painful, hard work. I'm not so tired anymore. It's good not to be completely overwhelmed by everything in my life. I know I am feeling better, because I haven't had much sleep for several nights now and I'm tired, but not "that kind" of tired. I've taken a couple of small babysteps and I'm mildly terrified, but I feel like I have no choice... If I just keep doing what I've been doing, I'm going to keep getting what I've been getting. It's time for a cool, cool change. I want my joy back. I have happiness in my life. I have NEVER loved a place like I love Austin. We can really "dance" here. We fit so well here and I know He brought us to this beautiful place. This has been an awesome summer, walking/running, Barton Springs, Zilker Theatre, Sno-Beach, it doesn't get much better than that. But I really miss God. I hate that when I hear people talk about Him, I just want to roll my eyes. I used to want to love on people because I felt His love and I couldn't wait to share it with anyone who would have me. Now I just want to be left alone and get through the day. ICK!! I'm ready to fight for my relationship with Him. I have no idea what that looks like anymore and I know if this goes wrong, I'm am absolutely NOT up to another 3 years of this crap, I just know I need to be better and move on. I'm ready to be done with this and figure out what the pruning was all about. At least I think I am...

Michigan - Week 2

We had a great time at my parent's house. This is on their back deck. Mandy brought over Abby, Kate & Conor. Bob hasn't seen them in 2 years and I haven't seen them in a year. They are beautiful kids. We also got to see Lexi and Tater-Bug. They always make me laugh. Eating on Grandpa & Grandma's deck with your cousins on a perfect summer day. It doesn't get much better than that!

I still can't believe that Michelle and Connie drove all the way to Adrian to see us again. We had such a great time. They even picked up McKenna, so she and Hannah could spend some time together. After church they asked if they could walk to the 7-11 for slurpies and after asking if they knew the way, the parents agreed to let them go. Well, thank God for cell phones, because they took a wrong turn and ended up by the PRISON (Cindy will have my head!). Michele went with this extraordinarily helpful and kind woman we met on the street and rescued them with a car meant for 4 people on a really good day. It was like being at the circus with the clowns all coming, non-stop, out of the teeny car when they got back - 8 of them. It was such a good laugh!!

Hannah and McKenna were so much more grown up - after the initial screaming when they saw each other. What beautiful girls!!

We didn't have a day that wasn't beautiful while we were in Michigan. It was incredible. The kids had such a nice time with Grandpa on the lake in Adrian. Bob, Mom, Rocket and I just sat on the shore enjoying the sunset. It was good for my soul. I love how the nicest times are so often FREE!!! Rocket was so happy in Adrian. He just made himself right at home!

Aaron had a fish on the line, but it got away... I saw it with my own eyes, after they all started freaking out on the pontoon!

Uncle Steve and Uncle Mike came over and spent the day with us on Wednesday. We even talked them into staying for church and Dad got to play with ALL of his boys that evening. It was lovely. A beautiful moment for Mom and Dad. When Hannah sang, too, they were in heaven.
I think my favorite part about this picture is that Caleb has a toothpick sticking out of his mouth. I just love this boy, with his doo-rag, his new earring, his bleached shirt (that he borrowed, in spite of the fact that we bought him several new, very cool shirts for the trip), and a toothpick hanging out his mouth!

We had such a nice time with Bob's parents. We missed being in Imlay with the house full of memories and the HUGE yard, but it was still home because it was with them. Dad is pastoring the old church there and they are reconnecting with lots of old friends. It's been really difficult for Mom, but she's standing by her man and I know God will bless her for that. She is one of the most loving people I know. I know lots of women have mothers-in-law that they don't really get along with. I count mine as one of the biggest blessings in my life. We have been through so much together and worked through it in such a way that unconditional love has just blossomed and grown between us. That doesn't mean that our different cultures, personalities, etc. don't drive each other crazy every once in a while, but love is never a question and because we don't just stuff it, it's pretty healthy. I am blessed.

Michigan - Picture Show

These are just some pictures of our time in Michigan. Lots of family time, good stuff.
Jordan, Brandon, Scott, & Shannon (Brandon's girlfriend)
We went to Bob's Uncle Joe and Aunt Bennie's home. Uncle Joe has terminal cancer. It was a bittersweet visit knowing it will probably be the last time we see him here.
Grampa & Scott... they sure do enjoy each other. They get each other in that rare blessed way. I'm so thankful for that.
Hannah and her Gramma. I'm so glad I got this picture. They are both so beautiful to me. I'm glad they like each other so much. I'm thankful that my kids got to see their family in Michigan this summer.

Michigan - Week 1

We spent the first few days with Barry, Michele and sweet Rory. Can you say P-E-R-F-E-C-T??? There are few places where my whole family feels so loved and relaxed. We didn't make any plans except to spend lots of time together. Pam & Duncan and Connie & Dave came over and we just ate, laughed and enjoyed catching up. It was just what we all needed. I don't know what people do without friends like these. They have sustained me these last few years.

My sweet girl sang "When You Say Nothing At All" with her daddy accompanying her on the guitar. Everyone literally went crazy with applause and cheering when she finished. It was a beautiful moment for her. She has a gift for singing that could only come from God!
Mr. and Mrs. Barclay Clarke!!! I really love these two. Their ceremony was so beautiful. They were married in Charlevoix at Castle Farms. The weather was perfect, the bride was absolutely gorgeous and the groom was emotional. It doesn't get much better than that. I always love how weddings cause Bob and I to reminisce about our wedding and our first few years of marriage. God, I really love that man!

Is this a vision or what? I cannot believe how beautiful our children are. They are so grown up! Try to ignore the bunny ears over Hannah's head! I am so thankful that we all got to spend so much time together this week. I miss my big boys more than I can say. It's so good when they all get together. The younger ones adore the older two and the older two are old enough to honor that. It really is one of life's blessings. I love my children.

Happy 4th of July!!

We had such a nice time with our friends last night. It was so laid back and fun. The fireworks were AWESOME!! There is nothing like good food, good drink, good conversation with great new friends. It's cause for being thankful. Bob's cousin, Kem, and his wife, Christina came over to Stacy and Clay's, too. It was nice to relax before our long trip to Michigan!

Which reminds me... I can't believe that I'm actually "on schedule" for our trip - that doesn't happen for me! The laundry is done, the animals are taken care of, the bills are all set, the house is in pretty good shape - especially rare - and the extras: gifts, cards, etc. are already packed. You know something is going to go wrong!! Maybe this is God's way of being merciful since the trip will be Very Expensive and LONG in our Little Car!!